MIL Nightmare

[homegrown21]

So we finally told our family that we were expecting our 2nd child on Sunday. My parents were ecstatic, but it seemed to have left a bad taste in my MIL's mouth, my FIL on the other hand was excited. Her reaction was basically emotionless and her congratulations were a bit strained.

I haven't had the best relationship with her since the beginning, we're both too hands on and she tends to overstep her boundries when it comes to our son. She's very passive aggressive and indirectly criticizes our parenting skills when she feels it's appropriate, which drives me up the wall!!

I've tried to be civil with her and have followed the old adage that if I have nothing nice to say, then I'll say nothing at all. Which kind of leaves me looking like the asshole in the corner.

So the point in all of this is, how many of you have had to deal with over bearing MIL's and how did you deal with them? My husband is starting to realize the antics of his mom, which I'm relieved about, but it doesn't solve our situation. Any advice??

 

[hellojello25]

Honestly, your husband needs to step up and tell his mother to back off. She’s never going to listen to you and if you try to say something to her, you’ll just become the evil DIL who stole her son. It’s his mother, he needs to deal with her.

I have a MIL situation too lol

 

[homegrown21]

Honestly, your husband needs to step up and tell his mother to back off. She’s never going to listen to you and if you try to say something to her, you’ll just become the evil DIL who stole her son. It’s his mother, he needs to deal with her.

I have a MIL situation too lol

He's starting too!! She made an unwanted comment this morning about letting certain family members know and whatnot. We're taking things differently this time around and it really got under my husband's skin. So he replied the best way he knew how.

The ironic thing is her MIL treated/treats her the same way she treats me and my new SIL. We laugh about the irony and keep to ourselves primarily during functions. It's just best to not give her fuel to a fire that she loves to create.

 

[flowergirl7]

Yeah, I agree with hellojello25. Your husband is going to have to be the one to step up. It’s good he sees what’s going on now too. From the sounds of it, she’s used to being treated in the passive aggressive way she treats you by her MIL so it’s probably all she knows. I hope things get better!! No fun dealing with family like that.

 

[2nd time]

We had such a problem with my mil that we didn't tell her about baby number 5 until after she was born we just couldn't deal with the negativity. I will add that this was a bad move in the long run as she was hurt by our actions we told her quite early about baby number 6 not sure when we will tell her about our current bun.

 

[lilmisscaviar]

My MIL isn't like this (she has 7 kids of her own) but my FIL and my DH's stepmother is. They used to do all kinds of things for our kids until my SIL and her three kids moved back here from out of state, now everything is about them. They went as far as to say that they thought we were "holding" our kids from them - which we never said that they couldn't come to visit us so this idea could only come from the fact that my SIL goes to their house everyday - and wouldn't even watch our kids so that DH could be pallbearer at a funeral. They criticize our parenting skills. When our first wasn't potty trained by 3 years old my FIL had the nerve to tell me that I put her a year behind. No, it wasn't that, it was that she just wasn't ready yet. Like with walking, which she didn't do until 15 months old and which my FIL also blamed us saying that we carried her too much, she did it on her own time. He promised he'd visit with us on Christmas eve this past year and never did. He visited with my SIL instead. She has the "perfect kids" in his eyes and he'll babysit them without a second thought. He even watched them so she could go back to school and get a degree. He'd never do that for my DH. It t***ed me off so much that we no longer have anything to do with them. It was hard cutting them from our life but it was better in the long run to avoid the negativity. I wouldn't suggest you to do something that drastic... we just had to because DH's pleas to them to be in our kids' lives fell on deaf ears... but definitely try to get your DH to talk to her and let her know how you feel. Some people just don't realize what they're doing. Others, like my FIL, simply don't care.

 

[drudai]

Some mil's/mothers just can't be made happy. My mom is narcissistic and I dreaded her comments from the beginning. Some only think of themselves and how it will affect them, even if it's crazy insignificant amount. In her eyes, it was one more kiddo she'd feel objected to "watch" (she never just visits the kids, or asks them to come over, and if she does has them once a month, she expects payment) or another gift to buy at Xmas.

I learned with DS to put her at the back of my mind and not care anymore, and I'm sure with your MIL you'll do the same. x

 

[flowergirl7]

Some mil's/mothers just can't be made happy. My mom is narcissistic and I dreaded her comments from the beginning. Some only think of themselves and how it will affect them, even if it's crazy insignificant amount. In her eyes, it was one more kiddo she'd feel objected to "watch" (she never just visits the kids, or asks them to come over, and if she does has them once a month, she expects payment) or another gift to buy at Xmas.

