Keeping father away from daughter

[FlumpsMamma]

Hi all, please don't jump down my throat for this.

About 3 months ago my daughter came home telling me a very detailed story of how her father had left her home alone while he went to the shop. She told me that he had locked her inside his flat so he could get milk from the shop 5 mins away from his home. Obviously I made sure she was telling the truth and contacted her father who denied it all. I believe my daughter and refuse to send her back to his on a weekend incase it happens again. Shes only 5! I arranged for him to have supervised contact at his parents house a few weeks after she told me everything. The day before she was supposed to go she called him and told him this and that and he called her a lier and said I was forcing her to say these things or she was just a lier. I obviously hung the phone up for her as she was very upset and told him he was not seeing her the next day to say things like that to her face. I've heard nothing for 3 months and have told him not to contact me but I feel very guilty. My daughter adores her father but I can't risk it. He has never paid child support or done much for her but that's not too important. Am I right in stopping him till she is of an age she can look after herself for a hour or so? She knows why she isn't seeing him but still blames herself and thinks I'm just being mean... Im torn apart.

 

[MindUtopia]

I think you are absolutely doing the right thing. Besides being neglectful (which is an entirely different issue), he sounds outright abusive and manipulative. I cannot imagine for a second my husband calling our daughter a "liar" and then just disappearing from her life in order to punish her (and you). Real dads don't do stuff like that. The problem here doesn't sound like it's a matter of him making a dumb decision to leave her home alone (though that's also a big deal). The problem is that he sounds emotionally abusive to her. I had a dad like that and not seeing him was so much better than having him in and out, saying horrible things to me and calling me names, and trying to manipulate my mom. She protected me and that was the best thing she could have done, and that's exactly what you're doing. You shouldn't feel guilty. You should feel good that you made a thoughtful, loving decision to spare her from the brunt of all this. If he does come back at some point, I would definitely go forward to arrange only supervised custody in a formal way. I would also just have a really honest conversation with her about how she did the right thing by telling you, and about how people should treat each other and that it's not okay to say hurtful things or call people names, and that's what her dad did, and explain why they aren't spending time together in the most sensitive way you can. I think the important thing is just to emphasise it isn't her fault and that she did a good thing by talking to you and that the reason she isn't seeing her dad isn't because of what she did, but because of what he did (by calling her a mean name, being hurtful to both of you, etc.). You want to make sure she knows she can always talk to you and that telling a trusted adult about something like this is exactly the right thing to do.

 

[tallybee]

I agree with the above 100%, I wish I could thank MindUtopia's post more than once!