My Miscarriage Story

[babybuffy84]

Ok this is my story.

So we decided to start TTC in october 2008 fell pregnant in december 2008,from day 1 i was kind of paranoid that it was too good to be true as i had fell pregnant so quickly.So i booked in for an early reassurance scan at a pivate scan place when i went they said oh your only measuring 5 +1 when i thought i should have been 7+2 they could only see the pregnancy sac so they said come back in 2 weeks.
We returned 2 weeks later for another scan by this point my pregnancy sac measured 21mm but they couldnt see any signs off a baby or pole and said to go straight to my doc.The next morning went straight to the docs who ordered some bloods done 48 hours apart they were showing as normal they werent dropping but they were rising slowly i then had to wait a week as i was due to have my 10 week scan the following monday so went for my 10 weeks nhs scan and yet again there was nothing there and i was diagnosed as having a blighted ovum.
My sac was still growing even though there was no baby,i then had to wait another week to get an appt at the epu where they did another scan and confirmed my MMC then had to make the decision of which option i wanted but they said the best option was the d&c as my body wasnt going to miscarry normally.
That was 6 weeks ago tomorrow and i miss our gorgeous little 'pip' everyday.
When i woke from theatre the first thing i remembered was dreaming about my baby and i saw my grandad carrying him away all wrapped up in a big blue blanket so we think that our baby was a boy.
I will always miss my baby he is in my thoughts everyday and will never ever be forgotten.
Thanks for letting me share my story

 

[rachjim98]

So sorry for all of your losses and thanks for sharing your stories ...

 

[AP]

We decided to TTC in December 2008. I came off the pill immediatley, and just carried on like rabbits like normal.

Three months later I tested positive. i only tested because sods law says that if you test, AF comes the next day, and i wanted AF to move her arse before I started my new job a few days later.

A few weeks later, (about 6 weeks) I started to bleed. At the very same time, all my symptoms came to a huge halt. my boobs no longer hurt and i no longer felt queasy. I suddenly felt 'normal' . Normal, well, hard to describe, but I no longer felt pregnant.

The bleed was little, but red.

I knew straightaway it could mean the worse. It got a little heavier the next morning, so I called NHS 24 and they suggested i head for the A & E.

I arrived at the A £ E and was rushed to a ward. they asked for a urine sample immediatley and once they took that, i was wheelchaired (I know, I felt silly) to the EPU dept.

The EPU made me wait for flippin ages so they could squeeze me in, but i eventually got a scan and they couldnt see too much going on - they were concerned it was too early to see anything.

I returned to the EPU about a week later with my gay cousin - my OH had to work.

I was getting an external when they asked me to have an internal. i had to get me trousers off and have an internal next to my gay cousin, and he never said a thing, the poor soul! Obv the dept assumed he was my OH! i was in good humour about it - I guess i had just accepted what was going on.

Then I had it confirmed that i had a blighted ovum - where the sac grows but theres no fetal pole. Well if there was a fetal pole, it wasnt there now. i went home and creid to myself.

The midwives suggested i have the D & C. but I was going on holiday in a week and thats when they could book me in. So i said i'd try natural and they still said it wasnt a good idea for me to go on holiday, especially with the flight.

i was in no pain. Ok, maybe an odd cramp, but my periods were worse. i had clots though.

I went on the holiday, against their wishes, and the bleeding was still like a period, with clots. i drank plenty alcohol and fluids and it was pretty crap to be on holiday and to be too scared to wear a bikini. I did manage a bikini for an hour or so, I used a tampon for an hour and changed again to pads straight away.

After 4 weeks of beginning to bleed, I returned to the EPU for my final scan and HCG blood tests, where they told me there was only a little bit of blood left. By the time I got home, I'd passed that blood, and was pretty much done.

My second miscarriage was much more early. A CB digi did have me wondering, as the test would not move from 1-2 weeks when i should have been 5 weeks.(so it should have displayed 2-3 at least) I started to bleed quickly, just like a period. A scan the next day showed nothing, i felt like a right fraud. They eventually took my blood, which was simply at 12, which confirmed a failed pregnancy.

5 weeks later i got my current bfp. So it can happen.xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[AP]

only then you find out how many people have had the same experiences. But it's brushed under the carpet.

so true!

 

[Csunshine013]

Just want to say You Are All my Hero's!
Ok so I have been putting off writing our story in hopes that I could forget.
Well I haven't so here is our story.
We were married Aug. 08 and had a really great time bd'n for bfp and by Dec we got it. I was really amazed at it had been almost 10 years since I had been pregnant with dd. I knew right away that I was and tested the eve before af was due. I told my dh that I didn't know for sure and that we would test first thing in the morning. Yes we were, I was so excited and he was really trying to adjust. He grew more excited as the days moved by and my body started to show.
It was my second normal visit to the gyno and didn't think anything of it. I was gaining the weight he said I should and not at a rapid state. I had already heard the heartbeat twice so I didn't think anything about it as we were in the second trimester now at 15w+5d. The dr gyno entered and tried to find the heartbeat and couldn't locate it so had me go down the hall all the while telling me not to panic yet. I of coarse already knew as it was very easy to find the heartbeat the first two times. I went into the room and he did the u/s and no heartbeat in my little one. At this point I was very upset and cried and just left the office. I had to phone back to find out when my appt was the next day. I then called my mom first and she wasn't there. I called my dh and really don't remember what he said just that was not what I wanted to hear and yelled at him and called him some not nice words and told him off. He was at work and out of town and couldn't be home with me and I was angry to have to go through all these emotions alone. I finally calmed down when he called back and told me he would be home shortly after 5pm mind you it was about 10:45am. I was very upset that the dr couldn't do anything right then and am so glad now that I was made to wait. The next day I went back to office for u/s to verify and yes heard that sad news once again. Dr then did an amnio to see if any tests that they could run would give us reason as to why this happened. It was very painful and I don't wish this procedure on anyone and wouldn't choose to have this again. After 3 needles we finally got enough fluid to run tests that in the end didn't tell me anything that I didn't already know. I was made to wait until Monday Mar. 8 to check into the hospital to have my m/c induced. When I walked in I had come to terms with what had to happen and my night shift nurses were wonderful in explaining what was going to happen and that it may take a while. I didn't expect it to happen at the middle of shift change when the new shift was arriving. I was not a good patient as I woke up about 5am with severe cramps. I got up about 45min later to use the bathroom just thinking I would pee. I started to walk and it had started bright red blood everywhere. I pulled the cord in the bathroom so I could get my nurse there and they all came. 5 three nurses and 2 students. This was not the time for this and I told them. Here I was sitting on the toilet over a hat to catch the baby and 3 new faces staring at me. I made everybody but my two nurses and it happened. My sweet little girl came out. I was then walked to my bed and told to expect the rest to follow. When the dr came about hour later and cut the cord the rest was not ready to come. He showed me and my dh our little girl and she was perfectly formed with fingers and toes eyes ears nose and mouth. Just precious. I then waited for another hour and still nothing so they sent me down to surgery for d&c. I was very disappointed in the staff in pre-op as one of them asked oh just gave birth whatcha have. HUH! I just looked at the anesth lady I said just make sure you knock me all the way out! She did and when I woke up it was done. I went back to my room and had to stay for the day as just had surgery and was hooked up to pictocin. On Monday it will be 4wks I am finally starting to be myself and looking forward to the future. I have wonderful pictures from the hospital staff and have appologized for my actions and they all said they would have acted the same way. I felt humilitated and depressed but very grateful to be able to share my story here. We are off to try again as soon as af shows. Sorry so long, just nice to be able to finally tell someone. Thank you for reading.

