Although each day is easier since our loss 2 and a half weeks ago, it's still pretty fresh. I wanted to write our story down sooner than later because I was afraid I might forget something. This is my first blog entry of many to come. I apologize for the length!
Mateo's Story
It's been almost two and half weeks since we lost our sweet baby boy. I don't know if I'm ready to tell the whole story, but here's a start...
We found out we were going to be parents on June 20, a day after Father's Day. There were a lot of mixed emotions at first. Jose read the test and his response of "Um, yeah..." explained how both of us were feeling! We hugged, I cried, he told me he was scared. We went to bed.
By the next day though, I think we were both filled with excitement. Although we hadn't been together long, we cared so much for each other, laughed constantly, and enjoyed every moment spent together. We waited anxiously for my first appointment in July. We talked about the baby all the time, it seemed like our only topic of conversation for a while. We broke the news to our families after my first appointment and were relieved that they seemed as excited as we were!
It felt like we were doing everything right. I took my vitamins, went to every doctor's appointment, and stopped eating anything that might harm the baby. We kept track of how the baby was developing every week, every week more amazed at what was happening. Jose started talking to my belly and always said the sweetest things to the baby. I got to hear the heartbeat at my appointments and it was so strong and steady. I remember hearing it at one appointment, so amazed just thinking how perfect it sounded.
Jose catered to all my cravings. Watermelon at first, then a late night banana popsicle run, milk duds - whatever I wanted. He offered back rubs, which for whatever reason, I was disgusted by. I saved a text message he sent me that said, "I think to myself that there is going to be a new person in this world with a little of you and little of me inside them. That's amazing to me when I think about it. I never thought I'd have kids. It makes me want to cry. I love that baby so much already and it's not even here". I remember reading it over and over. He and I went "window shopping" for baby things and looked forward to finding out if our baby was a boy or girl.
In September, I went home to Maine to visit my family. My little sisters couldn't contain their excitement over being aunts. Sophie told me she was sure the baby was a girl, because boys are whiny butts and she didn't think my baby would be a whiny butt. My mom held a baby shower and we were blessed with some beautiful gifts from friends and family. I felt very lucky that day that so many people came together to show their love and support. I was sad to leave and head back to Richmond, but I missed Jose and Cooper!
We waited anxiously for our gender ultrasound on October 20. I had a feeling throughout the pregnancy that it was a boy, even though I think I had been hoping for a girl. It felt like we sat in the waiting room forever! Finally we got called in for the ultrasound, everything seemed to be looking good. Then the technician told us she knew what we were having...a BOY! Jose was obviously so excited. At the end, we learned that everything looked normal, and it was such a relief. We couldn't have been happier that day. We had so much fun buying cute little boy clothes, picking out bedding and trying to decide what color we would paint the nursery. I settled in quickly to the idea of having a little boy. Our sweetheart, Mateo.
My pregnancy had been pretty easy. Although I had had some nausea in the first trimester, the second trimester was going well. A couple days after our gender ultrasound, I started having some back pain. Everyone says it's normal, pregnancy comes with back pain, I didn't think much of it. I remember telling Jose that the pain was making me rather cranky, though! The night of October 27th, a Thursday, I woke up in the middle of the night with pretty severe cramps. I went to the bathroom and everything seemed fine for a little while after. Throughout the night I kept getting cramps and back pain and was generally uncomfortable but again, wrote it off. When I woke up the next day, it was more of the same. I also started realizing that I hadn't felt Mateo move very much. Finally, on my way to work, I called my doctor's office. I got a call back a couple hours later and the nurse reassured me that it was probably round ligament pain. She said that at 22 weeks pregnant there is a lot of stretching going on and that everything I was feeling was normal. She also said that at 22 weeks, most people don't feel much movement and that if he was in a different position than usual, I might not feel much. It was something of a relief to hear, but I really just had this sinking feeling that something was wrong. I brushed it aside. During my shift at work, I had some pretty bad cramps and almost a burning back pain. By midnight, when my shift was over, I called the on-call doctor to explain what was happening and to see if I should be concerned. She said that although it was probably nothing serious, she thought I should go to the ER. I told Jose and we decided that we would meet at the hospital.
It had been a long time since I had been to an emergency room. Never in my adult life, and never alone. I started getting checking in before Jose got there. I remember when I told my symptoms to the man at the desk he seemed quite concerned. I read what he wrote under the presenting concerns section "possible pre-term labor" and thought, that's ridiculous! We got checked in and I was wheeled up to the second floor. We sat together in a triage room making each other laugh.
