Leaving your baby!!! (kind of a rant)

[wtbmummy]

I am just curious as to what other people find acceptable once they bring home there newborn.
When do you think its ok to leave your baby?
I ask as I believe if you choose to have a baby it's down to YOU to take care of it (I'm not meaning going back to work or anything as sometimes we have too)
I have this friend (well was) Her baby was born in July. The day they came home from hospital they said "we need milk" and went out together for TWO hours leaving there baby with its great aunty. The baby wasnt even 24hours old!!!
Since then (the baby is now 7weeks) they have had one night at least every week where the baby has actually slept out overnight!!!! During the day and weekends they seem to constantly out and about without the baby and only seem to have her when they are doing the "showing off" part of being new parents. There baby isnt even a difficult baby. She has reflux but is now on medication and is fine.

It just makes me very very angry personally that they have had a baby and arent even bothered about raising her themselves. I have left my ds once overnight and that was due to my pnd and needing time with hubby before ds got diagnosed with lactose intolerance. He is 7months old. The only other time I have left him is with dh when I pop to the shop or something.

Do u think its right to have a baby and let other people raise it and do the hard work and just enjoy the good times???? I thought being a parent meant you had the good and bad!!!!!

 

[felix555]

Wow very judgemental.

I've never left my LO with anyone for more than an hour and that was with my OH and he's 18 months. Does this make me mother of the year? No.

Your efforts will probably be best spent concentrating on raising your own child rather than worry what others do with theirs.

 

[Teri7489]

Mixed feelings really here. I personally agree that we should care for our own children and make sacrifices. I agree going back to work is a need also. Not to be nasty here, but I do disagree with you posting on here about someone else's choices. It's up to them what they do and you don't know what's going on with the family. You may not wish to have a night out, but no one is forcing you to. Live and let live, enjoy your family with your LO xxx

 

[MrsPear]

It's not really any concern of yours, so don't sweat it.

You bring your baby up how you think it best, and let them do with theirs what they think is right. All lives and babies and wants and needs and interests and circumstances are different, so don't try to fit them all in the same box.

 

[catty]

I find posts like this quite upsetting.
My daughter is 10 weeks old and has already had two sleepovers due to weddings we went to that were both very close friends.
I'd hate to think there are people that would judge me like this.
I no this post isn't aimed at me but the part where you wrote that she can't even be bothered to raise her own child is quite harsh as I'm sure in a 24 hour day she is with the baby the majority of it.

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

I have only left my 18mths old with my OH and not for long or on a regular basis but thats my choice, shes my 3rd and I see how fast they grow. I dont like to judge others though even though personally I cant understand it. X

 

[LoveCakes]

We are leaving LO with her grandparents for a few hours to go to an evening do for a wedding this week. She'll be 3 weeks old. I wouldn't want to leave her overnight but that's more about how I'd feel than worries about her.

It's hard to know the reality of the situation. They still have them 6 nights a week and it is their baby. As you say they were your friend. Maybe it's time to cut ties to save getting upset.

 

[Gem1302]

Hmmm. At that age and that much I would raise my eyebrows.

However I don't think it's bad to have a few hours where you can take your mummy/daddy hats off and do something for yourself. LO was 9 weeks when we first left him. My mum had him for 6 hours while we went Xmas shopping. He was familiar with my mum, we see her 3/4 times a week, and I did worry constantly, but it was nice. Now we have a date night where we go to the cinema every 6/8 weeks. Just gives us chance to be a couple, chat and relax for a couple of hours without chasing around a baby and doing nappy changes or feeding and cleaning him. It definitely helps with a our relationship and sanity.

But no, I wouldn't do it that much myself.

He's never slept our either.

 

[sue_88]

Would I do that? No, I wouldn't. She's never been away from me overnight, and at most 9hrs at work.

But I don't think it's right that you're being so judgemental about what works for their family.

Perhaps they really relish the night away to reconnect, go out, date with each other and then can then tackle the next 6 nights.

It really is no business of yours, and more importantly it's not wrong!!

