Moving on...

[Reb S]

Hello, as the title suggests, this is a thread for anyone who wants to join me on the difficult journey of moving on from TTC. There is probably a thread for this somewhere, but I couldn't find it.
Our 2nd and final IVF has just failed, I am 42 and IVF was our only hope so it is time for us to move on. I have begun the journey of acceptance and the IVF, although it has ended in sadness, was also a great step along the way in terms of knowing that we had done everything we were prepared to do to get our family.
Is there anyone out there who wants to discuss or share or anything to do with starting your life again without ttc?! Come and join me.
Reb x

 

[uwa_amanda]

Hello, as the title suggests, this is a thread for anyone who wants to join me on the difficult journey of moving on from TTC. There is probably a thread for this somewhere, but I couldn't find it.
Our 2nd and final IVF has just failed, I am 42 and IVF was our only hope so it is time for us to move on. I have begun the journey of acceptance and the IVF, although it has ended in sadness, was also a great step along the way in terms of knowing that we had done everything we were prepared to do to get our family.
Is there anyone out there who wants to discuss or share or anything to do with starting your life again without ttc?! Come and join me.
Reb x

I am probably going to end up on this thread if nothing happens before June. We are facing this move from TTC with apprehension. I was actually wondering if there was a forum for those of us that are moving on. There's one for TTC, LTTTC, pregnancy, and everything else.

I will update as our situation progresses though.

 

[Lolly1985]

Hi

So sorry that you have found yourself here. I understand as our third and final ICSI failed in October and like you, I couldn't find a moving on thread. It was hard as you feel you don't belong anywhere A girl I know started a thread but it was just her and me chatting. I always felt everyone looked at the thread and just felt sorry for us But I never wanted sympathy, just understanding.

Anyway, as you can see from my ticker we have embarked on the adoption road. It is very early days and so for a couple of reasons we probably won't properly get going until after summer. So i'm desperately trying to enjoy my time now before i'm thrust into another process of appointments, nerves and waiting. But for the first time I feel at peace with things. It is conforting that treatment is over in a way. Of course it would have made my whole life if it had worked, but at least I don't have to keep putting my body through the emotional and physical strain of it any more.

Is adoption something you have ever considered? I know it is not for everyone. DF was very unsure but we are getting there and can finally start to feel happy and excited again.

Lots of love to you xxxxx

 

[uwa_amanda]

Hi

So sorry that you have found yourself here. I understand as our third and final ICSI failed in October and like you, I couldn't find a moving on thread. It was hard as you feel you don't belong anywhere A girl I know started a thread but it was just her and me chatting. I always felt everyone looked at the thread and just felt sorry for us But I never wanted sympathy, just understanding.

Anyway, as you can see from my ticker we have embarked on the adoption road. It is very early days and so for a couple of reasons we probably won't properly get going until after summer. So i'm desperately trying to enjoy my time now before i'm thrust into another process of appointments, nerves and waiting. But for the first time I feel at peace with things. It is conforting that treatment is over in a way. Of course it would have made my whole life if it had worked, but at least I don't have to keep putting my body through the emotional and physical strain of it any more.

Is adoption something you have ever considered? I know it is not for everyone. DF was very unsure but we are getting there and can finally start to feel happy and excited again.

Lots of love to you xxxxx

Adoption, for us, is something we cannot afford to embark on. We don't feel like adoption would be for us. We have decided to probably be a childless family unless a miracle occurs.

 

[Armywife84]

Oh Reb, . I was hoping the reason I didn't see you floating around is because you've graduated to First Tri.

I'm sorry that it's come down to this.

I don't want to sound like an idiot even though I'm 27 and still have a ways to go. However, we can't afford IVF and IUI is being put off until we get a new vehicle and debt paid off. Plus, my mental health is going down the drain. I'm going to hang on for now, but there's a limit. So one day I'd like to prepare myself for a childless not by choice lifestyle.

What I would like to know is how you came to this decision and what are you doing to move on?? More pets, throw yourself into your career, etc??

It really seems like there should be a section for women who have come to the end.

