:( my xbf wants 50/50 custody of our baby ( canada)

Discussion in 'Pregnancy - Second Trimester' started by roselady, Nov 15, 2011.

  1. roselady

    roselady Active Member

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    Im 21 weeks pregnant, i've been with him for 7 years, He's from india and 25 years old living at home, his family was fine with him staying with me until sunday when his father found out, He wrote me and told me he needs to have "arranged marriage" and cant be with me anymore :( N they want DNA and if the "child" is his he wants 50/50 custody. He has three jobs, works everyday 8-5 then weekdend 7-3 and then again in the even doing delivery, so he makes good money and has to pay taxes instead of receiving, I live in ontario canada.
    I work everyday 25-30 hours a week during evenings 3-11 or 5-11. Ive been at the same job for 4 years, and i live at home with my parents.

    My question is, Will a judge allow him to have 50/50 custody when he wanted me to abort the baby at 8 weeks then again at 20 weeks, he drinks every night to fall asleep, he even told this to my mother when we started dating, and i know the cops have been called to their home for drinking. I dont mind letting him see the baby but i dont want him to have 50/50 custody, especially if i plan to breast feed?

    can some one please help me out?

    excuse my spelling errors :(
     
  2. AngelUK

    AngelUK Mummy of twin boys

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    I am sorry I cannot help you as I am from the UK and have no idea about such matters. But I didn't want to just read and run. I hope you can work it out but from a purely emotional and non legal standpoint I would always say that the mother should be the primary caregiver and/or least get at least 75%. And I would not trust my baby to anyone who needs to drink to fall asleep!
     
  3. sjwebb

    sjwebb Well-Known Member

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    If the judge has reasonable belief that he is an unfit father, as you said he has had the cops come to his house for drinking will be marked against him, so he may not get 50/50 but he still may get visitation rights. It really depends on the judge.
     
  4. kat2504

    kat2504 Well-Known Member

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    No, they are unlikely to award 50/50 custody. Your best bet might be to breast feed for as long as possible to prevent him having the baby overnight in the early months. You may have to go to court for the custody but I think it is highly unlikely to be 50/50. In most cases, weekend visitation and perhaps one night in the week is the norm.
    50/50 tends to be only after divorces really as the parent and child have already been living together for several years.
    I would be amazed if a judge awarded to separate a newborn from its mother for half the week.

    Get good legal advice from professionals about how to best sort out the access arrangements.
     
  5. roselady

    roselady Active Member

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    I feel like he's asking for 50/50 so he doesn't have to pay child support. If he doesn't pay it doesn't matter, I just don't want my baby around people who are angry and prejudice against anyone who is not like them. Do I have to put his name on the birth certificate? I forgot to mention that his sister in law even suggest that she adopt MY BABY so he could be free to marry someone else, so essentially he would have been denying his baby :( I never thought he would do this to me after 7 years, he told me he was free to be with anyone he wanted, I think his father just scared him too much :(
     
  6. jenniferttc1

    jenniferttc1 mommy of 1 baking #2

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    If you are breastfeeding, there is no way a judge would let him get 50/50 custody of the baby. You would atleast have most of the custody while you keep feeding.
     
  7. kat2504

    kat2504 Well-Known Member

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    Sounds very dodgy to me. I don't know the law where you are.
    In the UK an unmarried woman can register her birth alone. She does not have to give details of the father and his name is ONLY included on the certificate if he turns up in person to agree he is the father or she has a signed letter from him.

    However, if he can prove by DNA that he is the father, I assume he would be able to get a new certificate issued with his details on it.
    If he isn't on the certificate then of course you would have a hard time claiming child support but if you aren't bothered about that then that isn't a problem for you.

    How ridiculous is the idea of his sister in law adopting the baby? What is that about??
     
