My Brother is Starting to Really Upset Me

[Charmed86]

Sorry, rant alert!!

My younger brother (He's 25), has always been really competitive. He has a daughter, who is almost 2yrs old now. She was conceived by accident & at a time that was not great for him & his gf. They'd just moved from London back home, he was living with our Nana & she was living with her mum. Neither of them had jobs. They treated their pregnancy like a burden from the word go. Even telling people they were expecting was done as though it was a mistake, they broke the news as though it was bad. They announced that neither myself or my Mum were ever allowed to see their daughter, which was upsetting. Apparently I wasn't allowed to see her because I'd made a flippant comment about some stick of rock our Mum bought back from holiday & a crack I made about his gf's shoes (She was upset that her shoes clashed with her outfit, & I said what does it matter, you can't see your feet anyway? Ok - Not really funny, but harmless. I'm a sarcastic, jokey person). I apologised for both of these things.. After my brother phoned me the night his daughter was born, to yell at me for an hour?!

Anyway, since then he's been fine & mostly because he is when he wants something.. And things for his daughter is something he wants! Of course, everyone in the family bought her lots of things, offered lots of help etc & bro was ok with this!

DH & I began TTC last year & bro made cracks about people who TTC using temping & OPKs etc. Saying they're sad, got too much time on their hands, can't they just get pregnant by accident like normal? (Bearing in mind that I have PCOS & was classed as infertile for a good 5yrs, which was my main reason for temping etc. I wanted to confirm O, as many women do). 4 irregular cycles later & I got my first ever BFP, which unfortunately ended in a CP :'( I was devastated & my bro made a comment on how upset I was, saying he thought I just got my period,what's the big deal?!

The next cycle was months long & I got my second BFP in Feb, which was a sticky! I was ecstatic. I couldn't believe it. DH & I were cautious as we didn't want anything to happen, so I took it very easy. I had quite a lot of first trimester bleeding due to a SCH. My bro would constantly make digs about how anything could happen, not to get excited, 1st trimester isn't 'really' pregnant (yeah, tell that to the woman throwing up 4-5 times a day?!). When we bought some things for the baby, he would comment on how it's too early, don't get that it's too expensive, don't do this, don't do that. It was exhausting. I stopped talking to him too much around that point.

He still makes digs now. After we found out we were having a boy (officially, I knew all along! Haha), he kept saying how boys are cr*p, girls are much better. Girls have cuter clothes etc. I love my little boy so much & I actually find boy clothes adorable, but that's not exactly why I wanted a baby anyway If that was the case, I'd buy a DOLL! This has gone on for months.

Flash forward to our conversation a couple of days ago & we were talking about one of my dogs. She's rather unpredictable & I've not been sure what to do with her. My bro made a comment about her jumping on the baby & I mentioned that she'd done that, that afternoon & had been told off for it. Of course, I meant that she'd jumped on my bump (She's only 10lbs or so & it wasn't intentional. Once told off, she just went to bed & was fine afterwards). My bro started saying how I don't have a baby yet, not 'technically'. That really upset me. He's said similar before, when we found out we were having a boy at 17wks, I told him how bizarre it felt to say I have a son! It still gets me now! And he turned around & said, well you don't yet.

He does have moments of being supportive & nice about the baby, but the majority of his comments are pretty thoughtless and hurtful. I mentioned this to DH last night & said that if this was reversed, I'd have been an outcast by now! I was told I couldn't have anything to do with their daughter because of some silly cracks I made, but he can say hurtful things?

I don't know whether I'm just being overly sensitive because of my hormones, but I'm just getting so wound up by his attitude. My Mum says he's jealous because things are right for us & he hates the fact that she is doting on our son already. Well, why wouldn't she? I am her daughter & he did say she wasn't allowed to see his daughter! My Mum can't wait to meet our little guy & has bought so many things for him already, which of course, my bro hates. The thing is, even if he is jealous, why is his behaviour seen as acceptable?!

This is just the tip of the iceberg, he's said many many more hurtful things than what I've mentioned. I really don't know what to do about him. DH is getting fed up of me complaining about him & says just to stop talking to him if he's going to be like that.

I really feel for when our little one is here because if my bro is being so competitive now, what's he going to be like when Oliver arrives? He'll be comparing O to his daughter all the time & not in private! I mentioned that a friend's baby has started to roll over at 4mths & my bro says his daughter was doing it at 2?! Ugh.

I really just want to cut him off atm, he's not ruining my pregnancy, but he is causing me unnecessary stress & upset. Yesterday, he was telling me how I feel. How all pregnant women feel. Mostly he was talking about labour & how at 7.5mths I'll start to freak out at the fact that the baby still has growing to do & saying things like 'I wish I hadn't done this'! I was very firm with him & said that I am not freaked out about labour, it's going to happen however it happens. Freaking out about it isn't going to help matters. I've become very calm about it actually. But he kept pushing me.. Of course, what do I know? I'm not 7.5mths pregnant yet. But what the hell does he know?! He's NEVER BEEN PREGNANT! He's A MAN! He's basing everything he knows on his gf & she & I are two very different people.

