Mums/Moms after Recurrent Losses (MARL) - Come join us!

[wookie130]

We only wanted two children, and my body made the final decision during my c-section this last time...a third child very well may kill me, so it's not worth the risk.

 

[melfy77]

So we are back!! Summer is over, and DH is back in school. We had such a wonderful time!! In the country, on a farm, all this grass and field for the kids to run, a massive garden full of veggies!!...now we're back in the city, overcrowded...in a 4 1/2 We've already decided we're gonna do this again next summer

The kids are doing great!! Zoe is sooo tall (35'') but average weight (25 lbs) so she's got like not fat on her belly...it's all muscle and hard abs Alexa is one chubby baby!! Not crawling yet but sitting up on her own and still a boob monster as well as a terrible sleeper lol.

We'd like some more kids, but we're not gonna TTC again until April or May. We all need a break, and Alexa is much more demanding than Zoe was.

 

[vietmamsie]

I haven't been on here in ages it feels - we are just so busy with baby lucy! She is growing so fast! Already sitting on her own, eating a little solids here and there, moving all the time (seems like she might crawl any day now, but gets around by creeping and slithering across the floor!), loves to stand and will even walk across the room if you hold her hands!

She is a good sleeper as long as I hold her for every nap, which is exhausting, but otherwise we have a massive fussy grump, so worth it. Nights are finally calming down... the 4 month sleep regression lasted about 9 weeks... We were up 7-10 times a night. Slowly its starting to even out and we're back to about 4 feeds a night. I am hoping that as we start solids we will get back to our old pattern of 2 night time feeds.

Thankfully I have been saved by my husband (he works part time and mostly in the evenings so can help out during the day when I am exhausted) our new cleaner who comes twice a week and lucy loves, and a twice a week babysitter.

Hope everyone else is doing well!

 

[petitpas]

Oh vietnamsie, that's a though time you've been going through - even with all the help. I hope Lucy settles down at night soon

 

[vietmamsie]

haha, thanks. Not really complaining though, she is just such a wonderful baby and my days are so filled with joy, but a bad sleeper. Things are/will get better! Right now I just feel so lucky that we have had about a week of 'good' sleep (4 wake ups rather than double digits)

 

[melfy77]

Viet: I know the feeling. DD1 was an amazing sleeper, but DD2 still wakes up 3-4 times a night. What can I say, she likes the boob

So I need to talk to someone, but I don't want to talk to my friends and family because I know that when i do, there will be no turning back...

So last night, DH came home, and after I got out of the shower, he told me we needed to talk.

He told me that after seeing a therapist, he realized that he's gay. We had this discussion before, but he thought he was bi so it wasn't ''out of nowhere'' and we thought there was, well, hope...That hit me pretty hard...

But as if that wasn't hard enough, turns out he also had an affair...with a guy...about a year ago!!!!

Of course I'm angry and hate him at the moment, but I love him, and he's the father of my girls, and I don't know what to do. I don't want to be a single christian mom. I want a husband, I want my girls to have a father!! We haven't talked about it yet (he's crashing at a friend's place for now) but like I said I need to talk to someone, I'm totally lost i prayed last night but how the heck are we gonna get through this. It sounds horrible, but it would have been easier if he had had an affair with a woman, because at least there would be something to fix. Now there's nothing to fix because there was never anything to begin with

 

[cazi77]

Oh Hun really really don't know what to say. But want to send you huge xxxx

 

[wookie130]

OMG, Melfy...I am so, so sorry. I can't even begin to imagine how you must be feeling.

I think the best advice I can offer, is to get help for YOURSELF, professionally. You need someone to vent to, to talk about your feelings, and someone to help put things into perspective for you in a therapeutic, structured way.

I guess one thing you can be thankful for, is that your husband is finally being honest with HIMSELF, and therefore, more honest with you about who he is. No matter what happens, he is still the father of your children...you may not be able to parent your children under the same roof (if you decide to leave, divorce, etc.), but you can always parent your children TOGETHER, and that is the most important aspect in any of this.

Good luck, honey. Again, I'm so sorry...this is NOT your fault in any way, shape, or form. Your husband seems to love you enough to confront this difficult issue WITH you, even though I know he did have a gay affair, which was wrong, yes, but he has now turned to YOU with this information, and he had respect enough for you to put it on the table.



We're here for you if you need anything. Please take care, and feel free to vent to us.

 

[Starry Night]

melfy - I've been thinking of you all afternoon. I simply have no words other than I'm thinking of, and praying for you.

 

[vietmamsie]

Melfy - so sorry that you are going through this. I would agree with above comment, get some help for yourself right away. this is not the first time this has happened... talk to a therapist, look for online support, etc.

I hope you can figure out a way to make things work as friends and partners in raising your children. sending positive thoughts your way

 

[petitpas]

Oh Melfy, what a shocker!! Sending you the biggest hugs possible

The first thing that comes to my mind is how much your husband must love you! All these years he has denied his sexuality in order to be with you. It may not be fair and right in the long run but his intentions were really out of love to you. (You must be a very special person!)