  8. AngelUK

    AngelUK Mummy of twin boys

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    What?! But what about you? Then it would be her baby and not yours any more? I think that family sounds incredibly insensitive and I would fight hard to not let them have your lil one at all or at the most for visitation rights! Luckily I don't think he stands much chance anyway cause no judge would surely give such a person that much custody of a baby! And yeah I would mention to a judge that he asked you to abort twice, though I am not sure how much sway that will hold legally :hugs:
     
  9. Sew_Sweet

    Sew_Sweet Well-Known Member

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    No idea - sorry honey. I used to date an Indian man as well and I know what trouble their families can be if they are very traditional. It was heartbreaking in the end because as you know the families always win. But it gave me the bitter taste of what racism feels like. Not something every white American gets to experience. Lucky me!

    It's good that he wants to be involved with baby (I think?) and I don't blame him for wanting to be in the baby's life. I am sure the judge would most likely allow some sort of visitation arrangement. I have no idea how that works with a newborn who is breastfeeding. Find a good lawyer. Good luck!

    EDIT: Wow @ the idea of his sister or sister-in-law adopting the baby. People are just crazy - chalk it up to that. I don't blame you for not wanting your child around people who may not be fully accepting of them. It is fully possible they may change their tune after baby is born but keep an eye on it.
     
  10. Tigge50447

    Tigge50447 Well-Known Member

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    I just want to wish you well and hope everything turns out ok.
     
  11. roselady

    roselady Active Member

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    Thank You all :( I'm very sad, i haven't stopped crying all day. I guess she offered to adopt the baby so that their family wouldn't look bad to whoever they choose for him :( I have never heard of anyone asking this, i never once said i didnt want my baby, if anything i fought to keep himThe sad part is he even took me around looking for homes with schools near by, Until this past sunday when his father found out :(

    Thanks everyone.
    If anyone has any experience with this in ontario, please let me know.
    The baby will be half spanish and half indian, I feel that they will not treat him like one of their own once he is born :( Thats my fear, That they will be ashamed of him and not treat him well when im not around just because he is a mix baby :(

    Thanks again :(
     
  12. ceejie

    ceejie Well-Known Member

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    Honestly, as harsh as it sounds, in Canada they dont care if the parents drink/do drugs...as long as they dont do it around the child. And seeing as the child is not born yet, it's impossible to proven that he will.

    If he's asking for 50/50 (and gets it) he wont have to pay child support. He will also get 50% of any child care tax benefits you are eligible for.

    You should start keeping a log of any interactions you have with him. Write down the date and time of any conversation you have and any threats or inappropriate comments he makes. That way if you do have to have a hearing you will have the facts, instead of just "oh one time he said this..."

    I really hope it all works out for you.
     
  13. lalitas charm

    lalitas charm Mummy to Bethan & Piplet

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    Wow it doesn't sound like he actually cares about the baby so much as trying to avoid paying anything towards them. I'm amazed at his SIL, the whole family appears to not have any thought that you have very strong rights in all of this!!

    It seems highly unlikely to me that he would get 50/50 but I am not familiar with Canadian law.

    I agree with Ceejie that you should keep a diary of all interactions with him and his family. That can be very useful. Also you should make sure that you do your best to show that you are being reasonable and not preventing him from seeing baby so put something in writing to say "I'm pleased that you want to be part of baby's life, I would like to arrange a visiting schedule from birth to allow you to get as much time as possible with baby around their sleeping and feeding schedule." Make sure that such visiting times are held when you have someone with you to supervise him and to witness his behaviour and these interactions should also go into your diary. Anything you put into writing make sure that you keep a photocopy as well and get someone you know who is a professional (like someone who would verify your passport picture so if you know a teacher, police officer etc) to sign and date that copy to show that they have witnessed it and if he doesn't take advantage of the opportunities you have given him then he will have to explain why. Obviously if he is ever drunk around baby then you can make things really tough for him to see baby but it is important to show yourself in as good a light as possible like you are taking the high ground in the situation.
     
  14. luckybreak

    luckybreak Well-Known Member

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    It sounds like he really does not care about the baby if he wanted you to abort twice, have a talk with him and say since we are not married you don't have to be on the birth certificate just walk away and let me have the baby I don't care for the support if you really don't that will freed him from pursuing this.

