Just venting :(

[Robertsgirl]

Is it just me or is time going sooooo slow? It seems I have been waiting for ever, I thought for sure when I got my period I would be depressed but at this point bring it on, I am so warn out with the waiting game, I have nothing to go by it's horrible wondering like this so either I wanna get pregnant or get my period so I can try for baby... Everyone is pregnant at my church three are pregnant 4 just had babies every where we go pregnant women everywhere..Even our cat is pregnant LOL And I want a baby so bad but I am working hard on not making my husband feel under pressure that's hard to do.
How is everyone else doing with the adventure of TTC? I hope I am handling this well..sometimes I feel so down, and no matter what this little cloud little reminder is there..The other day I ate like 3 pickles and did what I used to do told myself " It's okay I am pregnant" and then I frowned at myself...ugh it was not supposed to end so fast all the excitement and happiness my husband would put his hand on my belly and say my little tiny baby, he called it our little bean that's how big we thought it was, and he would call or text me and say my pregnant wife, I miss all of that, after I found out all was lost I was still sick from the hormones I refused to eat my preggie pops he bought me...It hurt to much to even look at them..I feel stuck right now

 

[Spoomie]

Hi Robertsgirl

I'm so sorry for your loss. It is all so hard to bear and it feels like there's no respite anywhere in your life when pregnant women and babies are all around. I had to summon up all my courage to take my son back to playgroups as it is so difficult to be confronted by them when your pain is so raw. Can also totally relate to the feeling that you yearn still to be pregnant. I still have a deep, longing, empty pain sometimes and ache for that to be filled by my baby. I am 4 months down the line now (lost my baby at 12 weeks on 21/11/10) and just this week have started to feel some desire to reengage with real life so maybe the clouds are starting to lift. You will endure tough times and, frustratingly, recovery isn't linear, but it will come. Stay strong and be patient with yourself, we all wish we weren't here but this forum and the amazing people here will be a help xx

 

[Robertsgirl]

Thank you so much Spoomie, finding this site has been a blessing I have met some truly amazing ladies on here..I really don't feel alone at all. I am so sorry for your loss.. Are you trying again? Your response is like therapy for me I really feel like a roller coaster these days and I feel bad that it's still bothering me, and I learned a lesson with all this I am not going to tell anyone until I am in the safe zone people at church I didn't even know were coming up and congratulating me right after I found out I was having a m/c, and they had no idea but it was horrible..any way thank you so very much for sharing your story with me

 

[ali...cat]

Hi both,

Spoomie, nice to see you again.

Robertsgirl, I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a mmc on 1/11/10 and I am still struggling. 13 DPO today - 3rd month of ttc and BFN so think I am out. I tend to have 2 'good'' weeks at the start of the month when there is still hope, and then I go down hill big time when I realise I am heading for a BFN... But like you say time just goes soooo slowly. When I'm at this stage as well I just want to move on. It's the waiting that's agony - oh and like you both all of the pregnant women - EVERYWHERE. I actually think I am getting worse at the moment as the nearer it gets to what was my due date, and still not being pregnant, makes it worse. And everyone just keeps saying stop stressing - it'll happen! When we were ttc first time we didn't tell anyone - so it was stress free. We only told a handful of people when we found out we were pg but then after the MMC they told everyone. So now people are constantly asking 'any news'. I want to scream! I've told those that I can to stop asking and I just smile politely to the others. I agree this site is amazing - you can say how you feel and people really understand I'm so grateful that I found it. hugs to us all x

 

[Spoomie]

Hi again ali...cat and glad to have helped Robertsgirl. Don't feel bad that it's still bothering you (apart from the fact you feel so cr*p about it all) , I think people who haven't experienced a m/c expect you get over it a bit like a cold. If only they knew the half of it. It's an emotional rollercoaster as you say and frustratingly, even when you think you are making progress it still catches you out. I have a friend who experienced a stillbirth at term before her daughter was born and she told me that her counsellor used the analogy of the difficult times being like you are on a boat being battered by the waves and the calm, more hopeful times in between are the times when you regroup and gain strength to go on and get through the bad times that will inevitably follow, if that makes sense?

Ali..cat, I know EXACTLY what you mean about feeling like life is getting better in the period up to ovulation (once the disappointment of af has passed) and then going downhill once you realise you're out again, I could've written that too.

Robertsgirl, I am still trying (OCD tendencies are prevalent just now!) but I am feeling really low today as I am going to be 43 tomorrow; I had imagined I'd be turning 43 and blissfully 7 months pregnant, therefore not caring I was turning 43, instead I'm just turning 43 Going for an early supper with my husband and our beautiful 2 year old son to 'celebrate' and will try to keep remembering all the good things in my life rather than dwelling too long and hard on what I don't have.

