Just need support,feel so lost

[Bride2b]

Hi all

I cant believe I am posting on here. I lost my baby on Monday. I cant help but feel its all my fault. Infact I know it is. It was my first pregnancy and was 19 weeks 2 days. On sunday night I felt a bit of a tummy ache but nothing that I didnt think were growing pains. All day monday at work I had pains which came & went accompanied by spurts of back pain. I finished work early monday (thank god) and went home to go straight to bed but was so uncomfortable. I was getting major pains which were so unbareable. I tried to call my midwife but no answer, so I tried to phone the hospital, as I did I felt a pop and my waters broke. My fiance rushed home to take me in to hospital. I had lost so much fluid that there was nothing they could do, and just had to wait & see if labour started / infection / warned I may need to terminate.
Anyway later that evening the pains returned as I had my baby. I had no idea to expect this & everything seemed like I had to keep making decisions that I would regret, like to I want to see him, hold him, have a photo etc. I did hold him but felt that the midwife might think I was strange for wanting to. I didnt hold him as long as I really wanted. I touched and stroked him.

I have just felt so lost. I went back yesterday to take moulds of his hands and feet and fingers to have made into silver jewellery so I can have something that is his.

I have now done alot of reading and know for sure what caused it. I had the Leep procedure done on my cervix 2 years ago. They said I would have a 10% increased chance of early labour. I didnt realise what they would mean by early labour (i thought maybe 37 weeks) and at the time didnt ask questions as I was not thinking of starting a family then. I know this is what caused my labor.

I feel so stupid for going to work & not realising that they were contractions. I didnt want to take more time off work than I needed (as I always feel so guilty as I am a teacher and it puts pressure on my colleagues) I just wish I had got help, and maybe they could have stitched my cervix before it caused my waters to break & maybe given me something to stop the contractions.

I just feel all this could be avoided, and that my baby would still be growing inside me if I hadnt been so stupid. He should have been born healthy & I dont know how I can live with myself.

I just feel like I dont want to return to work as it was me going to work what caused this. I am scared that my doctor wont sign me off & that I will have to go back. I just cant cope with it.

Has anyone else felt like this? Will I ever feel better?

Sorry its so long but I need to explain & get some support .x

 

[mhazzab]

I'm so sorry you have had to seek us out here, but I'm so glad you found us.

Your story is very similar to mine, I delivered my twin daughters at 23 weeks in June. For a few days before I delivered, I had mild back pain, sometimes it came on really quick and made me catch my breath and double over, and I just wasn't feeling right. I had some increased discharge, kind of glob like (TMI sorry) which is finally what made me phone the hospital. When I went in, they didn't seem that concerned but then contractions started very quickly and it all went from there.

I'm telling you this, because, for a long time afterwards, I too blamed myself for this happening. I'd obviously been having mild contractions for days, but, I didn't know that's what they were. These were my first children, and I hadn't had any of the ante-natal classes, plus, I naively never really expected anything to go wrong, so how could I have known? (I can say that now, but at the time, I did blame myself for being so stupid)

I also spent a long time feeling guilty about decisions I made at the hospital, before and after the girls were born. But, that guilt did go away after a while, or at least fade so that I didn't think of it so much.

There are so many what if's that we will never know the answers to, unfortunately.

Please don't rush back to work...I took 20 weeks off (one of my little ones was born with a beating heart so I actually qualified for mat. leave) and have only just gone back to work, and even then, after all that time, it's been so hard.

Take the time to grieve, to help yourself work through what happened. At the end of the day, sadly you didn't take your baby home, but, you still gave birth and there are physical things to deal with after that, never mind all of the emotions we have to deal with as grieving parents.

