Leaving your baby!!! (kind of a rant)

[wtbmummy]

The irony, you don't want me to make judgements on you but you're judging this mom based on your view of her life.

Carry on.

Actually your trying to make it sound like I'm proud of myself so you really don't get the question. Do you seriously think a baby should be with anyone but it's mother and father in the most crucial age of bonding???
Anyway I have seen your comments on a lot of threads in the past and arguments always seem to spark off from your comments so I will just ignore your "opinion" from now on as you clearly like to be harsh with posters.

 

[felix555]

The irony, you don't want me to make judgements on you but you're judging this mom based on your view of her life.

Carry on.

Actually your trying to make it sound like I'm proud of myself so you really don't get the question. Do you seriously think a baby should be with anyone but it's mother and father in the most crucial age of bonding???
Anyway I have seen your comments on a lot of threads in the past and arguments always seem to spark off from your comments so I will just ignore your "opinion" from now on as you clearly like to be harsh with posters.

This is actually complete rubbish. I've disagreed with people but I'm never unnecessarily harsh and if I ever feel I have been (I'm human and have been) I've apologised on the thread or in PM.

 

[MommyJogger]

And MommyJogger, I understand your point on looking out for children, but it's not like this child is neglected or suffering in any way. The baby is with grandparents and well looked after, even if it's not the mother doing it 24/7.

I think neglect and suffering each have huge sliding scales. Something can be neglectful without legally being neglect or even having a severe impact on the child. My child went into daycare at 6 weeks when I went back to work. I consider that neglectful on my part and I know that in many ways my child suffered for it, but it would certainly never be classed under traditional understandings of neglect and suffering. In like terms, I think that children who are frequently and unnecessarily left with non-parent caregivers out of parental convenience will likely suffer mild negative effects, even if that negative is something as simple as wanting mommy and not getting her. While I agree that multiple loving, adult caregivers is beneficial, I think we lose sight of the fact that this doesn't necessarily need to happen by making the mother inaccessible should the child desire the mother's touch, nor is it necessary at such a young age when really a very young newborn/infant unequivocally benefits more from care by a single, attached caregiver. It's a matter of how necessary the separation is and how much actual emotional benefit a parent receives from the outings.
I would hope that the parents in OP's post are suffering some kind of undisclosed emotional difficulties which make their actions exceptionally beneficial to the family, but I know that's not always the case. I think we must all know a family like that irl. Personally, when I read OP's post, my mind immediately went to another couple I know who took days off from work to attend a children's fair with their dogs and left their kids in daycare for those days so that they could more easily enjoy the day with their furbabies. The same couple also spent the week of their kids' birthdays on vacation overseas while their kids were passed around to various friends and relatives to be watched that week, with only a loose idea of who would have them and when ahead of time. I consider this neglectful even if it doesn't fit within the traditional idea of neglect.
I hope that made sense. I'm long winded most days, but late pregnancy isn't kind to my ability to string sentences together.
Besides, this is a semi-anonymous internet forum. I doubt that OP letting off a little rant here is going to do anything to the post's subject, so even if it were exceptionally judgey (and I don't think it was), it's not going to impact the woman in any way.

 

[katherinegrey]

I have to say I agree with the majority on here. A girl I went to school with had a baby girl, and was out drinking and had left the baby overnight when she wasn't even two weeks old. At the time, I was pregnant with my baby and I thought 'how could she do that?! Isn't that a bit selfish?!'.
Simple answer is yes, it probably is a bit selfish. But then I had my own baby, and I realised just how many different ways there are to do things, and I'm sure if I were to list out everything I do as a mother she might disagree with some things I do.
I also realised that motherhood is HARD. Yes, we sign up for it. Yes, people tell us it will be sleepless nights and constant demands. But we aren't ever really prepared. You simply can't be. Just because you technically know what being a mother is doesn't mean you won't struggle. And I gave that girl a break. I thought 'if that night off being a bit selfish is what you need to make it through, you grasp it with both hands'.
I've left my son. I've left him to do the food shopping in peace, I've left him to go for a meal in peace, I've even left him to get my hair done. I'm not a horrible mother. I love my boy. I miss him horribly when I leave him, but a part of me relishes the time to be 'me'.
I think as mothers we should all give each other a break sometimes and stop judging each other, we get enough judgement as it is.

