My Miscarriage Story

[sylvialh]

I'm currently completing (I hope) my miscarriage. I was 13 weeks according to my last period. I had had an easy pregnancy, almost no nausea, and only sightly sore breasts. We went for an aging ultrasound only because we weren't convinced that we were so far along (we thought more like 8 weeks)

at the ultrasound the tech said the baby measured 8 weeks and we were actually kind of laughing because that's how far along that we thought we should be. Then she said that she couldn't find the heartbeat and that she should be able to at that size.

we didn't know what that meant, and she just said she would have the dr look at the ultrasound report and then call our midwife. She said to call the midwife in an hour. We knew that was all bad news but tried to stay positive.

Our midwife called about 20 minutes after we got home to say we had miscarried. We were heartbroken, obviously. I started drinking pretty much immediately and some friends (who are 5 months pregnant) came over for support. That was on Wednesday.

On thursday I stayed home from school, having gotten some extensions. I went to school and work on Friday & Saturday. I was on my feet all day Fri & Sat. I had a few spots on Sat & Sunday but nothing started until Sunday night. Monday I had a heavy period. Tuesday we were at our family dr and she gave us a prescription to help us pass it but thought it would probably pass naturally because it had already started.

Our family dr asked if I was staying home during this time and I said no. I should have just said yes, gotten a note and gone home!!

I went to school after the appointment, and had a few cramps on the way. At school I got a really painful cramp and went to the bathroom. A few minutes later I went back to class, and only a few minutes after that I had another one and left again. I realized I would not be able to go back, but my phone was also in the classroom.

I waited outside the class until a lady walked by and I asked her to help me and get my phone. She got the phone but didn't stick around to see what was wrong even though I was obviously in pain.

I called my friend to pick me up but I had no signal, so I had to leave the building. It was really cold outside and I was super upset. My friend didn't answer so I called my Mother in law. She was on her way, but I was afraid she would not find me because the building I was in is a maze and I hadn't been able to describe where I was because I wanted to get somewhere easier. My phone was also on low battery and I didn't know her number by heart - typical!

I tried to get to the main school building but on the way I had a really bad contraction and had to lie on the floor. I was in a lot of pain when all of a sudden three student nurses appeared and asked me what was going on.

I told them and they said I should go to health services, which was down the hall. I tried to get up but couldn't so we stayed there. I asked one to call my MIL and to save the number because my phone was dying. I kept trying to change position and get more comfortable but they kept asking me to put my head down because I was very white.

Two security guards appeared and one kept asking me questions that I didn't want to answer (just normal stuff - name, DOB, student number). They called an ambulance. They also asked if I wanted to go into a nearby classroom and they emptied it (there were just 2 people) but again I couldn't move.

I said I wanted to go to the bathroom but it was too far away. So I asked them to empty the mens, which was closer. They said ok, but again I couldn't get up.

Finally my MIL arrived and I was still lying on the floor in a lot of pain. The pain slowly subsided and I was just exhausted. Then the ambulance came so I went with them

While I was in the ambulance I could feel blood trickling out of me. I knew that I had bled too much for the pad I had on that I was leeking, but I didn't feel too bad physically.

When I got to the hospital I was able to go to the bathroom and as soon as I sat down I felt something slide out and I heard a big plop. There was blood everywhere but I didn't flush because I wanted to see it. I thought the DR would get it out and I could see it. I cried out when it happened and my husband reassured me it was ok. I came out of the washroom and he went in and flushed. I was sad that it was gone, but I also felt silly wanting to see it. I'm sure it would have been really gross.

As soon as it fell out I also felt really relieved that it was over. I also felt guilty for feeling relieved.

Two days later I am still really sad that I didn't get to see it. I have dreams about what it looked like (mostly just a round red sac), and I feel empty and tearful. I haven't said anything to my husband because I know he feels terribly that the whole thing happened at school while he was at the movies. I don't want him to feel bad because there was no way we could have known that would happen- we had just been at the dr hours before!