So, I can honestly say for me, the thoughts and feelings you describe above, I could have written myself after losing my girls, but, slowly, my life has started to piece itself together again. I hope that gives you a little bit of hope. I'm always here for you, as are all the other girls, whatever you need xxx

 

[Andypanda6570]

I am just so sorry you are going through this. Please don't blame yourself it was NOT your fault and yes in time you will come to know it was not your fault. People hate when I say this but believe me time will become your best friend. You will get through this but I would be lying to say you will ever get over it, you never will. Sometimes my pain is so intense that I cry uncontrollably and then there are days I am ok. I lost my Ava at 20 weeks, I was set up for a D&E and I didn't know what that was and nobody told me, i just thought they were taking her out of me, well i came and googled what a D&E was and decided I was not going to do it so i refused to go to the hospital and gave birth to her in my home, she was not alive . We held her and buried her on 3/11/2011 I have 3 boys 20,17 and 11 and Ava was a complete accident, I got pregnant at 40, but I was overjoyed and then when I found out she was a girl i could not believe it . My Sister In Law also has 3 boys and was 8 weeks pregnant after I lost Ava she lost her baby 7 weeks later at 16 weeks, we could not believe we both lost our babies like this 7 weeks apart even the doctors were in shock. It has been a hard year 2011...cry: When I lost her that day I lost myself also. I go on for my boys but it is hard and I think of her so much and all the could have beens, she would have been 4 months
We get through this, I don't know how but we do and you will also, not your heart will always have something missing and you will never forget, but I promise you things will get better and you will get stronger in time.
From my heart I am so deeply sorry, i wish you all the best and if you ever need me or any of us we are always here, all my love, Andrea

 

[Hellylou]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

It is very early days for you, you are still in shock, and you have a lot of healing to do ahead of you, both physically and emotionally, and this takes a long time. I know you are thinking practically at the moment, trying to plan things like work, and find answers. Please do not blame yourself. I know how easy that is to do, especially at the moment. What happened was out of your control, remember that. It is very important that you don't blame yourself. We have all been there, and we know how much each and every one of us would have done anything we could to prevent what happened.

Your doctor will sign you off, don't worry about that. He/she will most likely give you as long as you need, and all you need to do if you need more time is just say. They are pretty understanding when someone goes through something as terrible as this. It is a dreadful thing that has happened to you, and you must be very gentle on yourself in these tough weeks and months ahead.

We are all here for you on this journey, although we are so sorry you have had to come to this section of the forum. There are some fantastic ladies in here though, and if it wasn't for this section of the forum I think I would have been completely lost in my grief. We're here for you on the bad days and the better ones, and trust me, there will be better ones ahead.

 

[Nikki_d72]

I'm so so sorry for your loss. It brings back so many memories for me, I could have written a lot of it. The only difference for me was that my waters broke 1st and contractions didn't start until later (6 days). I've just read your original thread and it was heartbraking to read, I remember all to well those feelings of hope and fear and shock. I'm so sorry you have had to have this happen to you.

There's a few things you need to know - firstly that none of this is your fault, even though it may take a long time for you to allow yourself to believe that. Secondly, and this is really cruel- but before 24 weeks the Obstetricians will rarely do anything to stop active labour, so even if you had got help sooner, they more than likely would have been unable/unwilling to stop it. They won't fit an emergency cerclage once the waters have broken - I know this because I was begging them to do one. Thirdly - labour pains this early do not feel like normal labour pains, or anything we would expect/have read about etc etc so please don't blame yourself for that either. I was in labour for hours and didn't recognise it even though by then I was looking out for it and I've laboured before with a fulltermer. (there was an elemant of denial there too but that's another story - but they weren't at all what you'd expect labour pains to be and no tightening across my tummy.) I could go on and on but the point is, there is no way you could have known what was happening to you.

Things are so raw for you and I know that awful bewilderment that comes with this shocking loss, honey, I so feel for you, I wish I could wrap you up but I can't. You do have a lot of emotional and physical healing to do and it will take time, don't be afraid to take all the time you need, don't feel guilty, your colleagues will manage and understand. I took 6 weeks off work and it still wasn't enough really, so I've ended up hating my job.

I know what it's like to be scouring the internet for answers as well, I hope you get some answers at your follow-up. If not exact causes of your loss, then at least a plan for what will be done next time, if you feel you want a next time, you may not at the moment and be prepared to change your mind with the wind an pretty much everything.

