My mother is taking over my wedding...I'm desperate for some advice!!

[KittyPaws]

So I just got engaged only a week ago. My mom is paying for the wedding because I'm her only daughter, and she wants it to be a huge, show-off wedding. She picked the hall, the band, everything. I just agreed because I happen to like them too. We have to have the ceremony at the reception hall, which was not our first choice, but we can't get married in a Catholic church without a TON of running around.

As far as the guest list, she invited 55 people. I have 30, INCLUDING my bridal party of 6 girls and their guests. My fiance has 40, not including his party (he does have to cut it down), and she's only allowing my fiance's parents to invite 35. 35!! We all went to dinner last night to celebrate, and I got upset that she was telling me and my fiance that we have to significantly cut down our lists.

Also, she's choosing the menu. We don't have a say, because "you can order whatever you want for yourselves". Every wedding I've been to, I was able to look at something there and see the couple in it. I feel like we're going to get lost in this wedding, and we'll just be the couple 'on show'...it won't actually be about us.

This is the message she sent me this morning:

Nikki,
I really had a nice time last night,but, as for the amount of people for the wedding guests,the number must come down, [my fiance] has more than I thought he would(himself) and I was going to give [his mother] a block of 30-35 tops,If you and [my fiance] need the 170 or over ,you will have to pick up the tab on that,dad and I set a limit of up to 165,you have to remember, we still have to pay for the wedding cereomony to be there,personel flowers, and flowers for the ceremony and staircase ,boutineers, etc plus clothing for the wedding.Also when It comes down to the final menu selections that will be offered, we will consider all opinions, but dad and I will have the final say on that, we are after all paying for this reception and the menu needs to be well balanced,you and [my fiance] may order whatever you like for yourselves
Also, I did like the attitude you gave me at the table last night about this topic. You have gotten so far everything you wanted, place, band, wedding where you wanted it etc.
We don't want to argue with you, but the attitude does need to come down a notch!Dad agrees.
Now I am looking forward to tommorow, the wedding gown will of course be your choice,however I will give my opinon on what looks goood and what does not.Be grateful that we are able to do what we can.we want you to have a fabulous wedding but we aree not rich and must set limits.

 

[JellyBeann]

Ouch! This is difficult...hmmm...really if it was me, i would sit down with her and explain that while you really appreciate what she is doing for you and your wedding, at the end of the day it is your wedding and you need to look back on the day and not regret a single thing about it, and tell her to imagine how you would feel if you thought "my wedding was lovely, but it wasn't what I wanted, and that was my mums fault?" I'm sure she wouldn't want you to feel that she stopped you having the wedding of your dreams!!?

As for guest list, if you need more people than they are prepared to pay for, could you not just pay for those people on top? If they really aren't going to budge on the subject?

Might not have made sense or even be that good advice, but I hope I've helped a bit!

 

[JellyBeann]

Oh, did you mean, she invited 55 of her friends? If she did and you don't want them, tell her they are not coming...as it's not her wedding lol, and you want your friends to share in your special day, not a load of strangers!

 

[KittyPaws]

My parents invited their friends, coworkers, and family. Some of which have never met my fiance, and have only met me once! Buy they 'have' to invite them due to 'social standards'. My mom even invited my gynecologist! While I love the guy, I left him off the official list I'm making up. This is just getting silly.

I would gladly pay for the extra guests, but my fiance and I are already going to be struggling to pay for a honeymoon. My parents are only paying for the wedding itself. So we can't afford the extra guests.

I tried to explain that I wanted the wedding to be a reflection of us as a couple, but it comes down the the money in her mind. She's paying, therefore, her choice.

 

[JellyBeann]

Aww hun, This sounds really awful...really really out of line inviting her friends....I'd actually say that if she doesn't take them off the list then you'll put a list at the door as well as a security guard with a list of people who are allowed in! Then they'll be turned away, and your friends allowed in instead! It would be a nasty surprise on the day, but it would get through...as for food, if you talk to the place and say to ignore what she says and do what you say instead? Sneaky, but gets the point across!

Maybe sit down for a talk with her and cry? I know it sounds silly, but a crying daughter makes a lot of difference!! Is your dad more likely to get on your side? Ypu could talk to him on his own then one day, get him to change her mind?

 

[booflebump]

If your parents are paying for a huge proportion of the wedding, then unfortunately, they will need to be allowed to invite some guests. However, denying your own list and your fiances list (and his familys) isn't fair. Perhaps a compromise on numbers could be reached? The only way for them not to have a say whatsoever is to pay for it yourself

xxx

 

[KittyPaws]

I just talked to my future MIL, who is thankfully a lot more understanding than my own mom. We figured that if I have 34 guests, my fiance has 34 (each including our bridal party and their guests), and my MIL has 37, it'll keep the guest list under the number. It sucks, and we both won't have everyone we want there, but it'll keep my mom happy. And as people say no, ONLY my fiance and I (and my MIL if she wants) will get to add more.