 

[rachjim98]

Hey everyone this is from the post I did about 3 weeks after we lost our little girl Rebecca Ann. I didn't realize there as another post going around like this. Hope you don't mind I added mine to this?
I have come along way since I first wrote this and I owe a lot of this to all of you wonderful women on this site.THANKS SO MUCH!!


Hello everyone, my name is Rachael and my family and I have just went threw the loss of our little girl. We were 19 + 5 weeks when we found out we lost her, Rebecca Ann is what we named her. I am having a very hard time dealing with this and was amazed to find so many other people that have experienced this as well. So here is my story. I hope it can help someone else, as well as help me to talk about it.

On Tuesday November 18th 2008 we went in for our 20wk ultrasound. We go into the ultrasound room and the nurse was acting weird she didn't turn the monitor my way or anything. She asked what Dr. I was seeing today, well I was under the impression this was just a u/s appointment I told her. She left the room for 10 minutes and came back with my Dr. He says how have you been feeling, has the baby been kicking? I was feeling sick to my stomach and tired but fine. I thought I had felt the baby softly but I had also brought that up in my last appointment I didn't feel her kick so much.
Then he turns the monitor our way and this is how he let us know. Well there is the spin looks like a train track and there is the chest and as you can see there is no heartbeat. Then he proceeds to tell us that the baby was measuring between 18 and 19 wks ( I was 19+5 at the time) I didn't hear anything else, he could of told me the world was about to end and I think I would of took it better. We were then told we had to go to the hospital and be induced and decide what we wanted to have done with her remains.

Well I was ready to hurt everyone in that room we didn't even have a name yet and all the sudden I have to decide NO!! This wasn't suppose to happen, I am healthy I have done this before (2 beautiful Kids 9yr old girl and 6yr old boy) WHY WHY WHY??? That is all I I Could hear in my head. My Husband holding my hand so softly but with a crack in his voice asked what do you mean, she hasn't had any cramping other then (Braxton Hicks) or bleeding what went wrong? But nobody has answers all they kept saying was we are sorry and it wasn't anything you did. Why do I feel like it was something I did or something I could of done to stop this from happening.

On Wednesday Nov 19th I went to the hospital to be induced and I had to sign this paper that said Fetal Demise Induction and I lost it.. as I am right now writing this. The nurse her name was Kim and she was wonderful, took me and Jim to the room. She told me they will be putting a purple flower on the door so everyone will know what is going on in the room. I was giving a pill on my cervix to help dilate me and given one to take by mouth as well.I was offered pain medicine if I would like.

Through out the day Kim would ask us questions on if we would like to hold the baby when she comes or them take her away clean her up then bring her back. Jim was against seeing the baby I think because he was scared ( he wont admit that). I wasn't sure what I wanted to do this was all so unreal to me. I just cant believe I am going through this I cried a lot of the time. Jim had to leave and go get our children from school so I was alone but Kim was a great help.
We live out of state from all our family so Jim had to bring our kids back to the hospital with him. I tell you what that hospital made us feel so comfortable and they even had a nurse's assistant take our little ones in a separate room and took care of them while my husband and I was going thru this horrible time. I cant thank them enough for all the help and support the offered and gave.

At 8:30 pm I gave birth to our tiny little girl Sweet Rebecca, I looked over at Jim and he said she is so little he could see her, I tried to look but then the nurse covered her little body so all I seen was butt and legs. Jim cut the cord and the Dr. took her out of the room. Kim came back in about 20 minutes later and asked if I wanted to see her. YES I WANT TO SEE HER. I still wish I could have never let her go. They took pictures of Rebecca and she gave me the clothes she put her in. We also got footprints and the blanket she was put on to take the pictures. In the pictures you don't see her face just her little body, hands and feet. I got all of this in a purple keepsake box they gave us. We did tell our 9yr old that her little sister turned into a angel so now we have a little angel looking over us all the time.

That weekend we had her cremated and brought her home in a beautiful flowered urn. This is still so fresh, I go back this week to have my follow up and hopefully they can tell me what went wrong. The Dr. at the hospital says it looks genetic her legs were not proportionate with the rest of her body. Everyone was helpful in their way, but kept saying you have 2 beautiful kids. Yes well I love my kids and I loved this baby and I really wanted to have this baby. We will not be trying again, I have already made up my mind I cant go through this again. I feel so empty my heart aches. We will count our blessings we have 2 happy and healthy kids and we now have a beautiful angel watching over us, we will meet again one day.

This is a very hard road to walk down and I wish that nobody ever had to walk this road. To all of us who have traveled this road I am truly sorry for all the pain that comes with this. May our angels fly together! Thanks for listening to me.

 

[hoping4miracl]

This is a good idea so I can get this off my chest.

Here is goes ok we started to talk about ttc and we said we would wait till after xmas 07 but ended up getting pregnant out of the blue and I was so happy but started to bleed and after getting my bloods back my levels were dropping and I was so devasted and never thought in a million years that this would happen to me this was nov 07 then we were trying and the month we weren't trying I got pregnant again but took ages to show up on the hospital tests but my hcg was 800 at the start I started to brown spot about 6.5 weeks and ended up going into the emegency room and they said the they couldn't see any baby or sack and told me to come back in a week in the meantime they done blood work to see was my level's rising which they were and was so happy and then the bleeding stopped for a while and then started again and kept on being like this till I was 11 weeks in and out of the hospital every couple of days and by this stage I though things would be ok but then I really started to bleed heavy but stoped and thought everything would be fine but there was not pain but then a week later @ 12 week pg started to bleed really heavy gushed of blood coming out every time I stood up and went into the emergency that morning and they done a scan and every was fine seen baby moving around and his heartbit but when I got home I got really bad pains didn't bother going into the hospital but I was getting real bad contraction pains all day until the night I passed hugh clots and went straight in and she done a scan and said everything looked fine again seen my baby boy moving around and his tiny heart and then she checked my cervix and she said it was slightly open and my chance of mc increase but shortly after she checked me I was in so much pain I felt like I was going to pass out and I was sweating like a good thing and was like this for a good hour and I ended up sitting on the tiolet and the urge the push but as I did I seen something white immediatly I put down my hand to catch him and he looked so period didn't look like anything was wtrong and you could see little tiny leg curled up and his little arms and this was the worst experience I have ever experienced and I will never forget him I think of him every days and wonder what life would be like now I lost him on sept 9 08 and the hospital gave us a tiny little white coffin for him and I buries him with my dad the last 6 year have been just horrible for me with my dad dying from cancer at only 55 and then I got a a month ago and lost my 3rd pregnancy 3 weeks ago @ 5.6 days and really was devasted again but nothing like what I have expereinced before but still very upset I feel like I will never have a little baby in my arms thanks for letting me get this off my chest and I do feel talking on the internet to all you people it does help baby chris junion we love you so much and miss you

 

[CoachingBeef]

Well I finally feel ready to talk about the whole experience so.. here it goes..

I got my BFP on 16th March after trying for 4-5 months. My husband and I were so excited and told everyone pretty much as soon as it was confirmed by the doctors on 20th March. Everyone was really pleased for us and we were both really chuffed.
I booked myself in to see the midwife on the 7th April. Told a little fib and said I had no idea how far on I was so I could get an early scan. Cheeky I know but this was my first pregnancy and I wanted to make sure everything was OK. My husband, Dan, came with me to our appointment. Did all the usual stuff, bloods taken and medical history gone through. She put us forward for an early dating scan which I was happy about. So we went on our way and waited for the dating scan appointment to come through.
We started looking in Mothercare and various other baby shops. Looked around for cool little shoes and started thinking of names. Life was great
Since I found out I was pregnant I was taking tests pretty much everyday, just wanted to see the line get darker really. Also spent around £40 in digital tests just to see the weeks go up!