Did your milk come in? If not, it may. No-one warned me about that and it was quite a shock, I didn't think that would happen with such an early delivery but it can. If it does, feel free to ask any questions you have about it.

We will be here for you whenever you need us, please don't be afraid to ask anything. It will seem like you will never get through this but in time you will, with help. You will never quite be the same, but you will be able to grow and live , albeit with a different perspective on life.

I'm glad you got to take time with your little angel, afterwards it never seems like enough. I'm glad you got casts of the hand and feet, that's a lovely idea. Jewellery can be made from etching prints on to silver too.

Dont worry about what anyone else thinks and the MW would have not thought it strange at all that you wanted to be with your baby, they unfortunately see this quite a lot in their job and know everyone wants different things, there's no wrong or right. I was actually thinking of re-training as a midwife until I saw what they had to do, delivering little babies like ours and I don't think I'd be strong enough to keep it together for the ladies going through it so I changed my mind.

My thoughts are genuinely with you at this terrible time. I hope we can help you heal a little here, though I know nothing we can say really changes anything it can help you understand your emotions and know that you aren't mad, we all have crazy days and thoughts that would seem out there to anyone who hasn't been on this awful journey.

All my love to you and your little angel xxx

 

[mpg1502]

Oh darling, I am so so very sorry for your loss. But it is absolutely not your fault. You are in shock and you need to take time to heal yourself and your heart. Don't rush into doing anything you don't want to. My heart absolutely breaks for you. The girls on here that have been through a similar experience to you will be your greatest help. They will have been through all the emotions and turmoil you will be feeling. But it really is important that you know that it is not your fault.

You cannot possibly have known what was going to happen and what those pains were. I went into labour at 23 weeks, I had absolutely no idea and had I not just happened to have a routine scan the next morning I would probably have been in your situation too. I had absolutely no idea that the pains I was having were not Braxton or just ordinary stretching and tightenings.

Please please give yourself time to grieve, I just want to give you the most enormous hug and make things better for you. Although it doesn't seem like it right now, you will get through this. Your friends, your family and this forum will be there to help you.

Our thoughts are with you sweetheart, m xxx

 

[Bride2b]

Thanks ladies,it's really helpful to chat & read then reread what others have said in response to my earlier post. Friends have been great but none of them have lost a baby this late in pregnancy & others probably dont realise that u have to go through labour & birth. I think some people we know forget that I was 19 weeks along as I literally had no bump...I could see it with my clothes off but I am a very small person & my colleagues at work didn't even know I was pregnant. Sounds odd but I was too scared to tell people incase something like this happened!

I do now have milk,after I went back to the hospital yesterday and saw Bertie I noticed by boobs had gone hard. This morning I felt & looked like Katie Prices surgeon had got his hands on me....I barely fill a AA cup usually but they r huge now! They didn't tell me about what to do, my friend brought me round some breast pads but not really that sure what to do or how long this lasts.....any ideas?

I also hadn't really given much thought to the physical side of this,I mentioned to my friend about going back to the gym after next week....she nearly had a heart attack & explained that if I had given birth & my baby was here would I go rushing back to the gym after 2 weeks.....she is right!i just hadn't given much thought to what my body has been through.

I feel totally exhausted!

I really appreciate everyone advice as I really don't know what to expect with what comes next xxx

 

[Nikki_d72]

Hi hon, I think the most importanat thing about the milk is try not to squeeze any off or your breasts will make more and it will go on forever. It's hard not to do that when they get all engorged and sore I know. Hot showers helped me get rid of the engorgement but even too much of that can stimulate more milk. For what it's worth it only lasted a couple of weeks for me but it was damn sore at first, Paracetamol was good for the pain. I think there is something they can give you to dry it up, I was never offered but I've seen others say they got it, it might be worth asking about if you want to get rid of it quicker. A friend of mine gave me the homeopathic remedy belladonna, which cleared the engorgement but I felt like it caused my boobs to let down even more frequently and made things worse in that sense so I only took it for one day. The breast pads just pop inside your bra and will soak up the inevitable leaks. You probably don't have a bra to fit you now though, do you? I had to wear one of my old nursing bras and I'm not a big boobed girl either. Do you have a stretchy sports bra or something that you could wear for now? Even just a tight t-shirt to keep the pads in place and keep you comfy would do, I think that's what I resorted to after a while as even my nursing bra hurt me. If you can try to keep changing the pads they will keep your nips dry as otherwise they can get all sore.