Crying is a definite no around my mom. I'm a lot more sensitive and emotional than her, so she's constantly telling me to grow up and grow a thicker skin when I cry.

The menu? I just have to give up on that. I don't see any other way. Luckily, my saint of a MIL offered to see what we both like during the tasting, and really push for them when my mom makes the final decision. Remind me to thank that woman a million times over...

 

[booflebump]

Aww, it sounds like you are at least blessed with a very nice MIL!

 

[JellyBeann]

Yeah, can you try a compromise with the menu with your mum? At least she has "allowed" you to have whatever you want...

 

[mummymunch]

To be honest i would rather have a smaller wedding and pay for it all myself than someone dictating what i can and cant do at my wedding! Were waiting till 2013 so we know we can afford to invite who we want, could you move your date and save like we're doing? its ur wedding so why should your mum invite people without your agreement! Sounds like a nightmare to me & that shes using her money against you!

 

[blondebabe]

To be honest i would rather have a smaller wedding and pay for it all myself than someone dictating what i can and cant do at my wedding! Were waiting till 2013 so we know we can afford to invite who we want, could you move your date and save like we're doing? its ur wedding so why should your mum invite people without your agreement! Sounds like a nightmare to me & that shes using her money against you!

Yeah me too! It's quite difficult when ur mum is so strong willed as for someone inviting your vagina doctor that is just waaaaay too far lol. I agree with the other comments tho, you only have 1 day, make it special ! Xxxx

 

[KittyPaws]

Agreed with everyone! I'd rather go to the Justice of the Peace at this point and just get it over and done with. She's doing nothing but showing off! Case in point: She told me last night that she wants to invite my grandfather's friends, because they will 'give big gifts'!! When I told her that I'd rather have no gifts and all of my close friends, she pulled the 'paying for the wedding' bit again and told me that I wasn't to tell her what to do.

She has 60 people invited, and said that me, my fiance, and my fiance's mother all have more invited than her. She didn't say ANYTHING when I told her that we each were able to invite 30, while she had the SIXTY. TWICE THE AMOUNT OF ANY OF US.

She ruined my good day. We got the dress of my dreams yesterday, and it seemed like my mother and I were going to be okay. She even cried when I put it on.

 

[myasmumma]

To be honest i would rather have a smaller wedding and pay for it all myself than someone dictating what i can and cant do at my wedding! Were waiting till 2013 so we know we can afford to invite who we want, could you move your date and save like we're doing? its ur wedding so why should your mum invite people without your agreement! Sounds like a nightmare to me & that shes using her money against you!

i agree..personally i would just say thanks for the offer but id prefer to do things the way i want them, and invite who i want

 

[michyk84]

I'm another who agrees with mummymunch here the reason we are paying for our own wedding is purely so we can have final say in exactly how our day goes
for you it doesnt sound easy at all

 

[numb3rthree]

I think id tell her to keep her mmoney.. she should be paying becsuse she wants you to have a fab day not because she wants control..

 

[EmmyReece]

hun I have to agree with mummymunch, this is your's and your fiance's day that we're talking about here, not your mum's. reading this has made me so angry for you because you should be excited and able to invite who you want without being dictated to

 

[KittyPaws]

*sigh* I finally told my mom that if this was how things are going to be (even more crap came up two days ago..you don't even want to know), then I don't even want a wedding. My fiance and I would happily go to the Justice of the Peace. She was very quiet for a moment, then said that the deposits were in, so the wedding is happening.

So, sadly, my fiance and I decided to stop trying to go against what she wants. She will throw us a beautiful wedding. And hopefully we will have some say in the smaller things (I did get the dress of my dreams, luckily because my mom and I have the same taste). But we're done arguing. She's getting the menu she wants (including chicken marsala, which I hate with a passion), she's getting the guests she wants. Out of 165 people invited, my fiance and I have 60 in total. My fiance's parents have 30. My mother has the rest.

*sigh* I feel so defeated.

 

[EmmyReece]

Tell her that you don't care about the deposits, this is your wedding hun, you can't have something on the menu that you don't like. This is completely wrong and I can't believe she is being so selfish. Honestly hun, I say postpone the wedding, leave your mum to her plans, save up for a couple of years and then get married.

I'm absolutely furious for you so much so I'm actually crying out of anger However beautiful your wedding may be, this is wrong

 

[mummymunch]

tbh i'd tell her thats her fault the deposits were gone and i was booking what i wanted, she could throw the wedding without me! i moved out, had a baby and got engaged cause im a "grown up" i do grown up things and make grown up decisions, tbh your mum is treating you like a child, and you're not (sorry if these seems harsh, i just dont know how to put it) but i think you'll look back and regret it for the rest of your life

 

[michyk84]

agree with the others on this its your day not only is she taking over with guests but food too that is just not on even if she is paying she should still be letting the final choice be with you & your partner