Lost and so confused

[kam78]

I am so very new to this and have no idea how or why I stumbled across this website but I noticed as I read thru some of the other posts, I slowly felt a lil comfort from the words from the other woman that are unfortunately in my same situation...
I have been apart from my angel, Emma Gail for 5 long, horrible days now and I do not see any improvement, I actually feel worse as time passes and wondered if that was "normal"? My doctor asked me if these thoughts consumed my day and I just laughed at him and said " who doesn't think or feel totally consumed when you loss a child?"
My Emma was born at 19 weeks and 4 days and find myself feel a sting of aggervation when I hear someone call her a miscarriage or act as if she wasn't a real person YET... When she was born she was completely formed and was the most beautiful lil girl , weighing a big 8.7oz and 6in long she was my precious baby, not a group of bloody cells (That's my vision of a early miscarriage) ..I do not know at all that is just my vision... I have also noticed that the more I speak of her or do things for her I feel better, I feel as if no one will forget her or over look her cuz that is one of my biggest fears.. She will NOT be forgotten..
I'm sure this is very scattered or random, not polished but like I said I have never done this before & thought I'd give it a shot...
Thanks so much for listening and I too pray that peace and comfort subsides in you as well.... XOXO

 

[mrscookie]

I'm so very sorry for your loss xxxxxx

 

[SassyLou]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter Emma Gail.

Five days is a really short time hun, of course you'll feel like this. For some of the ladies on here its been quite a few years and of course they still hurt and have days consumed with their loss. Its been 2 months today since we lost Archie and to be honest very little has improved, I think I've learnt to smile and say I'm ok to those who just don't get it, but other than that I still wake up and for a split second everythings ok and then I remember and immediately feel sick!

I think the term miscarriage is awful too, although when I did have a miscarriage at 8 weeks that was incredibly painful mentally too and still can be, it would have been the baby that I miscarried's due date on Monday next week and I'm dreading it.

Sending lots of love and hugs,

Sarah xxx

 

[liloleme]

I lost my son 2 weeks ago, I think whatever you feel is normal for you and although its hard try not to question it I think we just have to go with the flow because everyone grieves in their own way. I felt worse as the days go on but I think thats just getting over the initial shock (I had no indications anything was wrong until a routine antenatal) and realising that he really was gone. I'm finding it easier to take it an hour at a time rather than a day.
I'm so sorry for you loss and like you I stumbled across this website and it does give me some comfort. xxxxx

 

[kam78]

Thank you ladies... Your words help me so very much... I am truly heartbroken for your losses as well as mine ...

 

[Andypanda6570]

I am so sorry, God this hurts so much I lost my angel also and I just am heartbroken, i know how you feel. If you ever need to talk i am around.
I am so deeply sorry

 

[kfpavel]

I would like to say I'm very sorry for your loss. We have all been through it. I lost my son Landon 3 months ago yesterday and its still really hard. I often feel guilty like its somehow my fault and if only.......thats my biggest problem right now. And I look at my other sons and think of what Landon couldve looked like. It will get easier but know that we are here to help you get through this hard time in your life.
~Katie

 

[kam78]

I am dealing with the guilt as well, She was perfectly healthy and fine.... "I" was the one that got the infection thru out my membranes and amniotic fluid... "I" was the one that had the incompetant cervix... "I" was the one that just couldn't hold off labor... My poor baby didn't have a choice, I felt like her lil body fought hard but I didn't do enough... I done this to her ... Everything I do I think of her with me, just doing laundry today I had a melt down thinking I'll never get to do her's ... Making breakfast for my other children, crying cuz I'll never make her's... I sat down in my rocking chair today & immediately got up cuz it hurt too much, I instantly thought I'll never get to rock her... There are times I hear her cry at night, it's so real & loud it wakes me from sleep & I go into the room that was going to be her nursery, only to find it completely empty... I find solace in the last ultrasound picture I gotten of her, which was taken a 4 days before she was taken from me, it is a 4D ultrasound, and she has her hands covering her face & eyes & you can see her pouting.... I absolutely love that picture of her & that is how I remember her & think of her.. The pictures the nurses took for me after she was born are just too painful to look at right now, so I locked them up into our home safe, until I'm ready for those... I try so hard to keep myself busy or occupied with other chores or duties and my friends always ask if I need anything, I have an amazing support system, but I am finding myself pushing everyone away.. I beg everyone to just give me time & do not call or visit yet, Does anyone else feel that way? That makes everyone worry even more about me & worry that I am sli[pping into a depression but I just dont wanna see or talk to anyone or even leave the house yet... I keep reminding everyone it's only been 5 days... Thanks again for listening, not even sure if anyone was, and that's ok... This seemed to help a lot.. : ) Thanks so much.....