As for the gym, I think you need to follow the usual post-partum advice, I can't really remember it all but I think 6 weeks was the usual time to wait.

Don't be too hard on yourself hun and don't try to be superwoman, getting back to everything straight away. Unless you feel it will help you to do that, we are all different. Just don't bury your feelings too much or they have a habit of getting you back later...

Is Bertie what you have named your wee man? Cute name.

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending how you look at it) not many have been through a late loss so don't understand the physical or emotional side of it too well. That's where we come in, we've all been through variations of the same thing, so we know what you are going through and all the horrid practicalities you have to deal with. Ask anything.


xxx

 

[winterwonder]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my little boy at about the same gestation as yours, please try not to blame yourself, i know its hard not too, I still blame myself when i have bad days, but you have come to the right place and i'm ure you will find lots of support here. xxx

 

[mhazzab]

Just a quick message to say I was offered a tiny tablet before I left the hospital to stop my milk coming in and it worked perfectly, nothing came through at all and there was no pain.
I can't imagine having to deal with that too, just a very cruel reminder of what has happened.
Is it worth giving your midwife / doctor / hospital a phone to ask for this ASAP? Xxx

 

[Bride2b]

I am going to go to my doctors on Monday to be signed off from work until Christmas and to also ask for something to help dry up the milk. Hopefully that should sort things out & help settle the hormones.

Sounds weird but 3 years ago in November we rehomed a husky....little did we know she was expecting. The poor thing ended up giving birth on the lounge floor the day before News Years Even (to my shock!!) for several factors including that she was probably impregnated by her own brother she lost all her pups. The poor thing was distraught but the vet gave her medication to dry up her milk & help her hormones return to normal. I now know how she must of felt! x

 

[MummyStobe]

I'm so so sorry for your loss and that you have found yourself here. It breaks my heart everytime I read a new loss story and we have to welcome someone else here.

We will all do anything we can to help you through this difficult time. Everyone here is amazing and have been my lifeline since I lost my son in August. I was 19+5 weeks so a very similar gestation to you. I hope you get as much comfort and support here as I have.

I know the others have already said this but what happened was in no way your fault, please don't blame yourself. You will have so much grief, which will probably include guilt, to deal with as it is so please don't burden yourself with extra pressure by blaming yourself.

I have also had a loop biopsy carried out in 2009 and my consultant hasn't been able to confirm if that was the reason for my loss. She said that she has seen women who have had no previous treatment to their cervix lose their babies in the exact same way that I did. She has however confirmed that I'll have scans of my cervix after 14 weeks in future pregnancies to check the length of my cervix. It is reassuring to know they'll do what they can in future to try to avoid this happening again.

Sending massive hugs to you you are in my thoughts.

Fly high little angel xx

 

[Bride2b]

I'm so so sorry for your loss and that you have found yourself here. It breaks my heart everytime I read a new loss story and we have to welcome someone else here.

We will all do anything we can to help you through this difficult time. Everyone here is amazing and have been my lifeline since I lost my son in August. I was 19+5 weeks so a very similar gestation to you. I hope you get as much comfort and support here as I have.

I know the others have already said this but what happened was in no way your fault, please don't blame yourself. You will have so much grief, which will probably include guilt, to deal with as it is so please don't burden yourself with extra pressure by blaming yourself.

I have also had a loop biopsy carried out in 2009 and my consultant hasn't been able to confirm if that was the reason for my loss. She said that she has seen women who have had no previous treatment to their cervix lose their babies in the exact same way that I did. She has however confirmed that I'll have scans of my cervix after 14 weeks in future pregnancies to check the length of my cervix. It is reassuring to know they'll do what they can in future to try to avoid this happening again.

Sending massive hugs to you you are in my thoughts.

