It's all spinning in my head

[PeanutBean]

Hi FemmeFatal, sorry to hear your story. Like others have said it's hard but you do have time on your side. On your fear of not being able to have kids, I have a friend who unfortunately got chlamydia off her ex-husband and so doesn't know if her fertility will be affected and it is a huge worry and does make a woman worry but try not to. You've already shown you can conceive and that's a good lump of the battle. In my first pregnancy I got bleeding at 7 weeks and was devastated. I had to wait a couple of days for an ultrasound and they showed me the bleed saying it was wear the placenta was attaching (sounds like your story I think). They thought it would be fine though and also told me to expect more bleeding, which I got, another bout of spotting and then at 12 weeks a huge bright red gush that left me terrified and came when I was away from home with work. It was the most frightening experience but amazingly all was well and now I have a gorgeous 9 month old boy. So don't worry, when the time comes I'm sure you'll get your baby fine, bleeding doesn't always end in disaster.

 

[FemmeFatal]

Peanut, your story does sound much like my own. Apparently my clot was caused by the edge of placenta folding under itself when it attached. The doctor said it could go either way, but unfortunately it went the way I wished it hadn't. I don't doubt I have plenty of time ahead of me, though I do worry about not being able to conceive when the time comes. I'm not entirely certain why I am so convinced that I am on the infertile side, it's just a feeling I've had for years. I suppose I am likely to be placing too much worry into the situation. I am quite pleased to hear that your pregnancy worked out so well despite the bleeding. My eldest sister bled through all of her pregnancies and has children to show for all five. I greatly appreciate your words and an terribly sorry to hear about your friend. Right now is just a battle between head and heart. Despite knowing that I do in fact have time and will have my baby when my time has come, my heart still aches for what could have, would have, should have been.

 

[PeanutBean]

I'm sure that when you do hold your baby in your arms you'll feel a little sad for the one you never but overwhelmingly happy for the one you have. It changes everything.

 

[FemmeFatal]

You are absolutely right. The feelings would be very mixed, so blessed to have the one in my arms yet saddened over it not being the one that didn't make it. That sadness will never go away, nor do I think it should. For 7w3d I loved that baby with all that I had, to relinquish the sadness of its loss would be to relinquish my love for it and I refuse to allow that. You are all such a great group and I do appreciate the listening and encouraging words you offer.

 

[limpetsmum]

[/QUOTE] my heart still aches for what could have, would have, should have been.[/QUOTE]
I had this exact same feeling today hun - hang in there
I lost 2 babies this year (i say babies because to me they were never anything less than). One at 7 weeks & the other at 8+3 (although i didn't know until 10 weeks). The physical and emotional pain is immense and takes a very long time to even begin to ease.
A few years prior to this i was forced into a termination which i regret (now more than ever) so technically i am a mother of 3........or at least i should be
Waiting, as hard as it is, seems the best choice. That way you will be enjoy being able to give your precious little one the very best of everything you possibly can in setting a life up for it.
Please do not hesitate in getting in touch, it's nice to have friend who can relate to each other.
Take care & keep those memories locked away safely - cos no-one can ever take them away from uss xxx

 

[Loz75]

Peanut, your story does sound much like my own. Apparently my clot was caused by the edge of placenta folding under itself when it attached. The doctor said it could go either way, but unfortunately it went the way I wished it hadn't. I don't doubt I have plenty of time ahead of me, though I do worry about not being able to conceive when the time comes. I'm not entirely certain why I am so convinced that I am on the infertile side, it's just a feeling I've had for years. I suppose I am likely to be placing too much worry into the situation. I am quite pleased to hear that your pregnancy worked out so well despite the bleeding. My eldest sister bled through all of her pregnancies and has children to show for all five. I greatly appreciate your words and an terribly sorry to hear about your friend. Right now is just a battle between head and heart. Despite knowing that I do in fact have time and will have my baby when my time has come, my heart still aches for what could have, would have, should have been.

When you miscarry it is a fear that you cant have kids - I know I thought that and worried that I wouldnt be able to carry a bab full term but I was wrong. I was quoted 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage so unfortunately it is quite common and remember it is unusual to be infertile x

 

[cdejdemommy]

I'm so sorry for you loss.