I agree with the girls that it would be helpful for you to have someone with you in finding your way through this. Maybe there is an organisation that you can contact? Also, I think it would be good to have someone close to you who knows. Maybe your husband and you can tell them together?

I can imagine that your future looks frightening and it's totally acceptable to be angry worth your OH but I live in a gay-friendly town and have met a number of people who have gone through what your family is going through now. It's not nice but in the long run the likelihood is that you and your husband will be able to remain friends and be really good parents to your girls.

Sorry for the long post but really, in essence, I'm sending you hugs and thinking of you. I wish heart tree could see this. She always knows the right thing to say..

 

[melfy77]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and advice, i really appreciate it (and need it too). We are meeting with our church minister today. DH doesn't know if he can keep on, he's worried he will become resentful of the situation and he doesn't want that. I know he cares deeply for me and the girls. He keeps going on how I'll meet someone who can fully and truly love me, but I'm just realistic, a Christian 29 years old woman with 2 children...kinda done for I'm afraid Makes me enjoy motherhood even more though!! Knowing that Alexa was possibly the last baby I'll ever have...

My family is obviously supportive, and so are my in-laws. They all think we should try to make it work. To me marriage is a serious thing and cannot be broken. DH cheated on me, but he repented and I'll be able to forgive. As weird as it sounds it's not a ''deal-breaker''. For better and for worse, 'til death...just happens that our worst is...well...worst haha.

And I totally forgot, but congrats on all the new babies

 

[wookie130]

Melfy...

 

[hopeful23456]

wow, couldn't imagine having to go through all of that Melfy!
does he believe in divorce? it sounds like you would like to stay together. i'm glad you have supportive people around you! that really helps. at least it sounds like no matter what he'll be in your lives. you are very young at 29, I always hear of girls around 30 getting divorced and then they find the guy of their dreams in like 3 years. lucky girls

 

[wookie130]

I was married at 26, divorced by 31, and remarried by 32, had my first child at 34, and my second child at 36. At 29, you still do not know what plans God may have for you, Melfy!

 

[petitpas]

Gosh, I think if 'till death do us part' had a get out clause, this situation should be top of the list. It's not like you can change to a man (not easily at least ) or he can change being gay. I hope your minister is supportive of your husband so that you can find an amicable solution together.

And no, don't worry about the far future. Now is the difficult bit but once you have all sorted out your lives I'm sure love will come knocking on your door again.

I almost died when I was 29 and I can tell you I suddenly realised how very young I was! That was over five years ago and I still remind myself how lucky I am and enjoy how much life has to offer me.

 

[Starry Night]

melfy - I'm a Christian too and I also believe in marriage. I hope you and your OH can come to some sort of understanding that can make things work without there being resentment on his side.

I also understand some of the more weird aspects of the Christian sub-culture. I felt like an old maid when I was still single at 24. People tend to get married and have families younger than national average in the church. It's tough not fitting into that perfect mold of the nuclear family.

I'm glad you have so much support around you in this tough time. I'm sure it's hard on the whole extended family.

 

[melfy77]

Starry: Are you still living in Ontario? I'm in Quebec (DH is from Ontario) , so who knows if we're not too far we could meet one day

From a biblical point a view, i am allowed to ask for a divorce. Of course saving the marriage should be tried first, but in our case, I'm not really sure there is something to be saved. We'd still be friends, and down the road we'd still be able to hang out together, which would be a lot better than most marriages ending in divorce IMO.

We had a meeting with our pastor yesterday, and I really liked his approach. We obviously had to go back on the infidelity, and well...turns out it happened twice, with two different guys Two one-night stands, as well as struggling with porno (also didn't know about it but that I can accept and work on it). The pastor basically asked him to take a few days and write down EVERYTHING; his feelings, any other things he could have done, how he feels about us, about saving this marriage, etc. But honestly, deep down I can feel that it's over, and for the fist time since I found out, I actually slept good last night, as if I had finally started to accept this. I even started trying to think on how to put money on the side (we had a really tough patch last year, a lot had to do with our car), and try to qualify in a program that allows you to buy a condo without having to make a huge down-payment first. A few weeks ago I went back to my old job and talked to my boss about doing part-time, but not as a sales person on the road (I HATED that job hahaha) and turns out that he does!! So I would be aiming for 20ish hours a week. DH could come and watch the girls and my parents are also available (my mom is retired and lives 20 minutes away )

 

[petitpas]

Melfy, what a productive meeting. Your pastor sounds ace!
The one-night stands are a bit of a shocker, but in the grand scheme of things that's sort of a symptom of the bigger issue.

You're such an amazing woman! I can't believe how you're bouncing back and planning ahead already. Do you think the enormity of what's happening might hit you again later? Like sometimes with a miscarriage where when it happens you kind of deal with it but then some time later you're having your hair cut and you break down in tears? Sorry, that's a bit of a rubbish comparison but I hope you get what I mean Ultimately, there is a grieving process to go through at some point. It's nice to know that your church is supporting you.

 

[Starry Night]

melfy - I'm not in Ontario anymore. I'm in very rural Manitoba. So Quebec is pretty far these days.

I'm glad your pastor is being so helpful and supportive. It's good that you have a plan of action. It's something to focus on as you continue to grieve your relationship.