 

[lilithc]

It all started with an iPod update, yes an iPod update. I kept all the data around my menstrual cycles nicely stored within a lovely app, and I organised my sex (and everyday) life accordingly.
So, yeah, the iPod update. Well, that update caused the loss of all the data I held on my monthly cycle. I felt lost, I could not remember when my last period was and I was just feeling “funny”. I decided to take a pregnancy test - surely this could not have happened, I am not mumsy at all, this is a bad time! But it did, the test was faintly positive, and then it hit me “could this be true”? Four tests later I was convinced that it was, and then… panic. We cannot possibly afford this, I have to work twelve hour shifts just for two of us to scrape by, nevermind three! Am I what a “mother” is cut out to be? Am I capable of being responsible for another life totally dependent on me when I cannot even remember to turn the light off when I exit the kitchen? Am I going to hate that child for stealing my independence? What if I give birth to the next Ted Bundy? I mean, let’s face it we are both just a little bit “odd”. The only thing that never crossed my mind was the following: “How would I feel if I lost whatever was inside me? Not through any fault or decision of mine, just if I happened to lose it.” And that was the only question which would have rendered all the others insignificant.
The doctor confirmed there was a pregnancy, even though all they did is take my word for it and prescribe me with this magic “folic acid” which I was to start taking immediately. So I did, and suddenly, I felt I had started taking care of something I previously was not so sure I desired. My partner was in the same state of disbelief I was, and had gone through the same exact feelings of denial “You are kidding, right?”… panic “We cannot afford to raise a child can we?”… and finally acceptance “Ezra would be a nice name for a boy... and I think Isobel for a girl”.
After all the aforementioned stagesand multitude of emotions, I felt something which can only be described as happiness. I was actually happy; there was the prospect of me giving life to a tiny person who would be wholly created by us and wholly dependent on us, even though that last part scared me to death.
And then it came, the first drop of brown spotting. I did not panic as I had heard all the “expert” opinions on the subject… “sometimes there is some remaining blood from your last period”… “implantation bleeding, definitely”… “do not worry, some women experience bleeding all the way through and reach full term, giving birth to healthy babies”… “the placenta might be growing low, take it easy” you get the gist.
I started spotting on what was the fifth week of my pregnancy, there was barely anything there, size-wise there was probably a tiny pinhead implanted on my uterine wall nothing more than that, yet I felt like I was carrying Jesus Christ. No, I was not a virgin and no, I smelt no lilies and yes, the feeling was probably based on some archetypal Christian remains due to my upbringing in a Greek Christian Orthodox society, but I felt great! Even though my boobs were hurting, even though I had to run to the toilet more often than I would like, I felt great!

Following that, I felt… scared and worried! A visit to my GP was all it took for me to end up in the local Early Pregnancy Assessment Unit.

Blood test 1: HCG levels of 195, come back in two days.
Blood test 2: HCG levels at 297, not quite doubling but it could be too early.
Blood test 3: HCG levels at 541, well done, appropriate rise.
Blood test 4: HCG levels at 1621 appropriate rise, we will book you in for an ultrasound!

At that point, I started actually believing that I had to take my mind off the little voice inside me, which told me everything was going wrong, and started believing in numbers and doctors. HCG is rising perfectly fine and appropriately to the gestation week I should be at... "Great"! I was told to return to the hospital the next day for an ultrasound with a full bladder. So, I drank the OCEAN, seriously, I drank more than I had ever drunk before. Three litres of water in less than three hours (two toilet trips later, I was ready for my scan). It seemed that everyone, but me, had believed in numbers and doctors, people started saying “stop worrying, it will be fine”… “We will not discuss this spotting situation every night for the next seven plus months are we?”… “don’t be silly, it is just one of them things, as long as the hormone levels are rising you will be a - ok.”
Suddenly, six weeks pregnant, I found myself in a dark room full of strange women, all eager to see shape in the white noise of the ultrasound machine.

Abdominal ultrasound: “Cannot see much, her bladder is too full. Go to the toilet and come back.”

- Piss interval –

Transvaginal ultrasound: “I cannot see anything; her bladder is still too full. Let me try with a higher sensitivity attachment.”

Transvaginal ultrasound 2: Tubes clear, ovaries clear (good news, no ectopic). Uterus… CLEAR (silence).

That was the longest, most deafening silence I had ever experienced, the lights came on... “it could be too early, the endometrium is thickened but I cannot get a clear picture.” So another blood test was in order.