Fly high little angel xx

Thanks for your kind words. I am sad that so many others have been through this...and until a few days ago never even gave this a thought. It makes you so much more aware & realise how lucky some are when they just appear to sail through their pregnancies.

I hope you dont mind me asking but have they suggested a cervical cerclage for the next pregnancy?
This is something I am going to ask my doctor about, as I want one regardless of whether they find a cause or not next time. I know that they wont find an infection or anything wrong with my baby, I am 100,000 % sure that my bloody cervix is crap!
A friend of mine knows someone who also had the leep procedure & they put a stitch in for her 1st pregnancy (not sure the ins and outs) but talking to my friend yesterday she was surprised I wasnt spoken to about it, when someone else who was treated at the same hospital did. As I say her situation may have been different & there may have been a reason they did it for her.

How often did they say they will scan to measure the cervix next time? I hope you dont mind me asking but I started compiling a load of questions yesterday that I want to ask.....so many things keep floating about in my head!

Thanks in advance xxx

 

[MummyStobe]

I hope you dont mind me asking but have they suggested a cervical cerclage for the next pregnancy?
This is something I am going to ask my doctor about, as I want one regardless of whether they find a cause or not next time. I know that they wont find an infection or anything wrong with my baby, I am 100,000 % sure that my bloody cervix is crap!
A friend of mine knows someone who also had the leep procedure & they put a stitch in for her 1st pregnancy (not sure the ins and outs) but talking to my friend yesterday she was surprised I wasnt spoken to about it, when someone else who was treated at the same hospital did. As I say her situation may have been different & there may have been a reason they did it for her.

How often did they say they will scan to measure the cervix next time? I hope you dont mind me asking but I started compiling a load of questions yesterday that I want to ask.....so many things keep floating about in my head!

Thanks in advance xxx

I don't mind you asking at all, if my experiences can help you in anyway then I'm pleased to be able to help you.

My consultant told me that cervical scans aren't done as standard unless there is a reason for them to do so. They normally do them around 16 weeks but because that is when I started bleeding with Max she will probably start them around 13/14 weeks. They won't do them before 12 weeks because there is (sadly) always the chance of early miscarriage with any pregnancy. I got the impression that it is something they will monitor over a period of time, with more regular scans if the cervix appears to be getting shorter. She did mention if the scans show a weak cervix then we could discuss the option of having a stitch put in but we didn't go in to many details about it at my follow up, it was left as "we'll cross that bridge if we come to it". The one thing that she did say about it is that as with any procedure it does come with its own risks so I'm not sure if it is something they would do unless they needed to.

Did your friend's friend have the leep or the cone biopsy? My understanding is that generally the leep procedure isn't particularly invasive but the cone biopsy is and can go quite deep. I think most people who have a leep do go on to have problem free pregnancies. I have met another girl on here who had also had the leep procedure (it's the reason we got chatting actually) and her due date was the same as mine. She has had an uneventful pregnancy so far and is due on NYE. The only warning she was given is that she may not dilate properly during labour and may have to have an emergency c section.

One other piece of advice I'd give you is don't be afraid to go to your follow up appointment with your 'shopping list' of questions. And write them down as you think of them. I would often think of things that I wanted to ask but would forget them before I wrote them down.

Hope this has helped xx

 

[OliveBay]

Hi Bride2b, just wanted to say how sorry i was to read your story. I lost my little boy at 22 weeks in September, with no cause found - I noticed he hadn't moved for a day or two and when I had a scan to check he just had no heartbeat.

I found it so painful when my milk came in and had two nights when i didn't sleep a wink because of the pain. I found that having a nice deep hot bath helped to relieve some of the pain and pressure as it allowed a bit of the milk to leak out but you're not expressing it and stimulating more milk to be produced. I also found that wearing a really tight sports bra helped. I definitely felt like I'd had a boob job or something, they were just massive and so painful!! (now they feel so disappointingly small and pathetic, although my hubby says they're just back to normal!) I hope you manage to get through the next few days without too much discomfort. Its such a cruel thing for our bodies to do to us in these sad circumstances

I'm sure your doctor will sign you off work for as long as you need. I'm back at work now and maybe I should have stayed off a while longer in hindsight. Just ask for as long as you need, as my doctor didn't offer any suggestions or advice as to how long I should be off, which I found really annoying (how are we supposed to know how long its going to take us to feel better?!)

