is this grief or depression??? PLEASE HELP x x

[mad4babies]

Hi. For you who don't know me I am 40 years old. Dh 47, 6 children and 3 miscarriages in the last 10 months. On top of this my 18 year old daughter is 19 weeks pregnant and just got engaged. I have lost 2 babies during her pregnancy. I have a history of depression.


What I need to ask is how do you differentiate between grief and depression. It has been 4 weeks since we were told our baby was dead. I had to wait to mc chosing natural miscarriage. I believe I was actually still depressed from 1st miscarriage and most certainly from 2nd. I can't function, I don't want to leave bedroom, I don't want to see or speak to anyone. I am crying, I am SO angry. I get strong urges to be with my babies who have noone. I think reckless thoughts and I want to self harm.

Is this grief or depression.


Please, if you want to write how selfish I am and I should think of family etc etc then you have never suffered from depression and shouldn't be replying. I am looking for people with knowledge of the situation not ones helping me feel more guilty than I already do pushing me closer to the edge!!!
. .

Thank you for you replies x x x

 

[sweetB]

So sorry about what you've been through- it sounds terrible. Technically, the feelings you're describing would be classified as bereavement (grief) until 2 months after the loss- after that it may be classified as major depressive episode. But classifications aside, you're right that the symptoms of grief and depression are very similar and neither one is "worse"- they both feel horrible. The bottom line is whether the things you're feeling are inhibiting your daily functioning, which it seems like they are. It sounds like you could really use someone to talk to about all of this- someone who won't judge you and can just lend a compassionate ear. Have you thought about finding a counselor? If you're not open to that, is there a family member or friend who you could call when you're feeling down?

You mentioned you've had thoughts of self-harm. I know its possible you'd never actually hurt yourself... but I also know how tough this situation is. Please reach out for help if the thoughts get overwhelming or you find yourself getting close to the edge. I'm not sure where you live, but the following websites have options so you can have a live chat with an expert online if you ever feel like you need it (or you can call their hotlines)):
https://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
https://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp/

Please take care of yourself- I will be thinking of you! Let us know how things are going this week- take it day by day. You are so strong already, and I know you will get through this too.

 

[Andypanda6570]

I have 3 boys older I then got pregnant at 40 (total surprise) and after 20 years i finally was told it was a girl..My sons were 21 19 and 12 at the time..Well at 22 weeks I lost my Ava..I felt the same way and I did actually try to harm myself, thank God it didn't work..When your in pain you are selfish it's normal.. After, I realized what I had done, what would my 3 boys have done without their mother ? it took me a good 2 years to feel better and I needed medication. You are not alone, your feelings are totally normal..I didn't get out of bed either, I swear I thought the pain and the crying would never stop, but it does, it takes time... Try to seek out someone to talk with, there has to be some kind of a program for mothers of lost babies.. I think you are in the UK? I will try to look for you..We are all here for you, I know it's a computer but these women really helped me tremendously, believe me..SENDING Love.. I am very sorry for your losses..XOXOXOXOXOX

 

[AnnieMac2]

I know we've talked on another thread, but I just want to say again: please don't hurt yourself. I do know exactly how you feel. I've been depressed to the point it was dangerous, so I really do know how hopeless you feel. Even though your brain can't conceive of it right now and you forget what good feelings even feel like, know that they will come back little by little. You are not being weak or selfish. Unfortunately, what you are feeling right now is expected to an extent, and based on a multitude of other women's experiences, they do improve. Change happens, you couldn't keep things from changing in life even if you wanted to.

You deserve additional help even if you don't think you do. Please contact a professional even if your heart's not in it. Try to not be judgmental of yourself, as you would be so hard on other people if they were going through this. You've beat depression before. There are already people on this forum that care about you.

Right now you just have too much grief to cope with. The fact that you're reaching out means you're at least a tiny bit unsure if you want to hurt yourself. Please continue to update us as we want you to be ok.

xoxoxoxo

 

[mad4babies]

Thank you all so much taking time to reply. Your kind words mean so much to me. In a strange way it is good to hear that these feelings can be normal with grief and that since it is a short time from my loss that they can be expected. They are very frightening to feel when they are so intense and yes - they are stopping me living normally on a day to day basis.

But - I'm here, I haven't harmed myself - they are only thoughts that I have no choice but to get control of. So somewhere I have to find the strength to get through each long day and night until hopefully one day these feeling become easier and can be in the background not at my side.

Thank you for caring x x x

 

[InTheVerse]

I'm so sorry for your losses. It sounds very much like grief, which can lead us to very dark thoughts. Please don't hurt yourself, I'd recommend talking to your GP because grief can become depression and if it's this intense and you are worried it's better to get your GP in the know now. If it follows as grief normally does then the GP won't be needed later but if it gets darker, it good for your GP to be aware because by that point you'll probably find it so very hard to explain everything the way you are now.


People who trot out the selfish line really don't have a clue, they are largely ignorant, or in denial, both or just really people you don't need in your life. Take each day as it comes, don't look to the future, just get through each day and they do become easier.

 

[mad4babies]

Hi 'Intheverse'. Thank you so much for your reply. You talk a lot of sense and I am trying to take each day at a time. x x

 

[Topanga053]

Hi hun,

I don't think it matters what it's called. I think the fact that you cannot function normally and have thoughts of self-harm are red flags enough to tell you to seek professional help. I became deeply depressed after my loss a couple of years ago and when I started having thoughts of suicide, i got scared and knew I really needed to do something. I went on anti-depressants, which worked VERY WELL for me. I was still very sad, but no longer suicidal. I then found a therapist who was a good match for me and started going regularly. Both of those things really helped me. I can tell you're in a really dark place right now, which I completely understand. So please, PLEASE turn to a professional to help you get through this.

 

[AnnieMac2]

I hope you're doing a bit better, mad4babies. I agree with Topanga your symptoms and how they interfere with your life are more important than a label. I was lucky that medication was a lifesaver for me in the past, although idk how you feel about that. I ended up being in a good enough place to wean off of them successfully and carry on. You should seek help either way. xoxo

 

[StarAngel]

Very sorry for your losses. It seems as though you have had one knock after another, grief is a terrible thing and there is no time limits, seems to me that you may have a touch of depression thrown into the mix along with your grief. Who would blame you? You are going through alot, what you need the most is compassion to yourself. In my experience of a m/c I blamed myself, thought I did something to cause it because there were no other answers available to me. As time went on and the pain and anger I felt lessened. I don't know if theres self blame on your part but if there is, you need to give yourself a chance. Its a very difficult thing to overcome especially if you have history of depression. May be worth your while seeing a therapist to help you come to terms with your losses so you can move on. Best of luck xx

 

[mad4babies]

thank you StarAngel for your reply. As for the self blame I didn't realise until yesterday how much I did blame myself. My husband had said how sorry he was that I was still suffering and I told him it wasn't his fault - that he didn't kill the babies. He replied that I didn't either and I burst into tears.

I feel that I am finding ways of punishing myself to satisfy this guilt and that I don't deserve to get better or to have my rainbow baby.