“If the hormone is still rising we will schedule another ultrasound next week, if they are falling however, it will indicate that you have either miscarried or you are in the process of miscarrying.” And then the answer finally hit me “Yes, I was bothered about what happened to my little tiny pinhead, I did want my tiny pinhead and yes I felt like my heart was about to be ripped out”.

Blood test 5: HCG levels 1400

I could not stop the tears from falling, even though Nurse Corrine was extremely understanding and obviously really gutted too. “I am sorry darling, but it seems like you are miscarrying, there is nothing you could have done differently and you could go on and have a football team if you want, but this one was not meant to be.”
And there it was, that familiar feeling of helplessness, a feeling of emptiness and loss. I was certain I had experienced that one fifteen years ago when my mother had suddenly passed away, and it was the same exact feeling of numbing internal pain over something so final I could not possibly change.

-“What about me Corinne? Where does that leave me? Is my body going to recover quickly? Will I have to go through a D & C? WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME?”

- “You will be fine darling, your body will recover but you have to come back in three days for another blood test so we can make sure your HCG levels are still dropping and then we will discuss what to do from there. And this happens to a lot of people, do not blame yourself.”

I did not weep until I was in the safety of my own parked car. And then I wept, and wept and wept some more. It was not so much what I had lost, but what I would not get a chance to have. It was for my dreams, my hopes and my vague imprerssion of what that child might have looked like. Would it have my hair, would it be unfortunate enough to have my partner’s nose? I would never be able to find out. I am not silly, I know that those thoughts were completely irrational given the short time of my pregnancy but I could not help but having them (blame it on the hormones). I felt useless, unable to give life to something without killing it (kinda like a short-lived goldfish which you failed to feed for a week), I felt helpless, alone and most of all… EMPTY.
Then I had to break the news to the people who love me, and that was hurting me even more. I also had to break the news to my partner, who after years of coping with my hypochondria, thought that the danger of the spotting - come bleeding was all in my head. But this time, the only time, he was not right.

Three days later I had another blood test.

Blood test 6: HCG levels 200…

Then the contractions started… but I was alright with that, I go through those every month anyway… THANK YOU PRIMARY DYSMENORRHEA!!! It was all good.
I have tried not to look back, after all shit happen they say. I have tried to reason with myself and be cynical about it, but I cannot be. I cannot sit here and be romantic about it either. I know exactly what I would say to myself if I was not the one experiencing the feeling of loss, I would say “come on, you will be fine, it was very early you are young and you will try again etc.”… that was what I actually said to the people who I have had to break the news to… “I am alright, these things happen, we are young, it will happen at some point, no biggy”… what I really wanted to say though was “please leave me alone, I am dying inside”.
I do not feel any guilt, shame or anything of the sort, about what happened to me. It happens everyday and it is a deeply disturbing experience, to say the least. Some choose not to talk about it - I know many of you who have gone down that path - and I respect that, but I chose to write about it... I found it almost cathartic writing about it. As the days passed, I feel that noone mentions it, and I understand why (after all there is not much to say), but I needed to remember this, I needed to document and to share it, as Pierre Corneille puts it "One often calms one's grief by recounting it".

 

[monetka01]

Hi all, i thought it would be good for me (and you guys if you feel you can) to write on here your story about your miscarriages/losses. I dont want to glorify what happened at all, but i feel as though by sharing my story i might be able to help someone. Please add your stories.

When everything started to happen i was 10 weeks 6 days. It was a friday, i was just about to get in the bath when i noticed some brown blood in my underwear. I didnt think too much of it and decided to wait until the morning before calling NHS direct. By the morning there was more brown blood so i called. They told me to get some rest and relax and if there was any red blood or pain to call them back. All through the saturday i had no bleeding whatsoever so i thought that was it.

When i woke up on sunday morning the bleeding had got heavier, it was red and i was passing lots of tiny little clots..but the bleeding wasnt heavy at all. I decided it would be best if i popped to the out of hours GP at the hospital. He told me that as my bleeding was not heavy that everything was fine, but scheduled me an early scan for the following wednesday.

All through monday was the same, but during the night i started to get a colicy type pain..it felt as though i had a bit of a dodgy tummy, it was uncumfy but i managed to get a bit of sleep.

