My husband isn't attracted to me anymore

[Butters519]

Hi ladies. I'm not sure if I'm even posting this in the right forum or not, but I am so desperate for some emotional support. I am 25 weeks pregnant today. My husband has pretty much lost interest in me about a month ago, which is also about when I started to show. I am already feeling self conscious about how I look, which I think is pretty normal. My pants don't button up anymore and I'm just feeling huge.

Anyway, I have discussed this with my husband multiple times and we have been arguing for 3 days straight now. He insists that he doesn't find me repulsive and that he still finds me attractive and that he still wants a sexual relationship with me, but that is just not happening. He has turned me down every time I've asked, despite me following his suggestions on how and when I ask. He told me his sex drive has decreased (he's 36) and he doesn't know why. He said it may be due to stress at work, or that he has gained weight and is self-conscious about how he looks, or that he isn't really physically active. The thing is, none of that has changed in the last several months with the exception of some extra stress at work. However, with Covid this year, I don't think stress has been in short supply for anyone and it didn't affect our sex life until a month ago or so.

I am absolutely devastated right now. I feel like I just want someone to get this baby out of me. I don't want to be pregnant anymore. I don't want to have a baby anymore. I don't want to look like this at all and I don't want to feel like I'm disgusting and repulsive. This is my second baby, my son is 12 years old now. I did not feel this way with my first pregnancy. I felt good until I just ended up so uncomfortable in the last month or so. Do any of you have any suggestions for how I can help myself? I'm at the point that I have given up on the sex part, I just don't want to feel this way and I want to feel good about myself. I don't want to lose control of my mental health for the next 15 weeks. Please help!

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

Talk to a therapist. Take your husband

 

[JAJuly2013]

I am sorry you are feeling this way. I have heard that sometimes men just feel weird having sex with their pregnant significant other because of the fact the baby is there...between the two of you while you are doing the deed. He may not even realize he feels that way. Or doesn't want to admit it. I doubt he isnt attracted to you. Maybe in time he will come around.
I am overweight and let me tell ya I have severe self esteem issues. I always think I look fat and gross. My husband used to tell me all the time that I'm beautiful or that I look good. But I always scoff so he stopped telling me that as much. Apparently it offends him if I think I look bad because what does that say about him and his taste in women? Oye!
I'm 15 weeks today with my 4th child and showing.
But most people wouldn't be able to tell so I feel like I'm in that awkward stage and just look super fat. It's not a fun feeling. So all that to say, I understand how you feel. The feeling will pass once you have a legit bump and can proudly show it off.

 

[Kiwiberry]

I agree with @JAJuly2013 , he probably just feels uncomfortable right now because the baby is between you two. Sometimes it's the man that feel this way & sometimes the women. I am like this but my OH isn't. I feel uncomfortable having sex while pregnant but my OH likes it. It does make him feel unattractive sometimes and I just keep reminding him how I really feel & that it's not him at all.

Maybe talk to him again & try to see if he will open up to you about it. Maybe you both can get all your feelings out on the table to help better understand where each of you is coming from.

 

[DobbyForever]

Got to second everyone and that ultimately it’ll be good to talk to a therapist if you can (to help with your stress but also how to communicate with hubs) and then talk to hubs. as far as Covid, we hit that second wave (at least in the US) really hard the last month. I think a lot of places started feeling good, things were opening... it really started to feel like things might actually go start towards the status quo. Not saying it is covid stress but like you said doesn’t help things. I hope it works out and you are able to enjoy remaining weeks of your pregnancy

 

[Becca_89]

Hello, sorry to hear this.
My partner is struggling also, it isn't that he is no longer attracted to me, but he has openly admitted he feels weird, and hes paranoid hes going to hurt the baby or me. after our last time DTD he said I love your bump but it scares me! I couldn't help but see the funny side, but completely got it and appreciated his honesty. Now I just wind him up :/ not sure if thats the right thing to do lol. But where I am going with this is it seems its very common, I have asked a few girlfriends who have said their partners were or are the exact same and some even felt that way themselves! Im sure it will all come back, try and have some romantic time together, to get glammed up and you can feel sexy in yourself, I always find that help xxxx

 

[Becca_89]

Also for your mental health, as others have suggested a therapist might be good. Otherwise maybe some meditation, or if they are on in your area, a baby yoga class might help to connect with yourself and also baby.
Treat yourself to a massage if they are running, to have some down time and a chance to feel good and relaxed. Pregnancy isn't easy and your hormones are everywhere! Remember what an amazing thing your body is doing, you are growing another human inside of you, it will take its toll sometimes, but its also a miracle! Super Mum!

