Just found this "Infertility Etiquette"

[Miss_Awesome]

I've been getting the "just adopt from Brazil" from one friend and the other, who has racked up so much debt here at the age of 33 is planning to move to Aussie and start fresh keeps telling me "you'll find ways to be happy even without children".

I've just written an email to the brazil-is-the-answer gf with a Canadian link showing it costs on average $30-$40,000 to adopt a Brazilian child and told her that the reason we're doing IVF is we want children of our own. She took the email pretty hard and sent an email back telling me i was lashing out, that I've just reminded her that she's single and without a man to have children with and that she's going to go tell our other mutual single friend what I've said. Well friggen go on then, I was so gentle in the email and she was such a little twat, tell the world. I'm sick of people intervening and I have a right to my boundaries.

I don't know what to do so I wasn't even going to reply to her email. What would you do? I was so gentle to try not to offend in telling her thanks but no thanks (I've only been hearing about this stoooopid idea all Christmas). And then she lashes out telling me I'm lashing out. This is pretty typical for her and the reason why she's single. No one can tell her anything without getting their head bitten off.

I hate, hate, HATE(!) when people tell me to "just adopt" whether it be domestically or abroad. I want to shake them and scream at them that I'd rather they just say they're tired of me talking about my infertility and ask to change the subject than to give me such terrible advice. Really, that's all it is when they come up with those oh so brilliant suggestions to adopt. No one does their homework to see that adopting can be as expensive (if not more than when IVF actually works on the first go, lol) as IVF.

That, or they just don't care. We considered it for awhile, but people's opinion for and against drove me nuts. My own father told me adopting from abroad was a stupid idea when "so many kids in the US need homes. Shame on you!" Oh, I about lost it. I didn't meet him til' I was 25 and he'd taken off before I was ever born and never even bothered to take care of his own child, but there he was giving out adoption advice.

Anyways, it sounds like your friend is one of those people who can dish out advice or an opinion, but can't handle when someone dishes it right back out at her. If you were as gentle with her as you said you were, I'd just let it go or tell the other friend (or show her via Forwarding the message) what actually happened. If all else fails, just let the overly sensitive friend know you didn't mean to offend her, but wanted to make it perfectly clear as nicely as you could how you felt about her suggestions.

 

[2have4kids]

I'm going to do that perfectly clear bit in person or over the phone. I really was gentle with her but as she pointed out I didn't use any salutations and I was pretty neutral and to the point without any warm fuzzies-she didn't like that and she pointed out that it was meant to be humorous. I think humour is SOO important to feeling joy but it needs to be appropriate and not necessarily at someone's expense.

When she kept dishing the advice to adopt and on Christmas day I didn't feel warm fuzzies . I think our mutual friend is smart enough to understand exactly what happened-she was there. I'm confident enough when she tells her that I took offence and wrote her a nasty email (this will be her words) about not wanting to adopt that our friend will understand what my temperament (usually) was and how she reacted. She's highly reactive and I'm always shocked at her sharp tongue and never surprised when her relationships don't work out. Our mutual friend will completely understand what's happened and if she doesn't I'm not sure how much I care.

I guess I'm going to be the one who has to call and I'll give it a few weeks. Her birthday is coming up and then we have something that I've booked for us in Feb. If she still reacts badly when I speak to her I'm going to tell her to cool her jets because I don't need drama or stress in my life right now. She can decide weather she wants to be my friend by how she treats me. I've really got my life to where I've ousted people who don't treat me well and only let a small handful of people get close to me. I'm not putting up with shit anymore, I've had enough insecure, drama queen gfs for a lifetime.

 

[Miss_Awesome]

I'm going to do that perfectly clear bit in person or over the phone. I really was gentle with her but as she pointed out I didn't use any salutations and I was pretty neutral and to the point without any warm fuzzies-she didn't like that and she pointed out that it was meant to be humorous. I think humour is SOO important to feeling joy but it needs to be appropriate and not necessarily at someone's expense.

When she kept dishing the advice to adopt and on Christmas day I didn't feel warm fuzzies . I think our mutual friend is smart enough to understand exactly what happened-she was there. I'm confident enough when she tells her that I took offence and wrote her a nasty email (this will be her words) about not wanting to adopt that our friend will understand what my temperament (usually) was and how she reacted. She's highly reactive and I'm always shocked at her sharp tongue and never surprised when her relationships don't work out. Our mutual friend will completely understand what's happened and if she doesn't I'm not sure how much I care.

I guess I'm going to be the one who has to call and I'll give it a few weeks. Her birthday is coming up and then we have something that I've booked for us in Feb. If she still reacts badly when I speak to her I'm going to tell her to cool her jets because I don't need drama or stress in my life right now. She can decide weather she wants to be my friend by how she treats me. I've really got my life to where I've ousted people who don't treat me well and only let a small handful of people get close to me. I'm not putting up with shit anymore, I've had enough insecure, drama queen gfs for a lifetime.

I say that's a great plan. Maybe it's because tone is so hard to get across in an email or text that she's one of those people who's already sensitive (yet finds humor in telling someone to adopt, making them feel bad) and didn't understand what you were trying to tell her. Hopefully, when you talk to her again, she gets it, but you have absolutely no rush to make this better. She's the one who made you feel bad first and quite frankly, I hope she's not looking for any kind of apology. As you said, humor is intended to bring joy, not what she brought.

 

[purplesparkle]

Feel like sending this to everyone who thinks they are giving me good advice about TTC

 

[2have4kids]

I was tempted to send it to my friend who constantly tells me to adopt from Brazil. She's still not speaking to me although she did send me a half as$ed attempt at an apology. It was laced with nasty so it's hard to read the good aspects of it. I guess if this keeps going for us without success I'm going to bite the bullet and send this to all my lovely friends who are full of good advice. Why not, you teach people how you want to be treated right?
And for my friend who gave me a response of nasty + nice in apology to my asking her to please refrain from telling me in public and private to just adopt from Brazil, I'm going to tell her that I think she did her very best at an apology, I accept it and I've moved on. That way it gives her a little to think about. It's silly to still be angry over someone who's simply put out a boundary. We'll see how it goes.

 

[lilyV]

this is deep, thanks for posting!

I'd like to have the guys to throw this in my parents face... but I don't. Haven't even told them I've been trying for 2 years this May

 

[Chickensoup85]

I have sent this one to a couple of people, more to explain what it's like than a what not to say. I know a friend has found it really helpful. https://tertia.typepad.com/so_close/2004/05/how_to_be_good_.html

 

[pvsmith12]

I almost sent this to my MIL yesterday. I put on my FB status that Hubs & I hope everyone gets what they are praying for in 2013.. She comments and says she hopes so too but that means that Hub & I have to "get working on it". In March we will have reached 3 yrs of ttc... and she KNOWS that. The sad thing is that this isn't even the first time she's done something like that.

 

[2have4kids]

I almost sent this to my MIL yesterday. I put on my FB status that Hubs & I hope everyone gets what they are praying for in 2013.. She comments and says she hopes so too but that means that Hub & I have to "get working on it". In March we will have reached 3 yrs of ttc... and she KNOWS that. The sad thing is that this isn't even the first time she's done something like that.

Pooo on her, some people are so rude!

 

[Kimiw]

awesome post! I too wish I had the guts to post this on my facebook, but, I guess I just don't like to start drama lol. I have a friend who is pregnant and is posting weekly belly shots. I had a M/C in August 2012 (after 6 years of TTC) and I was about 7 weeks behind her so now that she is continuing on with her "oopsie" baby, it feels like such a slap in the face.