Remember, there will always be a million and one reasons to "wait" until the "time is right" but truth be told? Babies don't operate on our time schedule. Babies also don't care if they have name brand clothes, designer cribs, expensive toys or a fancy house to live in - all they need is love and some nappies which really aren't THAT expensive especially if you use cloth ones. Breastfeeding saves lots and babies are amused by the simplest things so there's really no need to splurge on expensive toys. They don't need the latest V-Tech or Leapfrog equipment to stimulate them and interest them in reading - just make sure you read to them on a daily basis.

Now college savings is important but we still haven't really set anything aside for the kids yet but they are surrounded by love. They live in a happy, clean and safe home where they know that I will take care of them without fail... that's really all babies need.
Someone once told me:

"There will never be a right time to have your world turned upside down..."
and it's so true but its also much more than that. There's a secret hidden place in all of our hearts that is full of so much love its unimaginable and I truly believe that secret, hidden place isn't unlocked until you give birth to or adopt a child.

all of that being said, it is still a huge decision as it WILL change your life forever. I've also read "the decision to have a child is like deciding to let your heart go walking around outside of your body." And this is certainly the truest statement I could have ever read. Prepare yourself as much as you possibly can because you'll never be the same after your baby is born -- that's not a bad thing though - it's an amazing thing. Being a parent is an amazing journey but not one to be taken lightly.
If your boyfriend wants to wait, I see his point - but I also see yours.

I'm sorry this post probably didnt' help at all.

 

[FemmeFatal]

I don't even know what to say. I am truly at a loss for words.

If only I could get him to see things that way. There will never be a "right" time for us to have children, though I do agree that right now isn't the best time to try. He is so stubborn in the way he thinks. His thought process on relationships and family is so old fashioned. He wants to be able to provide for his family before he has children, which is an honorable intention but I'm not certain he'll ever feel he has reached the point he wishes to be at.

He wants to give his child the best that he can, but sometimes I think spoiling a child doesn't show love the way sacrifce does. I don't mean to say that there is anything wrong with being able to provide for your child and giving them all the things you couldn't if you have the means to, but if you don't have all the money in the world to give, giving at the expense of sacrificing somethng of your own says a lot, at least it does to me.

I do see his point, I really do and for this current moment I agree in our waiting, at least for a few more months until things get settled with us. At the same time I think his expectations and goals are a little unreasonable. It would be lovely to be able to have the things he wishes for us, but I'm not sure things will actually go that way. I don't want to wait in hopes of these things that may not come.

cdejdemommy, I can't put into words how your reply made me feel. No perhaps it didn't "help" per se, though I don't think there is anything to be said that can help. It was a great comfort and precisely that which I wish he would see. I don't think he fully understands how much this means to me. He too wants children, but the feeling is so much different from mine. Thank you, in my moments of weakness, this comfort you all offer is just what I need.

 

[cdejdemommy]

Well, I completely understand in the waiting and yes, perhaps it is more "logical" to do so. There's no magic potion that guarantees money will be there and you do have the responsibility of feeding and keeping a roof over your child's head! I know it's especially hard for my husband who takes pride in taking care of his family financially and physically... He works two jobs but still makes sure he's off of his second job 3 days a week to spend time with his family. Every night when he gets off work he brushes the boys' teeth and tucks them into bed before coming to cuddle with me.

He is the definition of sacrifice and I love him for that. I am perhaps, not the best person to give advice. We married when I was 19 and I had my first sweet baby when I was 20 and was the mother of 2 at 22 but I know I wouldn't change it for the world. We mostly live paycheck to paycheck but the boys are taken care of, they have everything they need and they also have plenty of toys and clothes, a variety of food and 2 parents that love them more than anything else in the world.

We both plan to continue our educations very soon even if we have to take turns with semesters or something - we're going to find a way but in the mean time, we know it's for our family and we know our family is the most important thing to us.

((HUGS)) You'll have your sweet baby in your arms in the exact moment that you were destined to - not a minute sooner or later

 

[FemmeFatal]

In the terms of logic, I suppose it is always more "logical" to wait. Unless one is born into money or happens to find a way to come into a large some of such, the most logical time doesn't seem to exist. Rather, it boils down to whether or not you'd be able to make due. Would the bills be paid, would you be able to maintain a place to stay, provide food and clothing? Though it may not be the best of anything, so long as the basic can be supplied I don't think much else matters.

