Just need to vent. Kind of fed up with FIL.

[starshinebby]

Just need to vent, really.

Ever since my OH's father cause a drunk scene with both me and OH, I haven't felt comfortable around him. He said some pretty nasty things towards both of us, even going so far as to tell OH not to bring me around anymore because "you know why" whatever that means. (OH and I can't figure it out, though there have been some comments from FIL about hoping our son comes out with blonde hair and blue eyes. But obviously I'm part African American making that an unlikely outcome, not impossible, just very unlikely.)

Anyway, since then he hasn't apologized about what he said or that he beat up my OH. It's kind of got pushed aside, and although I want (and deserve) an apology, OH said that it's not going to happen so I shouldn't hold my breath waiting for it. So I've tired to be as civil as possible, but obviously I can't just shake the uncomfortable feeling I get when around his father.

Recently, him and his dad helped me and my family move into a bigger house. While in the process of moving, his dad needed to borrow some money to pay for car insurance ($200). Now we have never borrowed money from his family. Never asked for it, and never will. We gave him what he needed from our savings, which was about all the savings we had left after buying some things for our son. No problem.

Now his dad offered to clean the carpets of the old house for my family for $200 and was going to use it to pay us back. Again, that was fine. Well my family is struggling just as they are and between the move and expenses, they can't pay us right away which is fine and we understand. It's just going to go back into savings and I know my family won't screw us over and not give us the money.

After settling that, his Dad asks to borrow another $100 to hold him over until he gets paid. Not wanting to completely deplete all our savings I agreed to let him have $80. He's supposed to be paying us back tomorrow when we go over to watch the Super Bowl, but now he wants us to use that money to buy the food for a party he invited us to.

This upsets me and makes me not even want to go. All the money is supposed to go back into savings as we need to buy a new car soon and it feels as though we're providing for the whole party (I refuse to buy the alcohol as I'm not drinking so why should we buy everyone's alcohol?) OH thinks I'm being unreasonable not wanting to go. But knowing there's going to be drinking involved and that we're being asked to buy the majority of the food for a party we're invited to seems ridiculous, especially after we just let him borrow $280!

I don't know.. I'm just not looking forward to being over at OH's family's house. Whenever I'm quite (like I usual am) people get offended and say I have an attitude when it's just that I don't feel welcomed or comfortable there anymore. I know it's going to start some kind of argument, but honestly I'm too tired to fake anything. I'm pregnant, tired, have college and other things to worry about, I could really careless if they think I have an attitude or not because I'm too tired to fake being excited about football (which I don't care for anyway). I just see it as time that I could have spent doing homework and studying.

Collectively, all these things make me want to just stay home. It might not have been so bad if FIL hadn't asked us to buy the food. Going out the day before or the day of Super Bowl is so chaotic, it just adds to my stress. And knowing that no matter what I do, they'll assume I have an attitude about something just makes me even less willing to go.


Sorry for the novel. I'm just so stressed and want to cry. I feel as though no one understands where I'm coming from with this, especially OH. I mean, I can tell that it's mostly stress and my hormonal state that is making me like this, but I don't see why that's not a good reason to take what I'm saying into serious consideration.

Any advice would be helpful. I feel like crap. :/

 

[jojo_b]

God I don't have any advice, but he sounds vile. Huge hugs

 

[starshinebby]

Thank you.

And yeah, he has his moments where he's okay but for the most part it's his way or no way. And if I'm even the least bit not interested in hanging out (if I'm not feeling well or just want to be alone) I'm giving him an attitude.

It looks like I am going over there, but I'll be leaving as soon as anything gets a little out of hand. I'm almost 7 months pregnant and I don't need to be stressed out at all because of OH's family.

It doesn't help knowing that they were very much against us having a child and wanted nothing to do with either of us in the beginning. They said not to ask them for anything and that they would not be helping us at all. Now they've flipped and it just seems fake to me... :/

 

[Conundrum]

I am so sorry to hear about the situation. Honestly I have no real advice but to say that if you do not want to go- do not. Do not let them stress you or your LO out just for the sake of a football game. You are pregnant, you get tired and have every single excuse not to go. If you DH tries to pressure you further, give his rear a swift kick, he should not want you in another situation that involves alcohol and his father anyway. If you need to vent hun, feel free to contact me at any time.

 

[lj2245]

He wants to use your $80 to buy food for the party? I don't think so! Why should you pay for everyone elses food and drink? Tell him to give you your $80 back and you will just bring your own food and drink, or a contribution towards the food and drink (which is customary and completely acceptable). It seems to me like he's treating you like a cash cow, taking money from you and making it clear he won't pay you back so you need to accept his demands.

No. $200 to clean carpets in a house is ridiculous.

Get your money back and don't lend him anything again.

