my mom wanting stay with us

[lilyanne]

So I’m not sure how I feel about this so I’m looking for some advice. This is my first child. I live in Germany with my husband. We don’t have any family around; they are all in the states. I do have friends here though so I am not alone or without some type of support network. My mother wants to come to stay with us from before the birth, be there during the birth, and then stay with us after the birth for the first week or so.

I really don’t know how I feel about this. In my mind I have always just visualized it just being my husband and I in the delivery room but I am okay with having my mom there for that. It’s more the fact of her staying with us right after the birth that kind of freaks me out. My mother and I are both very opinionated and tend to butt heads about everything.

My husband was planning on taking the first week off and it just being the three of us bonding. I know if my mom comes my husband will not take off the week and will go back to work. I’ve suggested her coming a week or two after the birth to help out but she really wants to be there for the whole process. What does everyone think?

 

[scuffer]

I think suggesting to your Mum that she comes once your husband is back at work is a good idea, you could suggest it in that way, that he'll be at work and you'll be on your own so will need the support. I do think you, your partner and your baby will need a little time to start to get to know each other, it's such a special period.

 

[miss cakes]

nooooooooooooooooo! big mistake if your anything like me n my mum you get along just fine as long as you arent under eachothers feet then you just get on eachothers nerves and argue also shes bound to stick her nose in about what your doing with baby which will get on your nerves if i was you id tell her thanks but no thanks as your husbands planning to be there the whole time anyway x

 

[Kelly81]

Hmm tricky one

I'm half expecting the same situation to crop up, although nothing has been mentioned yet.

I'm planning on saying that although we have a due date we don't know if the baby will be early or late to it would be difficult to make travel plans and for my Mum to take time off work, maybe this one could work for you if your Mum has to book flights etc?

 

[jenb]

well considering this is going to be one of the best experiences of your life you have every right to have it the way you want, tell her you plan on spending that first week alone with your new family if you dont want to hurt her feelig tell her you would rather have her there when your hubby goes back to work and say you think its pointless to have her and hubby there the 1st week then noone once she goes home and hubby goes back to work if that makes sense plus what if she comes over before the birth and you are 2 weeks over due?? lol it means she will be there for ages lol id talk to her again hope it goes well! x

 

[MajorBee]

Hi, I'm in similar situation in that I'm living overseas & expecting my first. Though Mum & I get along really well, I still feel the birth & first week or two is a really special time for me & my other half to spend time with the bub as a brand new family. And getting our heads around the change! So I spoke about it with Mum & she's booked to arrive 2 and a half weeks after our EDD. Which will hopefully time in nicely with DH's return to work!

 

[Jessicax5]

When I had my first two, I was in the States (am originally from Germany) and my mom came to stay with us for the first 3 months each time. She wasn't in the delivery room or anything as she didn't want to be there since my ex was there with me. I would've been uncomfortable for her to be there to be honest and she never had a problem not being there for the delivery. After we brought my first home, she wanted to tell me that I need to give DD extra fluids on top of formula... It was hard to get that out her mind since that's how I was raised (23 years ago at the time). The second time around I breastfed and every single time DD would cry after 2 hours of finishing feeding she felt like the baby didn't get enough and that I should add formula etc.... It was definitely a struggle since she wanted to tell me how things were done back in the 70's and how we turned out just fine and so on, so on. Once the 3 months were up it was definitely time for her to go home and we both were happy when it was time for her to leave.... It did have positives though as she did help out a lot when I was tired and wanted to take a nap I didn't have to worry about it because she took care of the house and even cooked. On the other hand it was difficult once she left bc all of the sudden I had to take care of all of that again and I had to figure out a schedule on how to get everything done since she was there doing it all for so many weeks....

Where in Germany are you at?

 

[missjaime]

ok if i were you id say thanks but no thanks she had her children so she needs to step back and let you and your husband have your turn. how are you and your husband ment to build up that special bond with ya mum there to giving you constant advise that will result in head butting.
my MIL invited herself to everything and i said no way this is our baby not yours shes was hurt but too bad shes had her kids so she needs to take a back seat and wait. you will be trying to get into a routine of some sort and having more opinions then needed there wont help

 

[lilyanne]

Thanks for the advice everyone! You all sound like your thinking is along the same lines of what I was thinking. It makes me feel much better.

