Is it wrong to put ageing parents into care homes?

[Lina]

I have always found it odd that this practise is normal in the western world. In many parts of the world this practise is frowned upon and unheard of.

Our parents took care of us when we were little, helpless and sick, should we not do the same? Why as a nation have we become so uncaring to our elders, many die lonely. I think for me it would be the ultimate betrayal to pass off my parents in their moment of need. I guess it is the african in me.

Thoughts..

 

[Lightworker]

I was just about to start explaining how it works in my culture, then I re-read your last line about being African.

Yes I find it odd, it doesn't happen in some other cultures. Saying that though, I think families are much more close-knit, elders are revered and therefore an integral part of the family and remain as such. I think it would be ideal for all of us to personally look after our parents in their old age, instead of putting them in a care home.

But its so different now because in the West, generally adults have full-time employment plus the demands of raising a family (whereas in Africa, even though most people work full-time, it is much easier to have a maid etc to do the physical work around the house). I do understand why it is done, some people would not be able to find the time of day to adequately care for their parents for what could be several years.

Personally, I'm not sure I'd want to live with my children. I would feel like I am imposing and I don't feel that they are obligated to me, I chose to have them meaning I chose the responsibility. Also, I'd like to think I'd like to be with people my own age as well for the most part.

 

[lesleyann]

as a westener I dont feel I could look after my parents though years of old age, I also find that with the people I know who are older that they become very very stubborn and dont want to change anything which would not fit in around say a young family with working commitments. I also would not look after the Inlaws however that is because we dont get on.

My mum has said if she ever gets so bad she needs that kind of care to just kill her as she does not want to be aburdon onto her children.

Oh's grandad is 90 and needs alot of help however he wont move in with his children as he still wants the independace that he has.

 

[PocoHR]

I think its a matter of practicality. Perhaps other cultures don't share the same approach, but in the West I think it's a question of 'where will your parents get the best care possible'? At home with you, or in a retirement home with full time dedicated workers? I would never put my parents in a home far away from me, but I would put them in a home nearby where they would have the possibility of having friends their age and seeing me every weekend and some weeknights. I don't think its awful, I don't feel badly about that. Perhaps in Africa people age better, or you have the possibility of spending more time at home. But, I am sure I will be working full time still when my parents are old, and I would think it stingy not to pay for them to have adequate care.

 

[smokey]

I wouldnt say it was wromg because sometimes it is a necessity if the family livrs far apart and no one wants to move or if there realy is no room or no one at home during the day or high levle of care is needed.
For us personaly I couldnt even think of putting my parents in a care home (although I often joke to my mum that I will do it early) we are a extremly close family in terms that nearly all the family (6 houses, thete used to be more) lives all down the same road.
Even all oh family live within 10 minutes of us.
so having a parent still able to live in thier own home with someone very close by is easy for us and if we have to take them in (even if its both sides at the same time) then we will find a way to cope.
For us personaly I do feel it is our duty to take care of our relatives (not just parents) us they took care of us.

 

[Nibblenic]

I dont think it is wrong, I think it should be a last resort or a final option.

As a family we've done generational living for the last 5 generations. Which is pretty odd for a white British family. Last year my mum put my grandparents into care. She'd lived with them for 25 years. She cared for them in various degree's over that time, whilst working full time, but there came a point where it had to end. They were over dosing eachother, refusing to wash, hiding rotten out of date food to eat, refusing help with incontinence, not eating, leaving hobs/ovens on. They were 91, which is almost twice the age of the average life span if an African (according to wikki)
However once they were put into care my mum struggled, so now we've moved in to look after her at 52. So yes in some ways I do think its lovely to mutually care for eachother but there has to be a line drawn. Where for their safety and your mental health they need the safety and professional care that only a home like than can provide.

 

[Andypanda6570]

If you can't take care of the person no I don't think it is wrong. I only have my dad to think about he is 73, but also he has 3 pensions and social security that bring in a lot of money every month , so I could hire help full time to help me. If it was not for his money I couldn't do that and when they get that bad that you have to bath them and feed them and you just can't do it what do you do? I am lucky I have some financial help if anything happens to my dad, but it may get to a point where i have no choice, but he will be in a facility that will take great care of him and all his money will go to them. But knowing my dad he will outlive me I don't think it is wrong at all..

 

[smelly07]

My husbands grandad died last january, he was in his 80's and lived alone (for 18 months after his wife died) about a 3 hour drive away from his family, i was shocked that none of the family offered to have him live with them or at least get him closer to family..... we didnt have the space for him to move in with us but other family members did even my husbands mum, (his daughter) had a spare room and the space but she didnt want him living with her........before he died my husband and his older sister were trying to get him housed via the council to get him closer to us but it was too late.........he died alone and wasnt found for a few days, he was found down the side of his bed.....so sad.

SO Personally i think as long as you do the best for your parents it doesnt matter if they are at home or in a care home as long as they are not alone, regularly visited and they know they are loved thats all that matters. x

 

[tallybee]

I think everyone's situations are different, and saying an approach is 'right' or 'wrong' is missing the point we all do what we feel is best for our own families and situations

 

[Eternal]

Depends on how young my kids are and how high a level of care they need. But for the most part I wouldn't like to out my mum in a home.

But the culture here has changed, women work now, whereas before when a woman got married she became a house wife and many women made that their occupation. If a woman is working it would be difficult to juggle that as well as everything else.

But Yes, I agree, they looked after us and we have a responsibility to repay them, although I imagine my Dad will be really hard work.

