Just so... hurt and confused

[KyliesMommie]

I'm not on here very often but, love the words of wisdom I get when I do post here so, hoping to get some tonight...

My boyfriend (18yr, I'm 17) through the whole pregnancy has been drinking and smoking and hanging out with friends, pushes me around, swears at me, flirts with other girls, doesn't go to work when he's supposed to (his parents own his work), and he's barely walking in graduation because he has so many detentions (56 hours) that he has to serve.

What do I do...?
He says I'm over reacting, that I'm the main problem because I'm a b*tch 24/7 and I always blame him but... he is the one to blame. Or maybe I really am?
I'm just so tired of giving him chance after chance to make himself better for our baby and our relationship in general just to have him choose drinking over work or even me again. Then when he's mad, he gets pushy and agressive but, hasn't really hit me so I don't know.

Then today, he went fishing with his friends and caught tiny bluegill and they (being the low life friends they are) decided to cook the fish.... I'm fine with that but, what scared me is that the one fish got away on the ground and was difficult to pick up and he just raised his foot and jumped on it like it was a leaf... It really scared me. This is the guy I'm supposed to leave my daughter with? I don't think so...

Someone, please help. I just need some advice... Sorry for the novel.

 

[Mrs.Mcguin]

Ugh. I have been in those relationships. He won't change...not even for you or the baby. I know this is not what you want to hear but I can hear it in your words that deep down, you know this is true and that you know what needs to be done. And for the record...don't EVER let him make you feel like his behaviour is your fault! You are not overreacting...you are being smart.

You are a smart girl...I can tell. You just made a bad judgement on a guy. You will make the right decision when the time is right

 

[KyliesMommie]

I know your right, it's just so hard to just leave. It's like I wasn't good enough for him to change for.

I've left him a few times and he's always promised to change, was nice for a bit, then went back to his asshole self. I just am so hurt and I don't want to put my baby through what my mom put me through with my dad (apparently he was exactly like my boyfriend and then turned into a full blown alcoholic)

 

[spunky84]

Then when he's mad, he gets pushy and agressive but, hasn't really hit me so I don't know.

Even if he "hasn't really hit you", this still sounds like red flags, especially with a baby on the way! Honestly, he doesn't sound mature enough and sounds like has a lot of growing up to do.

I think what it really comes down to is what is going to be best (and safe!) for you and your daughter.

I think you questioning leaving your daughter with him is your answer. If you have to ask yourself that & respond with I don't think so, then something is wrong. You shouldn't have to ask yourself these sorts of things & when you ask yourself these sorts of things, you shouldn't have to answer that with I don't think so.

 

[iwantabub]

If u have to ask the question then u already know the answer!!!!

I have never once questioned dh with me or the kids... And nor should u have to!

Sorry but I think u know the right answer

Goodluck

 

[Mrs.Mcguin]

The harsh reality is...you are not worth changing for Because to a guy like that...nothing is!
I've been in your shoes...I've dated "that" guy you just described many times in my life. You so badly want to believe you are worth it...or that there is something you can do to change him to make him a better person. It just won't happen.

It took me many heartbreaks to learn this but believe me, when you do learn this and finally move on from that type of guy...you will find the most amazing guy that will treat you just the way you deserve..and the best part is, he will already know how to treat a girl, you won't have to teach him

 

[spunky84]

I know your right, it's just so hard to just leave.

It can be hard to leave. I stayed in a toxic relationship before because it was hard to leave.

But with a baby involved, it's something that has to be in her best interest. It's not just your life that is affected by his behavior and abuse. It's not going to make it any easier by any means, but it makes it even more important.

People like that, it's their story all the time. That they'll change. It's just another way to rope you back in. Some may mean it; for others, it's manipulation. They have to want to change for themselves, not to get you back. If you and your daughter are important, he will let you go; and if he truly wants you back & wants to change, he will have to do so on his own. But chances are, he probably won't & I'd hate to see you and your daughter keep getting roped into his destructive choices.

 

[KyliesMommie]

It's just going to be very hard and very stressful for me... Maybe staying with him until Kylie (daughter) is born, then focusing on taking care of her will help? At this point, I think staying hurts more than leaving. Scared though because, he has bought me a tin (chewing tobacco... I know it's bad but, my stress got so high and I stopped for so long and needed it... I feel so bad for getting back to it again and am trying to stop) and he has the texts to prove it. If I go for custody or supervised visitation for him, could he use this against me and win?

 

[Mrs.Mcguin]

No..he can't. If he tries to use that...don't believe it for a second.

 

[spunky84]

No offense, but staying with him until your daughter is born is an excuse to let him keep abusing you & sucking you into his bad life decisions. After your daughter is born, it'll probably make it even more difficult for you to leave. The exhaustion of having a newborn & also having to end a relationship?

Do you have a support system with your family? How do they feel about him?

Is there anyway you can stay with them? That they'll help you once your daughter is born? I really feel like you should get a strong support system in place now & cut ties with this guy now so that you can put your energy into you and your daughter; so you can focus on the life you want to create for the two of you.

As far as the chewing tobacco goes, I can't imagine that would cause you to lose your daughter in a custody battle. I remember you posting about this before, and I think the responses you got regarding a legal battle were very good. If anything, if you haven't already, start keeping a paper trail & document everything that you can.

Don't let the worry of a custody battle keep you with him. Otherwise, he is still winning.

