Is this unreasonable?

[Rei]

OKay, this answer might come from a bit of a biased group but.....here it goes.

Okay my boyfriend and I broke off our engagement last year because we both couldn't agree on the family situation. I want to have children wants we've enjoyed our marriage a couple of years and settled (rougly age 23-24) he wants to wait till I'm THIRTY!!!!

His argument is that statistically speaking children who have older parents have better lives, but I don't want to have to wait till I'm THIRTY!!! my argument is that woman have much more difficulties after thirty as well as the increased risk of autism.....and twins >.> then again I think I'm going to probably have atl east ONE pair of twins before my life is out because i seem to inherit EVERYTHING from my grandmother.....

but still, he doesn't seem to want to budge....is this fair? also note that my boyfriend is four years older than I am. I'm 20 he's 24.......this is just stupid!

 

[calliebaby]

Is he willing to compromise, say maybe when you are 26? This would give you plenty of time before 30 and it would give him more time to get used to the idea. He would be 30 at this time and maybe that would change his prospective on things. Good luck.
(I hope you don't mind me responding)

 

[Rei]

lol, of course I don't mind you responding, I was hoping for responses ^_^
but trust me I tried that argument, he won't budge -_- he's hell bent on me being thirty years old when we have our first child -_- IF we have a child.
he doesn't want children, in his eyes this is his way of compromising >.<

 

[calliebaby]

I guess then you have to decide if you can live with that. My hubby wasn't sure that he wanted kids when we met, but I told him I would not marry someone that wouldn't want to have kids. We have been married almost 5 years and hubby just got used to the idea. We started trying in January. I am 27 and my husband wanted to wait until we were 30 as well. He started to change his mind when our friends had children and when he saw how much I wanted children. For my hubby, time was all he needed. I hope this is the case for your df.

 

[Lilly12]

You'll have to figure out if you can live with not having children at all, or at age 30.
If he doesn't want to have children then I wouldn't want to be with him if he's sure he doesn't want children but says he wants one when hes 30..just for you.
He might end up not being ready after all, or he might resent the baby and you.
Or he might just be ready way before 30.

I think most guys just take a while to get used to the fact of having children.
Do not push it on him , cause that makes him not want to have on at all probably..just try to not be too serious about it yet and make little comments once in a while and he might get used to that, I know how hard it'll be for you, trust me.

With my husband it's kind of working, I stopped talking about it alot and all of a sudden he seems way more interested.
I did let him know that I'm really wanting to have a baby soon etc..I told him whenever he tells me we can ttc it'll be one of the happiest moments in my life..I think that made him realize how much it means to me.

Good luck!!

 

[Rei]

Thank you guys, I apreciate the imput. it just hurts sometimes and I basically feel like my dreams are just going to ruin his life. Everytime i try to even mention it he just gets so .... mopy....that's the only way I can describe it.

 

[Lilly12]

I hear you girl.
My husband used to get aggitated if I even put the word "baby" in my mouth..
He gave me this evil look like I was crazy and like it would be the end of the world..this scared me!!
I thought we'd never going to have a baby ever, sometimes he said he didnt even want to bring a baby into this world..it crashed all my dreams.

But!!
I think alot of guys just need lots of time to get used to the idea of children, it scares them terribly cause it'll change their whole life, all they think about is the practical stuff, women tend to be more emotionally ready and take it as to what it is, guys think and think and want everything to be PERFECT, which of course, it'll never be perfect..
you can never predict how your life is going to be in a few years even, let along a whole life time..that's what i tried telling him, and he got to understand that if he wanted to wait untill everything is perfect and he'll be 100% ready, then he's going to be old and im going to be not able to have any children anymore and he'll regret it.

Give him some time, i understand this is terribly difficult for you..but it'll hopefully pay off!!

 

[Rei]

thank you, I sure hope he gets more used to the idea and actually wants children SOME TIME before I'm 30

 

[Lilly12]

I hope so for you too.
I always wanted to be a young mommy, now I'm almost 25.
When we got married, last year, I said before im 30, now 30 is too long to wait!!

Just try to carefully explain to him how much it means to you, most men are not good at reading emotions and underlying messages, you actually have to tell them straight up how you feel..

Dont scare him though,pfff its hard to communicate with a guy sometimes about important stuff,

 

[Amygdala]

I agree with the others that playing it cool for a while is the best way to go. I would definitely not want to have married my DH if I thought he might not want to have kids ever. But I think it might just be young age in your OH's case or maybe lack of experience with kids. I think the best thing you can do to see whether he might change his mind down the line is get him in contact with kids. Do you have friends/family with young kids you could visit? If not, even talking about them might get him used to the idea more. Keep it very casual though ("Today this little boy I saw in the supermarket said the funniest thing..."). A lot can happen in men's attitudes to babies, especially in their late 20s. But if you really think he's not likely to change his mind, then don't set yourself up for heartache by marrying him anyway. Good luck!

 

[4magpies]

My other half wants to wait till I am 25. If he turns around and says no then I will leave him and find someone else.

I want children NOW. I am 22 (23 in June). But I am willing to wait a couple of years for him.

As said above ask him to compromise at 25/26?

xxx

 

[Pippin]

I had a baby at 30 and I'm glad I waited if that is any help. Risk of autism and downs really start at 35 so don't worry too much about that. I wasn't financially or mentally ready for a baby in my 20s, I was having way to much fun going out with friends and partying. Having a baby is hard work and expensive what ever your budget, thankfully now I have a lovely job that I can take a year out from with good maternity pay. So I am having the time of my life all over again but this time with a baby (not uni or clubbing ). My husband is a lot older than me too and he also felt the same. We have a nice house that we (almost, damn mortgage) own and garden for Sam to play in which is something we could boast about when we were younger. I now want number two so he has a brother and sister to share it all with. I felt I've had a good life growing up (some say it took me longer than most people hahahaha) but now I'm ready for the next chapter, children. BUT and it's a big BUT, this is what worked for me and my husband, what works for everyone else is a very personal choice so do what you think is right for you and your boyfriend. Just thought you should hear from someone that did wait and was glad she did. x

 

[amym]

Hi Rei

I was in a similar situation - my ex and I were together for 7 years, from 21 to 28, and we called off our wedding with 10 weeks to go as he finally said he definitely didn't want to have children. Before that he had been all 'maybe, maybe not' and I desperately wanted to start trying on honeymoon! He even went and had a couple of sessions with a counsellor so he could understand why he was so determined not to have kids....

The frustrating thing now is that I am now 31, newly wed to the most amazing man I never woudl have met had not split with my ex....but I'm only just TTC #1 now and I want lots of kids.

I don't think it's a lost cause but then again I'd hate you to go through what I did - what if you get to 30 and THEN he says no? Promises can be easily broken when it's such a big deal that you both need to be true to yourselves.

I hope it all works out for you, sorry if this has put a downer on your situation but it touched my heart so much I had to reply!

 

[Rei]

thank you ladies for your replies ^_^
trust me I asked him if he would compromise and have a child at 26 (which i actually think is a perfect age to start trying) but he said he's compromising by having children in the first place >.< we broke off our engagement, broke up for a little while, and now we have been back together for quite a while. I just don't get his reasoning. I mean I can uderstand that he doesn't want a child now, heck, neither do I, but I also don't want to wait ten years...

 

[Lilly12]

yeah 10 years is a looong time and alot could happen!!

guys dont know what they want theirselves, half the time

 

[Rei]

lol this is true