I learned with DS to put her at the back of my mind and not care anymore, and I'm sure with your MIL you'll do the same. x

Omg!! Expects payment??! I remember my sister used to pay me gas money to watch her so , but I would completely spend that plus more spending the day doing stuff with him. I just think that’s weird for a mother or parent to expect that from their kids.

 

[homegrown21]

Thanks ladies! It's good to know that I can share my experiences with you all and that it's definitely relatable. Just to add an update, because nothing really surprises me much anymore with her. My son developed bronchitis during his birthday weekend, I received, literally paragraphs of texts that I needed to take him to see the doctor, that we needed to get this treated, her recommendations for her ENT, make sure that we watch it so it doesn't turn to pneumonia. We even received a phone call yesterday from my husband's grandmother asking us if we had taken him to the doctor and relaying the same message that my MIL had given us.
I broached the topic with my hubby and he kind of brushed it off and he didn't want to talk about it, he was clearly upset about it. Later in the day he asked his mom about why his grandmother would call and do that, her only response was, "she's losing it, don't mind her."

It's just antics like this that make me think she doesn't see us as qualified parents. I know she thinks she's being helpful, but she comes off too strong and her undertones qualify as PA. Ugh, ladies, my plan is to avoid her as much as I can, she just adds stress to our lives.

 

[Andypanda6570]

Thanks ladies! It's good to know that I can share my experiences with you all and that it's definitely relatable. Just to add an update, because nothing really surprises me much anymore with her. My son developed bronchitis during his birthday weekend, I received, literally paragraphs of texts that I needed to take him to see the doctor, that we needed to get this treated, her recommendations for her ENT, make sure that we watch it so it doesn't turn to pneumonia. We even received a phone call yesterday from my husband's grandmother asking us if we had taken him to the doctor and relaying the same message that my MIL had given us.
I broached the topic with my hubby and he kind of brushed it off and he didn't want to talk about it, he was clearly upset about it. Later in the day he asked his mom about why his grandmother would call and do that, her only response was, "she's losing it, don't mind her."

It's just antics like this that make me think she doesn't see us as qualified parents. I know she thinks she's being helpful, but she comes off too strong and her undertones qualify as PA. Ugh, ladies, my plan is to avoid her as much as I can, she just adds stress to our lives.

While I know it is hard an they sometimes are overbearing, I am a DIL for 27 years, what did she really do? She is overly concerned about your baby her grandchild and that is what they do, she just is showing concern an offering advice. I have 3 sons and you have one and believe me you will be right where she is today, one day. SO try not to let her concern bother you a lot, believe me at almost 48 I can tell you , you need to pick your battles. I am NOT saying let her push you around or over step her boundaries, but think about it, she was just offering advice and saying what you already as a mom know. I am a wonderful DIL and I take pride in that, I am going to have 3 DIL and sooner than later, so i do my best to be a good one in the hopes I get at least one out of the 3 that like me..

 

[homegrown21]

Thanks ladies! It's good to know that I can share my experiences with you all and that it's definitely relatable. Just to add an update, because nothing really surprises me much anymore with her. My son developed bronchitis during his birthday weekend, I received, literally paragraphs of texts that I needed to take him to see the doctor, that we needed to get this treated, her recommendations for her ENT, make sure that we watch it so it doesn't turn to pneumonia. We even received a phone call yesterday from my husband's grandmother asking us if we had taken him to the doctor and relaying the same message that my MIL had given us.
I broached the topic with my hubby and he kind of brushed it off and he didn't want to talk about it, he was clearly upset about it. Later in the day he asked his mom about why his grandmother would call and do that, her only response was, "she's losing it, don't mind her."

It's just antics like this that make me think she doesn't see us as qualified parents. I know she thinks she's being helpful, but she comes off too strong and her undertones qualify as PA. Ugh, ladies, my plan is to avoid her as much as I can, she just adds stress to our lives.

While I know it is hard an they sometimes are overbearing, I am a DIL for 27 years, what did she really do? She is overly concerned about your baby her grandchild and that is what they do, she just is showing concern an offering advice. I have 3 sons and you have one and believe me you will be right where she is today, one day. SO try not to let her concern bother you a lot, believe me at almost 48 I can tell you , you need to pick your battles. I am NOT saying let her push you around or over step her boundaries, but think about it, she was just offering advice and saying what you already as a mom know. I am a wonderful DIL and I take pride in that, I am going to have 3 DIL and sooner than later, so i do my best to be a good one in the hopes I get at least one out of the 3 that like me..

