Mothering her TOO much?

[Serene123]

I hardly ever put Caitlyn down. She spends most of the day in my arms or on my boob or sat on my lap or doing something with me. She doesn't spend much time away from me. Every time she cries I pick her up and settle her. I've been reading the crying it out thread and I just can't manage to do any of that. If she cries in her car seat I just get her out and wait untill she's settled. She's so little, I thought it was alright. Now I'm worried I'm setting myself up for a nightmare? I go to bed with her at night (in my bed,) and I wake up with her in the morning. She is a very happy little baby. She hardly ever cries, and when she does it's really only because she needs something. If she just needs comfort how can I let her cry? Now I'm worried that I'm never going to get her out of my bed, she's going to expect me to come running every time she doesn't want to do something, and I'm going to be carrying around a 2 stone toddler for years.

 

[sabby52]

I done exactly the same with my first, eveyone told me "you are going to pay for it" but I thought he is just a baby I cant let him cry I have to be with him, he slept with me, I always lifted him when he cried sometimes even if he was happy I would lift him for no reason.
Well did I pay?? DID I EVER!!!!!! He was in my bed until he was 5 years old, he was always attached to my leg, was never happy to amuse himself and expected to be lifted every time he cried, I couldnt go nowhere because he wouldnt stay with anybody but me.
But she is your first little angel and no matter what anyone says we all do it with our first. But I would try and even give her 10-15 mins a day away from you and maybe build it up. But hun you love her so much just do things your way you can learn from your mistakes with your next kids !!! Lol xx

 

[oOKayOo]

I think everyone does it with there first hun. Its just instinct.
Although it does sound by the amount of mummy time she is having she will become clingy, babies really need alone time sometimes, in the cot with some toys or under her play mat on her own.
I was the same but because i lived with my mum (she went through it with me) she said i had to nip it in the bud cos it may be nice now you will pay for it later.

im so glad i did , carly wants to do everything on her own she is so independent , first day of school she ran in and forgot to say bye to me!
Ella also doesnt get held all the time, she still gets alot of cuddle time but more time playing by herself and entertaining herself and sleeps anywhere and everywhere without needing me anymore.

Dont get me wrong CIO method is hard cos its heartbreaking but imo it needs to be done sometimes so she doesnt become clingy to you when she grows up

 

[princess31]

OMG I'm heading down this path too. He's had colic and it's the only thing I can do to settle him. He does sleep on his own at night but he gets picked up during the day whenever he cries! It's going to be heartbreaking leaving him to cry but I suppose it's best to nip it in the bud now while he's still young. He's so strong willed though - much more so than me so it'll be hard for me not to give in first.

 

[Carolyn]

don't you think it's hard to know where to draw the line though?

i can't carry her everywhere i go - it's not fair, i have to back to work soon and what'll she do then? (makes my stomach turn thinking about it)

neither can i let her cry, all the time, she'd be very upset and be sick...

the line is...?

 

[Serene123]

I think the line can only be drawn/be judge on what the baby can handle. No way do I think it's alright for a baby to be left screaming for hours, but giving them a chance to self soothe can't be that bad, right? They have to learn it eventually!

 

[Sara]

PLEASE! Stop thinking that holding your baby all the time will cause him or her to be clingy! That's just not true!

Some tribal mothers always hold their babies until they can crawl (called the in-arms phase), their children are so independent! The Continuum Concept is an excellent book all about this.

Toria, what you're doing is called Attachment Parenting. Here's a bit of information from https://parenting.ivillage.com/baby/bparentstyle/0,,489j,00.html

The term, "attachment parenting", was conceived by pediatrician William Sears and his wife Martha, to describe a highly responsive, attentive style of caring for a child. Attachment parenting promotes physical and emotional closeness between parent and child through what the Sears refer to as the "Baby Bs." The Baby Bs are bonding, breastfeeding, babywearing, bedsharing and boundary building.

