Mum Problems (long!)

[Romanae]

Hi everyone I've been kinda lurking about but I've never commented or anything and I thought it was about time

I'm 18, 19 in May, due April 18th. When I first found out I was pregnant I found out relatively quickly, within a month of conception. I knew straight away that even though I am pro-choice it was not going to be an option for me to "sort myself out" as some so delicately put it when it became known I was pregnant. I just couln't face the idea. I also was 95% sure I wanted to keep the baby.

I knew this would be a problem with my mother. She had me quite young - 20 - and has made no secret of the fact that if I ever fell pregnant she would not support me in any way. When I was living at home she would tell me if I ever got pregnant, the day she found out would be the day I had to get out of her house.

No big surprise, then, that when I told her at around eight weeks she took it badly. It was a short conversation maybe 2 mins long actually. I told her, she asked when I was sorting myself out, I said I wasn't going to, there was a long silence, I said I'd be leaving then and she said yeah, I thank that'd be best.

She has since made it known to me, through other relatives, that if I got rid of/adopted out the baby, she would pay for the breast reduction that I desprately need (Back problems, yay!) and if I kept it she'd cut off all contact. It was an easy decision. The father and I are excited to meet our little boy this April.

We haven't spoken since that day, and to be honest, I don't miss her. I've never found something out and wished to share it wih her, I didn't want her there when I went in for ultrasounds, and I have zero desire for her to be at the birth. She has made her decision and we were not close enough that it bothered me.

What *does* bother me is that EVERY TIME I tell someone about it, they twitter on about how "Oh, you'll see, she'll change her mind when LO gets here! First grandchild blahblah, love babies blahblah maternal instinct!" No. I know my mother. I know how much she hates kids. For real, she gets twitchy when they are in the same room as her. I am just sick of eveyone assuming that I need her, of everyone thinking that she'll turn into a stereotypical Mummy when Preshus First Grandbaby appears.

Basically I just needed to rant... Does anyone else have this problem, though? I'd love to know how you handled it.

 

[magic93]

I dont have the same problem. Although me and my mom have had our ups and downs, since I no longer live with her our relationship has gotten a lot better.
But I understand why you feel that way, I would too in your situation. You seem confident that you do not need her support so all the power to you. As long as youve got support comming from somewhere, thats important.
Good luck hun,congrats on the baby! & good for you for doing what feels right for you, its your baby and your decision not your moms.

 

[cammy]

Wow you situation sounds so much like mine when I was pregnant with my first. I was 18, turning 19 in April with my bub due in mid June (He came May).

My mum was pretty similar. It was a very quick conversation that ended with her telling me I was getting an abortion or getting out. She caused a lot of issues for me by spreading a lot of lies and hateful things to all my relatives and we didn't talk much at all my whole pregnancy. I didn't miss her. But the stuff she did and said still really effected us, especially my relationship with OH.
Everyone just assumed I needed her and that pissed me off. All my doctors would always ask to talk to my mum. If my mum was around they would go tell her stuff and she would try make decisions and tell them.

So she was a little different but sort of similar. She has reacted pretty similar this time except she thinks I got pregnant in spite of her. She spread more lies about us too. I haven't talked to her in 9 weeks so far, since she found out and absolutely abused me over the phone.

Unfortunately when bub was born she did come around and kept coming around. It was so annoying and we hated it. We have actually been enjoying the peace the last 9 weeks

 

[Romanae]

God suddenly I'm grateful Mum's just ignoring me haha. She and my Dad divorced around the same time I got pregnant which is a huge relief because it means I can still go to family things with Dads side who I've always been closer to, knowing that Mum won't be there and that she hasn't spoken to them. I'm fairly sure she would have nothing nice to say but she's just blocked it out - my Grandma, her mum, told me she's basically acting like she doesn't have a daughter. I must say I prefer that to her spreading lies, that must have been awful

I'm glad your Mum's been gone for the last couple months, sounds like you needed a break

 

[teenmommy15]

I have a somewhat similar situation my mom really hasnt been their much for me for the past 16 years and when i told her i was pregnant she was not thrilled, she warmed up to the idea but she still isnt completely their and its hard to deal with to tell you the truth she stresses me out a lot and i think its cause she's trying to be their for me and doesnt know how so instead she expresses herself in anger and we cant deal with anything honestly their have been many points throughout this pregnancy were i've contemplated weather i want her around baby or not and at this point im iffy i dont want her putting her values or doing what she did with me as a child i want to do things differently for my baby and sadly my mom only knows how to parent one way.