 

[cherrylee]

It sounds like you are in te right. I don't really have any advice but maybe your hubby can tell his family you have to study. It's rude FiL even suggested you use your money to buy food for a party they are hosting. I hope today is okay for you. HUGS

 

[starshinebby]

Whelp, everything went fine throughout the game. There was beer and alcohol, they we're taking shots for each touchdown the Niners got. But like I said, everything was fine until after the game.

There was a misunderstanding between OH's Dad and step-sister (age 21) where she invited her friend over for a bit without running it by their Dad. He flipped out, even though it wasn't a big deal and she even told her friend not to come and that she'd try to see him later. His step-sister lives out of town and only sometimes sees this friend when she comes to visit, he's also moving to Vermont in a month so after that she probably won't see him again.

Anyway, she told him not to come and we thought everything would be fine after that. Of course it wasn't. OH's Dad went to go wake up his step-mom (who had been drinking with everyone else but got sick and had to go lay down) to bring her into the mess. Things got bad, they were all yelling and it was just awful. People stormed out, his Dad drove away drunk and everything was going down hill. He eventually came back and OH was able to calm things down enough so that we could go home.

From this one misunderstanding, lots of problems came up between OH's Dad and step-mom. They aren't doing too well in their marriage and money plays a big part in it. His Dad only works one day a week while his step-mom works almost all the time as a nurse. They both bring in about the same amount but they're still living paycheck to paycheck which puts a huge strain on their relationship. He isn't making an effort to find another job, and his drinking is another problem that just adds to it.

It seems like they might be heading for a divorce now, like they have been for the past few years. But it's all very stressful to have this come up out of seemingly nowhere from a problem that had nothing to do with that topic.

I feel bad for his younger step-sisters (ages 16 and 18) who were witness to all of this. The stress of being there actually hurt me physically, I started getting these cramps in what I suppose is my lower right and left sides of my uterus and also on the top of it. I'm still experiencing some pain in my side, I don't think anything is seriously wrong though.

After the events that took place tonight, I really do not want our son around OH's Dad. I don't even want to invite him to our baby shower for fear that something like this will happen. There's going to be absolutely no alcohol at the baby shower, but I wouldn't put it pass his Dad to not make some sort of a scene. His step-mom and step-sisters, however, are more than welcome to come. They haven't done anything wrong to me and I don't see the point in punishing them when they are excited about having their first nephew.

I guess I will wait to bring this up to OH, but my mind is set on not going over to their house any time soon and to limit contact with his Dad.

I knew something like this would happen. It always does, without fail. If his Dad doesn't get his shit together, he will not be playing a big part in our son's life or ours.

I don't really expect any advice for this, it's really just another rant as OH is still pretty upset about what's happened and I need a place to get this off my chest without it being publicly posted such as on Facebook. So thank you, ladies, for just letting me get this out there. It's really helpful to be able to have a place to just rant and vent without being judged or having to worry about family and friends reading and questioning things.

Thanks again. You all are wonderful.

 

[cherrylee]

Oh hugs hun!

I have also decided to limit my MILs contact with myself and my children as she like to take the simplest things and turn them into BS and drama, like she likes to talk shit or something!

Good luck to you in your situation,

 

[starshinebby]

Thank you so much. I'm sure that is what I have to do now. I've given him too many chances and now I have to stand up for myself an our son. I cannot allow our son to be around behavior like OH's FIL. OH is stuck on thinking it is his responsibility to fix his father and keep everything together, but by doing so he has put himself at risk of possibly being arrested (he drove after his father last night even though he had been drinking, no idea how they thought that would solve anything). And I something happens to my OH because he feels obligated to fix his father's mistakes, I could never forgive his family. They need to fix their own problems and stop bringing my OH back into them.

Im beyond stressed now over problems that don't concern me because OH is dealing with them which takes away from our own family..

 

[CAStafford]

I really hope you resolve this problem soon. You deserve to relax and not worry about so much. I think I would refuse to go too. I don't think it's unrealistic to think about your babies health and your own as well. A lot of women put family first myself included. But now that I'm pregnant.. I have my husband help out a lot more. I can't even pretend to know what to say in a situation like this.. And I hope you find a solution, and are able to breathe easy.

 

[starshinebby]

Thank you. I did end up going, and shit hit the fan like always. Apparently FIL is trying to find another job now. Right now he only works one day a week and thinks that because he still brings home more than his wife does that's good enough even though they live paycheck to paycheck and have to borrow money from us sometimes, which obviously isn't fair since I'm going to school and OH is the only one working (we do live with my family which helps a lot).

But yeah, he has yet to apologize (not holding my breath for that) but if things don't get fixed between FIL and MIL, FIL is not going to be invited to the baby shower as I'd rather not invite him and have MIL and her three girls come instead.

Just sucks that I have to basically try to have OH understand that he can't be the one to fix their problem. That's their problem, not ours. We have enough on our plate and it's not fair to us to have to deal with this as well.