Attachment parenting advocates encourage parents to hold their baby often in the early sensitive weeks of life to foster bonding. Breastfeeding is promoted because it enhances the mother's natural instincts to respond to her baby through physical closeness, hormonal influences and promotion of attentiveness. Both babywearing, the practice of carrying the baby on the parents' body with an infant carrier or sling, and bedsharing, parents and babies sleeping in the same bed, provide additional opportunities for closeness. Boundary building is a discipline philosophy that entails responding to the genuine, age appropriate needs of the child and using gentle guidance. All of the Baby Bs are aimed at promoting a trusting, intuitive relationship between parents and baby through the physical and emotional closeness that makes it easier to know and appropriately respond to the baby's needs. While some people might see the Baby B's as a set of rules they must follow, they are just recommended tools that can and should be individualized for each family and parenting situation.

CIO is a cruel practise that makes your baby mis-trust you. "William doesn't cry anymore; he knows no-one will come"... remember that NSPCC advert?
(Disclaimer: This is MY view & I'm not personally attacking anyone for their parenting styles, just voicing my opinion like everyone else.)

 

[ricschick]

PLEASE! Stop thinking that holding your baby all the time will cause him or her to be clingy! That's just not true!

Some tribal mothers always hold their babies until they can crawl (called the in-arms phase), their children are so independent! The Continuum Concept is an excellent book all about this.

Toria, what you're doing is called Attachment Parenting. Here's a bit of information from https://parenting.ivillage.com/baby/bparentstyle/0,,489j,00.html

The term, "attachment parenting", was conceived by pediatrician William Sears and his wife Martha, to describe a highly responsive, attentive style of caring for a child. Attachment parenting promotes physical and emotional closeness between parent and child through what the Sears refer to as the "Baby Bs." The Baby Bs are bonding, breastfeeding, babywearing, bedsharing and boundary building.

Attachment parenting advocates encourage parents to hold their baby often in the early sensitive weeks of life to foster bonding. Breastfeeding is promoted because it enhances the mother's natural instincts to respond to her baby through physical closeness, hormonal influences and promotion of attentiveness. Both babywearing, the practice of carrying the baby on the parents' body with an infant carrier or sling, and bedsharing, parents and babies sleeping in the same bed, provide additional opportunities for closeness. Boundary building is a discipline philosophy that entails responding to the genuine, age appropriate needs of the child and using gentle guidance. All of the Baby Bs are aimed at promoting a trusting, intuitive relationship between parents and baby through the physical and emotional closeness that makes it easier to know and appropriately respond to the baby's needs. While some people might see the Baby B's as a set of rules they must follow, they are just recommended tools that can and should be individualized for each family and parenting situation.

CIO is a cruel practise that makes your baby mis-trust you. "William doesn't cry anymore; he knows no-one will come"... remember that NSPCC advert?
(Disclaimer: This is MY view & I'm not personally attacking anyone for their parenting styles, just voicing my opinion like everyone else.)

well i dont think you can compare it to the nspcc advert that is about child neglect! im sure no one here is neglecting their child but sometimes older babies cry for no reason and you have to let them learn to calm themselves down. no one is saying let hem cry for hours but them crying for 5-10mins by themselves wont hurt them and then you let them no your there. just my opinion.

when my first was born i made a consious effert not to hold her to much if she cried i calmed her down and feed and changed her but if she was happy id let her sit in her chair while i pottered around obviously we had our cuddles but i made sure she wasnt attached to me 24/7 as much as i would have liked her to be i knew it would be a nightmare in future if i didnt detach myself sometimes. and now she is so independant and so is emma

 

[Margerle]

HArmful effects of excessive crying:
https://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/handout2.asp

7 things to know about a babies cries:
https://www.askdrsears.com/html/5/T051200.asp#T051204

Particularly:

6. What cry research tells us. Researchers Sylvia Bell and Mary Ainsworth performed studies in the 1970's that should have put the spoiling theory on the shelf to spoil forever. (It is interesting that up to that time and even to this day, the infant development writers that preached the cry-it-out advice were nearly always male. It took female researchers to begin to set things straight.) These researchers studied two groups of mother-infant pairs. Group 1 mothers gave a prompt and nurturant response to their infant's cries. Group 2 mothers were more restrained in their response. They found that children in Group 1 whose mothers had given an early and more nurturant response were less likely to use crying as a means of communication at one year of age. These children seemed more securely attached to their mothers and had developed better communicative skills, becoming less whiny and manipulative.