So - as you can imagine I was horrified when I went to the toilet on 10th April and found some blood in my underwear. It was a tiny amount but I'd been having mild cramps all day.
My husband took me to the hospital as soon as I was ready and we waited for 3 hours to be seen. In that 3 hours the bleeding was getting heavier and gradually dark red. The hospital first of all took bloods. I normally hate getting my blood took but I was so numb with fear I just sat there. The doctor then checked my cervix (it was closed), took swabs and then an internal examination. He then done an internal scan which showed the sac but no baby or heartbeat. We were heartbroken. They diagnosed a threatened miscarriage. They said it might be too early to see anything and made an appointment for the 20th to check the progress.

Well after passing huge brown clots and more brown blood I went back to A&E (they said if there was anymore bleeding or clots then I had to go back) Sorry if this is too much information but the clots were really thick and brown. The biggest was maybe the size of a 50p coin. I was so scared. I cried there and then. I thought this was the end.
We searched online quickly and it all pointed towards miscarriage.
He checked my cervix again and it was closed. Therefore still classed as a "threatened miscarriage" took more blood and sent me on my way. He said not to worry too much as the blood/clots are brown and I don't have major cramping. I kinda felt like I wasted his time a bit and I felt as though he didn't check me properly internally. I kinda got the impression he hurried himself as he felt awkward? I was lying there crying whilst he was checking.
I got my dating scan for the 17th so they told me to go to that one instead of the 20th one.

So.. the 17th comes around and we head to the hospital for our scan.
Not good news..
Nothing had developed since last week so I was basically waiting to miscarry. If nothing had passed by the next Friday I was advised to discuss ways of getting rid of the pregnancy.

The next day (18th April 2009) the pains started getting worse. By 8pm I was in agony. Somehow I managed to go to the shop for some wine. I just needed something for the pain. The pain gradually got worse. I was lying down and kind of struggling to breathe. I felt bad because my husband felt helpless. Nothing helped my pain.
Then, all of sudden, I felt something in my underwear and the pain instantly stopped.. I still can't get over how the pain just stopped.
I went to the toilet and my husband was with me, I knew I couldn't do what I was about to do alone..
There is was, the sac on my sanitary towel.. I was surprised at how big it was.. It was about the size of a lime or lemon.. I just sat there crying for what seemed like hours. Eventually my husband said we couldn't sit there all night. I managed to put it down the toilet and my husband left me to clean up. He went upstairs and I just sat there. I couldn't bring myself to flush my baby away.. I know this is not a very nice thing to share but I fished it out of the toilet again and contemplated burying it in the morning.
In the end I shouted for Dan to come and flush it away. He waited till I was upstairs but I was still listening for the flush. When I heard it I fell to bits again.
I couldn't sleep that night so I went back downstairs and finished off the wine.

Telling people was pretty hard. We phoned most people as I couldn't face anyone.
I had a week off work and Dan had a few days. It was awful just sitting around thinking about it so I asked the doctor to sign me off the sick.
When I went back the first day it was awful seeing people watching me. There was another lady in the office who was pregnant so I kinda dreaded seeing her but in the end I was ok with it.
The first night out we had afterwards was horrible. Three people congratulated me on our pregnancy which had me in bits so I just knocked back the drinks. I got very very drunk that night.

So, a month on and it's still pretty painful for my husband and I. I can't get over what happened and it doesn't seem to be getting easier.
I'm currently on my period (gutting because we started trying as soon as I stopped bleeding from my miscarriage)
This AF is insane, I can't get over how much blood there is.
On the bright side at least I kinda know where I am with my dates now.

So there it is, my miscarriage story. Sorry it's long. xxxxx

 

[Allure]

hi everybody!

first of all let me say that i'm very sorry for all of your losses, or rather OUR losses.

i got pregnant the first time my boyfriend and i had sex, i couldn't believe our luck! and i never imagined that i would lose the baby, so when i started spotting i assumed it was just my cervix getting ready. anywho..we couldn't see the heartbeat at 6.5 weeks, then the doctor couldn't see the fetal pole!!!
a week after that, i miscarried on a sunday morning..it was very painful but it lasted only a little while. i was very upset, and embarassed to face all my friends because my boyfriend had already spread the good news..

after a month i got pregnant again, i wasn't even trying..but then we weren't on any birthcontrol..this time it lasted 7 weeks, only to find out that the baby had stopped growing at 5weeks. i sat my bar exam and passed with flying colours, a day after that i had a massive headache and i was feeling feverish. i miscarried two days after the bar exam, this time i didn't take it lightly, i was traumatized by the whole process..to make things worse, this time i'd even told my boyfriend's mother, and most of his family members knew and my sister and friends too..so i had to deal with the pain all over again..i didn't even get to see my baby's heartbeat.

both of my miscarriages occurred naturally. i went for a checkup after the second one and was diagnosed with malaria!!!! the doctor told me that this could have been the cause..it came as a shock to me as i'd never had malaria before..

my cycle is now back to normal, it's been seven months since my last miscarriage, and i hope that i get my soon, and that this time i'll get to have my .

 

[Amsbabes]