I woke up on tuesday still getting this pain, was more like bad period pains and was coming in waves. By 1 o clock the pain was getting pretty bad, so i thought i would have a bath to see if it would ease it. I had got in the bath and the pain was so bad i could hardly get out..i was breathing through each contraction, and with each one more blood would come out. I managed to get out of the bath, dried myself and layed on the floor. I couldnt even stand up the pain was so bad so i rung NHS direct again. They sent an ambulance for me as i could hardly speak. The contractions were coming 30 seconds apart and each one lasting for about 90secs. The pain felt as though someone was pulling out my insides. By the time i got to the hospital they gave me some gas and air.

After about a further 3 hours on the gas and air the contractions subsided, and i was in no pain whatsoever!! The doctor examined me and said "oh if you are having a m/c then at least you can try again" I can remember thinking no one was telling me what was going on. All i wanted to know was if my baby was okay. They also refused to scan me until the weds.

On the wednesday i went to the scan. I think i knew deep down after all the pain and blood there would be nothing there. They told me that the baby measured 7 weeks and there was no heartbeat. We were then sent to the gyne ward where i was examined and she pulled away tissue from my cervix. I can remember thinking to myself "was that the baby?"

A week later i went for the second scan and got the all clear. It was a relief but at the same time it was sad. I kinda thought they would be wrong and up would pop a healthy heartbeat.

In hindsight i had an orangey discharge for a week or so before the m/c. I dont know if it had anything to do with the m/c but thought i would mention it.

We decided to start trying as soon as i stopped bleeding. Although im pretty sure i didnt ovulate that cycle at all. When my period arrived i felt absolutely gutted.. i found i was more upset and emotional now than when the m/c had happened.

To this day i still think about my baby every hour, nearly every thought is ocuppied about "what i would be doing/eating/saying if i was still pregnant" I also think i grieve more of where i should be in my pregnancy, than for the actual process of m/c. I also appreciate that when i need to cry, i cry...when i need to get angry i do. Otherwise it would just eat me up inside.

I hope this stories, and yours if you add them will help someone.

xx

So sorry for you loss. Everyone's loss is unique to their own experience but I found true comfort in knowing and believing in God's will and He knows best. I got married at the end of August, 2010 and got pregnant around the 2nd week of September. Unfortunately, I miscarried on the 31st of October, and the fetus measured at 7.2 weeks. That was the most terrible experience of my life, I felt as if I was in labor for a dead fetus. The pain lasted at least 18 hours. But after everything ended, me and my husband were able to move on. Then in December, I had no period for 59 days, then the bleeding and horrible cramping started. I'm fairly sure it was my 2nd m/c, it was a lot heavier than usual period and lasted for 8 days. Then the worst happens, it's been almost 2 years and I haven't been able to get pregnant, at all. My periods were so irregular, some months 32 days, some 28 days, some 48 days. I finally signed up for Fertility services, found out my TSH was at 7.13, official hypothyroidism. Started on Levothyroxine in late August and got my HSG done on August 25th,2012 (LMP being August 20th). HSG came back normal with no visible blockage. Then on 10/4/12 I took a pregnancy test, it was slightly positive (but very early). OB ran HcG tests to confirm pregnancy and confirm that it at least doubled within 48 hours (which it more than doubled). Everything was normal, I felt super pregnant. Me and my husband were over whelmed with JOY! On 11/6 we got our first transV U/S with confirmed heartbeat at 7.5 weeks, I felt as if I was in heaven. Of course we shared the news with everyone (within our family). At the same time, my husband's brother's wife was pregnant too and she just got off BCP, she was 2 months ahead of me.
On 12/4/12, I had my 2nd ultrasound, I was 11.5 weeks (or so I thought). Turns out, the fetus is still stuck at 7th week of development, (remember that we had heard the heartbeat at 7.5 weeks ). So sometime between that Tuesday and Thursday, something had occurred. I didn't have ANY bleeding, no weird discharge until Monday morning (12/3/12). I got a weird orange discharge in the am then brownish/reddish spotting by 5 pm that day. No cramps, nothing.