Sigh. I better stop really, I'm getting myself all worked up again. I just wish he'd STFU. Next time he starts saying cr*p like this, I might just tell him to do one! After all, he does keep telling me that pregnant b*tches be crazy.. Maybe I ought to live up to that.

 

[SweetV]

He sounds like an arrogant piece of work. I would personally cut my ties with him. He probably won't even understand and still continue to blame you but you don't need that kind of negativity in your life. Maybe when he has nobody left he will look to himself and see what needs to be changed.
He would have done the same to you so there isn't even a need to feel remotely guilty about it.

 

[mysteriouseye]

It may be a little bit of both.. he sounds a little bit jealous but then you are pregnant and hormonal aswell =) It’s a sibling thing I think. My sister and I are pregnant at the same time. Not intended both of ours are accidents and I actually found out four days after she told me she was pregnant. I am pregnant with my 3rd and she is pregnant with her first. Since all she has done is moan that I tried to steal her pregnancy.. this made me piss myself laughing as a) her baby was an accident just as was mine b) if I had ‘tried to steal her thunder’ which is absolutely pathetic pregnancy is not about attention its about the baby, I would have been pregnant like a month after hers. xx

 

[Mushymilkfor2]

Your brother sounds like a douche! Definitely stop talking to him, he doesn't deserve to have any kind of opinion with that kind of attitude. No one, even not pregnant, needs that kind of negativity in their lives.

And you should definitely take advantage of being called crazy to let him know what you think.

 

[hanni]

He sounds like a dick!! Just give as good as you get.
Does he realise the things he says hurt you? He might just see it as humour. He sounds like he's trying to wind you up tbh. (With 3 brothers I know all about being wound up!)
One of my brothers has a really dry sense of humour and when he visits he's all "your baby's not doing anything it's so boring!" And "it's crying take it" I know he doesn't mean anything bad by it though.

If he carries on being like that and it's really bothering you just don't see him unless you have to. Sounds so unfair.

 

[mummy2o]

I'd cut ties with him also. I just couldn't deal with him pregnant or not. I get sick of other mums comparing child A with child B. Both of the children are happy and healthy, what matters if A did something before B. Also as you said you and his girlfriend are very different people and not only that every pregnancy is different. Maybe in time you can bridge the gaps, but if he wants to childish and immature then let him and say when he grows up you'll welcome him back in your life.

As for a boy, I think they great. My son is currently 8 and I've had some great times learning all about him. And as you said the clothes can be cute and not everything is plastered with footballs or cars.

 

[AJae]

He has got a LOT of growing up still to do by the sound of it.

An utter child. Not someone your son needs as a role model.

 

[mazndave]

No wonder he thinks boys are crap, he must be basing his opinion on his own horrible personality. If he was willing to cut you out of his and your niece's life over a small joke (until he realised it was more beneficial not to) then I'd certainly have no qualms about avoiding him until he learns to behave like an adult and not a douchebag. Sorry that you've been having to put up with his behaviour at such an emotional and hormonal time.

 

[Jessicahide]

He sounds like a right know it all!!! Tell him to do one.... He is a knob!

 

[littlesteph]

wow what an arse.
his never going to under the whole TTC thing people you have never tried to fall pregnant or have only tried a few months will never really understand the feelings that come with it and the heartache month after month.
I think they maybe some jealously involved and that's why he's acting up.
I honestly do think the best thing to do is just ignore him, and just tell him to go do one, at least for now or until he decides to grow up and act his age and not like a child.

 

[CarolinDallas]

I'm sorry you're having a hard time with your brother. DH's brother is like that. I'd just cut this with him if I were you, at least for now. You guys don't need all this negativity in such sensitive time. Wish you the best.

 

[PediNurseMom]

He sounds just like my brother. I don't speak to him and I even avoid seeing him for holidays. And my life is better for it. I'd cut my ties with your brother if I were you; he's nothing but negativity and jealousy.

 

[cherrished]

