Moved up marriage because of baby--HOW DARE SHE...

[nicem815]

Hi girls....

So, my husband and I have known for a while that we were going to get married. So much so, in fact, that we tried one fateful night without protection (before being married) and BAM--I got pregnant from one try. We decided to move up our wedding and have a small civil ceremony followed by our larger church wedding next year (after the baby AND in his hometown in Texas) so we can save and have a larger wedding.

Today, my mom told me that the ladies she worked with said, "Well, at least she GOT married!" Now, the reactions from THEM seemed positive but the only reason they probably said that is because she may have brought up the fact that we just got married and we are pregnant. My husband's mother isn't thrilled about it either (she is SUPER DEVOUT Catholic. She is a sweet lady but very set in those views. I know she will eventually accept it but wasn't happy when he told her and still hasn't called him back....it's been over a week).

All of this makes me feel like...absolute garbage. I already have been feeling crappy because nothing is working out with my insurance....I have had to wait FOREVER to get under my husband's plan. I couldn't even get my bloodwork today because we are still waiting on it.People have been giving us negative feedback when we first decided to have a small private wedding.

That being said.... I, a 28 year old educated woman, is feeling rotten because I am being judged. A little backstory....I work in healthcare. I had a GREAT paying job in Texas, was TOTALLY independent and ONLY chose to move back to PA because we WANTED to start a family and be closer to family. Yet, we have received so much negativity. My father (who is barely a father anyway) refused to come to my wedding and we aren't on speaking terms. This has showed me that family is not always blood. We have more of an outpouring of support from our friends in Texas than any here. The experience of moving back has been so negative that we even are considering moving back in a year or two. This baby was NOT an "oops" baby. Granted I didn't think I would get pregnant on the first try, but hey--I did and I am grateful. My husband and I planned for this. And I KNOW when we announce it to more peopleI, we will have more negative feedback...or "Well that was fast!!! " .

It really angers and saddens me. All of it. But mostly how people continue to judge and judge and judge.....they have been judging and being rude about the moments of my life that are supposed to be the happiest.

I have learned this year SO much--I was always independent because I could never rely on my parents or many other family members for emotional or any kind of support. So I moved. Then, I missed my family so I moved back....I should have stuck with my gut. I will continue to write my own story and whoever wants to be a part of it, positively, can be involved. Anyone else can walk away.

 

[spunky84]

I honestly don't even know what to say

I'm sorry you've encountered so much negativity regarding your pregnancy. The bottom line is you are a married, independent woman, and this was your and your husband's decision.

It's tricky when religion is involved (or isn't involved!), but the bottom line is that this isn't anyone else's decision to make.

I'm sorry you are getting negative reactions, and I really hope that the people that matter most come around quickly. If people can't be happy for you then they aren't worth it.

I wish I had something better to say.

 

[MamaLoCo]

People who judge you for something like that are just the type of people who would judge you for anything anyway. It's really none of their business and they know that. I feel like deciding to have a child with someone is a more permanent decision than marriage anyway, so why people put that on a pedestal, with how widely accepted divorce is these days, is just beyond me.

Don't get me wrong, I believe marriage should be permanent and is a huge decision. I think it's kind of an outdated tradition...but we can't really change the society we live in and taking that into consideration, I think it's wise to be married when you have a child together. That's whether you get married before or after you get pregnant. I don't think it makes a difference as long as you make it work. How you handle this should be good preparation for when they inevitably judge you for your parenting styles.

I don't believe religion should be something people use as an excuse to be jerks. It's not a "get out of jail free" card.

I go back and forth with my family like that too. Sometimes I think family is extremely important and we should all stick together; then other times, I feel like they take advantage or don't trust me to be an adult since I was the youngest child. It's hard not to be offended by family because they don't keep their thoughts to themselves as much. I don't want this to upset you further, but if your family is being outright with it, it's probably happening from those not as close to you - they're just tactful enough to keep it to themselves. People judge. I've done it and I'm not proud of it. People don't understand the love between other people so when they see them take off to Vegas and get hitched without telling anyone they're doing it, it's a shock. Then when they post the ultrasound photo on the internet a week later, then people connect the dots and assume that maybe that couple wouldn't have gotten married if that wasn't the case. Your parents probably knew that already so they're probably more worried about what their friends are perceiving. I'd talk to them and let them know you expect them to have your back a little better.