I guess she's overbearing with what she does; I'm not rude, but I definitely take notes on how I should be when my son eventually has a family of his own and I become the MIL. The irony of everything is that her MIL treated her the same way, the only way we know is because she constantly talks about it; yet she doesn't realize that what she's doing to me has been done to her. It's a sore subject with her and I know that if we talked about this she'd take it personally regardless of approach.

But thank you for your response, I'll take into consideration on future situations.

 

[WackyMumof2]

Completely understand this!! The kids father always told me that his mother was trying to help and my arguement was that if I wanted the help I would ask for it because parenting my children is my journey and it's up to me to figure out what works best. But like you, I was left looking like the asshole. MIL and I until the last couple of years haven't ever really gotten along and even now it's strained and the trust in many respects isn't there between us but my children I know she adores and she's fantastic with them - even if she's WAY too over protective of my almost 10 year old. That is something she NEEDS to step back from but he's her world just as my MIL is my 10 year old's world so it's a tricky one. They are both so dependent on each other they don't actually realize a lot of the time they are doing it so when they are both pulled up on it and can create some arguments and a lot of tears and resentment between them and I.

For me personally, it got to the point where I just got fed up asking her nicely to back off that I just snapped and told her exactly how I felt about her doing what she was. It created one Hell of an argument between us but it sorted the problem. Even now, she can fall back into old habits and as soon as that starts I just remind her my children, my way, unless I ask you please back off and respect that this is how I am doing it. For the most part, she's pretty good about it.

 

[WackyMumof2]

Honestly, your husband needs to step up and tell his mother to back off. She’s never going to listen to you and if you try to say something to her, you’ll just become the evil DIL who stole her son. It’s his mother, he needs to deal with her.

I have a MIL situation too lol

Proceed with caution though. In my situation, every time he spoke to his MIL she made she sure she laid the guilt trip on him then went bat shit crazy and throwing accusations around with me. He takes great joy in making sure both myself and his mother know how similar we are even though I will readily deny I am anything like her. But he kept being made to feel like the meat in the sandwich - she kept putting him there, I tried to keep him out of it unless I HAD to involve him. I just learnt to fight my own battles in the end. I had to. It wasn't a question of him backing me up but it was to keep his stress levels at a manageable place because he can get really, really aggressive if he's backed up in a corner when he's trying to deal with everything else on top. And I've always believed that it's my job to stick up for myself anyhow. He will jump in IF he needs to.

We had one situation where I'd pinned some guy up against MIL's house by his throat and told him what I thought of him treating his girlfriend the way he did. I got right up in his face and was so close to hitting him that I decided risking a career in Real Estate before I was there wasn't worth it. But he stood back ready to pounce waiting for this guy to swing at me. I would have hit him back anyhow. But my MIL asked her son if he was going to pull me off him and sort the situation out himself. He told his mother 'Nope. She's got this one. She doesn't need me fighting her battles - she does those quite happily on her own'.

 

[homegrown21]

Completely understand this!! The kids father always told me that his mother was trying to help and my arguement was that if I wanted the help I would ask for it because parenting my children is my journey and it's up to me to figure out what works best. But like you, I was left looking like the asshole. MIL and I until the last couple of years haven't ever really gotten along and even now it's strained and the trust in many respects isn't there between us but my children I know she adores and she's fantastic with them - even if she's WAY too over protective of my almost 10 year old. That is something she NEEDS to step back from but he's her world just as my MIL is my 10 year old's world so it's a tricky one. They are both so dependent on each other they don't actually realize a lot of the time they are doing it so when they are both pulled up on it and can create some arguments and a lot of tears and resentment between them and I.

For me personally, it got to the point where I just got fed up asking her nicely to back off that I just snapped and told her exactly how I felt about her doing what she was. It created one Hell of an argument between us but it sorted the problem. Even now, she can fall back into old habits and as soon as that starts I just remind her my children, my way, unless I ask you please back off and respect that this is how I am doing it. For the most part, she's pretty good about it.

My MIL acts the same that our son is her world, yet she doesn't make the initiative to see him. So when she does, she pours over him and he knows that he can pretty much get whatever he wants from her. I don't like that because it causes bad habits for him. I don't want to snap, believe me, it wouldn't be pretty. We don't ask them for much anymore, in regards to watching him, because they always make it sound like it's an inconvenience or they cancel last minute. I don't want him to feel negatively about it, so we try not to ask them unless absolutely necessary.