Keep pressing on to the ultimate goal ladies, while the pain feels all consuming now, this time will eventually be only a minor blip in the grand scheme of our lives xxx

 

[Robertsgirl]

Hi both,

Spoomie, nice to see you again.

Robertsgirl, I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a mmc on 1/11/10 and I am still struggling. 13 DPO today - 3rd month of ttc and BFN so think I am out. I tend to have 2 'good'' weeks at the start of the month when there is still hope, and then I go down hill big time when I realise I am heading for a BFN... But like you say time just goes soooo slowly. When I'm at this stage as well I just want to move on. It's the waiting that's agony - oh and like you both all of the pregnant women - EVERYWHERE. I actually think I am getting worse at the moment as the nearer it gets to what was my due date, and still not being pregnant, makes it worse. And everyone just keeps saying stop stressing - it'll happen! When we were ttc first time we didn't tell anyone - so it was stress free. We only told a handful of people when we found out we were pg but then after the MMC they told everyone. So now people are constantly asking 'any news'. I want to scream! I've told those that I can to stop asking and I just smile politely to the others. I agree this site is amazing - you can say how you feel and people really understand I'm so grateful that I found it. hugs to us all x

I'm sorry about your loss as well...I thought for sure I was going to be crushed to see my period but at this point I'm praying for it..I want something to go by..I have been using LH test strips it's helping gives me something to look forward to everyday..LOL..I didn't think about that my due date coming..and the bummer on top of that is I was gonna be due right around our first anniversary..I don't want to be all depressed and down on our first anniversary but I am glad you brought that up it will help me plan for it so I will be prepared..Thanks so much for writing me Oh P.S the last 2 days I have been cramping I hope something will happen soon!!

 

[Robertsgirl]

Hi both,

Spoomie, nice to see you again.

Robertsgirl, I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a mmc on 1/11/10 and I am still struggling. 13 DPO today - 3rd month of ttc and BFN so think I am out. I tend to have 2 'good'' weeks at the start of the month when there is still hope, and then I go down hill big time when I realise I am heading for a BFN... But like you say time just goes soooo slowly. When I'm at this stage as well I just want to move on. It's the waiting that's agony - oh and like you both all of the pregnant women - EVERYWHERE. I actually think I am getting worse at the moment as the nearer it gets to what was my due date, and still not being pregnant, makes it worse. And everyone just keeps saying stop stressing - it'll happen! When we were ttc first time we didn't tell anyone - so it was stress free. We only told a handful of people when we found out we were pg but then after the MMC they told everyone. So now people are constantly asking 'any news'. I want to scream! I've told those that I can to stop asking and I just smile politely to the others. I agree this site is amazing - you can say how you feel and people really understand I'm so grateful that I found it. hugs to us all x

I have a friend I go to school with she keeps telling me not to try, just relax and it will happen that is way easier said then done, that's whats getting me through all this is the hope that I can get pregnant and again soon..It's like the light at the end of the tunnel for me..Ya word spread fast for us too after I m/c..When it first happened I felt like I failed my husband, I'm so glad I got past that..This is the hardest thing I have gone through..I look forward to keeping in touch with you ladies and hearing your good news and also being here for you

 

[ali...cat]

Hi both,

I am so glad it is not just me. Everything you both write is such a comfort to me - in the sense that I am not going crazy!

Spoomie, Happy Birthday! I know it is a difficult day, but I hope that you DH and LO is helping you have a lovely day that you'll remember for the right reasons. I wish you could know how much you help people with your words. You always know the right thing to say to put perspective on the world and make people feel calm and smile again. I just hope that using this site helps you as much as you help others. You have such a skill and it's horrible to say, but if you hadn't gone through it- you woudn't be able to do it as well. I wish it wasn't so for you and that you had never known a loss, but I'm thankful that I have found you as you are such a wonderful person. You will get your BFP in the future.

Robertsgirl - I am so sorry that I made you think about the due date. I have a memory for dates - it's not healthy, but at least I never forget a birthday! I felt the same about 'failing' but I think it's so important to get over that. I'm waiting for AF as well - I know she is going to come. I tell you what - cause I have no idea when she is going to come (cycles messed up since mmc) instead of racing for BFP's - should we race for AF!

Keep smiling and speak soon x

 

[Spoomie]

Good evening ladies!

Ali...cat, thank you so so much. You can't imagine what a boost your comment gave me this evening. My poor husband had put today aside for us to do stuff but an emergency meant he had to work and so that left me and my precious one to get through the day. Apart from a couple of episodes of tears it was actually a good day; such gorgeous weather which helped, we pottered around the garden doing little jobs and playing which was great. I'm trying to keep the faith that on my next birthday we WILL have a beautiful new baby and this unhappiness will fade into the background. I must be feeling positive because, surprisingly, even when the doubt set in that this may not actually come to pass, I distinctly thought, at least the pain will be less next year, even if I'm not pregnant.