This is my story about how the only extreme happiness I had felt in my life was taken away from me.
At the beginning of June 2009 I found out I was pregnant with my first baby. I was only 19 years old and with University later in the year, I didn’t know what to think. I rushed to my boyfriends Workplace to tell him. His face dropped. This was not meant to happen. I think we both knew that there was no way that we could ever possibly keep this baby. Not with the way that everything was. He wasn’t in the best financial place and neither was I.
I came home with a huge amount of thoughts running through my mind, but I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. Once he was home. We sat down to talk and we came to that terrifying, horrible decision of going through with a termination. How my heart sank. This was something I thought I would never have to go through. But somehow, I knew I had to.
That week I went to the doctors to arrange a termination. She worked out that I would possibly be 10 weeks pregnant. This made the situation worse for me as I thought that was when the baby was known as a foetus. My offspring. I felt so horrible.
I had to wait a week and a bit for the consultation day to arrive. And during that week my mind was in total conflict 24/7. Somewhere deep inside of me was yelling at me, ‘why are you going to doing this? It’s not right!’ But then there was another one saying ‘you have to… It’s your only choice’. I really didn’t know what to do. I was so stuck. Everyday of that week was filled with extreme sadness. I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would end up doing something like this. But during your life, you never think the worse situation would ever happen to you. But life isn’t like that. Bad things will always happen to everyone. This was mine. I was inconsolable. He couldn’t help me. Even though he tried and tried. He was better at concealing his emotions, even though deep down, he was dieing. He told me that this was something that he has wanted all his life, and he was devastated at the fact we had to get rid of it. He was so happy when I told him I was pregnant, but when he realised that we couldn’t keep it. It tore him up inside. I knew how it felt. But throughout that week I had his full support. Just knowing I had him there no matter what made me feel just that little bit better. He was the only support system I had throughout this whole ordeal.
Consultation day. How I was scared. I knew that it wasn’t the actual termination day but knowing that it was the start made me really afraid. I still had my head saying that I should get rid, where my heart was saying keep it. But I knew that I had University and a future to plan. So I though that I must do this. It won’t be right on the baby. When the time came round to having a scan done, I found that I was only about 5/6 weeks pregnant. I was relived and disappointed at the same time as I asked to see a scan picture. I was relived at the fact wit was developed at much, and the termination would be easy, but I was disappointed at the fact I couldn’t see anything other than a little pea shaped object. I was hoping to see a baby shape. But I didn’t.
I found out that I could have the termination the tablet way, which was the way I had wanted it to be, even though I know I would be going through pain, at least I wouldn’t have to have the surgical way or anyways after that.
I remember going home in the car with him and reading a leaflet that they had given me about the procedure. The only line that stuck out to me was ‘You will miscarry in the privacy of your own home’. I still don’t know how this line made me cry so much. I suppose it was just the thought of going through a miscarriage, and feeling the pain as it dies. I felt so guilty at the thought I will be killing an innocent little life. I just thought I would be seen as a murderer.
I had to wait another week to go back to the clinic to have the termination. And yet again I was torturing myself over what I would be doing. I really needed to straighten my mind out and think what would be right for me. And over the week after people support and thoughts I finally came to clear decision. I decided to keep it.
Never ever in my life have I ever felt so happy about something I decided to do. I felt all the sadness drift away and happiness consume me. I couldn’t stop smiling. Every time I saw babies, I thought to myself that would be me soon. It felt so right. He was overjoyed and began to tell people about it. He was so happy that he would finally be the daddy he has always wanted to be. We were so happy.
I cancelled the appointment and started wondering around baby stores and baby clothes, even purchasing a cute selected few. I even bought baby books and sat there reading them for hours getting myself all excited about the prospect of what I will be going through and what I will have in the end. This happiness I felt I can never explain fully with words. I knew this was the right thing to do for me. And I loved it.
But then disaster struck. The Monday I was due in the clinic for the termination, I started to bleed. Not much but it was enough to make me worried that there was something wrong. I went to the doctors straight away who booked me in for a scan on the following Friday just to check that everything is alright.
The next few days were very agonising. I knew deep down that something was wrong and I couldn’t stop worrying, even with people telling me it’s normal and that it would be nothing, deep down inside I knew that it wasn’t. All I could think was miscarriage, and no one or anything could change it.
My worse fears were realised on the Wednesday night through to Thursday morning. Trying to sleep and waking up in a huge amount of pain. He was crying. He didn’t know what to do. I was rushed to A & E and given pain killers straight away. I knew I had miscarried and coincidently, it was on the day I would have been in the clinic to complete the rest of the termination.
I had an internal to see what was happening and this tortured me. I didn’t know whether to cry or not. But I didn’t. I had to be strong. I really didn’t want to believe it, but when the doctor turned round to say that might have pulled out something to confirm the miscarriage. I felt lost. She left the room to take a closer look at what she got while I got myself sorted. She came back and said it does look like you have miscarried. I’m really sorry. I didn’t know what to do. She said I have to take it easy and I must still go to the scan to check everything was alright. But really, I just didn’t care. I was silent all the way home.
He sat with me telling his feeling. He was very emotional. I couldn’t blame him. We had lost our child. Plus he thought he would have lost me because he had never seen me in so much pain before in his life. He really did care. No wonder I love him so much. All he wanted was for me to be alright no matter what.
I was just so devastated. I had never felt so low in my life. I just felt like my heart was ripped out of me. I couldn’t believe that I was so happy. Happier than I had ever been in my life and then I’m at the other end of the spectrum. I really didn’t understand why it had to happen to me. I have been through loads already. I had been through the torture of a possible termination and then this happens. How cursed I felt. I really did want this baby, but somehow it didn’t happen. What was I to do?
The next day I just didn’t do anything. I couldn’t eat much or even smile. He tried his best to be there for me, but I could do anything. I finally came round to looking at baby related stuff I had while listening to emotional music. How I cried.
I bought a pregnancy test kit when my bleeding started just to see if I still was and it still was positive. But there was another one. So I used it and it still said positive. I just felt sick with sadness as I knew there was nothing there. I knew it would take time for my body to settle back down to the way it used to be. I just didn’t want to accept it. But while listening to my sad music, I got all my baby stuff together and boxed it up. I felt so depressed. Looking at the baby clothes and picturing a baby in them. Why did this happen. I wanted to know. I was so ready to be a mum and it never happen. I did a little letter to go inside the box also. It said when I found out I was pregnant and when I had the miscarriage, but underneath it had a little note to the baby I lost. ‘The pain I felt will never go away. The worse pain I will ever feel physically and emotionally for the rest of my life. The bay I lost, but will never be forgotten. Love you always my lost baby. Be safe in heaven. Lots of love, always and forever, Mummy and Daddy’.
This will be a keepsake I will have forever and I will hopefully one day bring this box out again for when I hopefully get pregnant again. One day I hope to see a baby in those clothes, and I hope to read those books as they lean on my baby bump. I’ll keep dreaming.
In the mean time I had another scan to confirm there was nothing left just blood and lining to get rid of. They still want to check that everything alright with me and that my body will return to normal. Part of me doesn’t want it to. But I know deep down it will and it will be like it was before.
If I could turn back the clock I would, because everything would be so different, and maybe, the baby would still be with me.
But to all the pregnant women who might read this. I wish you all the best with your babies. I hope all this doesn’t happen with you because I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But for the people who have had a miscarriage. I hope that one day you will find your peace. Do something to honour your loss. I know I will be. I will have a little start tattooed near where my womb is situated in remembrance of the little star that was once there. This is the worse pain that anyone can feel and I know this will stay with me forever. My first pregnancy. My first child that never was.

 

[lola1985]

my story is prettysimilar to moomoo's,
it all started when i was 7 weeks i was shopping and i noticed a brown discharge in my pants, i didnt phone the doctors because my sister in law that live with us, who was 35 weeks at the time, had these brown discharfes and they had always turned out to be nothing. Two days later on the friday i went to the toilet and there was pink/red blood, i panicked and went straight to the emergency room at the womens hospital. after hours of waiting i had an internal examination, the doctor said my cervix was closed and the blood looked old so i was not to worry. I was given an appointment for an early scan the monday. So begins the first horrible waiting period!! i went back on monday and had the internal ultrasound, she said that I was showiing 5 weeks when I was 7 weeks and 3 days. I was told that everything will be fine and that its very common and was given an appointment for a second scan in 2 weeks. Those 2 weeks were hell I still dont know how I coped. I had no more blood since that fridays first and last bleed. 2 agonising weeks later I went back and was told that there had been no growth, but that the scan had shown the beginning of a fetal pole which u couldnt see on the first scan so they could not confirm that hr baby was dead, even though at this piont I should have been 9 weeks 3 days and the scan was showing 5 weeks and I hadnt had sex since I found out I was pregnant. I was beging the nurse to just tell me either way but she said she could beause of the difference in the scans, I just wanted someone to say what was happening, either way! I was also booked to go on holiday the day after this news, so I was given pain killers and towels for if i m/c on hol. The next week on holiday was a blurr untill the following wednesday TMI COMING UP i was going down to poolside when blood started literally running down my legs, it was so bad i was forced to stay sat in the shower for five hours having contraction like pains coming in waves every minute. I cannot describe the pain, then i felt lots of small clots then a huge clot bigger than my fist which couldnt make its way out on its own so i had to push it out, which was my baby. however horrific this was, the time since has been even worse, we started trying straight away, i ovulated 3 weeks after and the week after which i guessed would be my period due date came and went with no period just one small show of blood which brought it all back and has left me a wreck. like others have said, its not the m/c i am always upset about, its the missing of those pregnancy milestones. I am just dreading my due date which was new years eve.

 

[LuiBlu]

Hi I am sitting here, exhausted after last night's drama.

