MIL/Grandparent support thread

[LannieDuck]

Honestly I just felt so be-littled by it all and just wanted them out my home without an arguement and best way was to get on with it. I told mil that her son does nothing and there isn't enough hours in the day for me to look after the kids, do housework, do school runs and work and she just ignored me. Dh told his dad word for word 'it's my fault I'm to lazy and don't pull my finger out and then I want do things to prove a point and he won't do it instead just wind me up'. But of course their precious son can't do wrong!
Dh has never stuck up for himself in regards to his parents, and it pisses me off no end.
The other reason I just got on with it is because they have said they will call social services on me before when I hadn't put dd hair up cause it looked messy! I honestly shit myself constantly that they will call ss for no reason! I know there wouldn't be any sort of case but still.
Iv stood up to them before over other various shit they have done over the years but she's a very powerful person and controls everyone around her and us. She is a two face fat fukin whore I hate her I really do and I never use the word hate. Iv tried cutting them out our lives but dh says its unfair not to let her see her grandchildren.
Iv never been so humiliated in all my life until last night and wish I could of found the strength to tell her to fuk off, but last night I just couldn't. She's called me this morning and from the tone of my voice could tell I was pissed off, I told her I'm tired and ds is poorly and I'm not leaving him screaming to do sodding washing or hoovering it can wait my kids need me more. She was all nicey nicey saying well ill have the kids tomorrow night so you can got out for our wedding anniversary, and iv brought you a new stroller as you said in general conversation you would like one to keep in the car, and I picked up your paper work last night and shredded it for you!
That's the problems she's vile and controlling one minute and then up your arse the next it makes your head spin.
Oh no we don't rent off them. Apprently they are just trying to help and if we're struggling just need to ask for help. Yeah cause that what I need his mother comin over to wipe his arse for him. All she's ever done is do everything for him so no wonder he never does it now.

That sounds like an abusive relationship to me. Belitteling you one minute and being all nicey-nicey the next so you feel bad at being angry. Would you take that from your DH? Almost certainly not (I hope!), so why do you take it from his parents.

If he won't stand up to them, you need to. My vote would be to have the argument with her. Let her know how upset you were about last night and how they have no right to come into your house and criticise like that. Tell them how hurt your DH was about them forgetting his birthday.

And then have a couple of weeks of no contact.

Edit: Incidentally, why are you still discussing your housework with your MIL on the phone? Just tell her its none of her business.

And WTH is she doing with your paperwork??

 

[ValentinesGal]

Holy Crap! Wow, how manipulative of them and DH not standing up for you! I agree with the other ladies...and threatening to call CPS? WTH?!?!? I would go ape-shit on anybody that dared to threaten me with false allegations to try to get my children taken away and THOSE people would NEVER see them again regardless if it was family! They need a reality check and need to not be allowed in your home or near your child as long as that is going on and that behavior shouldn't be tolerated. It's bullying and demeaning and it needs to stop or else they will always have control over your life. Be strong hun!

 

[MizzDeeDee]

AmethystDream
Accept nothing. No baby sitting (we take care of the baby!), no pram (we even had to buy the baby's pram!)...

As if what they did to you last night wasn't enough, they threatened to call social services because of messy hair? Sorry but you f**ing what?! That right there is a cut off. How dare they?!

Hun, get angry. Please. I'm begging you, stop allowing these people and that woman to control you and abuse you. Social services? You know what, feck it. Ring them yourselves. Tell them that your Inlaws have threatened to call them because DH didn't do the dishes and LO's hair was messy and you want it on file. You want it to be known that any call they make is ridiculous. Even if you tell social services how scared it made you.. they will comfort you and tell you how ridiculous it was.

So they humiliate and bully you but then play nicey nicey? Their way of controlling you, making you beholden to them and stopping you from finally having enough and snapping.

Put an end to it, last night should be the last straw. The very last straw. I hope DH stands up for you today because if he didn't I'd be kicking him out.

I am so angry for you. Stand up for yourself and DS, leave DH to take care of himself... not that he needs to. He can do no wrong, huh?

EVERY.SINGLE.BIT.OF.THIS.

This made me VERY angry reading this. Who do they think they are? I would do what AmethystDream wrote and call SS FIRST and tell them she is threatening you with these RIDICULOUS threats. I would also cut them off too. No excuse for that.. none.

This is your HOME, your CHILD, and your HUSBAND. They.. and HER especially, need to back off. Your husband also needs to put his foot down and stand up for you and your family... and FFS, he needs to stop being so damn lazy! He should have stood up to his parents and told them to mind their own damn business...among other things.

Your in-laws aren't just trying to help, they are trying to control you. I implore you as well to get angry and put an end to this.

