My sister in law is pregnant and I'm not

[Tishimouse]

I really feel compelled to write here as it's just unbelievable how insensitive people can be. If it's a stranger making the comments or even a friend, you can walk away but when it's family (even in-law's) it's hard to get away from the comments.

Firstly, age seems to be a factor in everything in life. When you are in your 20's you think your body will work like clockwork (not necessarily so), 30's you feel like time is running out (not necessarily so) and 40's, well that's where I am and sometimes it feels like I should give up ... but I haven't run out of steam quite yet.

Since TTC, I have heard and read about so many problems couples have relating to TTC and every single problem can hit anyone of any age. Couples get pregnant and think their worries are over ... when in reality they can be just starting. You just remember that if your brother-in-law and his wife are this ignorant before becoming parents (and please God they will be blessed with a problem free pregnancy), what chance does their child have.

In your case, it may take you a while longer to conceive (as you have been trying a while), but you will most likely be better parents (dare I say it) because you will feel truly blessed when you do become pregnant. I believe that if you are kind and considerate to other people, you will reap the benefits. You will feel good about yourself and have nothing to feel sorry for. If I was you, I would say out straight to your brother-in-law (only if he is aware that you are TTC) that his comments are hurtful and tell him directly that his comments are cruel, immature and thoughtless. Remind him that he may experience something similar in the future if and when they try for a second child and that he will then know how devastating it is for people to pass comment on something that is none of their business. He needs to be told ... I would be firm but say is calmly and confidently without arguing and hope that he has enough intelligence to back off and support you both rather than taunt you over something so sensitive. He sounds very immature so you may wisely choose to say nothing to him ... it depends on how he is in reality.

If it is possible, you should find a place of your own. I hate to say this too, but your In-Law's shouldn't pass comment at all ... how downright rude of them.

I hope you are OK and that things improve. Desperation sets in after a while (I've been there) and that's not a good place to be so I hope this phase passes quickly for you.

Best of luck and sending you some

 

[Trying4ever]

Thank you so much for all your advice and just.....sympathy. It really helped me get through yesterday. I'm still really tearful today though. I don't know if I can truly blame my SIL ...she's only 25 and wants a baby doll (!) If I look deeper into it, she craves attention and my BIL is 34 so sometimes it is difficult as he always feels as though he is babysitting her....In fact I also feel as though I am babysitting her as she can't drive so I take her around or I have to do the shopping myself as we all live together (so my DH doesn't get stressed when he gets back from work I run the household errands), she hasn't finished uni (she has some exam next week and then she said she will pack up). The thing is I do put on a brave front saying that we don't want kids just yet otherwsie she will clock on and tel my MIL and all our reli's that I have a problem getting pregnant and that she did it the first time they tried. She has already been on the phone all weekend telling her family and my in-laws the good news. It really is rubbing salt to my wounds. But thank god she is going to stay with her mum from the end of this month so that might make me feel better and maybe I can relax and concentrate on myself. I really do feel guilty though for feeling so negative to her. Don't get me wrong these feelings are just between me and you guys. I can't let my SIL feel crap because of me when she is pregnant. But my BIL really does have an attitude problem who I will have words with next time he makes a jibe at me....hopefully without crying. Worse thing is he says it behind my back to my DH who then tells me. I think he is insecure and justifying it to himself for making his wife pregnant so early on. In-laws are in-laws and they are never like your own brothers and sisters of whose kids I adore and treat like my own. But I don't think I can with my BIL's. There will always be underlyng competition even if you try not to.

My hubby and I had a massive argument last night cos I asked him if we could think about getting our own place and living separately so that we can live our own lives. He said it was too expensive with the credit crunch malarky. I told him that we'll manage as we both earn and his brother is the only breadwinner as my SIL doesn't work and just sits at home. Then it dawned on me that his brother can't afford a place of his own and as my DH is elder he feels he has to look after them. I feel torn. My immature SIL is riding on the back of my experience and financial stability. It makes me feel sick that she has the only thing I can't have. I think if we did live separately then I wouldn't care so much as she wouldn't always be in my face. But I know once the baby comes I will hear it every night, I will see the dirty nappies, she will be too tired to clean the house and I will be the bitter OLD twisted cow in the house who's 'only after a career and didn't have time for children'.