It all srated just over a week ago when I went for my 12 week scan. My husband and I were anxiously waiting while I was scanned and 'interrogated' about whether or not I was sure about my dates etc (I was, as I had had IUI with assisted ovulation 10 weeks earlier). It was then announced that it was bad news and she left the room, leaving my partner and I in tears, with no explanation! We were escorted to another room to wait for a more senior sonographer to arrive who scanned me internally. We were told that the baby had probably died at around 7 weeks (this I knew to be untrue as I had had 7 and 8 week scans and baby was fine then). My water sac however, was the normal size for a 12 week pregnancy. This they had no explanation for. I was sent to a ward to talk to a doctor (waiting a further hour for this) who sent me home with an appointment for 2 weeks later at the Early Pregnancy Clinic. I was not offered a D & C but sent home to wait. Nothing happened for a whole week, I was afraid to go out in case I suddenly started to bleed heavily. I stayed at home, on my own, waiting. I had had early miscarriages in the past and knew what to expect with those, but had not had a late one before. Nobody had explained what may or may not happen. So I was in for a shock!

At about midday yesterday, I started to have contractions. coming about every 5 minutes, speeding up to every 3. At 4.15pm, my water broke - soaking my clothes and the sofa, I was NOT expecting that. Contractions then started to come every minute. After about 30 minutes, I had the urge to push (I was glad that I already had 3 children so I knew what to do, it was very frightening). Firstly, out came a placenta, larger than I was expecting from what the hospital had said. Later, a fully formed baby, the size of the palm of my hand (obviously 11 -12 week size, not 7 - 8 as I had been told and expecting to pop out). About 10 minutes later, another baby came out, slightly smaller than the first (nobody had detected that I had been expecting twins, although I had my suspicions as I had started to show slightly earlier than expected), followed by another placenta. Then it was over, all contractions stopped. I bled profusely throughout the night and was worried that it was too much. Today I feel weak and shocked. I was not expecting to go through full labour and give birth to twins. I should have been given a D & C. I am too numb to cry and my husband is angry with the hospital and my lack of care from them. I hope no-one else has to go through this, insist on a D & C if you are more than a few weeks. Scans are obviously not as accurate as we may think, how could two babies of that size be missed???

I don't know if anyone posts or reads these; however I wanted to share my story with you all. Firstly I'd like to thank FallenAngel, as she is the first person that I've known to have gone through something scarily similar. I've felt so alone because my experiance has been so different from others that have gone through a m/c. So thank you for sharing your story. It has helped me in more ways than you can imagine.

I am 22 and have always wanted to be a mother. Being a gay woman I never thought that it would be possible without NHS help - help I was certain I would never qualify for. I met my fiance, Dani, in May of 2008 and we decided that we wanted a child more than anything else in the world. We privately seeked out the perfect donor - someone with a great healthy life and all of Dani's attributes, so that if our baby looked like the donor, she/he would look like Dani too. Our very good friend agreed and was more than happy to be the donor of our baby. We saught out a lawful contract and set about artificial insemination - which we managed ourselves.

We only had to try once and I knew I was pregnant; even before I'd missed my period. I got a test and it was possitive - it was one of the most defining moments of my life. I'd never been so scared and happy [up to that point]. When I found out, on the 27th November 08, I was only 5 1/2 weeks.

At 8 weeks I was already showing. I was convinced I was having twins, something inside me just knew it - the same way I had known I was pregnant before the test proved it. However at my 8 week scan there was only one baby. I never questioned the midwives and doctors. I trusted them.

At 10 weeks I started to feel very sad - like I was aware I was losing my baby. Dani bought me a dopler so I could listen to my baby's heartbeat. It was always there, pounding away. At my 12 weeks scan everything was fine. I was expecting the worst. I was always expecting the worst - but eveything seemed ok, and I began to feel better.

By the time our 20 week scan came around our baby was getting big and always moving around. I found out I was having a bouncy boy, and couldn't have been more chuffed. We started thinking about names and got our house ready for him coming. Yet always in the back of my mind I was convinced I was miscarrying, or about to.

At 27 weeks I started contracting. I went to the hospital for a check up; the midwives said that everything was fine, baby was perfectly normal - I'd thought to myself, how could they know without doing a proper scan? When they detected I was still contracting an hour later they done an internal to make sure my cervix wasn't opening. It wasn't - but when they came out I suddenly descovered I had gushed bright red blood. They decided to keep me in over night for observation.

My overnight stay turned into a full weekend in the hospital - randomly contracting, although I never lost any more blood. My baby's heart beat was fine, and everything seemed normal.

On the Monday they sent me home with a clean bill of health for me and baby. I stopped contracting and since then til 33 weeks everything was hunkydory. At 33 weeks I started getting very painful Braxton Hicks. The pain was intense and very low in my back.

At 38 weeks exactly my waters broke, and I went in to the hospital for a check up. They told me I wasn't in active labour and I was to go home and sleep it off. That was at 0230 Monday 13th July 09. At 0500 I was pushing leaning over an electricity box outside my mums house.

We rushed back to the hospital where it was descovered that our boy was coming out OP. Posterior positioning is very painful as the baby comes down back to back, and it feels like it's trying to come out of the wrong exit if you know what i mean.

I stuck to only using gas and air and after only half an hour of pushing I gave birth to a happy and healthy 7lb 9oz boy. Samuel-Alexander. My active labour is on record at a mear 2 and a half hours!

After the birth of my boy is when things started to get horrific. The midwives hadn't had time to give me an apisiotamy and had to let me tear, so my stitches where horrendous, and on top of it I developed a rash that turned into third degree looking blisters that covered me from breasts to soles of my feet! It was the most aweful irritation I've every felt in my life. Uncontrollably itchy and very painful. I cried out in discomfort for two solid weeks.

Eventually I was diagnosed with PUPPPS. Don't ask me to tell you what it stands for, but it basiclly means that male phoetus DNA had seeped back through the placenta into my blood stream. My body hadn't attacked it as a foriegn body due to it protecting my son. However now that I was post natal it was pushing it out through my skin, causing cappilary bleeds all over my body.

The whole two weeks after I couldn't understand why I was crying so hard with sadness, like I'd lost my baby, when I was sat looking at him sleeping. I still felt pregnant and was terribly depressed.

The midwives told me it was postnatal depression and to just take it easy.

17 days after the birth of my son I started having contractions. I was walking to the toilet when my body involuntarily pushed. When I felt it slide out I knew instantly what it was, but as i'd had so many stitches I was fearful [yet hoping] that they'd just came undone and I had bled out. An almost black 'clot' was lying the length of the sanitary pad I was wearing. I looked at it and felt empty, like I'd finally gave birth and wasn't pregnant anymore.

I told Dani what happened, phoned the midwives who said to keep it so they could have a look. I wrapped it, still on the pad, in a pink dog poop bag. I felt sick doing it. The midwife came the next day and told me that it was just a clot. It looked like a big chunk of placenta to her - but Sam's placenta was fully intact. When I asked her if it could have been a twin she changed the subject. I was horrified.

I couldnt do anything else but to leave it all wrapped up. I put it in the bin. It's one thing to pass it into the toilet and flush it away, it's another to have to hold it in your hands and have nowhere else to put it but out with the trash. I hated myself. I knew what it was, even if the midwives we're too reluctant to tell me the truth.

When i consulted an independant source to find out for sure, it became apparent that it was more likely I had lost a twin. The PUPPPS rash, to my absolute horror, was my body 'recycling' my dead son.

I can't believe that a baby could go unnoticed throughout a full pregnancy. And more so that the people who you trust to care for you and your baby [or babies] would be so shallow as to try and deny you the right to know the truth.

Sorry about the long read - but it does feel better writing it all down. I feel so mixed up about this. I'm so thankful i have my son, Sam. But i am still grieving the loss of our other boy. We named him Jacob-Anthony. He is our little sonflower.

I feel horrible even writing this story here now that I think on it. I must seem terribly selfish; is it insensitive? I still have one of two... should i not be sad for the loss of Jacob? I don't know...

