Is It Cruel?

[aidensxmomma]

I've been talking to my OH a little bit about when we should try for our third baby. I know we're jumping the gun a little, since I'm still pregnant with the second, but I'm a planner. We were going to start trying in 3-5 years, but I don't think it will really be possible unless everything falls into place within a short timeframe. So instead of trying in 3-5 years, I thought maybe we would try again in 10 years (sounds like forever).

See, we have our son, who will be 16 months old when his little sister is born. So they will be really close in age. And I'd rather not have another baby five years from now and a fourth another five years after that (we have agreed on having 4). I thought maybe we'd just wait 10 years and have #3 and #4 two (or so) years apart.

Would that be mean to my older two, or even the younger two, for such a big age gap between the groups? Is it mean to have two different groups in the first place?

*Sorry for rambling, I can never seem to get out what I'm trying to say *

 

[Sarahkka]

I think you'll find plenty of examples to support either age gap. See how you feel in 3-5 years and decide then, maybe?
Your age and fertility is something to consider, as is whether or not you intend to return to the paid workforce/your career in and around having kids. Lots of factors to consider.

 

[sandt2]

That is pretty far away to be deciding right now.

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer to your question.

I will briefly share my personal experience though.

I am the thrid of four children. The first two are 18 months apart, then a 15 year gap, then me and my younger brother are 18 months apart. I never thought twice about it - although I wasn't nearly as close to the older two as my younger brother - until adulthood now. If you ask my older brother and sister though I know that they are not happy with it. They have said it was like there was a second family they were not part of cause they were in their teens and busy with their life too. Also they said they got to see their parents parenting (they feel) differently than they felt parented because of my parents now years of experience - hope that makes sense.
At the time my parents asked my older brother and sisters input and they were excited and proud to have new siblings.

Anyway I wish you all the best, but really as much of a planner as you may be - just enjoy right now. I know easier said than done - I am a planner too - I am learning to lose some of the planning though seeing as I have been ttc for 3 years and nothing - so I am just trying to enjoy day by day.

Goodluck

 

[tasha41]

IDK what to say but I can offer a bit of insight.

My friend is 17 and her brother is 19. They have 2 little sisters, aged 3 & 4.

She isn't happy about having the younger siblings.. she does love them, play with them & spend time with them. The main thing is the 2 older siblings say it's like they have 2 families.. and they compare their childhoods to the ones their sisters are having. Their parents had the 2 older kids young, but not TOO young (early 20s) and decided to have more in their 30s.. when they were young they didn't get to do all the things the little girls get to do, they didn't have all the things the little kids did. And they don't get to do some of the things they'd like to do with their family because their little sisters are too young.

I don't want to elaborate too much because I'll sound like I'm saying it's no good to have a big age gap like that.

The little kids adore their big brother & sister though. They're young so they don't really have much of an opinion on all of it yet obviously.

 

[elmaxie]

I dont really have any answers either except my dad remarried and I gained a whole new family including a 6 and 2 year old then a baby step brother when I was 18.....and as above I do compair all they get to what I had or how my dad treats them better than he did me or my brother etc etc that said my mum and dad ahd me and my brother 3 years apart when they were in their early thirties....my dad became a daddy for the third time in this late 40s!

I always said I wanted 2 kids but either with a very small age gap or a gap of 5 or so years...dnt know why.



Emma.xx

 

[Charliemarina]

i have 2 children i had my first young at just 16, he is 8 now and his little sister is 1 and half so theres about 6 and a bit years between them, i love it as Charlie loves to help out playing, feeding washing his sister and does never say to me "mum why has she got this and i never" if his sister gets something new to play with say rather than charlie sulking he plays with her with her new toy, he has playstations, hand helds and loads of toys of his own and he realises babys get more bored quicker and grow out of things quicker so this is also never a problem, they have a great bond but now marina is one and half we are trying for out last baby as i dnt want another 6 year gap id rather have Charlie being big bro and the 2 youngers ones closer as Charlie has now started playing outside with friends and stuff and baby gets bored real easily without him. i think either way it will work out there all siblings and will love each other no matter the gap for sure xxxxxxx

 

[Elphaba]

You have to do what is right for you. But I get on brilliantly with my sis who is 17 years older than me. The age gap wasn't a problem.

Growing up I did wish she was much closer to my age (though ironically I don't think we'd have got on as well if we were closer in age). However, that's because there's only the two of us. You would have four - two in each age group - so they wouldn't have that problem.

Sounds like the best of both worlds to me but I think it has to come down to when is the right time for you and your family.

K x

 

[bunnyg82]

as everyone above has said, it's really up to you. I have two experiences really, personally, there are 4 older siblings (with a good 10+ age gap) and then me and my two sisters who are closer together. The two groups are really really close to each other and so I am not as close to my older siblings as I am to the two at similar ages to me. But some of that I think is down to the fact that the older four have a different mum and their relationship with my dad wasn't as close as mine was with him. So, we didn't see them very often.

However, my hubby's family is totally different. His mum had his little brother when hubby was 14 and his older sister was a couple of years older than that. So me and hubby are really close to them all and we often have his brother over, take him out and stuff. It's a nice relationship.

So, in essence, there is no right and wrong. You can have siblings that are not close even with a little age gap, so it's really what feels right for you x

 

[Serene123]

We want 3. Caitlyn will be (hopefully) around 2 when we have our next, then I want to wait 4-5 years before number 3 x

 

[mandaa1220]

I don't think it is cruel, but it depends on what you want personally for your family.

I was 14 years old when my little sister was born and she is now 5. I find it difficult to have time to spend with her, when I am constantly worrying about my own things that need to get done. I am getting to the age where I am starting to think about growing up and starting my own family and shes just starting kindergarten...

Whatever you feel will be the best for your family is what you should do, but in terms of closeness, the two youngest children & two oldest probably won't be as close until adulthood.

 

[morri]

I have a freind who is 21 and has a little 3 year old sister and he absolutely adores her.
He also has a about 15 year old sister who he cant stand xD. So unless you think differentl about it in 20 years I dont see a problem in that . It really depends on the kids .

 

[aidensxmomma]

Thanks for all the replies ladies. I think what we're going to do is wait at least three years and see where we want to go from there. That won't require so much planning.