LTTC stolen your identity?

[HearMyPrayers]

Anyone else feel like LTTC has turned you into someone you dont even recognize anymore?

When DH and I started this journey I was already told prior to trying that I had PCOS, so I knew once we were ready to try we would need assistance so the majority of our TTC has been through a FS. After my initial BW and ultrasound with the FS I was told I do not have PCOS that it must have reversed itself not even sure if this is possible! however after all our tests and surgeries we've been diagnosed with unexplained infertility. So I went into this thinking PCOS ok we can handle this some clomid/femera and we will start ovulating and we will get pregnant! But I did not expect unexplained infertility. I feel like the entire process has stolen a part of me, maybe not so much stolen but its holding a part of me hostage. I want to be the same person I was 17 months ago, I want to feel carefree again, I want to feel stressfree, I want to feel optimistic again! This whole thing has stolen a part of my life and its not fair, its like a black cloud that always follows me.

Its a lonely process it really is.

Sorry thats my little complaint for the day!

 

[xxshellsxx]

It is a long and lonely process and speaking out about it here is a good way to stop bottling things up. I wish i'd had somewhere like this years ago when i was in that place x A lot of it for me was acceptance of the situation which didn't come easily and took many years. I'm now in a great place and which ever direction my life takes i'm happy with - Career, own business and care free... or baby and family life.... either is fine for me. I will still give it 100% of what i have to have a family, but it no longer consumes my every waking moment x

Once you find that acceptance in yourself and carve a second path should you need it, it can get easier, give yourself time xxx

 

[Fizzyfefe]

Oh, absolutely. I don't even recognize myself. I am a horrible, angry, jealous, pessimistic, and generally unhappy person. I don't even like being in my own head anymore. And, it doesn't help that not a single person in real life understands these feelings.

I'm so sorry you're going through LTTTC, HearMyPrayers. Wish there was something that someone could say to make you feel better.

 

[nikkz89]

yep i know how you feel been trying 6 years and its still not happened it gets me so down, honestly dont no how ive coped but i have, im trying ovarian drilling next and im hoping and praying this works, all the best and i hope you get that bfp soon x

 

[wannabemummyb]

Yep totally get it! Three years down the line and my worst fears since I was a kid feel like they might come true ( not having my own family/kids).

I hate that i can't even be happy for my litte brother (21) who will be a daddy for the first tome soon! I hate that i feel jealous of people with babies or bumps and i hate that sex just isn't the same anymore!

It is a lonely journey, even if you have an awesome husband and great friends (cyber and real)

 

[PinkPeony]

I totally feel like that. I find I'm insulating myself because so many things get me down now and I'm always just trying to keep my head above water. Was away with a group of friends last weekend and DH said I was like a shadow. I was barely talking and always trying to avoid everyone. That's not me! I used to be so carefree and bubbly.

I actually set up an appointment for counseling. It's something I've felt like I needed for a while now but couldn't get up the nerve to do it. But enough is enough - I'm hoping she can tell me how to be normal again!

 

[DESPONDENT]

You ladies are my saving grace...just when I feel completely and utterly alone in this journey and the agony that comes with it, I come here and realise I am not alone. I feel ever so grateful to have found you all!!!
I can also relate to each and every one of you. I feel like this is breaking me bit by bit day by day. I too am not the person I used to me -TTC is on my mind 24/7 and literally every minute, it has consumed my life Absolutely nobody knows about our journey and the act to pretend like everyhting is peachy all the time and we are "not ready for kids yet" is excruciating and exhausting! but I guess its the lesser of two evils as constantly being asked "are you pregnanat yet" would be far worse!!
We've been TTC for 2 years (on and off) now and nothing, never had a BFP Been through 3 failed IUI cycles in the past 5 months - have a feeling the dr was timing my ovulation and trigger shots incorrectly so always had my doubts but hey I

 

[DESPONDENT]

*sorry i pressed enter a bit too quickly there lol * continued...