I didn't think I will make it home that day from my appt, I was praying that something would happen to me before I make it home. I didn't know how I was going to live. And my husband? It hit him the worst, I've never thought I would see a man break down this way. It was terrible. The only thing that saved us from the breakdown is our strong faith in God and His decree. Here I am, with my dead baby inside me, hoping to make it until tomorrow for my d&c so that I can ask for tissue examination and testing. I'm only 27, I don't have any female disorders, uterus is perfect, blood work is good, my thyroid is at 3.0. I didn't even take Tylenol, for my once a week terrible migraines, for the 1st 2 months.

I do want to point out that my mother started TTC at 25 and she had 5 m/c before having me and my brother. She also had abnormally structured uterus and rh- blood type , where the antibodies attack the fetus . (At the time in my country, we didn't have any options for that blood type, so she was only able to have 2 children). After 5 m/c she was finally able to successfully conceive and carry to term at age of 29 and she got pregnant with my brother 2 moths afterwards.

I'm very hopeful, I just know that everyone is born into this world and leaves this world at appointed time. Everything happens for a reason and only God knows why. The best thing to do is thank God and pray for another chance, and know that only God works miracles.

One of my husbands coworker's wife was told that she will NEVER have a child, by multiple physicians, due to injury that she endured during childhood fall, long story short, her uterus was unable to house a healthy pregnancy to term. She kept miscarrying and then stopped trying. She was only 19. Just recently she gave birth to a health baby boy! Stories like that inspire me to have hope. Don't ever compare yourself to another (in a negative or positive way). We are all unique individuals. The best thing to do is stay positive, take care of currently present issues (maybe it's living situation, financial stability, or perhaps a bad characteristics). Only God will know what you deserve and what you will receive. It is not our job. I hope my story helps, even if it's just 1 person. God bless

 

[bakeranm99]

Hi all, i thought it would be good for me (and you guys if you feel you can) to write on here your story about your miscarriages/losses. I dont want to glorify what happened at all, but i feel as though by sharing my story i might be able to help someone. Please add your stories.

When everything started to happen i was 10 weeks 6 days. It was a friday, i was just about to get in the bath when i noticed some brown blood in my underwear. I didnt think too much of it and decided to wait until the morning before calling NHS direct. By the morning there was more brown blood so i called. They told me to get some rest and relax and if there was any red blood or pain to call them back. All through the saturday i had no bleeding whatsoever so i thought that was it.

When i woke up on sunday morning the bleeding had got heavier, it was red and i was passing lots of tiny little clots..but the bleeding wasnt heavy at all. I decided it would be best if i popped to the out of hours GP at the hospital. He told me that as my bleeding was not heavy that everything was fine, but scheduled me an early scan for the following wednesday.

All through monday was the same, but during the night i started to get a colicy type pain..it felt as though i had a bit of a dodgy tummy, it was uncumfy but i managed to get a bit of sleep.

I woke up on tuesday still getting this pain, was more like bad period pains and was coming in waves. By 1 o clock the pain was getting pretty bad, so i thought i would have a bath to see if it would ease it. I had got in the bath and the pain was so bad i could hardly get out..i was breathing through each contraction, and with each one more blood would come out. I managed to get out of the bath, dried myself and layed on the floor. I couldnt even stand up the pain was so bad so i rung NHS direct again. They sent an ambulance for me as i could hardly speak. The contractions were coming 30 seconds apart and each one lasting for about 90secs. The pain felt as though someone was pulling out my insides. By the time i got to the hospital they gave me some gas and air.

After about a further 3 hours on the gas and air the contractions subsided, and i was in no pain whatsoever!! The doctor examined me and said "oh if you are having a m/c then at least you can try again" I can remember thinking no one was telling me what was going on. All i wanted to know was if my baby was okay. They also refused to scan me until the weds.

On the wednesday i went to the scan. I think i knew deep down after all the pain and blood there would be nothing there. They told me that the baby measured 7 weeks and there was no heartbeat. We were then sent to the gyne ward where i was examined and she pulled away tissue from my cervix. I can remember thinking to myself "was that the baby?"

A week later i went for the second scan and got the all clear. It was a relief but at the same time it was sad. I kinda thought they would be wrong and up would pop a healthy heartbeat.

In hindsight i had an orangey discharge for a week or so before the m/c. I dont know if it had anything to do with the m/c but thought i would mention it.