 

[catty]

I think if she is dropping the baby off every time she is going to get something most days then personally that is too much.
She is maybe scared the baby will start crying in public or something and has anxiety over it?

I will admit I do my food shopping alone wherever possible but I take an hour and as I'm breastfeeding I'm with her pretty much every other second of the day, she has had the 2 sleepovers but never been left with anyone at other times (except oh when I'm food shopping)

When I was at the wedding whilst having a 5 week old and 12 month home with my mum I felt terrible terribly guilty. I enjoyed myself but was worried of what people thought of me and if I was being a bad mum. If I had come on and read this I think It would have been really hard. Sometimes things are not always what they seem.

I do agree though a child should be with there parents wherever possible

 

[sue_88]

This thread is ridiculous.

Maybe she's exhausted?
Maybe she's got PND.
Maybe those few hours here and there keep her from sinking?
Maybe the baby stage is a huge shock?
Maybe, she's just selfish.

SO WHAT!! She can leave her baby however often, however long she wants and it is NO ONES business. As long she's not leaving the baby on the pavement, and the baby is well cared for by their extended family and friends, then who the hell cares!

If you wouldn't do it, like I wouldn't, no big deal. You are not better, you are not superior, you're a mum, just like she is.



Moot point: Katherine....your post reminded me of the one time I've had my hair done since I had my LO, I told the hairdresser I did not want to be home within 2hours!! I was being selfish because I needed that break.

 

[viii]

And MommyJogger, I understand your point on looking out for children, but it's not like this child is neglected or suffering in any way. The baby is with grandparents and well looked after, even if it's not the mother doing it 24/7.

I think neglect and suffering each have huge sliding scales. Something can be neglectful without legally being neglect or even having a severe impact on the child. My child went into daycare at 6 weeks when I went back to work. I consider that neglectful on my part and I know that in many ways my child suffered for it, but it would certainly never be classed under traditional understandings of neglect and suffering. In like terms, I think that children who are frequently and unnecessarily left with non-parent caregivers out of parental convenience will likely suffer mild negative effects, even if that negative is something as simple as wanting mommy and not getting her. While I agree that multiple loving, adult caregivers is beneficial, I think we lose sight of the fact that this doesn't necessarily need to happen by making the mother inaccessible should the child desire the mother's touch, nor is it necessary at such a young age when really a very young newborn/infant unequivocally benefits more from care by a single, attached caregiver. It's a matter of how necessary the separation is and how much actual emotional benefit a parent receives from the outings.
I would hope that the parents in OP's post are suffering some kind of undisclosed emotional difficulties which make their actions exceptionally beneficial to the family, but I know that's not always the case. I think we must all know a family like that irl. Personally, when I read OP's post, my mind immediately went to another couple I know who took days off from work to attend a children's fair with their dogs and left their kids in daycare for those days so that they could more easily enjoy the day with their furbabies. The same couple also spent the week of their kids' birthdays on vacation overseas while their kids were passed around to various friends and relatives to be watched that week, with only a loose idea of who would have them and when ahead of time. I consider this neglectful even if it doesn't fit within the traditional idea of neglect.
I hope that made sense. I'm long winded most days, but late pregnancy isn't kind to my ability to string sentences together.
Besides, this is a semi-anonymous internet forum. I doubt that OP letting off a little rant here is going to do anything to the post's subject, so even if it were exceptionally judgey (and I don't think it was), it's not going to impact the woman in any way.

I disagree quite a bit with some of this but thanks for expanding on what you mean

 

[minties]

Oh no, this poor baby has lots of people that adore spending time with it. It's loved and looked after by a range of caring family members. The parents have a lot of support and help and have found a good balance in parenting and staying happy and sociable.

Gee, what a disaster...

I wish I had people who could have helped me when my second was a baby. I had post natal depression and kept it to myself. I would have loved to have some time out of the house to breath and feel like me again. I still haven't had anyone babysit my daughter and she's almost 2.