 

[tummymummy]

im so sorry for your loss hun big hugs to you and your partner xxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Bride2b]

"My consultant told me that cervical scans aren't done as standard unless there is a reason for them to do so. They normally do them around 16 weeks but because that is when I started bleeding with Max she will probably start them around 13/14 weeks. They won't do them before 12 weeks because there is (sadly) always the chance of early miscarriage with any pregnancy. I got the impression that it is something they will monitor over a period of time, with more regular scans if the cervix appears to be getting shorter. She did mention if the scans show a weak cervix then we could discuss the option of having a stitch put in but we didn't go in to many details about it at my follow up, it was left as "we'll cross that bridge if we come to it". The one thing that she did say about it is that as with any procedure it does come with its own risks so I'm not sure if it is something they would do unless they needed to.

Did your friend's friend have the leep or the cone biopsy? My understanding is that generally the leep procedure isn't particularly invasive but the cone biopsy is and can go quite deep. I think most people who have a leep do go on to have problem free pregnancies. I have met another girl on here who had also had the leep procedure (it's the reason we got chatting actually) and her due date was the same as mine. She has had an uneventful pregnancy so far and is due on NYE. The only warning she was given is that she may not dilate properly during labour and may have to have an emergency c section.

One other piece of advice I'd give you is don't be afraid to go to your follow up appointment with your 'shopping list' of questions. And write them down as you think of them. I would often think of things that I wanted to ask but would forget them before I wrote them down.

Hope this has helped xx[/QUOTE]"

I fully intend to go with a shopping list of questions....just seems like ages until I can ask anything, and between we have Christmas and NY, which all seems surreal.

Thanks all that have replied since my last visit, it really helps knowing that life continues & that there is a way of coping with our losses.

I just have one question, that is how long did you have to wait for the funeral? It is a week tomorrow since this all happened to us, and I thought we would have heard by now from the chaplain. We are not having a post mortum as they said they rarely find a cause (and as I say I know my baby was ok), so its not like that is going to hold things up. I am dreading it and I cant even bring myself to think about the actual day...I just want it over with!

x

 

[mhazzab]

I'm glad it has helped you speaking to others on here

We held the funeral for our daughters eight days after they were born, the PM was carried out within that time too.
I think each hospital is different though, perhaps you should check in with the chaplain to see what the delay is?

If its any comfort, for me the run-up to the funeral was the worst. We invited close family and close friends, about 20 people in total and it was very comforting on the day to have them there grieving for our daughters, it made us feel like they really did exist and mattered.

Xx

 

[Bride2b]

Thanks for that, maybe I will get a call tomorrow afternoon if I havent heard anything. It might be because it may have been too soon for them to call on Friday.

I just cant even begin to imagine what attending your own babys funeral will be like. Its not something that ever even crossed my mind, I just have no idea how I am going to cope. I dont think I want anyone else there...I just feel he was ours & no one else knew him, and I dont want people comforting me, or to see others upset as he was ours. Is this normal?

x

 

[mhazzab]

attending your baby's funeral is something we should never have to do...

we thought for a long time about whether to just do it ourselves or not, but, our parents and some close friends were so upset for us that we wanted to include them. I originally thought that it should be just us, I couldn't see how anyone else could be upset like we were, nobody else knew them. In the end, we 'invited' only those people who we believed would have played a big part in our daughters' lives. I feel it was the right thing for us.

A friend of mine is a humanist celebrant, (she married us and performed the funeral for both my parents) and she performed a beautiful service. it was very short, but just perfect, we are not religious so this was just the right way for us to do it.

A few days afterwards, me and my husband scattered their ashes in the garden of remembrance, and dedicated a rose to them.

there is no right or wrong in this situation and you can chose to do whatever you feel is the right thing for you and your partner. It's a horrible situation to be in, but just do whatever feels comfortable to you both.
xx