A nurse came in to get vital signs and find Mateo's heartbeat. It took her a while, and I was getting anxious but she found it, strong and perfect as always. I could see relief in Jose's face, but, at this point, I just knew something was wrong. The doctor came in soon after that and things started happening really fast. She only looked at my cervix for a moment, but it was enough to know the news was not good. Jose told me it was after that, that he knew something was terribly wrong. Although, most of the next few hours is something of a blur, I remember her telling us that the bag of water was already coming out my cervix and into my vagina and that we would need to see a high risk doctor right away. At the time, I knew what she meant, but I didnt know what it meant for us or for the baby.
From there, we were taken to a room and told that we would be meeting with the high risk doctor and with someone from the NICU. Jose held my hand and told me he loved me. He asked if I wanted him to call my mom and I told him I did. She told me later that when she got his call, she thought I must have been in an accident or something, that she never would have guessed it was about the baby. I couldnt even talk to her for hours, I knew that I wouldn't have been able to get a word out through the tears. We were taken upstairs to meet with the high risk doctor who performed an ultrasound, confirming what the doctor suspected, an incompetent cervix and pre-term labor. She explained to us what was going on, drew a picture, and gave us our options. She told us that when this is found early on, a cerclage can be placed in the cervix and that 90% of women go on to have a successful pregnancy. The best of the options was having her attempt to put the bag of water back in the uterus and suturing the cervix, however she thought the chance this would go well was about 5% given how far I was dialted. Even if it worked, we needed weeks and weeks, not hours or days, and it seemed that we would be back in this situation sooner than we would be able to handle, regardless of our decision.
Together, we made the choice to let nature take its course. Even if we got a little more time, the chances that he would make it were small and the chances he would have a major disability were almost certain. Jose said that we couldnt put him through that, just because we wanted him so badly. And he was right. Just because we loved and wanted him so much, we still had to do what was best for him and put our own needs aside. I remember crying with every contraction, knowing that it meant we were one contraction closer to the end. Just wishing they would stop, that someone was wrong. I remember keeping my eyes closed just hoping that if I couldn't see what was going on, it wasnt happening. Wishing that I would fall asleep and wake up and that everything would be just a terrible nightmare. But none of that happened.
For some reason, time seemed to be going by so fast, but slow at the same time. Jose didn't leave my side, holding my hand, kissing my forehead, reassuring me that I hadn't done anything to cause what was happening. It was difficult to know that we were there, but not for the happy time it should have been. That we were there welcoming our precious, innocent, perfect son but knowing that he wouldnt be with us for long. That we would have to say goodbye almost as soon as we said hello. They had told us that his skin would be reddish and would look wet. That there was a chance he could be stillborn. That he might make sounds, but that he might not. My biggest concern was that he would struggle or that he would be in pain, but we were reassured that he would not.
We had talked about so many things. What kind of parents we wanted to be, what we wanted to teach our baby. How we wanted to raise him, what we dreamed he would be when he grew up. Whether or not we wanted him circumcised, if we were going to breastfeed. We never talked about what we would do if something like this happened. It was a whirwind of facts, statistics, and decision after decision that we had to make. That we had minutes to make. The pain of the contractions was so intense, mostly in my back. It ached, it burned. I dont know whether I was crying from the physical pain or the pain of knowing we were that much closer to Mateo being born and this pregnancy being over.
My doctor came to see us that evening to talk about what was happening and the decisions we had made and would have to make. After talking to her, I decided to get an epidural, which finally gave me some relief form the physical pain that I had been in for over 24 hours. Several hours later, they told me I need a urinary catheter. I didn't want it. I had to choose between a foley catheter or straight catheter. I didnt want either. I wanted to be left alone. I wanted to be told that they were wrong. Although in some ways, it was a relief that they had told us we could almost certainly have a full-term pregnancy in the future, I wanted THIS baby, not a different one. Soon after my bladder was emptied I could feel that his birth was close. I remember almost trying to hold him in. I just didnt want it to be over.
I told Jose to call the nurse, I could tell he was so flustered. I'm sure he was just as scared as I was. She came in, the doctor came in, and one push later our precious angel was born. Jose cut the umbilical cord and they put him on my chest so that I could hold him. I burst into tears knowing that he was here, far too soon. That there was nothing that could be done. That he would die. That we would have to say goodbye. That it was over. I tried to comfort him, he was so quiet. We told him how much we loved him. His Papa kissed him. We looked at his tiny hands and feet. He had my toes, mouth, and chin. He had his Papa's nose. Everything was so perfectly formed. This wasnt his fault, why did he have to go through this? We were his parents, why couldn't we protect him? I didnt want anyone to see him. I just wanted to keep him safe and protected forever. What if someone thought he looked weird? I would be devastated. Jose told me he knew he was with his mommy and I held him for a long time. Jose held him as well. He was born just before 6:30om and passed away at 7:30pm. After a few hours, we finally gave him to the nurse. We said goodbye for the last time.
And it was over...but at the same time, just beginning...