 

[HoneyBee144]

OP, I do understand where you're coming from, it does sound like an excessive amount of time and not what you would want to do with a newborn. I couldn't and didn't do it with my son when he was newborn and still wouldn't now to an extent.

However that is me. You don't know their personal circumstances, I understand you've been through a lot but that doesn't mean everyone else will cope the same way you did. Other posters have suggested legitimate reasons they may leave their baby and there's more. Until you know for sure it's really hard to judge. You could be absolutely right and they're just be leaving the baby because they can't be bothered but they also may be going through hell behind closed doors or just don't see the big deal and feel comfortable leaving their baby with their family.

I can see why you would think it's strange, I agree but there could be so any reasons for it.

 

[ClairAye]

Well I must be bad as me and FOB left DS in the hospital when he was less than 48 hours old with the midwives as he spewed on all of his clothes we had (we were far away from home) and we had to get more. Yes, I could of stayed there with him but after a really rough labour and being stuck in a hospital for three days I really wanted some fresh air!

Fast forward to him being 8 weeks old my mum looked after him so I could go out (fair enough, I didn't enjoy it but still) because he got out of hospital (sepsis and kidney problems) 2 weeks previous. Yes, I could of stayed home and cherished the fact that he was there with me but FOB was away at the time and I felt like a needed a break after everything I had been through.

I don't like seeing parents going out ALL the time, no but everyone needs a break. When me and FOB were together if I had someone to look after LO/s one night a week so we could of gone out I'd of jumped at the chance. You don't know the reasons behind anything so try not and judge them for having some time to themselves, no it's not what I could do with a baby so young but everyone deals with things differently.

 

[staralfur]

You keep saying that you know what it's like to raise a baby with reflux while having PND, but the fact is that those two experiences can be completely different for everyone. How you coped with PND doesn't have any reflection whatsoever on anyone else's ability to cope. Unless you're living in their house or spending most of your time with them, I'm also not entirely sure how you can be certain exactly how often they're leaving their baby with someone else and what they're doing during that time.

On a simple level I do think it's odd to leave a child frequently to go party or do 'selfish' things, but I also would equally scratch my head at someone not having some kid-free time here and there. My LO has an overnight stay with her grandparents once every couple of months now, and if we're out visiting my inlaws we'll usually leave her for a few hours each day that we're there. Some people might consider that to be too frequent whereas for me and my family it's perfect. What is "too much" or "not enough" is completely subjective.

I also think it matters what the parents themselves are like and how they spend the quality time they do have with their LO. I'm sure there are parents who stay home 24/7 and barely look up from their computer or acknowledge their kid. So to me, that parent would be failing a lot harder than one who interacts, cuddles, plays etc. with their baby but also chooses to leave him/her one night a week.

You also have to keep in mind that not everyone tells everyone everything. Maybe their relationship is failing and they're spending some of that baby-free time at counselling and reconnecting. Maybe their baby is ill and taking her out in crowds is dangerous so they leave her with someone whenever they can. Those may seem like unlikely scenarios but you just can't assume to know what these people are doing with their time or what their reasons are for doing so.

 

[MommyJogger]

No I think the OP was congratulating herself on being a brilliant mother because she wouldn't do what this mother does.

I really didn't get that vibe, nor do I really think that having criticism for something insinuates in any way that the criticizer is the number one expert in something. I tend to look at criticism more like tennis commentary-- you might not be the best player (you might not can even beat the person on the court), but you can still call out a bad play when you see one, even if other commentators disagree with you.

 

[MommyJogger]

I disagree quite a bit with some of this but thanks for expanding on what you mean

That's okay, we can disagree, I still like you. I like the discussion, though.

 

[felix555]

As others have said, it's not for us to decide how others should handle things based on how we handle things.

Just to give you an example ... you've said in threads you did sleep training using controlled crying at TWO MONTHS. My LO is 18 months and I've never sleep trained because I don't like to hear my baby cry and he's a very bad sleeper. Should I judge you for that? No. I don't know your reasons ...