Your husband sounds like the perfect father. And I wouldn't say you aren't the best person to give me advice. Quite honestly, I think you are in the best position to be giving me advice. I am nineteen, OH is twenty-four and we will be married within the next two or three weeks. We had originally intended to wait another while to marry but it is in our best interests to marry now and hold a wedding later. I've recently switched to a full time job and will be applying for insurance (amazing at that) through my company. By us marrying, I will be able to insure him as well as he is uninsured at the moment. We'll be able to share car insurance as well and make other things a lot easier.

He is a credit or two shy of his degree (which we hope he will be finishing very soon) and after attaining that he will be able to land himself a rather well paying job. My job transfer has landed me in the position to, in a matter of time, work my way into a pharmacy tech position which also pays on the better end of the scale. While doing that I am hoping to further my education to becoming a pharmacist (pending how I like being a tech) or an obstetric ultrasound technician.

I know and understand a child would severely affect these plans, but I am willing to work with that when the time comes. For now it's just a matter of waiting on OH and doing my best to convince him that we may be stable enough for parenthood a lot sooner than he may think we are.

 

[cdejdemommy]

It sounds like you both are thinking about this like adults and you both have a very good head on your shoulders.

My husband and I were young when we fell in love. I was 16 and he was 19. We knew within the first couple of months that we were made for each other. We were engaged just a little over a year after we started dating and we were married a year and a half after getting engaged. I had just turned 19 and he was 21. School bored David and he could never find a major that he truly enjoyed so he quit college after 2 years in. I got married 5 months after I graduated high school, with full intent to go to school but a serious of unfortunate events ON and after our wedding day led to a financial disaster just 2 months after we got married that made it impossible for us to afford college tuition at the time. That first year was truly the hardest. By the time we celebrated our first anniversary I was itching for a baby. I loved my husband so much and we had gotten back on our feet enough to know that we could take care of a baby. I didn't want to wait because me, I think with my heart, not my brain. I wasn't thinking about how a child would impact our day to day living, make it almost impossible for me to go to school, and I certainly didn't factor in that I would have hyperemesis gravidarum during my entire first 2 trimesters and half of my 3rd causing me to be forced to quit my GOOD paying job - I was spending all my time in the bathroom throwing up and my performance was way less than stellar.

So, in conclusion, that's why I feel I'm not the best to give you advice. I fell in love and decided getting married is what I wanted - decision made by the heart. I felt an empty tug in my soul a year after we got married and decided I wanted a baby - decision made by the heart. I do not regret the path my life took but I do wish I would have gotten my education. As of right now I'm so deeply in love with my family, my kids and my husband are my world and I want to add to my beautiful family - more than anything!

I am starting CNA school in a couple of weeks though and I plan on starting nursing school in January. Hopefully I'll be able to get a full year under my belt before Baby #3 makes his/her way into the world and I plan on going back to finish up my associates degree when baby #3 is 8 months old.
Sorry so long.

 

[jenigirl4]

I don't really have any useful advise either, but I wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss, losing a baby is very difficult! hang in there and be strong!!

 

[FemmeFatal]

I, in no way, feel that you are not the best to be giving me advice. From what you say it seems you have done nothing less than what the rest of us as women do. You followed your heart, though that trail was not silver lined and smoothly paved, you still followed your heart which is all one can really do. Head and heart wage the war they have since both came into existance, but it seems some of our deepest regrets come from not following ones heart. From my stand point, your decisions were in no way wrong. No matter what path we find ourselves on, there will always be "something" else that we wish we would have done. It is human nature, there will always be something more we want or wished we could have had.

It is my personal opinion that we as a society place too much emphasis on age in regards to love, marriage and family. In times long past, women my age and younger were already in love, married and had a little one or two running about and that was acceptable. As the times have passed it became more acceptable and eventually deemed propor to wait until an older age to do such things. Love is primal, it can be felt by anyone at any age with varying amounts of intensity. There is no determined age for one to fall in love, but the younger the age the less socially acceptable it is. People also seem to think that length of time determines whether or not one can be in love with another. Tony and I fell in love instantly. We're hoping to marry the 28th of this month, which is seven months to the day that we met.

Like you, we are getting married because we fell in love and decided this is what we want to do, a dicision also made by the heard. My decision to fall pregnant hopefully in the near future is also a decision made by the heart. Love, marriage and family are not decions to be made by the head, not to say that the head should not be considered in the matter. I don't feel it is right for anyone to get married just because "now is the right time in my life" nor should they have children just because "we can afford it". Both decisions should be made from the heart, out of love and desire, not simply practicality.

cdejdemommy, you have a plan and it is one that I admire.