 

[Rockell8788]

Thanks ladies it really helped me to vent on here and hear others agree that I'm not a bad mum and that my thoughts on her being a controlling moo are true.
Iv talked with dh about how she made me feel this evening and he agreed it was wrong of them to behave the way they did, but it has pissed him off enough to pull his weight more, it also transpires that dh was actually loading the dishwasher when his dad arrived, but because his dad doesn't agree with putting kids plastic bowls ect in there it spark a row between them which prompted wicked bitch of the west to come storming over!
Dh is going to have words with her tomorrow about the whole situation and is telling her next time she I bothered by how we live our lives or th fact we have washing to do or a spot of hoovering but don't to just call sodding social services and were see what they say shall we.
I'm still angry and have ignored all calls since this am because I can't be fooked with her anymore, as far as I'm concerned she doesn't exist anymore. If dh still wants contact with her fine I can't and won't stop that but I want nothing to do with her. Iv spoken to my close friends and all 3 of them was in total shock and can't believe she did that last night, or that my home is filthy. all regularly come over and have said its always really clean with exception of the usual household pile of dirty washing that I'm half way through doing or some washing up from breakfast.
When I told her about the housework on the phone she didn't mention anything it was the first thing I said to her as a point, basically saying you don't control me, no-one controls me

 

[AmethystDream]

I am very glad that you are distancing yourself, they felt far too entitled to walk into your home and do what they did. It's none of their fecking business and it is not their house.

I do have a suggestion or two though. Call their bluff. Tell them you were so upset by what they did that you rang social services and they were disgusted by what they did to you and assured you that if they found a few dirty dishes and messy hair it would be treated as a malicious call (exactly what they would say, as it happens).

Then you teach DH how to respond. They bring up housework/dishes/just trying to help?

"That is none of your business, it is our home, not yours."
"Our home is nothing to do with you."
"This is not your concern."
"I will not be discussing this with you."
"We have this covered."

Be vague, be blunt. It doesn't matter how much they ask, how much they have temper tantrums like a toddler, just keep repeating.

So the housework? "That doesn't concern you" I want to know about it "It is none of your business" We are only trying to help! "When you inflict help upon someone that is neither wanted nor needed, it ceases to be helpful and becomes selfish."

It will piss her off no end, that's even if you decide to speak to her. Don't justify anything. Don't JADE. Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain. It is none of her business, you don't tell her that your child is ill and needs your attention or that you are busy or that DH isn't pulling his weight. You stick to the ultimate truth of the matter.

That is none of your business and I won't discuss it with you. Ever.

 

[moomin_troll]

Wow!
What a totally bitch and I can't believe ur oh just stood there and let his parents talk to u like that, if my own mother said that to me she'd be out my door more then likely with a slap round her face and she would never see me or my children again.

My house is never dirty, always clean but cluttered lol..like my lovely pile of clean clothes on my chair that I need to put away.

I hope ur oh grows a pair and actually does talk to his parents and puts them straight

 

[ValentinesGal]

How is everyone doing?? Hope things are going well for you all

 

[moomin_troll]

I'm still mil less so I'm great hahaha
How ru?

 

[BrokenfoREVer]

Kay, so I need to vent!

Monday night I stayed at my mums house with Joshy (thats a whoooole other rant) & we're stood over Joshys cot when we went to bed & my mum is going on & on about what a chilled out baby Joshy is & how she thinks he should be all nuerotic & stressy cos of my pregnancy & how the reason he's so chilled is all down to her letting my move home 2 months before he was born. Nothing to do with me, or my mental state or anything, all down to her

Then she pipes up with (since Joshy was laid on his tummy, cos he can roll over now) 'y'know, I'm been biting my lip for 6 months about you putting him down on his back. I was so scared he would be sick & choke cos you wouldn't put him on his front'

What the actual hell!

Yes, cos I would deliberatly put my son's life in danger by following medical advice! All the way through my pregnancy I explained about SIDS & putting babies to sleep on their backs & I had thought that, like everything else she battled me about (weaning before 6 months, the clothes I bought for him, BLW, etc) she had accepted that I was right.

But now to find this out I'm shocked. It just says to me that she still thinks I'm this stupid kid that has no idea. & I'm really hurt she thinks I would put my son in danger. If it wasn't safe for him on his back, he wouldn't bloody be on his back!

My boy has grown & flourished into a beautiful baby, with an adorable personality, a ready smile & just generally a very happy child & thats MY doing! MINE MINE MINE! I'm sick of her trying to steal my thunder with him.

Sorry...this post probs makes no sense, its early

 

[moomin_troll]

Ur mums off her head! Ignore her, as if livin with her for abit during pregnancy would make a different
As for sleeping on his back that's what's supposed to be done even tho my boys have never slept on their backs, since birth they both hated it n rolled onto their sides lol

 

[ValentinesGal]

Oh geeze! Why does she have to try to steal your thunder like that. It must be that I'm better than you attitude that it seems most MIL's have. Putting them on their back is what is recommended for pete's sake....apparently if she doesn't agree with whatever you're doing then its not right because she knows everything. I hate that...my MIL does that nonsense too. Well I did this and I did that and that's silly you do that and I didn't realize that that was such a big deal (as they roll their eyes) Who cares what they would do, you are MOM, not her. And the fact that a few months you lived with them is the only influence on his ultimate personality...get off your high horse woman!

My MIL has been okay. Still an odd one...still hoarding baby stuff at her house I just try to avoid her and stay busy so we don't have to go over there so often She's always good at trying to tell me what she thinks is appropriate/safe/right for him

 

[AmethystDream]

Well I wish my life was still quiet and Inlaw free. Having serious problems with them and I want them to crawl back under the rock they were hiding behind and let it squish them

 

[AmethystDream]

Oh and Broken, Hun, you know you are responsible for your little guys development - your Mum is beyond ridiculous to even think what she said.

You are doing great and your little boy is testament to that. Maybe spend less time with her in future and if she asks why you can let her know that you distanced yourself to stop her from claiming credit for your Son's well being.