 

[wish4baby]

I agree with the other posters...you shouldn't have to worry about it!
I'm the same as you, in that we don't leave our kids (and we homeschool, so I am talking literally 24-7 lol!)
When we used to live near both sets of parents they would be all over us to "go out" so they could watch our (then) 2 kids - now we have 5 and there's not so many offers lol!...once we finally left them, at 2+ years old, it quickly spun out of control ("Friday night is OUR night with the kids" tons of candy and gifts, etc) and we decided we weren't going to do that anymore, unless absolutely necessary.
My youngest, 5 months, has never stayed away from me - not even w DH, and my other kids have stayed away from us about 3 times in the last 6 years, none overnight...
But, sometimes I wish I could let them (with my parents, of course)

I worry too much and wouldn't enjoy myself, I know, but part of me really does envy those that don't mind leaving their kiddos for a weekend, or vacation or something! I think now, besides the baby, I would consider if it there was an offer (my older ones are 7-13) but honestly I'd worry over my parents, my kids can be a handful and I'm pretty sure they'd run my parents into the ground lol

 

[teal]

It's not something I done but leaving your baby with someone you trust isn't wrong. Also, you've said she's not a difficult baby but that doesn't mean that her parents don't deserve time to themselves if it's needed.

 

[AP]

Would I do it? No. Do I care what works for other people? No, not my business.

There baby isnt even a difficult baby. She has reflux but is now on medication and is fine.

Reflux can be very difficult, our daughters resulted in me being housebound the majority of the first year. Even on all the meds. If I knew anyone who could cope I would have let them, but sadly only my husband understood. If someone can actually let a parent have a break from that, why not? That makes a tough time on a relationship! (She didn't stay at anyone's house until 18months-when we got married-and we didn't even have a honeymoon, we picked her up at 11am the next morning.)

Don't waste energy and thoughts on things you disagree with and just enjoy your family.

 

[MommyJogger]

I don't really think it's fair to tell the OP not to worry about what other people do with their kids. I think it shows more that she cares about the child in question (or children in general). If everyone in the world actually stepped back and didn't worry about the wellbeing and happiness of other people's children, I think it would be pretty sad. I don't understand how anyone starting a family can google anything about motherhood and not get a return about how little time you have for "me" things when the children are young. Whether the baby is difficult or not, the parents signed up for it. It's not the baby's fault that (s)he's having a difficult time and may be difficult for the parents, the baby still deserves the intensive care of the parents. I don't think there's really a hard line for "how early is too early" or "how often is too often", but I definitely can say I know a couple people who are so far over the line, it's alarming, so I get where the OP is coming from. I would probably cringe a little knowing a baby that young going to overnights each week and not getting lots of weekend family time with the parents (at least one of whom I assume works full time).
I don't philosophically consider there to be "good" times and "bad" times-- I think those are usually pretty indistinguishable in hindsight. But I think it should be the general standard that both parents spend lots of time with their children and not very frequently leaving lo to have lots of baby-free time. Balance is important and will look different for every family, but I do think that some people get balance confused and unfairly put their general freedom and enjoyment ahead of their kids.

 

[felix555]

I don't really think it's fair to tell the OP not to worry about what other people do with their kids. I think it shows more that she cares about the child in question (or children in general). If everyone in the world actually stepped back and didn't worry about the wellbeing and happiness of other people's children, I think it would be pretty sad. I don't understand how anyone starting a family can google anything about motherhood and not get a return about how little time you have for "me" things when the children are young. Whether the baby is difficult or not, the parents signed up for it. It's not the baby's fault that (s)he's having a difficult time and may be difficult for the parents, the baby still deserves the intensive care of the parents. I don't think there's really a hard line for "how early is too early" or "how often is too often", but I definitely can say I know a couple people who are so far over the line, it's alarming, so I get where the OP is coming from. I would probably cringe a little knowing a baby that young going to overnights each week and not getting lots of weekend family time with the parents (at least one of whom I assume works full time).
I don't philosophically consider there to be "good" times and "bad" times-- I think those are usually pretty indistinguishable in hindsight. But I think it should be the general standard that both parents spend lots of time with their children and not very frequently leaving lo to have lots of baby-free time. Balance is important and will look different for every family, but I do think that some people get balance confused and unfairly put their general freedom and enjoyment ahead of their kids.

No I think the OP was congratulating herself on being a brilliant mother because she wouldn't do what this mother does.

I agree with everything else you've said though as that's how I see it too for my family but it's not for everyone and the child is not getting neglected so the concern for this baby is unnecessary.