 

[Reb S]

Welcome to Uwa, Lolly and Armywife - (sorry to see you here!)
I'm so pleased to have a response to this thread already - maybe there really is a place for us here on BnB as we move on.
Lolly - I'm so pleased you're on the adoption route- OH and I have discussed it and I still hold it in my female arsenal (!) but at the moment he's a definite no. Are you UK? If so, here's hoping Cameron's reforms actually do some good - I gather it's a tough process at the moment.
Uwa - as I said to Lolly, I think adoption is a pipe dream for us at the moment - does it need finance in the US? That's not the case in the UK, although I believe you need to be financially stable.
Hiya Armywife!!! I'm so sorry you're feeling bad. Is Hubby away at the moment? It must be hard. The only thing I will say to you is - hey, you're SO young! Sweetheart, you really do have time. So if IVF is all that will save you, start saving every penny. If it's not for you, the only thing I can say is that time is the key. I am moving on, but my heart aches every time I see a family, every time I dream my child. Yes, I am going to focus on my career, my upcoming wedding. And right now, I'm having a BIG GLASS OF WINE OR THREE!!!!! x
Thanks again for responding, let's keep going x

 

[uwa_amanda]

Hey Reb,

Adoption can be just as expensive as IVF. We can afford neither. I am just tired and feel like I need to move on. I have student loan and credit card debt to pay off. My mental health is also taking another downward spiral. I have battled depression once and now I feel like it is sneaking back in. I have cried on my DH's shoulder so much in the last year. Maybe we can keep this thread going!

 

[Armywife84]

I know that time is on my side, for now. The whole dual IF has got me so put off..and I'm half way thru the 6 months after my lap. So I'm a nutty person atm.

So the journey has just begun for you to move on. How did you and your DH decide this? How long were you trying?

 

[Reb S]

Uwa - I'm sorry to hear you've been depressed - it must be a battle to keep it at bay. But it sounds like you're young too - with time to try again later?
Armywire - we've been TTC 4 years and the last IVF was more of a closure than anything else - we only had a 15% success rate. It took a while to decide to do it and to save up for it, but it was worth a last go. For unknown reasons we've never been able to get a BFP any way other than IVF.

 

[uwa_amanda]

Uwa - I'm sorry to hear you've been depressed - it must be a battle to keep it at bay. But it sounds like you're young too - with time to try again later?
Armywire - we've been TTC 4 years and the last IVF was more of a closure than anything else - we only had a 15% success rate. It took a while to decide to do it and to save up for it, but it was worth a last go. For unknown reasons we've never been able to get a BFP any way other than IVF.

I'll be 30 in July and my DH is 35. It can definitely be a battle to try to push it out of my mind. I am trying so hard to keep from going back on antidepressants. They can be tricky to come off of. You can't quit those things cold turkey. We've been ttc for six years this upcoming June. I am starting my eighth round of Clomid today. My doctor and we discussed how long I need to be taking these drugs. He said that around June, if nothing happens, he will have to refer us to a fertility specialist. I asked him what the next step would be and he said probably injectables. He said they would run us about $3,000-$5,000 per month for everything. My insurance doesn't cover any of this and we just don't have that kind of money just laying around. We were hoping at this point in our lives, we would be finished having children. We have always wanted two children. We have said that since we were dating. We are hoping with all shreds of hope left over that one of these final two rounds will work. We shall see...

 

[Armywife84]

Uwa - I'm sorry to hear you've been depressed - it must be a battle to keep it at bay. But it sounds like you're young too - with time to try again later?
Armywire - we've been TTC 4 years and the last IVF was more of a closure than anything else - we only had a 15% success rate. It took a while to decide to do it and to save up for it, but it was worth a last go. For unknown reasons we've never been able to get a BFP any way other than IVF.

I see. I'm so sorry to hear of your failed journey. What's refreshing is your bravery to move on. Although it will hurt for while since you're in the grieving process. I believe there's a life to be lived when you come out on the other side of LTTC.

You could travel abroad, pride yourself on your successful career, maybe do volunteer work, and have nights out with other childless couples. It sounds like potential happiness to me!

 

[Reb S]

Thanks Armywife! I put this thread up in the over 35's where I thought it belonged and everyone there is saying - oh, I'll pray for you, don't give up, it'll happen etc - hooray for your refreshing honesty which says 'there is life beyond ttc!'
x

 

[Lolly1985]

'now you are not trying so hard it will happen...' AHHHH!!!! Enough said

Anyway... yes Reb I am UK. Here's hoping that we see some continued improvements within the system, but to be honest, i'm not confident that anything drastic will be implemented soon enough. There is now an 8 month turn around time from signing application to apply and panel for approval. Was very impressed with that. What they however don't tell you is the bits up until then can take forever and a day, and they can keep you waiting until they know they will be able to input enough resource and time to meet that deadline. We have decided to approach a voluntary agency and they are a lots better (so far) with what is realistic and what is not. They are actually communicating with us, instead of ignoring like the local authority....