 

[mum22ttc#3]

I don't think that in the majority of cases it comes down to 'when did we all became so uncaring towards our elders' at all and actually has many more factors taken into consideration then that.

My Nan went into a care home a few months back, she has Alzheimer's and just couldn't cope living on her own anymore. It wasn't possible for her to go to my Parents/Auntie/Uncles as they all work full time and basically many people can't afford nowadays to just give up work, if she had gone to live with them and they had had to go to work then again she wouldn't have been getting the care she needed as for the majority of the time on bad days she needs 24 hour care.

I hope that when my parents come to need that extra care that one of us will be in the position to offer it as the last thing I would want is for them to be in a home. If we weren't though and worst case scenario was that they had to go into a home, then I wouldn't see it as a betrayal, if another place or person can offer a better amount and quality of care then I could at that time, for whatever reason it may be, then I would actually see it as more of betrayal to keep them in my care, knowing that it wasn't adequate.
Also like in my Nan's situation I know that it wasn't an easy decision for them to come to, it was one that was well thought about, well looked into and one that wasn't taken very lightly. Homes were looked at and the best one chosen.

 

[Hellylou]

I think this also depends very much on what the elderly person themself wants - it's not a case of nobody caring enough to look after their elderly relatives. Sometimes they don't want that kind of care from their loved ones. I know my mother has already indicated that under no circumstances am I to provide intimate one to one care if she ever needed it. She would rather be in a home looked after by professionals that she has paid for than suffer the indignity of being washed by her daughter. She would be mortified.

It's about dignity and respecting the wishes of the person too. Sometimes that level of care simply isn't an option for relatives, however well meaning.

 

[Nibblenic]

I have to agree that care homes as long as you choose (like a nursery for your child) the one you feel happy with, then I think its fine.

My grandparents have a private livingroom, bedroom, on suite on both. As they are a couple and treated as so. The whole floor of their home celebrated their 63rd wedding anniversary last week. They are visited by family 3 times a week. Most importantly, which there were no longer at home, they are clean, fed properly, looked after. Is their quaility of life good, tbh no but it wasnt in the home either. It was much worse. As the difference to being at home, where carers came in 3/4 times a day. Is they said and could say no to them. My gran hadnt been washed in 4 weeks when an ambulance took her in. She stunk but she wouldnt listen to anyone or accept care when she was at home, unless my mother was physically there, which working 40-60 hours a week she wasnt. She went in because my grandad had been giving her his medication and vice cersa There is a line when you need full time care in a different environment where to be frank your not the boss. Because they get to a stage where they just dont know what is best for them, in a similar way to toddlers.
My grandparents to this day will deny they she has incontinence problems. We had to take up floor boards where she sat/slept because the urine had soaked through them.

It was a incredibly hard time, but we did really do what was best for them. I think 25 years care is a hell of a lot more than most children to for their parents anyway.

 

[Sarahkka]

This is a tough question, and one which women are disproportionately shouldered with. Elder care in intergenerational living was usually possible because the woman in the household was a fulltime homemaker and caregiver. She did this for the children, then turned around and did it for the parents. It worked as long as she was there in the home. I'm curious to know if this has been affected by women going into the workforce. If the traditional model is disrupted by working women, how has the model changed?
Nowadays, few households in the West can afford to exist on one income. Lots of us don't have the choice to stay home with our kids, let alone stay home to care for aged parents. We don't live close to either set of parents, so that compounds our problem even further. There are the horror-story nursing homes, but there are some great assisted-living places that let seniors have lots of independence as well as the safety and support they need. My grandfather chose to live in one such place and was delighted by the arrangement. So I don't see it as abandoning our elders.

 

[Ozzieshunni]

My great great aunt who just passed last year at 103 lived in a residential care home. It got to the point where if something happened to her in her home (she lived in the mountains) no one would know. Her daughter was caring for her husband who had Alzheimer's so she couldn't do it and her grandchildren were all married with young children.

She made the choice and enjoyed it because there were things to do and people to talk to. It was a loss of freedom in a way, but she made the choice for the greater good.

My only sadness is that when her home was sold, the man that bought it tore it down and cut down all the lovely trees Her husband had built the home too.

 

[Blah11]

Not IMO. Some elderly people need 24/7 care and their children probably work and have their own family to look after. Also, residential homes can be quite nice for them socially.

 

[SKATERBUN]

It all depends on the circumstances, some families do care but do not have the time and patience to handle a parent who has dementia or a disability.
Where as some will look after their parent and sacrafice a lot of their own life to ensure that they do not have to resort to this - I think the government definitely needs to invest more money into caring for the elderly though.

 

[highhopes19]

I would expect Isabelle to put me in a care home when I'm old.... I dont want her to or expect to have to look after me I.e. personal care, feeding me.....

I'd want her to be living her own life with her own family .... I'd like her to visit me lots though

My mum, nan and grandad all feel this way Aswell

 

[Lina]

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts, some interesting reasons that I did not think of. It is great that some old people positively choose to be homed but I do wonder whether they would prefer to be looked after by immediate family but do not want to feel like a burden.

 

[deafgal]

is Alzheimer's disease , dementia , etc. common in other part of the countries? here, people work 40 hours a week (or more) and some people can't look after people who need 24/7 care. btw, I was a certified nursing assistant for several years in many nursing homes. many who ended up in them needed 24/7 care in long term(meaning they will live a long time) . vegetative /coma state, alzheimer's (they tend to get very abusive), broken hips, etc. they could not get the care they need at home.