It's all spinning in my head

[FemmeFatal]

I apologize in advance for how long this post is likely to turn out. There is just so much racing through my brain at all times and I've finally come to a breaking point and need to let it out. I'm generally a lurker, reading all the posts yet rarely having the right things to comment back but I really wish to be more active and in the act of being more active more realistic in my activeness. Not too sure that made any sense. I spend an excess amount of time browsing the 1st Tri and Teen Pregnancy sections of the site in such envy, so I've decided it may be best for me if I stick to the WTT section where I rightfully belong in hopes to save the remainders of my sanity.

My Story
I'm 19 and have been with OH (25) for a little more than six months and hope to marry sometime next fall. I realize six months doesn't categorize as a lengthy time period for such plans as marriage and a family, but when things are right you just know. Just under two months after we started dating I moved from the city (transfered my job) to live closer to him in the suburbs rather than commuting via Metra to see him once or twice a week. Within two weeks of being here I became pregnant (28 April was the date of conception). I had been convinced from a young age that I wouldn't be able to have children for various reason and would have bet my life on that conviction. After being three days late I tested for the sole reason of easing his mind. On 28 May I got a surprise positive when I was expecting to see a negative. OH was less than thrilled with the news. He didn't think we were in any place to be having a child felt abortion was the only option we had though it pained him. I was convinced we could manage if he would just open his mind to the idea, though being the typical stubborn Italian that wasn't likely but I still tried to alter his thoughts. At 6w5d I noticed some light bleeding but being a Saturday I couldn't get in to see my doctor until that Monday. They scheduled me for an ultrasound that Monday (15 June) afternoon and I got to see my little baby on the screen. 129 beats per minute filling the screen. The cause of the bleeding was a blood clot where the placenta had attached. I was told that I had a 50/50 chance of the baby surviving. It would either sort itself out or the clot would grow as the baby did and the placenta would eventually detach and I would lose the baby. Unfortunately, over the next few days the bleeding worsened and I was told that I was losing my baby and had to terminate. 19 June I went in at 7w3d to terminate my baby which already had hold of my heart.

So there it is, how I ended up here. There isn't a day that passes where the thought of babies doesn't flood my mind. Everywhere I go I see ripely pregnant women glowing with such beautiful bellies, or mothers carrying there newborns and/or little ones. It hurts so much because that should be me. I would have been 18w3d by now. My mind keeps wondering what if that was my only chance, though I know it's a silly thought. I'm sure I'll have my chance again, but it doesn't make me feel any better. OH and I are waiting to try until we have gotten our house and I move into my pharmacy tech position and he lands himself one that will pay better. All good reasons to wait, I hold no doubt in that, but the waiting just drives me crazy. I can't talk to him about it because I can't stand to see the sadness in his eyes. I feel so selfish wanting this all right now. My thoughts keep coming back to the fact that so many people in worse off situations than ourselves have managed to take great care of their children, so why couldn't we? He always plays the logic card, and I can't disagree with that. But I also hold the emotional card and it's eating away at me. I don't want to wait though I know it's best we do. Deep inside I keep hoping for an accident...
*sigh* I apologize for the novel I have typed, and the sad truth is that isn't even the half of what is racing through my mind but it will suffice for the moment. I give kudos to anyone who managed to get all the way through that.

 

[wannabubba#4]

Didn't want to read and run..
But I dont have any usefull advise at all.

I wanted to send you a hug though and say how sorry I am for your loss.

I know it probably doesn't help when daft oldies like me say this but
- you are young and hopefully you'll have lots of time to have the baby you so deeply desire and deserve.

All the best when it does happen. Keep your spirits up

p.s. so sorry if that sounded patronizing or anything!

 

[FemmeFatal]

No worries. I realize I am young, I've been told my entire life much the same. Under other circumstances I would look at myself as too young to be considering this and feel it would be in my best interests to wait a number of years. The way I grew up forced years on me that I wasn't ready for but learned to cope with.

 

[Sophie1205]

aww hun so sorry to hear about your loss. I dont really have any advice but wanted to give you xxx

 

[CamoQueen]

I understand how hard it can be to wait when it just feels right. That's what DH and I did with our LO -- we waited a year until things were settled, but I won't kid you when I say that it was very, very hard. I know how hard it is to wait despite your intense desires to get pregnant; I went through it myself.

Since it really is best to wait (at least from my p.o.v., reading what you wrote), all I can say is good luck riding out the emotional storm. There are lots of women in WTT that will sympathize! I spent a lot of my time reading about pregnancy and preparing myself with the right vitamins and diet for when we were TTC -- it helped because I felt like I was getting myself in the best shape for conception, so that the waiting had 'value', IYKWIM? Good luck, honey!

 

[FemmeFatal]

I do appreciate all that you have to say, and I realize there isn't much that can be said in a situation such as this or in many of the other emotional rants that come from WTT. All I really need is someone to listen and understand. OH will listen but I can't feel I can't talk to him about it. He is such a strong man in appearance, but on the inside he far from in most cases. When he breaks down my mothering instinct kicks in and I hold the strong front to be able to help him. He feels so terrible about the way the situation has affected me and how this loss will always plague my mind. It hurts him so I can't bring myself to push it in his face any farther. I know all of us in the WTT section wish now were "that time". I'm slowly compiling a list of things I wish to accomplish before I become pregnant, at the top of which being losing weight/getting into shape, landing my position in the pharmacy, and buying our house. There really isn't anyone around here I can talk to and it just felt right to vent here considering everyone here knows the feeling to one degree or another. No one has the magic words to make things better, because those words just don't exist, but we do have the words to make things just a little bit better and that's all it really takes.