I'm at a loss. All I know is I love both my sons. Here and on high. Thank you for your time. My heart goes out to everyone here. I wish you all peace of mind and happiness now and in the future. You are all wonderfully brave woman, and should be proud. All our little angels are together looking down on us - and most likely having a great old time running riot around heaven.

Be sure; we'll meet them someday. They'll never be alone. x

 

[cowjunior]

hello everyone,
I thought I would share my story. I had a small bleed when I was 9 weeks which continued as brown spotting for several days. I also had small pieces of tissue similar to when I have a period. I think I knew it was over then. I went for a scan after 4 days of bleeding and they told me that the fetus had no heartbeat and measured 8 weeks and 4 days. I was booked in for a D and C today, 9 days after my initial bleed. I never progressed to red bleeding. My reason for posting is that I just want to say there is nothing to be afraid of with the operation and I was able to leave after 4 hours. I am sad about the whole thing but am grateful that I didnt have to go through a painful ordeal that some ladies go through.

 

[momma2naynay]

My story starts on 5/13/10. Suspecting I was pregnant, picked up a pack of pregnancy tests on a trip to Walmart. We weren't trying, but have wanted another so we were excited. I had some brown spotting, but had that with my previous pregnancy and wasn't worried.

Then Sunday 5/16/10, I noticed red spotting, and went straight to the ER. They examined me and said my cervix was closed and my HCG level was 100, and to follow up with my doc. Deep down, I knew something was wrong. I made the earliest appt with my doctor that I could and then scoured the internet for information on where my HCG levels should be for where I was in my pregnancy, since I felt in my heart that 100 was low. I continued to have the brown spottong but no more red.

Then, on Wednesday 5/19/10, I spent that day feeling terrible, my heart was racing, I was dizzy, having hot and cold flashes, and weak. I thought I was having a reaction to some meds I was taking for an infection. So in the evening after my husband came home from work we went to the ER, they did more tests and confirmed what I had known deep down and didn't want to admit, my HCG level had gone up to only 108. On the way home I cried and cried. I followed up with my doc at my scheduled appt the next day and she again confirmed the pregnancy wasn't viable. And I was sent for testing to be sure it was ectopic, which it wasn't.

On 5/21/10 at 11:25 pm, I completed the miscarriage. In the hour and a half before it happened, I was in pain, to me it was worse than a period, but not as bad as labor. I bled for a few days after, but the pain was gone. I wasn't prepared for the relief and the guilt I felt after it was over.

As I rested afterwards, I couldn't help but think of what my baby would have been like, would it have been a boy or a girl (I really wanted a girl), curious like big brother, or relaxed like daddy. I couldn't cry. I've had some good days feeling I can go on, and some bad, where it hurts to think of it, and feel like I can never go through this again. I'm feeling depressed and like I have an air of sadness around me that I can't get rid of. I can't stop thinking about it. Not an hour goes by without thinking of the baby we lost.

 

[mrshuebner201]

so here is my story.
it was april 19th 2010 and i was going in to what i thought was my diabetes test but ended up being a check up. i brought my friends along cuz they wanted to see the baby. my husband had work so i told him he didnt have to worry about coming..
i was sitting in the room waiting for the doctor to come in talking to my friends about the baby and everything i wanted to do for her room ( i found out it was a girl a week before that appt.) and how i love her name Madelynn Elizabeth Huebner =] the doctor comes in feels my tummy asks a bunch of questions and then does the doppler to hear the heartbeat. im laying there on the table waiting to hear the heartbeat myself.. but the lady was having a heard time finding it she said the baby might be a little bit lower and thats why she cant find it. so she goes and gets the ultrasound machine and puts it on. as soon as she brings it up the baby is laying there motionless with no heartbeat..
i automaticly look away cuz i new she was gone.. =[ the doctor keep saying look this is where the heartbeat is suppose to be and there is nothing there.. tears rolling down my eyes i said "i dont want to look. please stop telling me to look" she said she was going to get the specialist to take a look maybe he can find the heartbeat. and use a bigger ultrasound machine. i had to move to another room all the while i texted my husband saying there wassomething wrong with the baby.. she said what and i couldnt even finish the text i was crying to much. the specialist started the ultrasound and confirmed that my baby was no longer alive that she had stopped growing at 13 weeks.
then continued to ask me if i had any cramping or bleeding and i remembered that a weeks exactly before that i had gone into the er for some sharp pain i was having in my stomach. the doctor did an ultrasound that night and my baby was moving around like crazy heartbeating and looked bigger. they said the pain was just from my uterus growing bigger..
so when the specialist told me my baby died at 13 weeks i couldnt believe it i was suppose to be 17 weeks prego. this couldnt be happening not to me. i was only 19 barley married and extremely happy.. my husband called and i couldnt even tell him anything i couldnt hold back the tears long enough to tell him our baby was no longer there. my friend kimmy had to tell him and he told her he would be there in 5 minutes. when he came it was the worst filling ive ever had to give him a hug and just cry in his arms. the doctor decided to go ahead and do a d&c for the next morning. that night when i went home i couldnt tell anyone what had happened my husband had to call my parents and his parents to tell them the bad news i could do nothing but cry that night. when i had the surgery they put me under and when i woke up i felt completly empty they had just taken a part of me that i would never be able to get back and i have no idea how to deal with that feeling.. =[ it has been 5 weeks since my missed miscarriage and i sit there and think about how big i would have been if i was still pregnant about how i would feel right now if i was pregnant. what i would be thinking about if she would be kicking up a storm in my belly right now. =[ i just feel like ive been robbed of that one feeling that every woman wants to feel.. i still have no idea how im suppose to deal with this loss that i have had. the more i think about it the more i just wanna break down and just give up on life.

 

[lightweight]

OH & I were married last May. I didn't want to risk being pregnant before the wedding although the first time we BD'd was actually 10 days before wedding. Took tablets on honeymoon to delay AF so really started trying after that. 6 months later nothing had happened so went to GP. She started blood tests and told me to BD at least once a day between days 12 & 16 - I decided to start with day 11 which was that day! It worked - I was due AF on Christmas Eve and decided not to test until after christmas so I wouldn't be disappointed so got BFP on 27th December. We were so happy. Only told both sets of parents to start with - and one of my best friends as we were staying with her for her 40th birthday when I was just over 5 weeks. At 6 weeks I had some browny discharge and panicked. Went to EPAU who scanned me and saw that everything was fine. It was amazing to see that something was there. 8 weeks 2 days I went to toilet, wiped and lots of red blood. Had few more drops of really dark red blood when I went to toilet next few times. Went to A&E - who couldn't scan as Sat - who referred me for scan on the Monday. Went for scan at 8+4 and saw hearbeat really clearly and baby moving around. at 9 weeks plus 6 I had a bit of spotting. Thought I wouldn't worry too much, we were moving 2 days later. Next day - 10 weeks - had more spotting - bit more blood. Spoke to midwife who suggested to come in to EPAU next morning - day we were moving - but as it was a Friday I didn't want to wait until Monday. So I went to EPAU on my own for scan as OH needed to be at home for removal men and I didn't want to ask Mum as I felt bad that she'd be seeing bad news - I think I knew. Baby was still there but no heartbeat. It was horrible. They reckon it died either later the day of the scan or next day. OH came to pick me up and I spent most of moving day in a blur. carried on bleeding for a few days - went back for scan 2 weeks later but baby & sac were still there. Waited another 2 weeks - bit more bleeding - re-scanned, but baby still there - although sac smaller. Booked me in for ERPC which I had just over 4 weeks after MMC diagnosed. Felt rough for a week afterwards - which I think was emotional as well as physical.