..he tried. I am currently at my wits end cos I am in total denial about the fact that we may have to go onto IVF. We are trying to get an appointment with another fertility specialist who can only see us in May so I guess we are on a break. I had an inconclusive hsg (the procedure was possibly not performed correctly) and suppose the next step will be a lap to see whats going on down there and how we can proceed....well thats my sad story.

Best of luck ladies on your journeys!!! babay dust to all

 

[wellsk]

Hugs ladies!
I can totally sympathise! I know exactly how you feel. I used to be really happy, positive cheerful and had time for everyone and their problems. Since TTC I've become insanely bitter and cynical and just a wreck! DH and I never fought beforehand, it's become such a problem that he almost walked out on me!

He said the other day that he felt that he was just someone I could shout at and use as a sperm donor

It makes me so sad that he feels that way. I love him so much, and I want to be happy and back to my old self. It's like grieving for a loss every single day.

 

[HearMyPrayers]

It breaks my heart that we all can relate to each other in the same way. I literally feel the same way as each of you lovely ladies. The more I research and read the more depressed I get. We have 3 IUI cycles left and if they dont work its down to IVF. Now what I've read about IVF especially in Toronto, ON is I'm basically left to pay the whopping $10,000-$15,000 all on our own. Work benefits insurance company will cover a small portion of meds but thats it! I'm being realistic when I say it will be a LOOONG time mixed with a little bit of a miracle for us to come up with that money, but to think we might need to try 2-3 times.....I know it won't happen there is no way we could afford it. Its all sooo discouraging especially when the countries we live in offer little to no support on the IVF front or the entire LTTTC people at all! Its sad sad sad. So overall I've just become all consuming in this world of hormone pills, shots, ultrasounds, blood work, forced sex, 2 weeks of over analyzing every single symptom down to convincing myself that the smallest common everyday thing could possibly be a pregnancy symptoms only to POAS and be slapped in the face for even slightly getting my hopes for 1 second and at that point I feel the whole world is laughing at me.

What a life! lol

 

[PinkPeony]

I'm at that spot now too. After 4 failed IUI's (last one only had a washed count of 900,000) it's pretty clear that we have to move onto IVF. I'm in Toronto too so I'll be shelling out $15,000 or so. The thing that scares me most is the thought that it may not work and all of that goes right down the drain. I'm meeting with my FS later this month to have the big IVF talk. I'm so beat down at this point I don't feel excited, I expect things to fail after everything failing so far. It's such a negative mindset and everything just scares me. I'm more afraid of my own emotions than any procedure or drugs.

 

[new_to_this]

Yep, I know this feeling well.

I had some counselling - CBT and it really helped. I felt like I was completely loosing the plot, I was so angry and snappy and I ended up really hating myself. The CBT has helped a lot, I'm not back to my usual self entirely - still have good and bad days but it did help me to value what I do have. Also it helped to not obsess about a perfect image of being pregnant and all my dreams being solved overnight!!

I also found that thinking about what I enjoyed doing before TTC and doing that helped. I had got myself into a place where I stopped doing a lot of what I enjoyed and it was self-defeating.

Hope this helps and hang in there, you will get there!

 

[plpixie]

I have been lucky enough to have been blessed with 2 children.... but sadly, it doesn't change my drive, want or need to expand my family. For 3 years I have gotten pregnant and lost 5 babies for "unexplained reasons". I have "quit trying" at least a dozen times, only to realistically be thinking about it ALL the time.

It is beyond frusterating and angering when something "so natural" is taken out of your hands and control. Especially when it is "unexplained"! What does that mean!!! In this day and age we can do so much with medical intervention, but we can't figure out some issues with pregnancy! Sheesh.

Wow.... that was a very harsh rant but it does feel good to talk about it/express it.

Thank you for sharing everyone; it means a lot, and it helps.