 

[nicem815]

Thanks

As far as my father goes, he hasn't been involved in my life much for the last several years. He is one of those dads who thinks that giving you a gift card for Christmas and your birthday mean he cares. He had a second marriage and told NOBODY he got married. He has an active relationship with his new wife's family but makes little to no effort with his own children (I have an older brother and two younger siblings. I honestly could care less but I feel bad for my younger siblings who get no support from him). He has been abusive over the years in multiple ways but he will always feel his way is the "right" way. So whatever. I didn't expect much from him.

You see, we have been staying with my mother which we discussed with her when we moved. We informed her that we are moving back to be closer and asked if we could stay with her until we get on our feet. She agreed, but it has been such a struggle. We plan on paying her a significant amount of money now that my husband has been blessed with a great job. But you see, she likes to make everyone else look like the bad guy. When I told her we wanted a small wedding, she got PISSED and told me, "Well then don't expect anything from anyone". We didn't. They helped in small ways after all which I didn't want but I felt it was lose-lose either way. We have helped in many ways. But with my family, if you get help in ANY WAY, you are wrong. The only way I got away from that is when I was out, thousands of miles away from them. Not the type of family I intend to raise. I'm grateful she lets us stay but like I said, we plan on giving her a lot of money now that we can. We didn't plan to just mooch.

I have pretty much accepted that I need my space from my family if I want to have a normal marriage and happy children. It was just a difficult realization because I literally moved back to be near them and it blew up in my face. I was so hopeful! Oh well.

 

[nicem815]

People who judge you for something like that are just the type of people who would judge you for anything anyway. It's really none of their business and they know that. I feel like deciding to have a child with someone is a more permanent decision than marriage anyway, so why people put that on a pedestal, with how widely accepted divorce is these days, is just beyond me.

Don't get me wrong, I believe marriage should be permanent and is a huge decision. I think it's kind of an outdated tradition...but we can't really change the society we live in and taking that into consideration, I think it's wise to be married when you have a child together. That's whether you get married before or after you get pregnant. I don't think it makes a difference as long as you make it work. How you handle this should be good preparation for when they inevitably judge you for your parenting styles.

I don't believe religion should be something people use as an excuse to be jerks. It's not a "get out of jail free" card.

I go back and forth with my family like that too. Sometimes I think family is extremely important and we should all stick together; then other times, I feel like they take advantage or don't trust me to be an adult since I was the youngest child. It's hard not to be offended by family because they don't keep their thoughts to themselves as much. I don't want this to upset you further, but if your family is being outright with it, it's probably happening from those not as close to you - they're just tactful enough to keep it to themselves. People judge. I've done it and I'm not proud of it. People don't understand the love between other people so when they see them take off to Vegas and get hitched without telling anyone they're doing it, it's a shock. Then when they post the ultrasound photo on the internet a week later, then people connect the dots and assume that maybe that couple wouldn't have gotten married if that wasn't the case. Your parents probably knew that already so they're probably more worried about what their friends are perceiving. I'd talk to them and let them know you expect them to have your back a little better.

Totally understand where you're coming from! It is hard to accept that from family. My thing is...I could not care LESS about what other people think who I'm not close with. I really don't care. Everyone judges and I really have no problem shutting people out of my life who do that because I have always found out about it. People can have a life that look GREAT on paper and be in shambles behind closed doors. My husband and I have a great relationship and our child will have what he or she needs. So if people want to judge us...let them. We made our choices and thought them out thoroughly. For example, we are going to be living with my older brother for 6 months. People will talk and say, "Oh they're doing that to save money, they aren't stable"--whatever. In actuality, my brother is getting out of an abusive relationship and I want him to have a support system. I didn't want him to be alone right now. So people can say whatever they damn well please. Like I said....I am prepared to distance myself from whoever is a negative force in our lives.

 

[MamaLoCo]

Thanks
When I told her we wanted a small wedding, she got PISSED and told me, "Well then don't expect anything from anyone". We didn't.

What does that even mean???!!
What would someone, who wants a small wedding, expect from other people? Is she referring to wedding gifts? Or helping with expenses?

