It's a boy, but I wanted a girl

[PrettyInInk42]

I'm gonna try and do my best not to ramble here...

I'm 28 and pregnant with my first baby. This was an unplanned pregnancy, but I've wanted a baby for years. I'm not in a relationship; the father is my 9+ year best friend/friend with benefits.

I've always wanted a little girl. If I could only have one child and got to pick the gender, it'd definitely be a girl. I realize people have no control over which gender they naturally conceive, but from the moment I found out I was pregnant, I envisioned the baby being a girl. I made a post in gender predictions and everyone said girl. Even I thought I saw a "girly nub" in my 12 week U/S. I was so convinced, that I had already bought several girl onesies and sleepers. But, at my 20 week scan (Sat. Mar 4), the tech pointed out a penis on the screen and a RN at my OB's office confirmed boy as well (Mon. Mar 6). I thought I was handling the news fairly well on Saturday, but in the afternoon, it hit me. I broke down and spent a few hours in bed, crying. I posted this over in "pregnancy groups and discussion" that evening...

"I've spent most of the afternoon trying to think about all the positives. I even decided to take a walk to my local mall to clear my head and run a couple errands (like take back the doll I bought), but half way into my walk home, I just broke down. Now that I'm home, I'm just sitting on my bed, wiping away tears as I type this. I know this reaction is a mix of hormones and expectations and uncertainties about the future, but I feel like shit. I spent most of last year grieving the loss of my dad, and now I feel like I'm grieving the loss of my daughter. And I feel like such an asshole cuz some of you are dealing the possibility of actual medical issues, and I'm bawling my eyes out cuz my baby has a penis. I hate myself for feeling like this, especially when I feel him move. He's counting on me to love and support and be there for him, but I'm an emotional wreck. I know I'll get past this and I'll love my son more than words can say, but I'm having trouble dealing with this right now."

I keep going back and forth between acceptance and still being upset. Only a handful of people in my life know I'm pregnant (not my mom or the father though) and 2 of those people knew I was hoping for a girl. The night before my scan, one of those friends asked me publicly (on a secret FB group, where everyone knew I was pregnant) if I was still hoping to be team pink. That was info I didn't want anyone else to know. I feel embarrassed and ashamed to have to admit that I'm having a boy just cuz I wanted a girl.

As I said above, I know I'll love him, but it's hard to deal with. I'm afraid I'll end up like Drew Barrymore's character in Riding In Cars With Boys, where she expected to have a girl, but was kind of a shit mom to her son. And I can be told 1000 times that as soon as he's born I'll love him just as much, but until I experience it, I feel like it's not gonna sink in. And, considering my unconventional relationship status, I dunno if I'll have another shot at having a girl in the future. I can't handle the thought of only having one kid and having it be a boy.

 

[Xpecta]

That's so understandable. It's quite common to be upset. That's why there's a whole section for it. I was in that position before. It's a real thing, a real feeling. And of course you'll love him when he's born, and probably before he's born as well, but it doesn't change the feelings you've had.

What I've heard before that really helped, isn't the fact that you're upset you're having a boy, it's like you said - You're grieving the loss of a future with a daughter.

Don't beat yourself up. Just take your time to grieve. You need it. That baby will be loved. Try not to feel guilty, and you can always come back here to talk when you need too. No judgments here. We get it.

Hugs!!!

 

[jtink28]

don't beat yourself up over your feelings - let yourself feel them and process them before the baby arrives so that once he's here, those emotions are dealt with.

i'm a mom to two little boys (and i'm done having children). with my 2nd, i wanted a girl. i found out he was a boy when i was at the park with my 2nd one - (i got a phone call after my 12 week nipt testing). i held it together, but i'd been expecting a girl and i was secretly so so sad. when he arrived, i couldn't believe i'd wanted a girl. he was perfect, and exactly what i needed. that little soul had picked ME to be his mom. having boys is amazing - i know most women in this section want girls, but oh, having boys is so so great. there's just something amazing about a mom's relationship with her son - you'll find out.

good luck and be kind to yourself!

 

[Jessicahide]

Its just how you feel right now and its difficult to negotiate with feelings as they can be uninterested in logic and reason. I have just had my first daughter after 3 boys and if i am honest there is really no difference so far. You love your little guy and honestly, once you see his little face it will all melt away, perhaps if you have a bonding scan it will help you. x

 

[PrettyInInk42]

Its just how you feel right now and its difficult to negotiate with feelings as they can be uninterested in logic and reason. I have just had my first daughter after 3 boys and if i am honest there is really no difference so far. You love your little guy and honestly, once you see his little face it will all melt away, perhaps if you have a bonding scan it will help you. x

What's a bonding scan?

 

[Jessicahide]

Its just how you feel right now and its difficult to negotiate with feelings as they can be uninterested in logic and reason. I have just had my first daughter after 3 boys and if i am honest there is really no difference so far. You love your little guy and honestly, once you see his little face it will all melt away, perhaps if you have a bonding scan it will help you. x

What's a bonding scan?

https://www.yourbabyscan.com/

 

[PrettyInInk42]

I've heard the FDA is kind of against 3D scan though.

 

[Jessicahide]

I've heard the FDA is kind of against 3D scan though.

Not for any real reason, i have had 5+ scans in 4 pregnancies, no issues. The warning is against unlicensed staff detecting abnormalities and not knowing what they are or how to deal with the mother. Was just a suggestion.

 

[Mrs.H2016]

Hmm trust me when he is born you will not think "he should have been a girl" and if you do I suggest you speak with a doctor for assistance. Finding out gives you time to greive not having a girl, that's normal. After he is born over the next few days or so it will pop in your head that you wished for a girl those thoughts don't just disappear but you shouldn't be focused on them after birth.
I wanted a girl so bad and have been through the gd more then once. This is my last and still I have no girl. Yes I am sad but it gets easier. This summer I will give birth to my fourth boy... that's right fourth...
Trust me I know how you feel. Don't feel bad for how you feel right now it's normal. Just get help if you notice it's not get better.

 

[Misscalais]

Sorry you didn't get the gender you wanted, I have 3 boys and they are all amazing. I had pretty bad GD with my 3rd son but when he was born I did not care what was between his legs. He loves me and that's all that matters. Hopefully you'll feel the AMA ephemeral your sweet boy is born.