We decided to start trying as soon as i stopped bleeding. Although im pretty sure i didnt ovulate that cycle at all. When my period arrived i felt absolutely gutted.. i found i was more upset and emotional now than when the m/c had happened.

To this day i still think about my baby every hour, nearly every thought is ocuppied about "what i would be doing/eating/saying if i was still pregnant" I also think i grieve more of where i should be in my pregnancy, than for the actual process of m/c. I also appreciate that when i need to cry, i cry...when i need to get angry i do. Otherwise it would just eat me up inside.

I hope this stories, and yours if you add them will help someone.

xx

I'm so sorry for your loss, I have to say it sounds much more painful than mine, as I had morphine coursing through my veins throughout the whole experience (I was 14 weeks and the doctor decided to induce labor to get everything on it's way before the long weekend- memorial day). I think this post is a great idea, so I am going to post my story after this.

Also, you mentioned the orange-y blood prior to the mc. I think that it is possible it is connected. Recently I had a chemical pregnancy at 4 weeks. I had a brown discharge (which I thought was implantation bleeding), then 2 days of no spotting, the full on red. I think the body takes a minute to get moving sometimes... Either that or it really was implantation bleeding in my case. I think that the most difficult part of pregnancy in general is that no woman is the exact same and it's hard to tell what is "normal" since we are all so different...

 

[bakeranm99]

Great idea for a post! Get the feelings out!

MC1- I was 14 weeks along, or so I thought. I went to the doctor for my check up. She couldn't find a heartbeat with a doppler, so she sent me for an ultrasound. The baby had passed at 13.2 weeks. I was medically induced 2 days later, she said it would be better to get things finished before Memorial Day weekend. I waited 4 hours and the baby was out, then 5.5 more hours before the afterbirth. I thought things were fine, as the ultrasound showed all clear.

1 month later, I thought it was time for AF, but after a month of heavy/light/on-off bleeding, and even negaitve pregnancy tests, I hemorrhaged and needed a blood transfusion and a D&C (personally I think this should have been done to begin with). Turns out that although urine tests were negative, this whole time I had HCG of about 6 two months after my miscarriage (and blood test determined I was pregnant). After the hemorrhaging, they said my levels were going down and that I the blood test finally said I wasn't pregnant anymore. I was put back on the pill and on iron supplements as I was anemic from the long term bleeding. Overall it was awful, but I think that my doctor made it worse. The D&C should have been done to begin with- everyone I have spoke with said that it was ludacris for that not to have been non-negotiable.

MC2- I was only 4 weeks. It was the first month we had even tried to conceive, and the first month back off bc. I had a feeling I was, as I had been tracking when we bded and the days for implantation bleeding (I think) were right on track. Two days later, I started heavy-periodlike bleeding. I swear it felt like my heart was going to beat right out of my chest. I have been so nervous as the only experiences I have had with mc are that they are incomplete and result it anemia and hemorrhaging. It ended up being similar to a normal af and nothing to worry about. However, this AF following it, has been less than semi-normal... makes me nervous. I go to the doctor for a so-called annual tomorrow, so hopefully they will give me answers and maybe check everything out!

Overall, mc is difficult and scary. It's such a taboo subject. The most difficult part I think is that no one pregnancy is the exact same, nor mc, or af. It's hard to determine what is "normal". Fear of the uncertainty can be overwhelming and stressful. I hope all you ladies find the strength to heal and get help if you need it!

 

[thelowlander]

I sit here on my couch still trying to collect myself. I am numb and ever so lost. I am so thankful for all you ladies who have shared your stories. I just can't get past the horrific events that have happened and yet the mesmorizing life stopping moment of seeing my baby. The overwhelming swarm of emotions that started to flow as I held him, and then the numbness as if someone flipped a switch. I just stared in awe.

So here is my story.

I was married for 15 years and had 3 beautiful children with a man who took us all for granted. A very long story of patriarchal type society. I divorced and had all but given up. I met a man who amazed me with his true happiness in life and love for his children. Long story short I ended up pregnant and very excited to share this with him. We were unable to keep things to ourselves as I seemed to show very quickly and the holidays were coming up. My family would be horrified of the embarrassment of an unwed daughter pregnant. He and I worked through all of this and continued to fall in love all the more. All of our children were very excited and so were his family.

