My heart hurts...

[ReynoldsV]

It's so hard to write about this, but I need to talk to someone...

When my DH and I started dating two years ago, I weighed like 150, give or take. I was curvy. Big boobs, big hips, the works. After we got married in March, well, since last December really, I started gaining weight. I know it may be due to inactivity and all that, but to be completely honest, I don't even look like I weigh a ton. I do look a bit chubby, but I can still see my toes, and I can still suck my stomach in enough to see my thighs and hoo-haa anyway, the sex pretty much died with my husband.

A while ago, I made him tell me why it is that he doesn't want to have sex. He told me in the kindest way he could that he wanted us to both look "good" when we have sex. He felt bad, and got tears in his eyes because that is something he never wanted to have to tell me. I started crying. I couldn't blame him, I made him tell me.

I think I may have a thyroid problem as well, considering I gained like 45lbs in a matter of a few months. Its really frustrating because I really want to work out, but I have work all day and when I get home I have to cook dinner and clean my house. I know that is not an excuse, but its just difficult sometimes.

Anyway, last night my husband and I went to a Halloween party. I told him we had to go home at 11. I wanted to make love. Who doesn't? Anyway, he wanted to stay at the party longer. I ended up insisting (not for sex but cause I was also tired but had enough energy for sex) and we went home. I took a quick shower, and he was still up. He knew we were going to dtd and I asked him if he was up for it. This is what he told me; "I am kind of drunk. I really want to sleep. But I will cuddle with you." After we had planned it, pretty much all day. Considering he had been gone for a week on business and we had only had sex twice since he had been home. I was sad.

Is it wrong of me to be upset with him because he would have gladly stayed at the party until later, but he wouldn't have sex with me? He was too tired to make love with his wife, but not tired enough to stay at a party and continue drinking?

I have thought about this a lot. We have been married for 7 months now, and I feel like there is a rough road ahead. I love him, like nothing I have ever loved before. However, I don't think he loves me. I feel like he compromised with me. I told him on one occasion that even if he looked like a big fat hairy man I would still love him. Because he is the person he is. I think my appearance is more important to him than the love he should have for me as his wife. I don't consider myself disgusting. I am REALLY clean. Shower all the time. Smell good, shave. I also cook for him and clean everything. I am the typical Mexican wife. I am at my husbands beck and call. I don't think that's enough...

Last night, I took my wedding ring off and the necklace he gave me our first Christmas, two years ago. I left them on the bedside table. I rolled over and I told him I think he should see other people and his reply was "I don't want to talk about this right now. I am too drunk." He kept trying to cuddle with me last night and I scooted away from him. I barely slept last night.

My plan of action is to work out, ignore him, share my home with him, and act like hes just there. I love him, and it will be difficult, but I am tired of being rejected. I am going to transform myself, workout, eat healthy, the works and then I will reject him. I hope he feels what I have felt for a year. I have considered divorce before, but I have never believed in getting a divorce...It hurts to think that the man I gave everything to and the man I love, doesn't love me the same.

I guess this was a vent, but also I need some advice. What do I do?

 

[Lovebug71210]

Oh hun! My heart hurts for you. I think he sounds like an ass. Not to be mean, but he does. How you look should never be more important than who you are! When I delivered my son I weighed 100 pounds more than my my husband! I had gained so much weight and was ENORMOUS and he has never ever said a word about my weight. He has always wanted to make love to me and tells me I am beatiful even when I hate myself. Your husband should be your biggest cheerleader and supporter. He should love you no differently at 350 pound or 150 pounds. I think you telling him he should see other people is letting him off too easy. I think you need to tell him that either he loves you and learns to respect you or you both move on. You dont need to lose weight to deserve love or respect!

 

[ReynoldsV]

Oh hun! My heart hurts for you. I think he sounds like an ass. Not to be mean, but he does. How you look should never be more important than who you are! When I delivered my son I weighed 100 pounds more than my my husband! I had gained so much weight and was ENORMOUS and he has never ever said a word about my weight. He has always wanted to make love to me and tells me I am beatiful even when I hate myself. Your husband should be your biggest cheerleader and supporter. He should love you no differently at 350 pound or 150 pounds. I think you telling him he should see other people is letting him off too easy. I think you need to tell him that either he loves you and learns to respect you or you both move on. You dont need to lose weight to deserve love or respect!

Thank you hun. Its hard because I feel like in order for him to love me, I need to look a certain way...He is kind and all, and provides for me, but I never thought I would have to deal with this.I wish he wouldn't make me feel so inferior for something I can't control really. I have had times where I don't eat. He has a super fast metabolism,( his whole family does) so they can eat whatever they want and not gain a pound. His sister is tall and weighs like 105lbs. Shes beautiful. And here I am, having to be compared to them. His mom weighs 100lbs. They all eat twice as much as I do. I know this is horrible, but its to the point that I have considered doing some horrible things. I have faith in God though, so I would never do such a thing, but it gets so difficult. I don't know what to do anymore...

 

[Lovebug71210]

I totally understand. DH weighs 154. He has our entire marriage! His mom weighs about 100- if that! When we got married I was 197, when I delievered our son I was 260, and now I am back around 200. He has NEVER said a word about my weight. When we first met in high school I was about 135. He has seen me at all different weights and has never treated me different. If your husband loves you then your weight shouldnt matter to him.

 

[ReynoldsV]

I totally understand. DH weighs 154. He has our entire marriage! His mom weighs about 100- if that! When we got married I was 197, when I delievered our son I was 260, and now I am back around 200. He has NEVER said a word about my weight. When we first met in high school I was about 135. He has seen me at all different weights and has never treated me different. If your husband loves you then your weight shouldnt matter to him.

When we first started dating I weighed like 145. I wasn't happy with myself. He gave me a lot of encouraging words. When I started gaining weight is when I noticed that the sex went away. A few weeks ago, he actually told me he wished I looked like I did in high school.

I had lunch with my mom today, and she weighs like 235. My dad gives her crap about it, but he still loves to have sex with her. I don't understand what the deal is with my husband. I have never thought he cheated on me, but I don't know if maybe he still has feelings for a girl he liked before me. Whenever we see her around town, he gets all red and nervous and his heart beats fast. Am I misinterpreting this? I don't know...I told him that if he doesn't love me the way I love him, its time to move on. He is working out of town today, so I texted it to him. He hasn't replied.

My mom thinks he has low libido. Cause he just doesn't want to have sex. She thinks it may be because he burns hormones and all that, super fast. He weighs like 135. He is 6ft and he is real thin. I don't know if that's just my mom trying to make me feel better or what, but I am not really relying on it. EVERY man has an urge to have sex, and they have to satisfy it. What's wrong with him? I asked him at one point if he was gay, and he got really angry at me. I didn't know what else to ask him. That was my only other explanation.

 

[Lovebug71210]

Yeah thats a tough situation. I mean I guess he could have low libidio. I mean its not common in younger guys, but I guess its possible. Would he consider marriage counseling?

 

[ReynoldsV]

Yeah thats a tough situation. I mean I guess he could have low libidio. I mean its not common in younger guys, but I guess its possible. Would he consider marriage counseling?

I don't know. I wrote him a letter today, I cried while I typed it. I think marriage counseling would probably be a good thing. I don't know where to get it though?