Robertsgirl, how are you doing today? The last thing you are is a failure; when your baby eventually comes, you will know such joy that you will think yourself amazing, and your husband will think you are Superwoman!!!

Thans so much again for your kind words, I really just say what I am feeling (and no doubt repeat myself a lot - it must be my age!) but it gives me comfort to know that my ramblings help to ease your pain.

Much love x

 

[Robertsgirl]

Hi both,

I am so glad it is not just me. Everything you both write is such a comfort to me - in the sense that I am not going crazy!

Spoomie, Happy Birthday! I know it is a difficult day, but I hope that you DH and LO is helping you have a lovely day that you'll remember for the right reasons. I wish you could know how much you help people with your words. You always know the right thing to say to put perspective on the world and make people feel calm and smile again. I just hope that using this site helps you as much as you help others. You have such a skill and it's horrible to say, but if you hadn't gone through it- you woudn't be able to do it as well. I wish it wasn't so for you and that you had never known a loss, but I'm thankful that I have found you as you are such a wonderful person. You will get your BFP in the future.

Robertsgirl - I am so sorry that I made you think about the due date. I have a memory for dates - it's not healthy, but at least I never forget a birthday! I felt the same about 'failing' but I think it's so important to get over that. I'm waiting for AF as well - I know she is going to come. I tell you what - cause I have no idea when she is going to come (cycles messed up since mmc) instead of racing for BFP's - should we race for AF!

Keep smiling and speak soon x

No I am happy you brought it up it may have sneaked up on me I do better planning with it, I'll be ready..If I have to..I feel like once she does come I will truly have something to go by. I'm still crampy today but no AF yet, my breasts are also tender so I am hopeful soon something will happen..The race is on ladies

 

[Robertsgirl]

Good evening ladies!

Ali...cat, thank you so so much. You can't imagine what a boost your comment gave me this evening. My poor husband had put today aside for us to do stuff but an emergency meant he had to work and so that left me and my precious one to get through the day. Apart from a couple of episodes of tears it was actually a good day; such gorgeous weather which helped, we pottered around the garden doing little jobs and playing which was great. I'm trying to keep the faith that on my next birthday we WILL have a beautiful new baby and this unhappiness will fade into the background. I must be feeling positive because, surprisingly, even when the doubt set in that this may not actually come to pass, I distinctly thought, at least the pain will be less next year, even if I'm not pregnant.

Robertsgirl, how are you doing today? The last thing you are is a failure; when your baby eventually comes, you will know such joy that you will think yourself amazing, and your husband will think you are Superwoman!!!

Thans so much again for your kind words, I really just say what I am feeling (and no doubt repeat myself a lot - it must be my age!) but it gives me comfort to know that my ramblings help to ease your pain.

Much love x

I can feel your positivity in your writing it's amazing!!! Your so strong ..And Happy Birthday!!! I was thinking about that the other night, I told my husband I am going to cry tears of happiness when I see that little heart beating on the ultrasound. I like what you said about superwomen..big smiles on that thank you, you ladies are awesome, I can't say thank you enough!! And you don't repeat yourself

 

[Spoomie]

Bless you Robertsgirl I was completely unaware that my writing sounded positive, especially as I'm always more inclined to post when I'm feeling low, so it is good to hear that I don't come across as a manic depressive I really wish I was strong, this path is not one I have chosen and I feel overwhelmed by it so many times a day. For me, with a toddler, the hardest part of my day is going to playgroups where there are soooo many pregnant mummies, a bit like your experience at Church. I so desperately wish I was joining in with their conversations about their preparations and their heartburn, backache etc etc and end up feeling bitter towards them that I'm not able to, nasty person! Their bumps hold a morbid fascination; it is really painful to see them but at the same time I can't help but keep looking...and longing. I feel like I'm not a big enough person to carry the pain and emptiness, but what else can one do?

Have a lovely weekend xx

 

[Robertsgirl]

Bless you Robertsgirl I was completely unaware that my writing sounded positive, especially as I'm always more inclined to post when I'm feeling low, so it is good to hear that I don't come across as a manic depressive I really wish I was strong, this path is not one I have chosen and I feel overwhelmed by it so many times a day. For me, with a toddler, the hardest part of my day is going to playgroups where there are soooo many pregnant mummies, a bit like your experience at Church. I so desperately wish I was joining in with their conversations about their preparations and their heartburn, backache etc etc and end up feeling bitter towards them that I'm not able to, nasty person! Their bumps hold a morbid fascination; it is really painful to see them but at the same time I can't help but keep looking...and longing. I feel like I'm not a big enough person to carry the pain and emptiness, but what else can one do?