Mateo's Story
It's been almost two and half weeks since we lost our sweet baby boy. I don't know if I'm ready to tell the whole story, but here's a start...
We found out we were going to be parents on June 20, a day after Father's Day. There were a lot of mixed emotions at first. Jose read the test and his response of "Um, yeah..." explained how both of us were feeling! We hugged, I cried, he told me he was scared. We went to bed.
By the next day though, I think we were both filled with excitement. Although we hadn't been together long, we cared so much for each other, laughed constantly, and enjoyed every moment spent together. We waited anxiously for my first appointment in July. We talked about the baby all the time, it seemed like our only topic of conversation for a while. We broke the news to our families after my first appointment and were relieved that they seemed as excited as we were!
It felt like we were doing everything right. I took my vitamins, went to every doctor's appointment, and stopped eating anything that might harm the baby. We kept track of how the baby was developing every week, every week more amazed at what was happening. Jose started talking to my belly and always said the sweetest things to the baby. I got to hear the heartbeat at my appointments and it was so strong and steady. I remember hearing it at one appointment, so amazed just thinking how perfect it sounded.
Jose catered to all my cravings. Watermelon at first, then a late night banana popsicle run, milk duds - whatever I wanted. He offered back rubs, which for whatever reason, I was disgusted by. I saved a text message he sent me that said, "I think to myself that there is going to be a new person in this world with a little of you and little of me inside them. That's amazing to me when I think about it. I never thought I'd have kids. It makes me want to cry. I love that baby so much already and it's not even here". I remember reading it over and over. He and I went "window shopping" for baby things and looked forward to finding out if our baby was a boy or girl.
In September, I went home to Maine to visit my family. My little sisters couldn't contain their excitement over being aunts. Sophie told me she was sure the baby was a girl, because boys are whiny butts and she didn't think my baby would be a whiny butt. My mom held a baby shower and we were blessed with some beautiful gifts from friends and family. I felt very lucky that day that so many people came together to show their love and support. I was sad to leave and head back to Richmond, but I missed Jose and Cooper!
We waited anxiously for our gender ultrasound on October 20. I had a feeling throughout the pregnancy that it was a boy, even though I think I had been hoping for a girl. It felt like we sat in the waiting room forever! Finally we got called in for the ultrasound, everything seemed to be looking good. Then the technician told us she knew what we were having...a BOY! Jose was obviously so excited. At the end, we learned that everything looked normal, and it was such a relief. We couldn't have been happier that day. We had so much fun buying cute little boy clothes, picking out bedding and trying to decide what color we would paint the nursery. I settled in quickly to the idea of having a little boy. Our sweetheart, Mateo.
My pregnancy had been pretty easy. Although I had had some nausea in the first trimester, the second trimester was going well. A couple days after our gender ultrasound, I started having some back pain. Everyone says it's normal, pregnancy comes with back pain, I didn't think much of it. I remember telling Jose that the pain was making me rather cranky, though! The night of October 27th, a Thursday, I woke up in the middle of the night with pretty severe cramps. I went to the bathroom and everything seemed fine for a little while after. Throughout the night I kept getting cramps and back pain and was generally uncomfortable but again, wrote it off. When I woke up the next day, it was more of the same. I also started realizing that I hadn't felt Mateo move very much. Finally, on my way to work, I called my doctor's office. I got a call back a couple hours later and the nurse reassured me that it was probably round ligament pain. She said that at 22 weeks pregnant there is a lot of stretching going on and that everything I was feeling was normal. She also said that at 22 weeks, most people don't feel much movement and that if he was in a different position than usual, I might not feel much. It was something of a relief to hear, but I really just had this sinking feeling that something was wrong. I brushed it aside. During my shift at work, I had some pretty bad cramps and almost a burning back pain. By midnight, when my shift was over, I called the on-call doctor to explain what was happening and to see if I should be concerned. She said that although it was probably nothing serious, she thought I should go to the ER. I told Jose and we decided that we would meet at the hospital.
It had been a long time since I had been to an emergency room. Never in my adult life, and never alone. I started getting checking in before Jose got there. I remember when I told my symptoms to the man at the desk he seemed quite concerned. I read what he wrote under the presenting concerns section "possible pre-term labor" and thought, that's ridiculous! We got checked in and I was wheeled up to the second floor. We sat together in a triage room making each other laugh.
A nurse came in to get vital signs and find Mateo's heartbeat. It took her a while, and I was getting anxious but she found it, strong and perfect as always. I could see relief in Jose's face, but, at this point, I just knew something was wrong. The doctor came in soon after that and things started happening really fast. She only looked at my cervix for a moment, but it was enough to know the news was not good. Jose told me it was after that, that he knew something was terribly wrong. Although, most of the next few hours is something of a blur, I remember her telling us that the bag of water was already coming out my cervix and into my vagina and that we would need to see a high risk doctor right away. At the time, I knew what she meant, but I didnt know what it meant for us or for the baby.