Awww hun I feel for you he sounds like a complete douche bag, he should just be really happy for you, and keep his sly vile nasty comments to himself, to me it does sound like jelous but I know how competitive brothers can be my oldest brother he is 29 im 27 is the same, we both have beautiful healthy sons and he has just had another one and ive got another one on the way, everytime they expect I get pregnant shortly after I don't intend too it's just the way it goes I tried for 2 years for Zac then I got caught when they were 2 months and 3 weeks pregnant, and again 5 years for baby no2 I didn't get caught till they were 3months 2 weeks pregnant, funny way how it works but he will make the odd comment stealing the lime light again (which is defaintly not what I intended it just happens that way I try and try but don't succeed till they do lol) but with my son and nephew he is very competitive he will say things oh Harvey walked a lot sooner than zac, oh Harvey did this faster and so on etc just little (we did it well before you comments) they live 100 miles away so I love seeing them on visits but after 2 days ive had enough, we bring our children up so different im not saying I do it right he does it wrong (as he will put it) we just do a lot of things different, like he will allow fizzy pop I don't let zac drink fizzy pop like there is no tomorrow, he will let him off with not eating very much of his food but having an ice cream straight after I prefer the come on eat a little more for mummy and we will see about an ice cream being a treat, he will moan at me if he gives his son sweets and chocolate at 10pm im like no ️thankyou not just before bed zac can have some tomorrow, another thing he will moan at me is Harvey has a tv in his room and is allowed to watch tv till 1am as long as he is in his room then nods off, well I prefer zac to not watch tv till early hours (he doesn't have a tv in room) when bed its sleep time bed time quick story hugs kisses and sleep, it doesn't just stop there, my brother is never one for sharing never has been so Harvey doesn't have to share, there will be 20 cars on the floor zac will pick one which isn't being played with all hell will break lose as that certain one will be Harvey's favourite and he really needs to play with it bare in mind he has one car in each hand, and so on.... With everything else, I try not to say much as basically it's like he is very spoilt to the point he gets his own way just to have a quiet life (so they put it) then I'd get the there kids comments or come one mum let them watch tele all night then I have to be the stern parent that puts her foot down. My brother does this with everything, cars, houses, money luxury items like laptops TVs etc everything he has is better, it's just the way he has been bought up I suppose my mum always made it clear the boys were her favourite (she has 2 of each) so they got away with most things and very spoilt I suppose that's why I'm more stern, and I wouldn't say strict but I like routine for zac as I think it's a good example set to them and it's stable, and I'm more independent as ive had to be due to my child hood, I just ignore his rudeness now and take it with oh right well that's your opinion kind of approach as he can be so intense at some points and will spit his dummy out if he doesn't get his own way, I caught him once playing a video game with the boys and the did the best out of 3 well zac won 2/3 Harvey cried and kicked off so he told zac you didn't win haha Harvey did, I just thought what an idiot what sort of behaviour is that setting them, he even does it in the cars he will be in his and we will be in ours who ever gets to destination first wins all hell breaks lose if we do !!!!! I just get to point where i laugh now and I say look there ain't a right or wrong we just do things completely different and I'll get the yeah you think your stuck up comments and I don't not at all I just like routine and truthful if zac didn't win or didn't succeed at 1st I want him to pick himself back up and try again, as no point in having a tantrum till he gets his own way doesn't work like that with me, sorry long story I could go on forever but I wont, I'd be here all day, siblings do drive you complete nuts some times, try not to stress too much hun and next time
Just say yeah yeah yeah and laugh it off with a pinch of salt as ive noticed saying something back in defence starts my bro off even more xxx

 

[Mississippi03]

I dont want to sit here and talk bad about him.. Because I know i can get angry nd bad mouth my brother but i still get angry hen others do.

I think you need to put your foot down and set boundaries though. My brother can get out of hand with his comments but he thinks its funny. Sometimes i honestly have to cry or yell just to make him get it. My brother and i are truly like best friends but still somedays i could shoot him! And he was never disrespectful towards me while we struggled ttc.. Sometimes he had a lop way of doing it but whenever i was sad i knew he would be there.

But my dh on the other hand. He doesnt understand ttc. Hes more insenitive not showy that he cares. I think generally men dont understnd this or feel for it, even when its their own partner!

Follow your heart, i think you know whats best!

Ohhh and i sure hope you give your pup the chance t o surprise you. I get super heartbroken when people give up their animals after having a baby.. You are the only family theyve got, they live for you! My girls 12 pounds and she bounces off my belly all of the time, shes obsessed with me. But shes super gentle with my infant nephew and has never intentionally jumped anywhere near him.. All she does is give him a kiss and be on her way. Their dog is super crazy nd yet even still she suprised us too.. Hes protective of my nephew but pretty well leaves him be. I couldnt imagine life without my pup, i hope you cant either!

 

[Embo78]

Definitely not hormonal with this one hun. He sounds like an utter douchebag. I think it's time to completely distance yourself from him. Not cut him out completely but stop sharing things with him, don't instigate visits/communication. Just keep it very formal and at a distance. Basically don't give him anything that he can turn negative. He'll soon get the picture.

He literally sounds like such an arse hole

 

[BethMaassen]

Reminds me of my brother. Biggest difference, my brother is 23, and has no children, no partner, no life at alll. (he's what people call "basement troll") He like to tell me how to take care of my 14month old.. I always get mad at him, and tell him to get a clue. Nowadays, he tells me all doctors know sh*t. That my doctor know nothing about babies, he laughs and says "bull shit" to everything. Mind you, I have already been through this once. I have told him, go get a medical degree then come talk to me. Becuase now he is just some punk as kid who thinks he knows everything. IT is annoying.. Very annoying.

 

[mysteriouseye]

hope you guys managed to work it out xx