 

[pachamama92]

I can completely sympathise. My oh and I aren't married. We have been together for a long time. We are both in our thirties, financially independent, responsible and did plan to get married but just never did! The same thing happened to us with #1, although it took us a few months. I was shocked at some of the judgement we received and from people I didn't expect to. I had one friend (who had been trying for a long time to get pregnant so I excuse her as she was feeling crappy) whose only reaction was "but what surname will your child have, you aren't even married" my mum took a while to come round too. She didn't say anything she just gave me a look. What really grates is that we have been together for longer than a lot of married couples we know but somehow their pregnancies were obviously planned and ours wasn't. Urghhh ok, rant over. Anyway now I am putting off getting married just to prove a point I think

 

[nicem815]

Thanks
When I told her we wanted a small wedding, she got PISSED and told me, "Well then don't expect anything from anyone". We didn't.

What does that even mean???!!
What would someone, who wants a small wedding, expect from other people? Is she referring to wedding gifts? Or helping with expenses?

I think she meant both...which we didn't expect. Even when we have our bigger wedding, we don't expect any help. We wanted to have a little get-together to celebrate with the people we couldn't invite to our small wedding and we are going to respectfully request that people do not give us gifts but can donate to the donation we choose. We are making it very clear that we don't want or need help.

Like I said, with my family...sometimes things are good and sometimes things are horrible. Since I was a child I never felt like I could trust either parent completely but I have just accepted their behaviors as I got older...

 

[nicem815]

I can completely sympathise. My oh and I aren't married. We have been together for a long time. We are both in our thirties, financially independent, responsible and did plan to get married but just never did! The same thing happened to us with #1, although it took us a few months. I was shocked at some of the judgement we received and from people I didn't expect to. I had one friend (who had been trying for a long time to get pregnant so I excuse her as she was feeling crappy) whose only reaction was "but what surname will your child have, you aren't even married" my mum took a while to come round too. She didn't say anything she just gave me a look. What really grates is that we have been together for longer than a lot of married couples we know but somehow their pregnancies were obviously planned and ours wasn't. Urghhh ok, rant over. Anyway now I am putting off getting married just to prove a point I think

I am so sorry you went through that!! I just don't understand people!! Life happens and babies are a WONDERFUL BLESSING!! And when both parents are independent and financially prepared....and planning to get married anyway...how do people still feel the need to judge so much? Or even if they DON'T agree--fine, but how do some people feel they have the right to say something so mean?

lol @ waiting to get married to prove a point!!

 

[HerdingDogs]

Blood may be thicker than water, but blood doesn't always function properly. I'm sorry that you are going through these struggles. On a level, I can empathize as you know my situation. On another, I have no idea how you feel because it's entirely different.

People are always going to judge you. It's something I learned very early in life. Most of the time, the judgement is going to be founded on absolute (excuse my language) bullshit. This is how I lived my life so you should too to the color of your skin to the reproductive organs you were born with. People are judgmental. The great thing is that, unless it's a judge in a court judging you as guilty, you get to IGNORE those buttheads.

Family is more important now than ever, but if your family can't be supportive then you have to rely on those that are. A very wise, strong, and kind woman once told me that my mom was just in shock and she would come around. So I want that wise, strong, kind woman to take her own advice.

Biggest hugs. You know we're always here if you need a vent fest. Goodness knows I come here and spill my drama all day every day.

Spoiler

https://drrobinson.ca/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/drseuss.jpg

 

[nicem815]

Blood may be thicker than water, but blood doesn't always function properly. I'm sorry that you are going through these struggles. On a level, I can empathize as you know my situation. On another, I have no idea how you feel because it's entirely different.

People are always going to judge you. It's something I learned very early in life. Most of the time, the judgement is going to be founded on absolute (excuse my language) bullshit. This is how I lived my life so you should too to the color of your skin to the reproductive organs you were born with. People are judgmental. The great thing is that, unless it's a judge in a court judging you as guilty, you get to IGNORE those buttheads.

Family is more important now than ever, but if your family can't be supportive then you have to rely on those that are. A very wise, strong, and kind woman once told me that my mom was just in shock and she would come around. So I want that wise, strong, kind woman to take her own advice.

Biggest hugs. You know we're always here if you need a vent fest. Goodness knows I come here and spill my drama all day every day.

