I have shared many if these forums with you ladies for about a year. First I used the Fertility and IVF forums with some of you and some of us (myself included) were blessed enough to conceive and move to the first trimester forum, then the 2nd, then the 3rd. With each trimester I recognized user names and faces, celebrated with users, and problem solved with each other. I needed that support and now I need it more then ever. My beautiful daughter, Adalynn was due by c-section 9/28, but I noticed reduced movement when I awoke on 9/25 and couldnt find her heart beat on my home doppler. I raced to the doctors who couldnt find a heart beat either.
I was hysterical. This was my first and only pregnancy, im 36 and my husband is 38. Six rounds of IVF to get her, only to lose her full-term. They delivered her c-section at 7lbs and 4 oz. She was so beautiful. The doctor says her cord was loosely around her neck when they delivered her. But clarified that doesnt mean it wasnt tight around her neck at some point. They have no answers for me and encouraged an autopsy on my perfect baby girl. It didnt seem real, I was in shock. In many ways I still am.
All I can think is if I can just go back in time. I was at the doctors 9/17 and she was fine. What did they miss? What did I miss? How could all my prayers go unanswered? Why us? Why our baby? Why the couple who mortgaged their house for this baby, who has 40 grand in fertility debt, and no more embryos or money? Why the couple who has no more options? I dont understand? My heart breaks for my baby, and I ache to hold her. She never got her first breath, I never got to feed her or change her.
My husband and I got to hold her in the hospital. It was heartbreaking how beautiful and perfect she was. We have pictures and hand and feet molds the hospital gave us. But I went home with a memory box instead of my precious daughter. Why wasnt she given a chance?
I was worried something would go wrong throughout my pregnancy because we went through so much to get there. In the last few weeks I started to think maybe we could breath a sigh of relief. I was so wrong. I never thought it would come to this. My husband has returned to work and I cant return to "normal". Nothing will ever be normal or the same again. The questions that eat at me will never have an answer. I search for what I could have done differently, what the doctor could have done differently. No ones words are re-assuring but i cant handle my grief alone.
We buried my precious Adalynn on 10/3, my original due date. I dread each day. Waking up and realizing it is real and having empty arms.
I was hysterical. This was my first and only pregnancy, im 36 and my husband is 38. Six rounds of IVF to get her, only to lose her full-term. They delivered her c-section at 7lbs and 4 oz. She was so beautiful. The doctor says her cord was loosely around her neck when they delivered her. But clarified that doesnt mean it wasnt tight around her neck at some point. They have no answers for me and encouraged an autopsy on my perfect baby girl. It didnt seem real, I was in shock. In many ways I still am.
All I can think is if I can just go back in time. I was at the doctors 9/17 and she was fine. What did they miss? What did I miss? How could all my prayers go unanswered? Why us? Why our baby? Why the couple who mortgaged their house for this baby, who has 40 grand in fertility debt, and no more embryos or money? Why the couple who has no more options? I dont understand? My heart breaks for my baby, and I ache to hold her. She never got her first breath, I never got to feed her or change her.
My husband and I got to hold her in the hospital. It was heartbreaking how beautiful and perfect she was. We have pictures and hand and feet molds the hospital gave us. But I went home with a memory box instead of my precious daughter. Why wasnt she given a chance?
I was worried something would go wrong throughout my pregnancy because we went through so much to get there. In the last few weeks I started to think maybe we could breath a sigh of relief. I was so wrong. I never thought it would come to this. My husband has returned to work and I cant return to "normal". Nothing will ever be normal or the same again. The questions that eat at me will never have an answer. I search for what I could have done differently, what the doctor could have done differently. No ones words are re-assuring but i cant handle my grief alone.
We buried my precious Adalynn on 10/3, my original due date. I dread each day. Waking up and realizing it is real and having empty arms.
oh honey, i have no words, so sorry for your loss