I have spoken to a couple of ladies on the adoption forum from the US, and adoption could not be more different over there. I really feel for you ladies that it is not often a realistic option. And even if financially it is affordable you seem to have to wait a long time. It makes the above post sound awful and I hope it hasn't offended. Its very hard that they make it so difficult when I am sure there must be many children in need of loving homes.

Our social worker here told us that in a neighbouring county there were over 40 children waiting to be placed and only 2 approved adopters in that area. Its so sad. They end up in the care system, and often get more complex needs as time passes and then they are 'too old' or 'too damaged' and no one wants them...

I hope you are all as well as can be expected, nice to speak to you all and share views, Lolly xxxx

 

[Reb S]

Lolly, that's interesting information about the voluntary organisations - I shall put that away in a part of my brain that is storing info for if OH ever comes round! (His best man is adopting this year so I'm hoping that might make him think about it) I love your adoption ticker! Is there an adoption thread on here? And I can't remember - are you going for a family group or as young as possible? x

 

[Lolly1985]

My DF was much more positive when we looked into VA as opposed to going with the local authority. Something to think about. We have said we will consider a sibling group, I think I am more keen that DF on that front but if the right match came along for us we would definitly think seriously about it. Only prob I could see would be the bedroom situation. We have three bedrooms but our place is a townhouse and as such our bedroom and large double bedroom are on top floor, and third smaller one is on middle floor. So I had thought that say two similar aged, same sex siblings could share big room (there is plenty of space) but not sure if they would want them to have their own personal space or not. I think I would worry about a child having to climb the stairs to get to us in the night, and agency prob would not be keen. Unless child is old enough. But SW already said she thinks we would suit younger children due to age and experiences. So many things to consider in all this!!!

Hope you are holding up ok? xxxxx

 

[Reb S]

Lolly - that's great what the SW worker says - lucky you! I think she'd take one look at us and say - well, you can have a 13 year old school drop-out! Anyway, I am doing okay, had a big rant at OH today about how cheated and alienated I feel - he's so phlegmatic it's untrue. MEN!!!

 

[uwa_amanda]

I feel like the adoption agency would look at us and say only one of you is working (me) and the other is disabled and taking a boatload of medication everyday (my DH). I think they would frown on us. They would already have an opinion of us formed based on that before they would even hear our story.

 

[Lolly1985]

Its crap isn't it, I understand they need to safeguard their children and make sure placements are right, but at the same time they dismiss so many people for stupid things that children are left in care which is surely a whole load more damaging. We are having to pay some debt off before we move on even though we earn enough, have savings, put money away each month, have plenty surplus just because 'it looks bad' to be in debt. Who the hell is not in debt?!! Especially those who have been through self funded treatment. Stupid. But we are doing it as we want to be the best we can be on paper and not be questioned endlessly with the 'what ifs...' What if you lost your job, what if your mortgage payment went up, what if the car broke down, what if you got a sibling group and needed nursery, what if your child didn't settle an you needed additional unpaid leave. And so on!!! Sorry, think it touched a nerve!!

Reb, Sometimes a big rant is needed so I say go with it! I know what you mean about it, you want them to have an opinion, show some emotion. I know they are a different species but in doing those things shows they care. I know they of course do but sometimes it feels like they think we are being neurotic. Venting can help to clear the air, so I hope you have both found it a way to start talking things through

 

[Armywife84]

It's ridiculous how stingy they are with adoption when kids are placed in foster homes with crap living conditions.

A friend of mine who went thru menopause at the age of 20, they adopted and they're paying still paying on his adoption. Poor things had to go thru a year of paperwork, being screened to make sure they were healthy, and wait listed.

Reb, did you ask the Mods if they would consider creating a section for Moving On?

I also want to know everything that you're doing since moving on! I'm so nosy.

 

[Reb S]

Hee hee! So far I got so drunk I passed out!!! Eaten lots of chocolate, done lots of work, crashed my car (Yes, really, oops nothing serious and not to do with wine!!!) bought pizza and doritos; cried a lot...just drinking some more wine
Will post a more serious post tomorrow, when I'm not a little tipsy