I really hope your right though. That when we are blessed with a child (IF) I really hope so soon....but at this rate if I keep my stress levels high its not going to do me any good...that it will be brought up in a more financially stable environment and as we are older and wiser we will be better parents. They are both ignorant of this fact that a child needs a stable environment.
Oh god please help me feel better, get better and bless me with children soon

 

[SJK]

I can understand totally where you are coming from, a place of your own might be just what you need to relax and if they cant afford their own place, its not really your problem ?

But your day will come and you and your dh will be fantastic parents xxx

 

[mrsholmes]

No wonder u feel like that...... try the sperm meets the egg plan u'll find it in here under 'search' it really does work and the stuff u need u can get from accessdiagnostic.com good luck xxx

 

[Peanut78]

I understand what you mean (haven't read all the posts on this thread - so may be repeating or contradicting someone....) I also waited till I was 30 - ensured I was stable and reached a certain point in my careeer. I have always feared I may never have children (not for any concrete reasons...). Now eight months in and no sign of anything I wonder... Having said that; I also wonder if I or my OH would have been prepared to ttc sooner (I guess if we knew it may take a while we would have, - but how do you know??).
I spoke to SIL recently and she said her and her DH were going to start trying - all I could think was "how am I going to deal with her announcing her ... don't know how I am going to handle that, but can feel it coming....

 

[Trying4ever]

I know peanut, I don't think anything can really prepare you. I kind of knew that when I realised it wasn't happening for me that my SIL would drop the bombshell soon enough that she was pregnant. Then when she did I thought I could handle it. I congratulated her and then cried my eyes out for the rest of the next few days.

It really doesnt help but chin up and concentrate on yourself. This forum helps who is full of lovely lovely people and lots of support and symapthy and even better advice on how you can conceive like mrshomles has...I will have to try some things.

Good luck and keep us posted.

 

[iamwanting]

Here we go again. My other sister-in-law is now pregnant with her second. I just celebrated my brothers son's first birthday, and now my husband SIL is now pregnant with her second. I want to start a family so bad, my husband and I have been married for almost 8 years. My husband is still not ready, and not sure that he ever will be. He knows that I want children, and I wanted to start when we were 25, but now I am almost 30. I heard from my husband and have not spoken with my SIL yet, and I know it will be hard to sound happy for her, when my heart is breaking, that yet again I am not the next pregnant. I am feeling left behind, out of the circle, etc.etc. All of my close friends have started having children, so I have no support from my friends. I feel my clock ticking, and this spurs arguments with my husband, since he is not ready. I feel so left out of life, and truthfully have begun to mourn already for being a mommy. I have begun to meditate daily on the fact that I need to be okay with not having children, and live a happily fulfilled life being a wife and a teacher. Does anyone else out there know how I feel, or am alone in that too?

 

[Lollipopbop]

My OH sister in law announced her PG on sat and I was SO devastated, I was beside myself! I still haven't been able to congratulate them yet and we're neighbours also, just that bit harder.

Know exactly how you feel. It's not fair but our time will come and it'll be extra special!

xo

 

[wantanerd]

I have two SIL's who got pregnant right around the same time in 2007. One had a boy and one had twins a boy and a girl. That started to set off my baby fever and I really was okay when I heard the news back then since DH and I were about to get married and we had decided to wait until we were married a year to discuss trying.
Fast forward two years and relationships got rocky with his entire family and it seemed the only thing the in-laws focused on was the grand kids. We pulled away from the family for other reasons but once we started trying, I really got sick of all the pictures sent to us of the kids and the guilt trips DH endured begging him to come up and spend time with the entire family.
In 2010, the SIL with twins announced she was pregnant again. This ripped me up inside. Here I was waiting for my fertility tests to come back. I wasn't happy b/c we had heard from other family members about this SIL's money situation. They were barely making it with two kids and she had to start paying off new student loans she took out to get her masters. We found out she went to a fertility specialist to have her third so she could have a normal pregnancy. She didn't have one. She was in the hospital constantly but she gave birth to a healthy girl. (that killed me too. I want a girl so badly)
I am happy for the time being we live over 1000 miles away and we don't plan on attending any family functions. DH knows my relationship with the family is strained and I can't handle being surrounded by four kids when I want more than anything to have one.
And if DH is with all the kids, the sisters will take turns forcing him to hold and interact with the kids. The last few times this happened, it wasn't pretty. The kids are sheltered and they don't really know him so the moment they are put in his lap, the screaming/ crying starts which puts DH in a tough spot.
Hopefully one day both he and I will feel comfortable again in the family but I don't think that will happen until we have a kid.
PS sorry its so long.

 

[hakunamatata]

I do hope it's your turn soon!!

Big hugs!!