    Also you say he works 3 jobs...so when is he supposed to have the child? just handed to somebody else to watch the baby?

    Since you are not married only a DNA will show he is the father until that shows it he has no rights and if I were you I would not push it..heck I would start cutting communication right now with him..maybe he and his stupid sister in law will forget. It sounds like they want to take you out of the picture just to freed him from obligation and that is never a good thing for a child. Be strong and stop talking to him. Good luck :hugs:
     
  15. bumpbear

    bumpbear First time mama

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    Oh Lord! They sound like a bunch of morons. eurgh. Poor you having to deal with village bogtrotters.

    I doubt any judge in their right mind would grant 50/50 custody for a newborn. At best he'll get visitation (perhaps unsupervised) for a few hours one evening per week. Later on down the line, if he has managed to bond with the baby, or perhaps kept his interest that long, maybe he might get to have the baby every other weekend, but even that is a long shot if he has never resided with the baby on a routine basis before.

    It sounds like you had a lucky escape from this man. But contrary to some of the advice given here, I would keep communication channels with him open, because you dont want him to ever be able to allege the reason why he has not been able to bond with the baby is because you kept him away. That might make a judge see you as the unreasonable one. Having said that, what do I know anyway: I am speaking as a layperson and your best bet is probably to speak to a lawyer if he does ever get round to seeking formal custody arrangements.
     
  16. Wantingbbbump

    Wantingbbbump Airyonna is here 4/2/2012

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    I live in the US so I'm not sure of the laws there but where I live a unmarried woman can't list a father on the b/c unless a affidavit of paternity has been signed by the father. Like others have said that as long as that isn't in place or he isn't listed on the b/c he has no rights to baby and will have to take you to court for them. If he takes you to court he will have to pay for the paternity test and court costs. They won't care if he has asked you to abort but you could bring it up but the judge might think of that as a bratty move as he is there fighting for his child now. I don't believe they will give him 50/50 of the child. They know that men ask for this as a way to get out of child support. I agree you should breastfeed because as long as baby is feeding from you he will get very short visits and no over nights. Normally until 6 months and then he will get longer visits. 50/50 custody is given but it's very rare. I hope that things work out for you!!
     
  17. swalumni

    swalumni Mama of Two

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    Not sure if it helps at all, but my dd's father did the same when I was pg with her. He ended up changing his mind before ever pursuing it because he was:
    a) too lazy, and
    b) realized how much WORK a baby actually is.

    Also, it takes time to establish a visitation schedule in any court, as far as I'm aware, so I cant imagine that he will get access to baby the minute you deliver. Hope that helps! Good luck!
     
  18. NC_Sarah

    NC_Sarah Well-Known Member

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    Not to pry, but is this the first time he's mentioned arranged marraige? It seems like something he should have mentioned before you wasted 7 years with him
     
  19. sunshin3girl

    sunshin3girl Well-Known Member

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    I am not aware of the Canadian rules, but this guy sounds very wrong. He is 25, and he is letting his father tell you what he wants. He drinks every night. He has asked for abortion two times. All of this should work in your favor.

    Also, being an Indian myself, I strongly believe that 'letting family push you into an arranged marriage after a 7-year relationship' is just a sign of cowardliness. He cannot put the blame on culture or such. You should talk to the boy and figure out if he wants a 50/50 custody.
     
  20. roselady

    roselady Active Member

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    he has told me that he can marry who ever he wanted to marry and i believed him, I think he believed it himself, until this actually happend, and until he spoke to his father, he told me he would stay with me until yesterday when he emailed me instead of talking to me in person :( He told me in the email that its best not to talk or email or text until the baby is born then he wants DNA, The thing is apparently they want him to go to india in january to find a wife, he didn't want too, but apparently he has changed his mind after speaking with his father.


    :( I don't know if i should keep trying to speak to him? or if i should just ignore him and hope he forgets and gets caught up in his new life with his new wife :( i haven't spoken to him all day.
     

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