Started getting back to normal - had AF 3 1/2 weeks after ERPC. Started temp charting and trying again. Due on Apr 23rd - and knew I'd ov'd but temps hadn't gone down. Tested on April 24th - BFP - only said 1-2 weeks on conception indicator, but knew it was early to test. Really happy, but cautious. A bout 4 days later realised most of pregnancy symptoms had gone. tested again and still said 1-2 weeks. Went to GP who tested and said it was negative, although very faint possibility. Sent for HCG test. Test came back low, but still high enough to be positive for preg. GP said she'd see me again in about 10 days to re-test. at just over 6 weeks started spotting - which then turned into more bleeding. Went to EPAU at 6 weeks + 4. Sent for HCG - phoned later that day and said it had gone up but still wasn't really high enough. small possibility was viable but not hopeful. That evening I miscarried - bleed really heavily for 2-3 hours. Was getting worried at amount of blood but it eased off. Went back to EPAU 3 days later for blood tests which had dropped completely confirming m/c. Wasn't as emotional or upset as first time around. I think i knew all along something wasn't right and reckon baby never made it past around 4 weeks.

Now waiting for AF and an appointment to go to re-current miscarriage specialist.

It's been an emotional rollercoaster the last few months...

 

[Onika]

Hubby and I got decided to after our 2 surprise babies are now growing into awesome kids 5&6 pidgeon pair and that we were married and getting settled that we might try to plan a bub. My sister was pregnant and we thought we would time it so that our babies would be about 6 months apart as all other cousins are so grown up now. She lost her baby in november 09 at 11 wks.

Then in Feb 10 my sis and I did a test 2 days apart being on similar cycles and the were both pos. We were so excited we started calling our babies the twins because even before the pregancy we both talked about having twins and then once we had out dating scans it turns out that they practically are being only days apart. Sounds crazy I know but right from the start I had the feeling that things werent right I am not sure if it was stress because my sister lost her baby, or was it stress money, house, work the lot. I had been spotting the whole pregnacy I had not had this with my first 2and the Dr said that happens sometimes with C-sections so i was wasnt concerned on April 26 I couldnt get comfy on my bed so I laid on the kids bed and then I laid on the couch and then I got up and had a shower a hot shower I realised my back was aching really really aching. I went to the toilet and my spotting had turned red not the brownish colour it usually was and I knew something wasnt right.
When I arrived at the hospital the nursing staff were great the Ob and gynnie dr from emergency came and saw me and we did a scan 13 wk 2 day heart beat good baby had the hiccups and was moving around but the pain OMG the pain so they gave me some pain killers (panadol) and said that if the pain doesnt go away i would have to stay over night. And so I did stay over night. Hubby was on a plane looking after a bunch of teenagers for a state rugby trip...so i was by myself....That night was horrific I knew I was losing the baby and nurses on the ward were not that friendly at first once the Dr ssaw me everything changed and they gave me some morphine after 8 hours of labour pain and cramping and I feel asleep. I wish I hadnt though when I woke up I was in a pool of blood and I broke down. I got in the shower and there was a big clot on the floor I cried some more knowing exactly what was happening and having no one there to hold me.
The Dr returned in the morning and we did another scan and there was no more heart beat, my heart brokw where was it what happened why would this happen in less than 24hrs. So it was recommended that I birth the baby as this puts less stress and healing time for the body or something.

That night I got my mum to stay because I didnt want to be alone and nothing the drugs didnt work and the next morning I was told I will have to have another course. At 8.45am 28 April I felt my baby coming and the drs wanted to keep the baby to test and so on. I birthed my baby into frickin bed pan (sorry that picture haunts me and its what I see when I see my baby) he was beautiful, tiny hands of angel about 5mm wide. he reminded me of my son. About an 1hrs later I was discharged.

Now I am empty and my sisters baby is growing inside her and she has a belly and is 18wks on Saturday and she just felt her baby move for the first time.
i am happy for her.
Its been 4weeks and 1 day I am lost, I am lonely and I confused, but sometimes I am not.
That is my story....

 

[9jawife]

This is my story about how the only extreme happiness I had felt in my life was taken away from me.
At the beginning of June 2009 I found out I was pregnant with my first baby. I was only 19 years old and with University later in the year, I didn’t know what to think. I rushed to my boyfriends Workplace to tell him. His face dropped. This was not meant to happen. I think we both knew that there was no way that we could ever possibly keep this baby. Not with the way that everything was. He wasn’t in the best financial place and neither was I.
I came home with a huge amount of thoughts running through my mind, but I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. Once he was home. We sat down to talk and we came to that terrifying, horrible decision of going through with a termination. How my heart sank. This was something I thought I would never have to go through. But somehow, I knew I had to.
That week I went to the doctors to arrange a termination. She worked out that I would possibly be 10 weeks pregnant. This made the situation worse for me as I thought that was when the baby was known as a foetus. My offspring. I felt so horrible.
I had to wait a week and a bit for the consultation day to arrive. And during that week my mind was in total conflict 24/7. Somewhere deep inside of me was yelling at me, ‘why are you going to doing this? It’s not right!’ But then there was another one saying ‘you have to… It’s your only choice’. I really didn’t know what to do. I was so stuck. Everyday of that week was filled with extreme sadness. I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would end up doing something like this. But during your life, you never think the worse situation would ever happen to you. But life isn’t like that. Bad things will always happen to everyone. This was mine. I was inconsolable. He couldn’t help me. Even though he tried and tried. He was better at concealing his emotions, even though deep down, he was dieing. He told me that this was something that he has wanted all his life, and he was devastated at the fact we had to get rid of it. He was so happy when I told him I was pregnant, but when he realised that we couldn’t keep it. It tore him up inside. I knew how it felt. But throughout that week I had his full support. Just knowing I had him there no matter what made me feel just that little bit better. He was the only support system I had throughout this whole ordeal.
Consultation day. How I was scared. I knew that it wasn’t the actual termination day but knowing that it was the start made me really afraid. I still had my head saying that I should get rid, where my heart was saying keep it. But I knew that I had University and a future to plan. So I though that I must do this. It won’t be right on the baby. When the time came round to having a scan done, I found that I was only about 5/6 weeks pregnant. I was relived and disappointed at the same time as I asked to see a scan picture. I was relived at the fact wit was developed at much, and the termination would be easy, but I was disappointed at the fact I couldn’t see anything other than a little pea shaped object. I was hoping to see a baby shape. But I didn’t.
I found out that I could have the termination the tablet way, which was the way I had wanted it to be, even though I know I would be going through pain, at least I wouldn’t have to have the surgical way or anyways after that.
I remember going home in the car with him and reading a leaflet that they had given me about the procedure. The only line that stuck out to me was ‘You will miscarry in the privacy of your own home’. I still don’t know how this line made me cry so much. I suppose it was just the thought of going through a miscarriage, and feeling the pain as it dies. I felt so guilty at the thought I will be killing an innocent little life. I just thought I would be seen as a murderer.
I had to wait another week to go back to the clinic to have the termination. And yet again I was torturing myself over what I would be doing. I really needed to straighten my mind out and think what would be right for me. And over the week after people support and thoughts I finally came to clear decision. I decided to keep it.
Never ever in my life have I ever felt so happy about something I decided to do. I felt all the sadness drift away and happiness consume me. I couldn’t stop smiling. Every time I saw babies, I thought to myself that would be me soon. It felt so right. He was overjoyed and began to tell people about it. He was so happy that he would finally be the daddy he has always wanted to be. We were so happy.
I cancelled the appointment and started wondering around baby stores and baby clothes, even purchasing a cute selected few. I even bought baby books and sat there reading them for hours getting myself all excited about the prospect of what I will be going through and what I will have in the end. This happiness I felt I can never explain fully with words. I knew this was the right thing to do for me. And I loved it.
But then disaster struck. The Monday I was due in the clinic for the termination, I started to bleed. Not much but it was enough to make me worried that there was something wrong. I went to the doctors straight away who booked me in for a scan on the following Friday just to check that everything is alright.
The next few days were very agonising. I knew deep down that something was wrong and I couldn’t stop worrying, even with people telling me it’s normal and that it would be nothing, deep down inside I knew that it wasn’t. All I could think was miscarriage, and no one or anything could change it.
My worse fears were realised on the Wednesday night through to Thursday morning. Trying to sleep and waking up in a huge amount of pain. He was crying. He didn’t know what to do. I was rushed to A & E and given pain killers straight away. I knew I had miscarried and coincidently, it was on the day I would have been in the clinic to complete the rest of the termination.
I had an internal to see what was happening and this tortured me. I didn’t know whether to cry or not. But I didn’t. I had to be strong. I really didn’t want to believe it, but when the doctor turned round to say that might have pulled out something to confirm the miscarriage. I felt lost. She left the room to take a closer look at what she got while I got myself sorted. She came back and said it does look like you have miscarried. I’m really sorry. I didn’t know what to do. She said I have to take it easy and I must still go to the scan to check everything was alright. But really, I just didn’t care. I was silent all the way home.
He sat with me telling his feeling. He was very emotional. I couldn’t blame him. We had lost our child. Plus he thought he would have lost me because he had never seen me in so much pain before in his life. He really did care. No wonder I love him so much. All he wanted was for me to be alright no matter what.
I was just so devastated. I had never felt so low in my life. I just felt like my heart was ripped out of me. I couldn’t believe that I was so happy. Happier than I had ever been in my life and then I’m at the other end of the spectrum. I really didn’t understand why it had to happen to me. I have been through loads already. I had been through the torture of a possible termination and then this happens. How cursed I felt. I really did want this baby, but somehow it didn’t happen. What was I to do?
The next day I just didn’t do anything. I couldn’t eat much or even smile. He tried his best to be there for me, but I could do anything. I finally came round to looking at baby related stuff I had while listening to emotional music. How I cried.
I bought a pregnancy test kit when my bleeding started just to see if I still was and it still was positive. But there was another one. So I used it and it still said positive. I just felt sick with sadness as I knew there was nothing there. I knew it would take time for my body to settle back down to the way it used to be. I just didn’t want to accept it. But while listening to my sad music, I got all my baby stuff together and boxed it up. I felt so depressed. Looking at the baby clothes and picturing a baby in them. Why did this happen. I wanted to know. I was so ready to be a mum and it never happen. I did a little letter to go inside the box also. It said when I found out I was pregnant and when I had the miscarriage, but underneath it had a little note to the baby I lost. ‘The pain I felt will never go away. The worse pain I will ever feel physically and emotionally for the rest of my life. The bay I lost, but will never be forgotten. Love you always my lost baby. Be safe in heaven. Lots of love, always and forever, Mummy and Daddy’.
This will be a keepsake I will have forever and I will hopefully one day bring this box out again for when I hopefully get pregnant again. One day I hope to see a baby in those clothes, and I hope to read those books as they lean on my baby bump. I’ll keep dreaming.
In the mean time I had another scan to confirm there was nothing left just blood and lining to get rid of. They still want to check that everything alright with me and that my body will return to normal. Part of me doesn’t want it to. But I know deep down it will and it will be like it was before.
If I could turn back the clock I would, because everything would be so different, and maybe, the baby would still be with me.
But to all the pregnant women who might read this. I wish you all the best with your babies. I hope all this doesn’t happen with you because I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But for the people who have had a miscarriage. I hope that one day you will find your peace. Do something to honour your loss. I know I will be. I will have a little start tattooed near where my womb is situated in remembrance of the little star that was once there. This is the worse pain that anyone can feel and I know this will stay with me forever. My first pregnancy. My first child that never was.

