more scared the further i get into pregnancy

[podders91]

Hi ladies.

I'll be 14 weeks on monday, and the further i get into this pregnancy the more anxious i get about loss.
I've had several 1st trimester losses, between 6 and 10 weeks, but actually going through that period of pregnancy again didn't bother me. i'd accepted that loss at this time was, although horrible to go through, quite normal.

however, now i'm edging into my 2nd trimester, i'm getting more scared of loss. like, if it happens now, it will be more traumatic, more painful, i'll be more attached to my baby. hence i'm not letting myself get emotionally attached to him/her.

I lost my daughter at 28 weeks, after just entering my 3rd trimester. after my previous losses, my midwife called 3rd tri my "safe home stretch". the fact that she called it this and then i lost my little girl has really given me no hope of it ever being ok until my baby is in my arms and screaming!

is this normal? i don't feel like it is, and my family just keep telling me i should love my baby and embrace it all. i do love my baby. but they have no idea how hard it is to have the light of your entire world ripped away.
i'm terrified of that happening again.

how can i feel more normal? is there anything i can do to feel more rested? throughout this pregnancy, i've actually been thinking to myself, if you're going to fail, fail now, whilst it's easier. i hate myself for thinking that but it's how i feel right now. i don't want to get further and further and then end up losing my baby again.

 

[celine]

Im so sorry my losses were early but they happened withon three months of each other and it killed me. I have avfiend whose babys heart stopped beating at 30 weeks...
With this pregnancy ive been so scared too, i have looked for blood everytime ive used the toilet. I still do now. The last two times i saw blood i was having a loss (ive had no af between) so the thought of seeing blood scares me.

Every week id read the babys development and think oh if i lose the baby this week it will be x big. Its not the eay one should experience pregnancy, but it the way ive experienced it after the losses. Pregnancy after a loss is the loss of innosence

 

[JoolsH]

I know exactly what you mean. I have had 5 miscarriages and a stillborn son at 29 weeks. In a bizzaar way I was almost relieved to miscarry at 7 weeks as I was so scared of a later loss. I knew I could cope with an early loss but the thought of another stillbirth was terrifying. With my rainbow I kept a diary, writing every couple of weeks. When my son was stillborn I struggled with the fact that my pregnancy was a blur( he was my 3rd child and I hadn't appreciated every little detail like you do with a first) Even though I tried not to bond with my rainbow I couldn't help myself. Whether you bond in pregnancy or not the pain is no less with a loss. I kept telling myself it was not my rainbows fault and that he deserved to be celebrated but it was hard. On my own I loved him and planned for him but outwardly I wouldn't talk or discuss anything pregnancy related. I refused a baby shower, didn't buy much or kept it out of sight but despite trying not to I fell I love more with himeveryday of my pregnancy. I just couldn't show anyone else x

 

[shmunster]

I dont know if its normal but I feel the same way, my loss was ectopic, so very early but I dont feel safe at any point

xxx