A guide to Attachment research:
https://www.psychology.sunysb.edu/attachment/pdf/mda_klaus.pdf

Toria, there is science behind what you feel compelled to do naturally as a mother.


Just want you to have both sides.

I did like you too, and my baby is 12 Any baby is going to feel some division from its mother at stages when they are becoming more independent. I found taking a forceful route just made things harder, and worse for us in the long run.

Rather than learning coping and independence through trust it is forced "because mommy said so" or "because its good for you". Certainly there are times when a mama needs to be forceful, but you are trying to secure a bond of trust now with LO... there will be enough time for force later.

 

[Wobbles]

I prefer to go on instinct & parents stories rather than a link on the website, a DR website, a book ....

I definately think you can give your baby TOO MUCH of their own way yes & too much attention ...attention maybe wrong word but hands on 24/7 most of their awake time is too much for Mum & baby imo.

Learning your babies cries I think are a key to how YOU decide to parent your child. Doesn't just boil down to cries though it turns into little hand & movement actions.

Tired cry
Painful cry
Upset cry
Hungry cry
Thirsty cry
Hurt myself cry
Nobody is holding me cry
Whinge

my Caitlin does not get picked up at every whinge she needs to learn to play that Mummy & Daddy are here even if we've left the room we're coming back. Yesterday I went upstairs and she screamed ...that was for nothing more than she couldn't see me so I started blowing raspberrys down the stairs (I was on landing ironing) she was blowing them back & giggling like mad she was playing a game with me yet I wasn't in here sight she learns I'm there but not at the same time?

I think stories from Mums who have 2+ kids and did it 2+ different ways and can tell the tale after ...how it worked for them is interesting. **** the books and Dr Spongepants (sorry lol)!

BUT Thats just my opinion! x

 

[Wobbles]

PLEASE! Stop thinking that holding your baby all the time will cause him or her to be clingy! That's just not true!

Some tribal mothers always hold their babies until they can crawl (called the in-arms phase), their children are so independent! The Continuum Concept is an excellent book all about this.

Toria, what you're doing is called Attachment Parenting. Here's a bit of information from https://parenting.ivillage.com/baby/bparentstyle/0,,489j,00.html

The term, "attachment parenting", was conceived by pediatrician William Sears and his wife Martha, to describe a highly responsive, attentive style of caring for a child. Attachment parenting promotes physical and emotional closeness between parent and child through what the Sears refer to as the "Baby Bs." The Baby Bs are bonding, breastfeeding, babywearing, bedsharing and boundary building.

Attachment parenting advocates encourage parents to hold their baby often in the early sensitive weeks of life to foster bonding. Breastfeeding is promoted because it enhances the mother's natural instincts to respond to her baby through physical closeness, hormonal influences and promotion of attentiveness. Both babywearing, the practice of carrying the baby on the parents' body with an infant carrier or sling, and bedsharing, parents and babies sleeping in the same bed, provide additional opportunities for closeness. Boundary building is a discipline philosophy that entails responding to the genuine, age appropriate needs of the child and using gentle guidance. All of the Baby Bs are aimed at promoting a trusting, intuitive relationship between parents and baby through the physical and emotional closeness that makes it easier to know and appropriately respond to the baby's needs. While some people might see the Baby B's as a set of rules they must follow, they are just recommended tools that can and should be individualized for each family and parenting situation.

CIO is a cruel practise that makes your baby mis-trust you. "William doesn't cry anymore; he knows no-one will come"... remember that NSPCC advert?
(Disclaimer: This is MY view & I'm not personally attacking anyone for their parenting styles, just voicing my opinion like everyone else.)

This really gets on my tits when someone compares a question on parenting to the NSPCC adverts then says this is just my view. Sorry but thats HORRIBLE!

Thats not the case at all that is neglect intentional neglect adverts like that are CHILD ABUSE the parent probably in that case can't be bloody assed to get up, not feed their children, leave them in wet nappies etc.