Hi Amsbabes,

Your story really touched my heart as it sounds almost like mine. I hope in the two years that have passed you have managed to heal somewhat. I know it is something that never really goes away. My pregnancy was completely unexpected and couldn't have come at a worse time. Chronic illness, finances, etc. I actually prayed several times that God would take my baby because I could not see spending the next 8 months unable to take any medication for my severe depression/anxiety that was crippling me, for fear it would harm the developing baby. In the end I decided that I could afford to wait a little for relief in exchange for giving my baby life. There was no way I could terminate a pregnancy I've been looking forward to for almost ten years.

But just as suddenly as I started to feel happy, the cramps I'd be feeling throughout my pregnancy grew much sharper. I then started bleeding, and I knew it was all over. The following evening, at home alone while my husband was at work, I miscarried in the bathroom. It was one of the most awful, most surreal experiences I have ever had. Here was the baby that had been a part of me for six weeks, a baby whose heart was once beating and all organs formed, laying in the toilet. I know it was the baby because I forced myself to take a good look at it, so I would know if I had miscarried or not. I put a glove on my hand and fished out the tissue with the handle of the toilet brush. Definitely an embryo: whitish, solid. Immediately following came the yolk sac and the largest chunk of uterine wall or blood clot, I'm not sure which, I have ever seen. I sat there and cried and cried, feeling like a failure.
It hasn't even been 24 hours and I feel empty. I know it's silly, but I wish I hadn't asked God to take my baby. Maybe this wouldn't have happened if I didn't. Or maybe if I had controlled my stress, I would have been able to sustain the pregnancy. I'll never know. I like the idea of getting a small tattoo on my womb area to honor the baby.

Just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I did read most of the other stories in this thread, and my heart goes out to you all. Losing a baby at 6 weeks gestation is hard enough, let alone 12 or 24. The only blessing I can think of in my case is that I did not kill my baby. It's hard enough to deal with when it was out of my control-I cannot imagine knowing I did it on purpose. I am not trying to advise anyone else in a difficult/crisis pregnancy, just for myself I know if I ever have another unplanned pregnancy, that is something I will not consider after what I've been through.

 

[kaiticat]

Hi everyone, thank you for sharing your stories! It's a relief to not feel so alone.

Well, I'll start off by saying that it was July 2010 when my ex boyfriend and I had unprotected sex, and I forgot to take my birth control 2 days in a row.
I realized about 2 weeks after that I was pregnant because I had a very light period (I'm used to having very heavy periods), I also found that my breasts were very sore, and I was getting very nauseous especially when I smelled meat. I never told anybody because I was scared and I had just turned sixteen.
I remember in the beginning of september 2 months later that I was having bad cramps and knew immediately that something was wrong. The cramps kept getting worse, and I was sweating bullets and could barely breathe. I then felt a small gush and ran to the bathroom to check. Sure enough I was bleeding slightly and passing small clots and gooey material, and later on in that night I had a slightly larger clot and knew I'd lost my baby.

I never had any kind of support from anyone and my ex boyfriend made me feel stupid for not saying anything, and being afraid and extremely emotional.
I look back now and I know that it was almost for the best because I was and still am so young. I had a terrible relationship with a guy who never wanted children, and I couldn't imagine getting myself to the place I am now if I would've had my baby. I do want children someday, and I do think about my son everyday! It's still an emotional and hard thing for me, but I know my little boy is watching over me and proud of me! He's my little angel!

 

[jesuslover]

I am 37yrs old my husband and i finally got pregnant at 9weeks went to my 1st obgyn appt only to find out no heartbeat omg i was devastated and so was husband so my being scared to death of a d&c we decided to go with the choice of miscarrying natural i hurt and bled for 5 weeks still passed nothing finally i had to have a d&c (suction) while put to sleep and let me ease anyones mind had i known before what i do now i wouldve had this whole thing behind me and past me weeks ago id advise the d&c anyday over natural may god be with you all and im so sorry for what any of you is facing