 

[lilyanne]

Jessicax5, I'm south of Stuttgart near the Swiss border.

 

[Starry Night]

If you mom insists she must come at some point (which could be nice as it is her grandchild) maybe you could play it up as being a bigger help if she came a bit later rather than sooner? Flatter her ego a bit.

 

[lilyanne]

I suggested she come afterward because it would be much more helpful on Skype a little while ago and she went on and on about how she wanted to see the birth and started to cry with happiness thinking about the birth. LOL I think this is going to be harder than I thought.

 

[littleblonde]

just be honest and ask her to come out the week after wen hubby is back at work.you will be glad of the help then. But 1st week is magic and should be you 3 x

 

[Lani]

I'd push for her to come a week or two after your hubby goes back to work. That's what mine is doing. My mum asked when I would like her to come tho... Maybe u could say you'd like to spread your helpers out over a few weeks. Or u could say she'll get more time with bub if she waits til your hubby has gone back to work!

 

[lalaland09]

My MIL and FIL wanted to do the same. They ended up staying in a hotel for 5 days and, all too soon, coming to stay with us for 2 weeks. PROS: dinner was cooked every night and I could nap anytime. CONS: I couldn't BF in the living room with the TV and internet, they would feed LO a bottle whenever they wanted so I'd have to pump if my milk came in and he was already fed (annoying!!), felt like we had to be quiet at night.

With the new LO they're coming a week after the birth which is fine. They can play with my son while I bond with the new baby. I'm really looking forward to the help this time.

 

[Starry Night]

Honestly, the idea of a mom or mil demanding to be at the birth seems really pushy to me. Even though there will be a room full of strangers staring up your woo-hoo the though of my mom seeing me in that...um...position just feels awkward and like an invasion of private space. Inviting them is one thing but I don't know where they get the idea that they should EXPECT to be there. To me, the birth is a moment to be shared between the mum, dad and the child. I guess I believe in the importance of the immediate family circle. Extended family is great and I have wonderful relationships with mine but they should mind their space. I don't know...

My mom has offered to come to help but she said she'd wait at least a week to give us a chance to get used to the baby and to bond and to figure out our own way of doing things. If I wanted her to come later she would. And I have asked DH to suggest to the in-laws to wait until a bit later to come. I like them but they're difficult to get along with at times and I can't see myself being nice 24/7 when I'm still bleeding/stitched/getting up every hour for feedings. LOL

 

[Mya209]

Personally, and this is just for me, I wouldn't consider it in a million years! I've even said no to her driving down after the birth. I just want me and my hubby for at least the first week! But I'm not close with my mum at all!!!

 

[mrswilsey]

i hear ya. im in the same situation, mom wanting to stay w us for the first week. i agree with you. i think its a bonding time for mom dad and baby. tough situation!

 

[missjaime]

im planning on putting a sign on the front door saying if you didnt call to say you were coming around then go away.
seems mean but too bad iv carried this child for 9 month and just given birth to it im still drippin and my boob is always out so why do i want people around me "helping"
its manly mil and fil il have issues with since they seem to think they shud be included in everything

 

[Apen2009]

I think for first time moms, it's a little difficult to make the leap from being someones child to being the mother. You will be doing yourself a HUGE favor if you assert your position as the mother in this relationship now. She is now the grandmother, not the mother. YOU call the shots in how things will be handled when it comes to your family, your child. It's such a hard bridge to cross, I think, for everyone involved.
And you can be very nice about it. . as someone already suggested. . . maybe have her come up after your husband goes back to work. And sometimes you just have to tell her how it's going to be. . don't ask.. remember that roles have changed and your the mother now. . as far as the deliver room goes. . that's obviously a very personal decision for you to make but no frickin' way as far as I'm concerned.. that was a private moment for me and my husband to share. It was our moment to connect with each other on a whole new level and it was OUR moment to share with OUR child.
My MIL stayed with us for about a week once the baby was born. I LOVE my MIL but I'll tell you what. . I couldn't wait to see her go. . . God bless her. . . but I needed my child, my husband and that's it. . .
I guess I can say welcome to motherhood and all the 'mothering' that comes along with it.
Just stand your ground, don't compromise on what you feel is best for your family. . and always be sensative to your Moms feelings. . afterall we will all, one day, be Grandmothers ourselves