Please don't compare any of the normal day to day questions on how others parent their children with this you can't compare every Mum who doesn't parent the same way as you to a bloody NSPCC advert.

Sorry but IMO as a 'member' and a 'mother' and from a ssomeone who suffered abuse as a child your reply was wrong.

 

[Serene123]

OMG! That is a horrible thing to say. They're not neglecting their children because they're leaving them for a few minutes to see if it's attention or that they really need something! A baby will not stop crying when left unattended if something is really wrong.

 

[leeanne]

The one thing that we need to do as parents is teach our children to be independent for themselves.

With that said though, I've made the biggest mistake with my second. My daughter was 18 months when he was born, and I also worked on my OH's businesses throughout the day, so at night time, I would fall asleep breastfeeding my son. He was a night owl back then too and would outlast me. I was exhausted by the end of the day.

Needless to say, he cannot sleep through one night without coming to look for me as he senses I am not there. I slept on the couch for periods of time, I've slept in their room for periods of time, and although I try so hard to sleep in my own bed with my OH, I usually end up on the couch by the end of the night. This is because of Jayden waking me up....and now Chase for feedings.

Seriously, I created this nightmare with Jayden and how to turn him around is a story that I will tell when he's successfully in his bed sleeping through the nights. What is difficult is still to this day he is a night owl and outlasts me, and with a new baby I just have no energy to be up til Jayden gets tired. Daddy is going to have to be the one to play hardball.

 

[Wobbles]

OMG! That is a horrible thing to say. They're not neglecting their children because they're leaving them for a few minutes to see if it's attention or that they really need something! A baby will not stop crying when left unattended if something is really wrong.

Sorry I forgot to say ...

Parenting comes with what your comfy with ...in time it will all fit in to place if you stop worrying it fits nicely. I'm a baby when it comes to Caitlin shes at teh "no" stage and the bottom lip goes out soft ass here gives her a cuddle but I have left her to her own devises whist I'm doing stuff because I know she's ok and picking he rup only stops me from doing day to day thinsg atht now include things for her and the clean home she lives in ....

Hope you catch my drift x

 

[Sara]

Didn't mean to offend anyone, wasn't calling it neglect, should've explained more or just left it to margerle, i'm no good at these things. see ya!

 

[Hevz]

I've got 3 kids and one on the way. My children have always seemed fairly placid and have never cried excessively, whether that's nature or nurture I couldn't comment....maybe a bit of both.

I have always had a bit of a "loose" rule. If baby is otherwise clean and fed and starts crying for cuddles and I am busy for eg folding washing, washing up then if I am halfway through the "job" I will finish what I'd doing before going to baby but if I've not yet started the job/task etc then I will usually pick baby up.

Sometimes they get upset just coz they can't see you, so bringing the bouncy chair into the kitchen so they can watch you and you can talk to them is often reassuring enough. If they're too young to hold a toy then just standing a toy or book nearby can keep them interested (and dare I even suggest baby tv on the odd occasion? Please don't shoot ). I've got a Graco playtime swing too which I've also found invaluble on occasion


That's the way I do things but of course we're all different and so are babies so whats right for one may not be right for another mum/baby/family.


Oh yeah....mine have always liked to watch the washing machine while it's on too....it's worth a try

 

[Vickie]

Oh yeah....mine have always liked to watch the washing machine while it's on too....it's worth a try

 

[oOKayOo]

*rolls eyes* getting abit miffed with links on how to do certain things and suposedly what 'harm' certain things can do to. Whatever you do dont go by what books, links or anything say there are so many things that will tell you differntly. You will only get confused one word 'instinct'

Thought id also add that since you have written this its a sign you have noticed maybe Caitlin is clinging abit to much.
There are going to be thousands of 'links' of can and cannot do rules. But seriously a mother knows best no book , link or ANYTHING compares.
Good job for noticing and just start giving her own time and space when you feel is the right time

Sorry if that came abit bitchy but im due on and not in the happiest of moods

 

[Serene123]

She has spent alot of time laying, playing with her toys today and my god do I feel better for it!

 

[oOKayOo]

She has spent alot of time laying, playing with her toys today and my god do I feel better for it!

Well done !!
Not all bad hey