Honestly i think your doing a good thing by keeping your mother out of your life, she doesnt deserve to be a grandparent to your LO if she cant be a parent to you first. So since im iffy about my mom and OH's family will never be allowed around my daughter my very close friends parents promised to be her Oma and Oppa (meaning grandma and grandpa) Btw my names Bethany im 15 and im due literally a couple of months after you on June 18

 

[LavaPanda]

Hey I'm not really in the same situation, however thought I'd share my mother issues too.
I'm adopted (6 years now) by my beautiful and wonderful new mumzie, Vicky. She's been so supportive and loves kids- happy days.
But. Then there's my real mother. O.M.G this woman is a royal pain the hiney. She's an abusive alcoholic, although seems to not know this. She's vile. But anyway- we still have contact(ish) and despite everything I keep my best efforts to be pleasant to her- I even go down at Christmas. I've still yet to tell my real mother the good news, however I'm dreading it. She's going to go one of two ways, either she'll be the usual vindictive cow as she usually is and tell me to get rid, or she'll be her version of 'supportive'.
Luckily for me she lives 200 miles away from me. But like you I don't miss her. Not in the slightest and I'm worried when Nugget arrives she's going to try and be there- which is the last thing I want, I'm not even sure I want her in his/her life after how she was with me. I feel she's poisonous.
Vicky will be a much better grandmother and I think that's how I want it to stay. Either way mother's are a ball ache and I see this as a positive as we'll only strive to be better than them and give LO the mother we didn't have.
It's true- age means nothing when becoming a mother.

 

[skyesmom]

i don't mean to defend your mom in any way, but from what u write it sounds like she was definitely not ready to have you when you came around, if her positions are so unreasonably and indiscussibly hard. seems like she never gotten over the fact of having to take care of you when you were a toddler, since she has such an adverse reaction to children now.
this of course has NOTHING to do with you and it is not by any means your fault, it's her failure to accept her responsibility from 19 years ago that makes her behave like such. i don't know what her situation was when you were a baby, was your dad there and how did her family react to it, but she sounds like someone who's got plenty wounds to heal.
it is good that you made your decision despite her reactions and blackmailing, and that you have the support of your OH to deal with the situation, this is priceless. i think your baby and your new family should be your primary goal now, but if your mother ever approaches you to talk in the future, consider the possibility of giving her a chance (by which i don't mean letting her offend you or mistreat you in any way, more like keeping an open chance for a talk if she ever happens to come around).

 

[Romanae]

Oh, I know my Mum definitely wasn't ready to have me and it's affected her in a lot of ways. She found out she was pregnant too late to get rid of me and the only reason she didn't adopt me out was because of her Mum basically pressuring her into keeping me. I've known always that she resented having to spend the young years of her life looking after me - when I say we aren't close, I mean that in a "screaming matches every day while I lived at home" kinda way. So that came out pretty quick haha.

If she ever does decide to get over it all and come to see me and the baby, as long as she apologises for thinking so lowly of me and abandoning me at such a time when most young women would really need thier mother, I'd be happy to start spending time with her again. If she waits too long, however, she'd have to wait before I let her meet LO. I don't want him to meet her, grow to love his Grandma, and then to have her dissapear again. So she'd definitely need to show me that she truly meant to become part of my life again, if only to prevent her from hurting my son.

Also, the Dad thing? My real Dad, Richard, buggered off three weeks after I was born, when Mum broke up with him after finding out he'd been cheating. The man I call Dad is my stepdad, who dated Mum from when I was almost one, and married her when I was two. So while she didn't have support from my biological father, the man that I consider my father even now when technically I have no relation to him at all has alwas been there for her, excepting that first year.

 

[Romanae]

Even if your real mum's toxic as hell I'm happy that you have your adoptive mum, sounds amazing I'm in a bit of a simialt situation with my biological dads mum, who is lovely and even though I've only known Richard (biological dad) and Theresa (stepmum) for a couple years she has been very supportive and more like a mum to me than my actual mother