I have never seen a man so excited and in love with a tiny little baby. He just glowed himself

I knew from the beginning something was off. My body hurt so badly. It ached. I showed very quickly. Had huge headaches. had the promising sickness that should have meant things were ok. But I just felt "off". I had one streak of spotting. I put myself on bed rest at about 8 weeks.

We went to doc appt as usual at about 10 weeks. They saw a heartbeat on ultrasound. It was strong.

Went in 11.5 weeks or so and heard the heartbeat. As I went in for my 12.5 week appt I was hopeful that this one would be fine. I finally reached the 2 trimester! The doctor could not find a heartbeat. I was numb. I remember being so angry as I passed through the waiting room seeing the women who clearly were unhappy being pregnant and/or not taking care of themselves and baby clearly. i was so bitter in that moment. Why them and not me?

I went home to naturally mc. It was a long week of denial. no signs of mc. Considered having another US. And then it happened. He was with me...

I jumped off the couch after contracting for hours mumbling in panic over and over "oh God oh God...it's happening".. to the bathroom. He waited outside as I wouldn't let him in. I sat on the toilet and it was like a mini labor. My water broke... I grabbed towels and quickly sat on them. I didn't want him to fall in the toilet. I waited. My body wanted to push but I was so scared for what was about to happen and what I'd see. I finally had to mentally calm and "open" my mind and sould or something.. and then it happened. There was my little baby. Perfect. Over 2 inches long or so? As I had guessed, a boy. Tiny little fingers and toes. Little face adn ears. I welled up with emotion and started sobbing as I scooped the towel up with my little one. And then as if someone flipped a switch, my emotions we silent. I sat in awe and just stared. I couldn't believe my eyes. Finally I wrapped him and we went up to the Oak tree behing my house and buried him. I was just so numb...

I waited and then ran for the bathroom as my body literally burst. Many blood clots and blood everywhere. I flushed and figured it was over. But again I ran from the couch and my body would do it again and again every 15 min or so. Then it stopped for half an hour. I thought the horror was over. But it started again. as it burst 3 more times if felt as though I would pass out. We rushed to the hospital.

I sat in the waiting room running for the bathroom feeling my life slip as they ignored. Finally I'm called into the room to submit my info. I'm sitting on a blanket I brought. They are taking their time as I feel every burst happening. Finally I say "Mam, I'm sorry but I think I've completely filled your chair." As I stand up she goes pale and now...finally...everyone starts to rush. I'm rushed bleeding alll the way down the hallway to a room. Where I continue to burst and I start to fade out to the floor. My hearing is gone and everybody starts to fade. I end up on the table still bursting. A doctor finally comes in clearly annoyed to even be there. He spreads my legs and does not tell me what he is doing at all. Takes some sort of suction thing and starts aggressively "getting things". As I start to slip away again my man asks if I can have anything for pain (duh) and they do so and the torture continues. He jams me packed full of stuff because they can't stop the bleeding and we wait for my doctor. I am moved to another room and fade out again. I find out later my blood pressure was 58 over 47? And I was white ashy grey color.

My doctor comes in and starts reeming on my stomach with his other arm up you know where just severely jamming and trying to get whatever is causing all this. I start to fade out again. He starts talking about having forceps brought up etc... as I'm clenching the bed handle. I am so dehydrated the last hours I can't even swallow. When I try, I start to choke on my tongue. At that moment one single tear makes it, and I beg and tell him I am just all done. Please...please put me under.

They finally do so. The lady tells me the medicine will make my already low bp drop and she will be trying to stabilize it with other medicine. Scared but feeling "all done" I slip away... I wake up and it is done. I am pale, weak, but finally not bleeding. They can't decide whether or not to do a transfusion...

Anyway... Lesson learned... Get a d and c. I would never try to do that naturally again.

But it's hard. I am ever grateful for that moment of peace before the trauma. The closure of seeing my little one.

I don't know if I'll ever get over the horrendous trauma at the hospital. I felt like a breeder cow or something.

I know this is long. And I'm sure I have misspelled so many things. But as I lay on the couch trying to heal. Completely anemic... I wanted to write this out. To try and emotionally heal. I am just beside myself. I don't know how I'll ever see my body the way I used to.