Have a lovely weekend xx

The longing is hard, and I think we take more notice of these things as we are still healing from such an ordeal as ours..Your not bitter or nasty, I avoided a birthday party this evening for my 5 year I didn't want to have to face all the moms and explain for the millionth time I had a m/c So I just dropped her off, and one mom caught me on the way out and asked me how my pregnancy was going I just shook my head and said I better go home and start dinner..I'll tell you what on the next round I wont tell any one until I see that heart beating and I am in the safe zone except on here I'll need the support and the comfort it's gonna be scary at first...I believe the Lord would not give us anything we could not handle and right now in the depth of the sadness for our loss it's very hard to see that, but with time I am sure it will get better, I have this horrible view I am afraid I wont truly recover from all this until I can get back what I lost..and there's a huge fear there, what if I never get it back, what if I'm not able to have another child, what if it's my husband or is there some secret problem one of us has that will make it impossible for us to enjoy having a child together...I believe he is my soul mate, my ex-husband treated me horrible, especially while I was pregnant, he was very bad to me, I want a chance to have what I have only seen the loving father glowing with his hand on her belly holding them both at the same time or going out late for a craving like a strawberry milkshake..LOL I'm tearing up as I write this I feel so silly..Any way you really have wonderful words of wisdom keep them coming and I am always here for you as well..I am also on facebook under Jaqueline Marie Vorhies Take care and have a fantastic weekend!!

 

[Spoomie]

Morning! I'm so happy you've found a good man My husband is so good and has tried to be really supportive but I think that men find it difficult to understand how the pain goes on and we can't just 'get better'. That is why I love this forum; you realise that there's nothing abnormal about feeling that way and people on here always have time to listen and offer a pick-you-up. I know exactly what you mean about not feeling like you'll be able to move on until you are pregnant again, I feel exactly the same too. My previous loss was at 6 weeks and I was pregnant with my gorgeous son within 6 weeks so didn't really have to deal with those feelings. This time is different, at 12 weeks+ I was obviously further along, had seen a heartbeat at 7 weeks (so guard your heart on that front, I didn't) and I haven't managed to get pregnant again immediately. And for me, there's a nagging fear that this was my last shot. I felt really fit and young until this happened and - obviously an element of depression fuelling this - but I feel quite old since the m/c and sometimes wonder if I'm mad anyway even to WANT another baby! But we all know that reason doesn't actually come into this...... I'm sorry you had such a difficult time at the party, it is so so hard and I don't know which is worse, the people who talk to you or the people who avoid talking about it! When I lost my baby last year only a few close people had known that I was pregnant. However, after the event I felt I wanted people to know because I felt bereft and needed people to know that I was not myself because something truly awful had happened to us and I couldn't just carry on as normal. That surprised me because I am a reserved and private person. I will try to find you on Facebook but I am so so inept at using it so please don't be offended if I stick to the forum!

 

[Robertsgirl]

Morning! I'm so happy you've found a good man My husband is so good and has tried to be really supportive but I think that men find it difficult to understand how the pain goes on and we can't just 'get better'. That is why I love this forum; you realise that there's nothing abnormal about feeling that way and people on here always have time to listen and offer a pick-you-up. I know exactly what you mean about not feeling like you'll be able to move on until you are pregnant again, I feel exactly the same too. My previous loss was at 6 weeks and I was pregnant with my gorgeous son within 6 weeks so didn't really have to deal with those feelings. This time is different, at 12 weeks+ I was obviously further along, had seen a heartbeat at 7 weeks (so guard your heart on that front, I didn't) and I haven't managed to get pregnant again immediately. And for me, there's a nagging fear that this was my last shot. I felt really fit and young until this happened and - obviously an element of depression fuelling this - but I feel quite old since the m/c and sometimes wonder if I'm mad anyway even to WANT another baby! But we all know that reason doesn't actually come into this...... I'm sorry you had such a difficult time at the party, it is so so hard and I don't know which is worse, the people who talk to you or the people who avoid talking about it! When I lost my baby last year only a few close people had known that I was pregnant. However, after the event I felt I wanted people to know because I felt bereft and needed people to know that I was not myself because something truly awful had happened to us and I couldn't just carry on as normal. That surprised me because I am a reserved and private person. I will try to find you on Facebook but I am so so inept at using it so please don't be offended if I stick to the forum!

It's absolutely wonderful to truly not be alone in this..Thanks a lot for everything I don't use facebook to much, and I don't talk about my m/c on there it's not the place, but if you don't want to add me I understand completely. How was your day today? Mine was okay we took the kids to the History museum in L.A I was not feeling well I'm having horrible cramps, no bleeding but these cramps are so bad, I couldn't eat when we went to wendys for lunch so by the time we got to the museum my stomach was on fire plus the menstrual cramps on top of that and nothing helped the pain I went to the cafe and all the sandwiches were gone so I had a pastry and that made me feel worse...weird day..And you are not mad for wanting another baby, I'm sure you will have another Try not to stress I know that's almost impossible..Talk to you soon