Maybe you just need sleep more than I do
Maybe you don't have an OH that helps with middle of the night wakings
Maybe lack of sleeps flares up your PND

There could be a million reasons why, I'm not going to act sanctimonious because I've waited it out and you haven't.

 

[Andypanda6570]

How do you know what goes on in their household? How do you know what they feel or what the mother might be going through? I would sit outside my house and smile at the mailman and try to soak up sun, then go in and cry my eyes out..On the outside I appeared to be "Getting Over It" meanwhile I was a friggin walking disaster..

Don't judge or assume to know, it's not right. Maybe she needs a little separation from her child right now for whatever reason.. How beautiful this world would be if instead of judging or posting about someone we would just say a kind word or offer to help in the smallest way...

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

Some people want or need a break and some dont. My last reply to a thread got taken wayyyy out of context lol so apprehensive to reply properly. Its not worth worrying about. I dont get a break at aLl and somedays i think woe is me but oh well i cuddle my little ones knowing one day they will move out and il no doubt be tediously bored. Whatever people do or dont do there is always someone waiting to moan about it x

 

[highhopes19]

This thread is a bit self righteous and harsh

I'm pretty sure your aware Having a new baby is blooming hard easy baby or not and its a huge adjustment.... Everyone handles it differently just because some might of taken to it like a duck to water doesn't mean its gonna be like that for us all!

But who knows she may be taking to it easily but just needing a breather every now and then what's up with that and who are we to judge... Its overwhelming and I also found it a bit suffocating at times... And who's to say she didnt constantly think and miss her little one whilst she was out

First time I left Isabelle she was 2 weeks old I went out for a meal with her dad I was gone 2 hours maybe 3...

I also had severe PND and still do tbh.. And Isabelle also had quite bad reflux, as much as Tom was fab with her during the day during the night he was blooming useless and just slept through her crying! The lack of sleep really made my PND worse... And I regret it now but I craved time away from her to feel like me a normal person even if it was just nipping to the shop

 

[Tiff]

I would never do it personally, but I don't think its neglectful if someone else chooses to do it.

When my best friend's daughter was 2 weeks old, she had her appendix burst and had to have emergency surgery. My friend was in no shape or form able to care for a newborn so her daughter had to stay with her Mom for 10 days (straight) while she was in the hospital. Well, 5 days in the hospital, 5 days at home recovering where her mom would bring her daughter over for most of the day but take her home with her at night.

All that's happened from that is my friend's daughter has a great bond with her grandmother. BUT, she ADORES her mother and if she had to chose she'd pick her Mom any day out of the week. BFF's daughter just turned 5, fyi

Tbh, I feel that as long as baby's needs are being taken care of then all is good. I also think about all the children given up for adoption, lots of whom are babies. They love their adopted families, they weren't neglected at all.

If they were leaving baby ALONE mind you, that's another thing. If they don't feel that this is a crucial bonding time, that's for them to decide on.

 

[viii]

I disagree quite a bit with some of this but thanks for expanding on what you mean

That's okay, we can disagree, I still like you. I like the discussion, though.

You mention putting your son into daycare was neglectful in your opinion. I disagree with that. Some of my friends have their children in daycare because they have to work. They aren't financially stable for whatever reasons they have and a lot of them need 2 incomes to support their family. Some work because they want to, and have their children in daycare. I don't find any of them neglectful parents.

My best friend is due end of December and shortly after the baby is born, the baby will probably join its siblings at daycare. My friend's husband left her and in order to receive government assistance, she has to work. Would she rather stay home with her children? Of course, she fully intended to homeschool them but suddenly life doesn't work like that.

I don't find daycare to be neglectful at all. While the child may suffer, sometimes there's nothing to be done about it. I also think a small degree of suffering is an unfortunate part of life that we can't always shield our children from.

 

[emyandpotato]

When I was at school I was happily bitching away about a girl who lived on my street and who had a newborn (she must have been about 16, year below me) doing exactly this, or taking her newborn with her and walking around with her friends in the evenings as teenagers do. My teacher told me to shut up and stop my ignorance because I had no idea what it was like for her. I think the same advice stands here. We never know what is going on fully and we cannot pretend to comprehend the needs and difficulties of another family unit.