 

[MaevesMummy]

I am so very new to this and have no idea how or why I stumbled across this website but I noticed as I read thru some of the other posts, I slowly felt a lil comfort from the words from the other woman that are unfortunately in my same situation...
I have been apart from my angel, Emma Gail for 5 long, horrible days now and I do not see any improvement, I actually feel worse as time passes and wondered if that was "normal"? My doctor asked me if these thoughts consumed my day and I just laughed at him and said " who doesn't think or feel totally consumed when you loss a child?"
My Emma was born at 19 weeks and 4 days and find myself feel a sting of aggervation when I hear someone call her a miscarriage or act as if she wasn't a real person YET... When she was born she was completely formed and was the most beautiful lil girl , weighing a big 8.7oz and 6in long she was my precious baby, not a group of bloody cells (That's my vision of a early miscarriage) ..I do not know at all that is just my vision... I have also noticed that the more I speak of her or do things for her I feel better, I feel as if no one will forget her or over look her cuz that is one of my biggest fears.. She will NOT be forgotten..
I'm sure this is very scattered or random, not polished but like I said I have never done this before & thought I'd give it a shot...
Thanks so much for listening and I too pray that peace and comfort subsides in you as well.... XOXO

Lots of love to you Emma was just perfect, and she had a name, she wasnt a Miscarriage she was your baby. I think alot of Women feel as you do, I did and have made attempts to do something about it.
For many months I was consumed, Even now, I think about my little girl all the time. The thing is this is natural once you are a Mummy, your children come first. All your feelings are normal, try to take each day gently, one at a time and dont put too much pressure on yourself hun.
Thinking of you and Emma, lots of love
Kelly
xxxxxxxxxxx

 

[FunToRun]

Big hugs for you hun My thoughts are with you X

 

[Jox]

so very sorry for your loss of your little girl

Even now, nearly 15 months later thoughts of my precious little boy consume me most days. I must think of him every hour that passes by. i dont see when or how that will ever change.

I hope the days pass gently for you x

 

[kam78]

That's what I was wondering... Will I eventually stop thinking of her every second of the day? I really do NOT see how I am going to go back to work... I have a wonderful doctor and he said he is going to give me as long as I need, up to 6 weeks, but after that, I don't know if and how I am going to be able to function outside this quiet lil sanctary I have gotten myself into ... Did any of you go back to "normal life" ...work, school, etc.. after your loss and how was it? I'm scared to death to even think about it... The thought of leaving the house, feels like I'm leaving her, forgetting her, moving on withouth her and I do NOT wanna ever do that... Thanks so much everyone! You have been so kind and helpful...

 

[Jox]

i went back to work 8 weeks after my son was born. I had already gone on mat leave and wasnt supposed to be going back till october but found myself having to go back in march it was horrible. I cried outside the office when i first got there but you have to manage. You have to take one day at a time.

I dont think of kasper every second any more but i do every hour. For the 1st 7 months we visited his grave everyday. in the 1st 2 months we went 2/3 times a day. and now we got ever 2/3 days (everyday if its sunny ) You just do what ever you have to do to get you thru each day x

 

[kam78]

Thank you for your help... Another question to anyone....

How long is best to wait to try to conceive again? I am just thinking... Nothing for sure, I wanna wait to give my body time to heal and time to grieve but was just wondering .. I think I want to try again but scared to death I can't carry a baby to 40 weeks.. I can't go thru this again... I also will have my doctor do a lengthy exam and all tests posible to make sure my cervix can even think about trying..... Thanks loves

 

[Jox]

for me, we decided to TTC again straight away and actually conceived without period between my angels birth and my BFP. I will amdit now that maybe i wasnt ready emotionally but it happened quicker than i thought it was. My Rainbow then had to be delivered at 34 weeks meaning there is only 8months and 11 days between my boys.

The decision to TTC again is a very personal one. Everyone is very different and feel different things. Im glad i have my rainbow here now but the pregnancy was VERY stressful x

 

[kam78]

Guess I am just terrified ... Gonna take that step very slowly ... but I think I would absolutely love to try again if my doctor gives me the "go ahead".. : )

 

[Jollybean]

i'm so sorry. It wasn't your fault though hun. If there was anything you could have done for her, you would have. I'm sure of that. X

 

[kam78]

Yes, that is for sure.... I would have done and still would do anything to have her with me... Others keep telling me, "She's in a better place." which yea she is BUT ... I'm being very selfish right now and want her all to myself : )
I soooo appreciate everyone's input and advise and just reading your kind words , i find such great comfort!

 

[MaevesMummy]

Lots of love to you, there are no rights or wrongs as far as work and TTC are concerned.
I went back to work after a month, I couldnt concentrate, but I felt getting out of the house helped. Slowly it became a welcome distraction, I felt like I had a purpose, as at home I dwelled on my own guilt, I felt useless and a failure.
It was too soon though....

No one told us not to TTC but I kind of knew it was coming (I have APS and suspected so since week 10 of pregnancy with Maeve). We just wanted to have another baby, I dont even like the term "Trying again" as we already had a baby...
I fell pregnant quickly this time compared to last and I had a positive test Christmas Eve...
Some people advise you wait untill all the tests come back.
Its all so personal though xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[MrsWez]

I lost a little girl at 20 weeks due to an IC. It is still very hard and raw for me 7 years later. Like you, I live with the guilt of knowing it was my body that failed her. She was healthy but I wasn't. I also had to deal with the hospital referring to her as a "late term miscarriage" or a "fetus" because she didn't weigh enough. I wanted to slap that Dr. But Avalon is still my first baby and I love her and mourn her everyday. It doesn't get easier or better, it just becomes easier to deal with. I hope that makes sense. She has a flower garden and I have a few pieces of jewelry with her name on it. I wish I had pictures or a certificate to remember her by as well.

I didn't have to worry about TTC as Avalon's father and I split up shortly after her passing and it was a while before I meet my DH. We had fertility issues and losses before getting pregnant this time. I do have to have a cervical cerclage placed at 14 weeks for this and any other pregnancy because of my cervix. It's a quick procedure and they will just need to check you more frequently to make sure baby stays put.