From there, we were taken to a room and told that we would be meeting with the high risk doctor and with someone from the NICU. Jose held my hand and told me he loved me. He asked if I wanted him to call my mom and I told him I did. She told me later that when she got his call, she thought I must have been in an accident or something, that she never would have guessed it was about the baby. I couldnt even talk to her for hours, I knew that I wouldn't have been able to get a word out through the tears. We were taken upstairs to meet with the high risk doctor who performed an ultrasound, confirming what the doctor suspected, an incompetent cervix and pre-term labor. She explained to us what was going on, drew a picture, and gave us our options. She told us that when this is found early on, a cerclage can be placed in the cervix and that 90% of women go on to have a successful pregnancy. The best of the options was having her attempt to put the bag of water back in the uterus and suturing the cervix, however she thought the chance this would go well was about 5% given how far I was dialted. Even if it worked, we needed weeks and weeks, not hours or days, and it seemed that we would be back in this situation sooner than we would be able to handle, regardless of our decision.
Together, we made the choice to let nature take its course. Even if we got a little more time, the chances that he would make it were small and the chances he would have a major disability were almost certain. Jose said that we couldnt put him through that, just because we wanted him so badly. And he was right. Just because we loved and wanted him so much, we still had to do what was best for him and put our own needs aside. I remember crying with every contraction, knowing that it meant we were one contraction closer to the end. Just wishing they would stop, that someone was wrong. I remember keeping my eyes closed just hoping that if I couldn't see what was going on, it wasnt happening. Wishing that I would fall asleep and wake up and that everything would be just a terrible nightmare. But none of that happened.
For some reason, time seemed to be going by so fast, but slow at the same time. Jose didn't leave my side, holding my hand, kissing my forehead, reassuring me that I hadn't done anything to cause what was happening. It was difficult to know that we were there, but not for the happy time it should have been. That we were there welcoming our precious, innocent, perfect son but knowing that he wouldnt be with us for long. That we would have to say goodbye almost as soon as we said hello. They had told us that his skin would be reddish and would look wet. That there was a chance he could be stillborn. That he might make sounds, but that he might not. My biggest concern was that he would struggle or that he would be in pain, but we were reassured that he would not.
We had talked about so many things. What kind of parents we wanted to be, what we wanted to teach our baby. How we wanted to raise him, what we dreamed he would be when he grew up. Whether or not we wanted him circumcised, if we were going to breastfeed. We never talked about what we would do if something like this happened. It was a whirwind of facts, statistics, and decision after decision that we had to make. That we had minutes to make. The pain of the contractions was so intense, mostly in my back. It ached, it burned. I dont know whether I was crying from the physical pain or the pain of knowing we were that much closer to Mateo being born and this pregnancy being over.
My doctor came to see us that evening to talk about what was happening and the decisions we had made and would have to make. After talking to her, I decided to get an epidural, which finally gave me some relief form the physical pain that I had been in for over 24 hours. Several hours later, they told me I need a urinary catheter. I didn't want it. I had to choose between a foley catheter or straight catheter. I didnt want either. I wanted to be left alone. I wanted to be told that they were wrong. Although in some ways, it was a relief that they had told us we could almost certainly have a full-term pregnancy in the future, I wanted THIS baby, not a different one. Soon after my bladder was emptied I could feel that his birth was close. I remember almost trying to hold him in. I just didnt want it to be over.
I told Jose to call the nurse, I could tell he was so flustered. I'm sure he was just as scared as I was. She came in, the doctor came in, and one push later our precious angel was born. Jose cut the umbilical cord and they put him on my chest so that I could hold him. I burst into tears knowing that he was here, far too soon. That there was nothing that could be done. That he would die. That we would have to say goodbye. That it was over. I tried to comfort him, he was so quiet. We told him how much we loved him. His Papa kissed him. We looked at his tiny hands and feet. He had my toes, mouth, and chin. He had his Papa's nose. Everything was so perfectly formed. This wasnt his fault, why did he have to go through this? We were his parents, why couldn't we protect him? I didnt want anyone to see him. I just wanted to keep him safe and protected forever. What if someone thought he looked weird? I would be devastated. Jose told me he knew he was with his mommy and I held him for a long time. Jose held him as well. He was born just before 6:30om and passed away at 7:30pm. After a few hours, we finally gave him to the nurse. We said goodbye for the last time.
And it was over...but at the same time, just beginning...
It's so true that no one really knows what you're going through, unless they have been through it as well. I actually used this forum a lot when we first found out and never thought I'd be posting in this section. As cliche as it sounds, if our story helps one person, then it's worth telling. 
and 