 

[KyliesMommie]

He saying between that and the fact that I was in a rehab facility (behavioral health, for depression and suicidal thoughts) 2 years ago, that he could get full custody because his parents will get a great attorney. I'm totally okay now and happier than ever due to my little one, just bought a 2013 Camry and had my basement at my mom's house turned into like a mini apartment for me and Kylie. So, financially I am doing way better than him but, that's not all that goes into it and I know that. I'm just overwhelmed and scared. I don't want him to get any type of custody that says I have to leave her with him without me or my family there with them... He's the type that will leave her crying as an infant because he thinks attention is why she cries. He also has been invited to many parenting classes and lamaze but, chooses not to go because "it's a waste of time"

 

[KyliesMommie]

I have an awesome support system, my mom and grandparents are helping me through everything. I do live with my mom, and my grandparents are right down the road. They are all very supportive and have done a lot for me and Kylie. (His parent's have done absolutely nothing)

My mom sees how he treats him and refers to him as "asshole". Thats his name to her now because she can't stand him.

 

[Mrs.Mcguin]

I know your right, it's just so hard to just leave.

People like that, it's their story all the time. That they'll change. It's just another way to rope you back in.

And that's exactly it...I would be a millionaire if got a nickel for each time I heard the "I promise I will change" line. Sure...it's better for a short time...extremely short time, but it doesn't take long to fall back into their old ways.

Let me tell you...that day you show him you are putting your foot down and moving on...then meeting that great guy I know you will some day, you will look back at this and think..."how could I have been so stupid to be with a guy like that?!"

And don't let his manipulations and scare tactics work on you. Especially when trying to scare you about taking your baby away from you. It's just his way of trying to gain control. Be the more mature person

 

[iluvmyfamily]

He's pushed you around? Then he's put his hands on you. He doesn't HAVE to smack you around or choke you or punch you in the face for him to "put his hands on you". If a man and a woman is a party and he takes advantage of her because she has been drinking too much and he forces himself on her, it's rape, right? And if a man throws a woman down on the ground in an alley and forces himself on her, it's still rape, right? So there you go. It's still what it is.

He seems like a violent person. Him blaming you for his mistakes is a red flag. Just like he tells you "it's because you b*tch at me all the time." No, don't let him blame you. I think you know you should leave and I know it's hard, but like you said, you have a good support system. I think you'll be okay hun.

 

[Mrs.Mcguin]

No offense, but staying with him until your daughter is born is an excuse to let him keep abusing you & sucking you into his bad life decisions. After your daughter is born, it'll probably make it even more difficult for you to leave. The exhaustion of having a newborn & also having to end a relationship?

Do you have a support system with your family? How do they feel about him?

Is there anyway you can stay with them? That they'll help you once your daughter is born? I really feel like you should get a strong support system in place now & cut ties with this guy now so that you can put your energy into you and your daughter; so you can focus on the life you want to create for the two of you.

As far as the chewing tobacco goes, I can't imagine that would cause you to lose your daughter in a custody battle. I remember you posting about this before, and I think the responses you got regarding a legal battle were very good. If anything, if you haven't already, start keeping a paper trail & document everything that you can.

Don't let the worry of a custody battle keep you with him. Otherwise, he is still winning.

Couldn't have said it better myself!

 

[spunky84]

I have an awesome support system, my mom and grandparents are helping me through everything. I do live with my mom, and my grandparents are right down the road. They are all very supportive and have done a lot for me and Kylie. (His parent's have done absolutely nothing)

My mom sees how he treats him and refers to him as "asshole". Thats his name to her now because she can't stand him.

Please please please use them for your support system! I know that it is scary as hell leaving this guy. I know. I've been with that kind of guy before. It's scary, and even more so when you have a baby on the way.

I just really worry about what this guy is going to do to you and your baby's life if you stay.

It'll be hard after you leave. And it'll be hard after. Especially because he may very well try to get you to go back to him. You have to stand up for you and your daughter. It will get easier. To stand up to him & to have a life without him. It may take time, but you see how toxic he is and you already know you don't want that for your baby.

Don't worry about the custody battle right now. It sounds like that is something else that is really influencing your decisions right now. The court would not decide without looking into everything. It sounds like he has quite the paper trail already going against him.

But I just don't want to see you roped in again and again. Rely on your support system and use that to get out this situation. Life may be hell for awhile, but be strong and it won't always be. There is someone out there who won't treat you like that; someone who will treat you the way you should and deserve to be; someone that will love and care for your daughter as if she were his own. But you can't meet him when you're still with this guy.

 

[KyliesMommie]

I am going to try my hardest and use my support system to get through this... It's going to be a very hard time for me but, I want to do what's best for my daughter. I hate saying that him not being around is what's best but, I really think it is...

 

[spunky84]

Situations like these are always hard, especially with a child involved. But there is light at the end of the tunnel, even if you can't see it or find it hard to believe.

 

[Mrs.Mcguin]

It's not just what's best for your daughter but for you just as much as well

You're right, it won't be easy but you will be proud of yourself in the end.

Good for you. Stay strong.

 

[Equreuil]

There doesn't have to be physical hitting in order for it to be abuse, verbal is just as bad... and it kind of sounds like that's what's going on if he's calling you names and making you feel like shit.

The possible custody issues suck, though. The guy's obviously an ass who doesn't really want custody, but is willing to try for it just to hurt you. I would maybe consult a lawyer just to see what your options are if he does try to pull something.