Spoiler

https://drrobinson.ca/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/drseuss.jpg

Thanks so much, doll I am trying so hard to ignore the hurtful comments. I know, ultimately, it's about my husband and I....and now our little baby! We want so much more for our child than we had. I just have to ignore the negative people around us.

Totally with you on being judged. I have had people hate me for no, and I mean NO reason. It's funny. I used to be chubby and I was called fat and ugly. Then, I lost a ton of weight and people thought I was slutty or stupid as a skinny girl. Or people automatically assumed I was a "bitch" when I am SO FAR from that. So meh, I don't care what people say anymore but once people start saying negative things in reference to me being pregnant....thats when Mama Bear comes out and I get angry. My child is innocent and people have no right to say anything cold and heartless about him or her--or about any child!!

 

[MamaLoCo]

ohhhh geez. I had this long response about how I feel about weddings and throwing money around for parties that don't bear the slightest resemblance to us or the relationships we're celebrating. I just deleted it because I realized my thoughts aren't shared by the majority so, I'll just say, I'm right there with ya!

 

[MamaLoCo]

Totally with you on being judged. I have had people hate me for no, and I mean NO reason. It's funny. I used to be chubby and I was called fat and ugly. Then, I lost a ton of weight and people thought I was slutty or stupid as a skinny girl. Or people automatically assumed I was a "bitch" when I am SO FAR from that. So meh, I don't care what people say anymore but once people start saying negative things in reference to me being pregnant....thats when Mama Bear comes out and I get angry. My child is innocent and people have no right to say anything cold and heartless about him or her--or about any child!!

This! hahaha after some observations, I did a social experiment at work and noticed that when I did my hair and makeup, people treated me like I was stupid. When I didn't, they trusted me and believed everything I said.

 

[nicem815]

ohhhh geez. I had this long response about how I feel about weddings and throwing money around for parties that don't bear the slightest resemblance to us or the relationships we're celebrating. I just deleted it because I realized my thoughts aren't shared by the majority so, I'll just say, I'm right there with ya!

Yeah....I feel that way about Facebook and engagements and everything now that has to be widely publicized to be recognized. I think it takes away the special feeling of things....we did post a couple of wedding pictures on FB but everyone was all shocked when they didn't know about the planning process. I just politely stated that we preferred to keep it private. That's unheard of these days!

 

[nicem815]

Totally with you on being judged. I have had people hate me for no, and I mean NO reason. It's funny. I used to be chubby and I was called fat and ugly. Then, I lost a ton of weight and people thought I was slutty or stupid as a skinny girl. Or people automatically assumed I was a "bitch" when I am SO FAR from that. So meh, I don't care what people say anymore but once people start saying negative things in reference to me being pregnant....thats when Mama Bear comes out and I get angry. My child is innocent and people have no right to say anything cold and heartless about him or her--or about any child!!

This! hahaha after some observations, I did a social experiment at work and noticed that when I did my hair and makeup, people treated me like I was stupid. When I didn't, they trusted me and believed everything I said.

Yep!! People are so silly!!!

 

[HerdingDogs]

Haha my life is on fb. BUT in my defense it's because my family is so spread out, and 98% of my friends list is family and over half of them live in Thailand. It's how they get their glimpse into my life and vice versa. I'm also super introverted so anytime I can talk to someone via computer or text, I am all about that life. I prefer to interact with my school community and immediate family.

Anyway enough about me. I forgot what I was going to say now.. ... ..

But Mama Bear away! I say politely voice your opinion and move on as you know. If you need someone to be positive, you know where to find me

 

[nicem815]

Haha my life is on fb. BUT in my defense it's because my family is so spread out, and 98% of my friends list is family and over half of them live in Thailand. It's how they get their glimpse into my life and vice versa. I'm also super introverted so anytime I can talk to someone via computer or text, I am all about that life. I prefer to interact with my school community and immediate family.

Anyway enough about me. I forgot what I was going to say now.. ... ..

But Mama Bear away! I say politely voice your opinion and move on as you know. If you need someone to be positive, you know where to find me

lol my life was on Facebook too until THAT caused drama!! Geeesh! lol I'm glad you can communicate with them, though. It's important and FB really is a helpful resource.

Aww thanks Yeah...I'm trying to continue working on my inner peace to answer respectfully so I don't bite anyone's head off lol!!