 

[Bevziibubble]

Every parent and every baby is different. It shouldn't really concern you tbh as it doesn't affect you.

I've only left my LO for a few hours here and there with my parents. Between the age of 5 months and 25 months we didn't leave her once as she had severe separation anxiety. We will occasionally leave her an hour with a grandparent now but not very often. More to get her used to it for when she goes to nursery next year. She's never stayed with anyone else overnight as she still doesn't STTN and is very scared and clingy in the night, so it wouldn't be fair on her or them. And I think I would miss her too much!


I wouldn't leave my LO with others that young and for that length of time, but that's just me. It wouldn't work for me and my LO, but it obviously works for your friend. The baby sounds like he/she will grow up with a close network of people around her. There are advantages and disadvantages both ways.


Your friend might have postnatal depression. She might NEED this time away from her baby. I've had times where I've wanted someone to just take her away for a week because I've been that stressed and depressed. And other times where I can't bear the thought of leaving her. Sometimes things aren't as they appear on the surface.


I have found people judge me for NOT leaving my baby with people and they told me she would become spoilt and clingy, etc. If it works for the individual family then it shouldn't be of concern to anyone else.

 

[viii]

Is this her first baby? Perhaps she's having a lot of trouble adjusting or suffering from PND. Unless you really know how she's feeling, I would hold back on passing judgement.

She's probably doing the best she can, like any mother.

And MommyJogger, I understand your point on looking out for children, but it's not like this child is neglected or suffering in any way. The baby is with grandparents and well looked after, even if it's not the mother doing it 24/7.

 

[wtbmummy]

I don't really think it's fair to tell the OP not to worry about what other people do with their kids. I think it shows more that she cares about the child in question (or children in general). If everyone in the world actually stepped back and didn't worry about the wellbeing and happiness of other people's children, I think it would be pretty sad. I don't understand how anyone starting a family can google anything about motherhood and not get a return about how little time you have for "me" things when the children are young. Whether the baby is difficult or not, the parents signed up for it. It's not the baby's fault that (s)he's having a difficult time and may be difficult for the parents, the baby still deserves the intensive care of the parents. I don't think there's really a hard line for "how early is too early" or "how often is too often", but I definitely can say I know a couple people who are so far over the line, it's alarming, so I get where the OP is coming from. I would probably cringe a little knowing a baby that young going to overnights each week and not getting lots of weekend family time with the parents (at least one of whom I assume works full time).
I don't philosophically consider there to be "good" times and "bad" times-- I think those are usually pretty indistinguishable in hindsight. But I think it should be the general standard that both parents spend lots of time with their children and not very frequently leaving lo to have lots of baby-free time. Balance is important and will look different for every family, but I do think that some people get balance confused and unfairly put their general freedom and enjoyment ahead of their kids.

No I think the OP was congratulating herself on being a brilliant mother because she wouldn't do what this mother does.

I agree with everything else you've said though as that's how I see it too for my family but it's not for everyone and the child is not getting neglected so the concern for this baby is unnecessary.

Excuse me but you don't know me so don't right harsh comments!!!! I am askings peoples opinions on if they think it's right. I am far from congratulating myself. I have been suffering with severe pnd and still find what this family is doing to much.
I don't think pre planned events are an issue such as weddings etc... But this isnt a sleep out one night a week for time as a couple. Everytime they leave the house they drop off there baby girl off with someone else. Even just to pop to tesco or collect chinese. Her husband is my husbands work partner. They work a 60hour week every week and they get two days together and most of that time the baby is with other people.

I just dont understand how you can leave your newborn baby so willingly and so often. To me it seems crazy. I dont think they have actually taken care of there baby for 24hours in one period without leaving her with someone else. Yes she has reflux but as a mother whos child had extreamly severe reflux due to misdiagnoses of LI I know how hard it is. We didnt get correct diagnoses until 3.5mo so all that time was hard. But her baby now is on the correct medication and is not suffering.

I am just trying to work out if I myself am crazy or if in fact other people too think this isn't right when you signed up to be a mother????

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

Exactly what bev said,people judge me for not leaving her! We cant win. Its best just to take a deep breath

 

[felix555]

The irony, you don't want me to make judgements on you but you're judging this mom based on your view of her life.

Carry on.

 

[viii]

What you're capable of handling is perhaps different to what this other woman can handle.