Making that decision....

[beegray]

I am SO glad I found this section! My dh and I have been up and down about this decision for awhile. We have 1 little girl who turns 4 this June. It took us 3 years and 1 miscarriage before I fell pregnant with her. Then I had an absolute terrible pregnancy, was sick as a dog till 18 weeks then developed gallstones and started having attacks at 21 weeks which went from once a week too 4-5 times daily by 35 weeks. Couldn't eat anything because it would trigger the attack and I would end up in hospital. 35 weeks went into preterm Labour because the pains were so bad they were causing contractions. They stopped that. 37 weeks admitted into hospital for full time monitoring. Induced at 38 weeks, emergency c-section and then she ended up with extreme reflux where every feed would all come up... so that's a quick back story into my first introduction into parenthood! So much fun! I had people telling me that don't worry no.2 will be different. And by the time dd is 2 you will be ready.... she's almost 4 and I still don't like the idea of having another one. I started getting broody a couple months ago. My friend runs the school my daughter goes too and she ended up pregnant and all the old feelings and emotions of ttc came rushing back (I have PCOS and we have been not trying not preventing since dd was born). This really woke me up to the realization of the fact that the age gap that we were thinking about initially was running out and quickly. Despite my friends pregnancy when I had a positive test last month I completely freaked out. I went into full panic mode. When I did the second test and it came out negative I was relieved. I thought that had really put to bed how I felt. It wasn't until a couple days later when I was waiting for my period to arrive i was asked by my friend to come in and help look after a 4 month old for a couple hours at the school that my mind was then pretty set. For 4 hours I was reminded of why I was finally happy... I had just started my in business, my dh had changed careers and was now traveling to Singapore for work (we South African). He was gone most of the time and I started to enjoy my me time.... I was becoming very selfish. We planning a second honeymoon to Thailand and planning renovations on the house. I am finally since we first got married am planning and enjoying a life outside of just thinking of babies and children and being a mom. I started the pill on this cycle and having some side effects but I'm hoping will go once my body is used to the hormones. The decision to go into the pill was an easy one. Made quickly and happily. My mind is set.... however my dh still wants another one... not now but maybe next year and my dd is now starting to ask. She's not lonely. She plays beautifully by herself, shes a strong confident independent and fun little girl! We have a group of friends who's kids all go to the same school as dd and are the same age. My one friends son and dd have a brother sister relationship going already...fight like cat and dog but will fight for each other when one is in trouble...and cause all kinds of chaos together too. So now how do I tell my dh that my mind is made up. How do I tell my dd who is now asking that mommy just doesn't want to have another baby, honestly will she really be that lonely? I start having panic attacks just thinking about going through the whole thing again! Especially if I am by myself most of the time with dh being away. I get that we have to come to this decision together but I just can't. Do I suck it up and start preparing mentally to do this again? Or do I just stand my ground and say no? No more not ever? Just don't know what to do.

 

[JessyG]

Hello! I would say having children for someone else will not end well. Of course you will love them but that doesnt mean you have to want more. I feel completely content with one but i have so many feelings of guilt that i am depriving her of a sibling that she will be lonely etc. She isnt yet and i intend to make sure she isnt in the future (although i think everyone feels lonely at some time in life and thats fairly normal)

As for being 'selfish' i feel exactly the same as you. I have finally after 3 years starting to do stuff for me and am starting to feel like a person and not just a mum which i think is how it should be. Also its your life and you have to live it how you want.

I only ever wanted one and was swayed slightly by my partner wh has always wanted two. Now he still wants two but completely understands my reason for not and say he would never push that decision on me as thats not a healthy.

What you went through to get pregnant is enough to put anyone off and then to have a difficuly pregnancy and baby stage is no walk in the park. Do what you want, your daughter will not grow up selfish and lonely. Being an only child doesnt automatically make her 'the weird kid' in class (I have been told this by numerous people!) I would just tell you husband its just not something you want and try to explain to him all the positives of having a small family. I did this and my partner has come around to my way of thinking. X

 

[beegray]

Thanks for the reply! I had always wanted two and then going through what we did I just didn't come round to the idea again. I got broody at one stage but when it came to crunch time I realised how I really felt about another baby. I did tell him this but he seems to think we will still have another one when things calm down. He's away on training for work and gets back in two days. Then will be home for a week and then off to Singapore for 2-3 months! Our lives with always be hectic because of his job and I really do enjoy it. It's such a change of pace to the normal 9-5 we both used to have. I enjoy the lifestyle and the me time I get from it. DD goes to a new school next year which is crazy expensive (but best school in the area) and I shudder to think what we will be paying out for two of them at that school. We can afford it but (here goes the cringer) it's an unnecessary expense. We could use hat money on doing other things, holidays with DD around the world. Give her the life we never had. At least we will be able to do that with one child. Maybe I should put it this way to him. With one we are able to give her more than what we ever had ourselves. With two we will again be financially strapped tight and unable to do all these things. Will chat to him when he gets back from training. Maybe he will eeee it from my point of view.

 

[krissie328]

Your story sounds so much like mine. We were ltttc for 8 years! When we finally got pregnant it was easy enough but riddled with bleeding, gestational diabetes, and numerous scans to check for blood flow issues and growth. It was seriously the most stressful 9 months. Delivery was pretty textbook at least. But then we had to adjust from 9 years of just us two to a family of 3. We struggled and ended up in marriage counseling. And to be honest I hated the infant stage. The thought of going through it again about gives me a panic attack.

Fast forward to now. We stopped preventing when ds was 4 months old, I've done 9 rounds of fertility meds and we've had 2 losses. I finally joked with dh about having an 'only'. To my surprise he seemed fairly open to the idea. So that set me on a mission to research the pros and cons. We discussed at length what would be best for us and ds. In the end we decided we can be pretty good parents to one. The extra stresses and money of having a second did not fit what we saw for our futures.

Some days I feel selfish because my motivations are thinking of me. But I believe if I'm happier and healthier then I am a better mom to ds and that is more important to me than adding a sibling for him. We've been blessed that he had a cousin that's 3.5 months younger that he often sees. Also, he will be starting preschool next year at a local private school and we can afford to send him through high school there. With 2 we could not.

It's such a personal decision, but I would recommend making a pros and cons list and really discussing with dh what you need and see for your future. I don't think men understand the trauma it takes to grow and deliver a baby. Then all the energy it takes to make it through the infant and toddler stage. It's comparatively easy for (most) men.