 

[CamoQueen]

 

[fairygirl]

Vent all you like, everyone in here has been lovely since I joined and I think we'd all agree that making our lives as settled as we can to bring a baby into the world is our priority so we can give them the best possible start.

 

[Loz75]

Dont underestimate how emotional having a miscarriage is - I had one before Emm and it takes a long time to recover, especially if you dont have kids already. It probably took me at least 3 months before I felt normal again.
Give yourself time to grieve - you have lost a child remember, you cant just be expected to carry on as if nothing has happened. It can be hard for men to understand. It is also a really awful process to go through the termination, which is so hard. Give this time to you to recover, get some support from family and oh, friends.
In all honesty it is much better to have kids when you are both ready. Give yourself time and then try again when it's good for both of you.
Hope you are ok x

 

[sophie c]

hi hun i just wanted to say that i was pregnant at 18 and we were both desperate for the baby but unfortunately we lost that baby at 7wks, i was distraught to say the least and for the next 6mnths i couldnt think of anything but babies and why i couldnt get pregnant.....well i now have a bouncy 6mnth old baby after 6mnths of trying after the M/C.
i just wanted to give you some hope hun, i also thought "THATS IT" i though i wouldnt ever be a mummy but we got there hun....dont give up hope

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[PnutProtector]

aww hunni

It's a terrible thing to lose a baby, and men sometimes just don't understand the toll it takes on a woman both physically and emotionally. It leaves you feeling empty. And thinking about what would have been if everything went right is torture.
I myself had a missed MC at 12 wks and didn't find out that lost the baby till 2 weeks after. I was 20 and so was my bf at the time. That was 3 years ago. I am still not completely over it, and probably will never be.

I'm always here if you need to chat

 

[BABYCAREY]

hi,i wanted to leave you a post becos like quite a good few of us on here we have went thru something similiar,i know how strongly a mothers love for her unborn is,my hubby is a fantastic man,he cried like a baby when they said our baby had gone,was down for a couple days then went back to work,i was due to go back from maternity on monday 7th,cant even bear thought of it!!he said to me yesterday take things easy today pet and please stop thinking about whats happened?? WTF?? my doc said men are different to us,we are emotional and like to talk but they are more stronger!!cant be seen to cry etc!! i guess what im trying to say is that its going take time for you to come to terms with whats happened,i am going to do what camo said and use the waiting time to get more healthy and in better shape for our next time trying!! my doc tole me yesterday it could take months for my cycle to go back to normal!!that freaked me out,i havent time on my side!! im 39!! good luck and god bless!

 

[EmmanBump]

Hun youve had a really tough time, miscarriages are hard to pull through and only time will be the healer, Sending you lots of cuddles x

 

[FemmeFatal]

I really appreciate all the kind and understand words everyone has said. I know what happened is something I will never get over and I have accepted that fact. I understand how hard it is for men to understand the way something like this effects us women. The honest truth is a man will never love the unborn child the way the mother does, not to say he wouldn't love it just as much but the love is clearly different. OH wasn't able to feel the way that I did. He couldn't feel deathly nauseous yet smile for what it truly meant, he couldn't feel the "feeling" of just being pregnant (both joy and misery), he couldn't feel any of it, so when it was gone he didn't feel that something was missing. I think perhaps that is the biggest part. Men bounce back so much faster because they don't feel like something is missing, like an important piece has been taken away after it had already been given. I am so sorry to hear that some of you have experienced something very similar. No one should have to live with this feeling. All of you come off as so strong and I applaud it. I know it may just be a front to the weakness inside but it's a start. I'm slowly compiling a list of things I wish to accomplish before we try for baby and that does help the time pass, so does keeping busy and working hard. Though, I can help but feel heavy hearted whenever I see a pregnant woman or a newborn, or when I pass the infants section of any store. And now I'm rambling on again. You all are so kind and reassuring. I plan on sticking around for quite awhile.

 

[PnutProtector]

making a list of goals to accomplish before TTC is a great idea. Check out mine (post #31) and Twinks lists for some inspiration.

 

[Beltane]

 

[Peach]

 

[FemmeFatal]

Those are great lists PNut. Very inspirational indeed. Luckily for the next few weeks I'll have a small distraction, or rather eight small distractions. I am coming into a little of four week old kittens to bottle feed and hand raise for the next month or so until they are old enough to go to loving homes. I intend to keep one or two of them for my own. Hopefully this will help ease some of my mothering desire for a bit.

 

[PnutProtector]

that sounds like fun!

 

[FemmeFatal]

I think it will be. I've been anxious to get these kittens for a while now. I feel as though if I don't mother something my head just may explode. I secretly keep hoping the AF just won't show one month. Silly I know, but I still can't hold back the hope of a wonderful accident.