 

[Butters519]

Thank you for the replies, ladies. We did end up having a huge argument about this topic. It turns out he is watching porn and jacking off... even after the argument stopped and we actually talked through it. I had thought things would improve because he told me he isn't afraid of hurting me or the baby, he doesn't find me unattractive, he still wants a sexual relationship with me, etc. He's saying all the "perfect things", and doing the complete opposite. I'm done caring. If he wants porn and lube, then that's what he can have. This is very damaging to me, but I have to focus on self-preservation at this point, if that makes sense. I got 2 hours of sleep because of this, and I came to work 2 hours early just because I was tired of laying there hating on myself. I made the decision that this will not happen to me again. I refuse to be second to porn and I refuse to allow a man's decision to do such negatively impact me again.

I haven't figured out what I need to do yet, but I will. If I just have to stay busy and live a different life, then fine. I have my horse, so I will just go to the barn every day and he can watch porn and jack off. I will rely on my support network, which currently does not include him because he has shown blatant disregard for my feelings.

 

[Deethehippy]

I think 90% of men probably watch porn and jack off if the truth be told!!.....that DOES not mean that they do not still love and fancy their significant others..I guess It's just an easier way to get off sometimes.
Also a lot of men find it weird having sex with a pregnant woman..they worry they could hurt the baby or something or that the baby could feel it..it doesn't affect his sexual attraction to you or his love for you!!!
Love isn't all about sex remember.
I'm sorry you have a bad body image right now..pregnancy is so short..try to embrace it and enjoy it..it will be over before you know it and your body will go back to normal.
Don't let this come between you and your OH

 

[Butters519]

I think 90% of men probably watch porn and jack off if the truth be told!!.....that DOES not mean that they do not still love and fancy their significant others..I guess It's just an easier way to get off sometimes.
Also a lot of men find it weird having sex with a pregnant woman..they worry they could hurt the baby or something or that the baby could feel it..it doesn't affect his sexual attraction to you or his love for you!!!
Love isn't all about sex remember.
I'm sorry you have a bad body image right now..pregnancy is so short..try to embrace it and enjoy it..it will be over before you know it and your body will go back to normal.
Don't let this come between you and your OH

At this point, I have vocalized how I feel on multiple occasions. I am not being heard or respected, and I feel that I am being lied to. I'm done. He can go and watch his perfect women and not touch me like he wants.

 

[Deethehippy]

At this point, I have vocalized how I feel on multiple occasions. I am not being heard or respected, and I feel that I am being lied to. I'm done. He can go and watch his perfect women and not touch me like he wants.

I hope I didn't come across as harsh before, I didn't mean to. I just think it's hard for some men to have sex during pregnancy..for various reasons but it wouldn't stop his love for you!
Your hormones and being so tired won't help how you feel about all this right now. Maybe try to discuss again with him tomorrow (not today when you are wound up and exhausted) and try to see it from his point of view a bit too?
I really hope you will feel better about things soon. Otherwise like the other ladies said a counsellor that you both go to may help a lot.

 

[Butters519]

I hope I didn't come across as harsh before, I didn't mean to. I just think it's hard for some men to have sex during pregnancy..for various reasons but it wouldn't stop his love for you!
Your hormones and being so tired won't help how you feel about all this right now. Maybe try to discuss again with him tomorrow (not today when you are wound up and exhausted) and try to see it from his point of view a bit too?
I really hope you will feel better about things soon. Otherwise like the other ladies said a counsellor that you both go to may help a lot.

You didn't come across as harsh, I apologize if I did. I'm just very frustrated with this situation.

 

[JAJuly2013]

I'm so sorry to hear this update. I understand how you are feeling and I would feel the same way. I wish I had other advice or helpful consoling words to offer. I pray you can find peace in this situation and that he will come to understand how you feel and respect you more. Thinking of you!

 

[DobbyForever]

I do agree that it’s very common for any partner to use porn as an outlet. It’s difficult when you prefer to have that outlet as partners. Outside of sex, how are things? Sorry if you already said. You deserve to feel loved and respected, and if things can be salvaged then absolutely work through it. If not, leading separate lives while together isn’t healthy for anyone.

 

[Butters519]

I do agree that it’s very common for any partner to use porn as an outlet. It’s difficult when you prefer to have that outlet as partners. Outside of sex, how are things? Sorry if you already said. You deserve to feel loved and respected, and if things can be salvaged then absolutely work through it. If not, leading separate lives while together isn’t healthy for anyone.

Things are ok as long as I don't bring that particular topic up. I've just given up on it because I'm sick of arguing.

 

[autumnal]

I'm sorry you are feeling neglected. Try and remember this is just a temporary problem and things will probably get back to normal when you're not pregnant anymore.. it does sound to me like he is probably feeling a bit weird about it and making up excuses, perhaps in some attempt to spare your feelings.

 

[DobbyForever]

Hugs. I’m sorry, I hope you can find your joy again whether it’s with him or apart. Maybe with time and you not asking he’ll seek it out? Or perhaps it will go back to norm post partum. Even if it does, this breakdown in communication on his end is not something to sweep under the rug. Marriage isn’t puppies and unicorns all day every day. You gotta get through the tough stuff, too. Hopefully he comes around.