Need Advice ASAP, not entirely baby related and please dont be offended

[Mummy of Ange]

Girls, i really dont know where to start but need help before i breakdown. I will try not to waffle.

Been with my OH for 2 years, and as most of you know on Christmas Day i lost my twin boys at 23 weeks, and then a miscarriage last month. My OH has struggled to cope with loosing the twins and its affected him quite badly. Whenever something baby related is on the TV, he breaks down in tears. He regulary visits the cemetary and sits at their grave talking to them for hours. I have told him to seek help but he wont.


Obviously our loss has put a lot of strain on our relationship, our sex life went to nothing and he was really distant from me. A couple of weeks ago we went to Antigua for a week for a break, but he was still distant from me, i asked him why and his response is "i dont know what is wrong with me"

I decided to investigate further and check his emails because i knew something was wrong and i came across about 40 emails he has sent to different guys with pictures of him in my underwear!!! I know, shock horror, i felt sick.

I confronted him about it and he is devstated, said he is sick in the head and wants to do himself in. He swears he has never met any of them because he never had the bottle but doesnt know why he did this. He actually joined a gay website and got chatting to guys on there.

I have asked him is he gay or bi, he says he isnt and loves me so much, but says he is confused with the whole matter, and the thought of going near another man makes him sick.

I really dont know what to do about it. He stayed away last night because i was angry, but he is coming back tonight to chat.

Im a woman of the world, and willing to listen to what he has got to say, and if he says he is gay then he cant help his feelings, but he says he isnt.

Im just wondering what you ladies would do ?? xx

 

[Wendyk07]

Didnt want to read and run. I think your OH needs to speak to someone(a councellor). I cant imagine the pain you and your OH went through in December but i think its clear that you OH needs some help with the bereavment. It really sounds like a cry for help hun. Hopefully you will both be able to discuss how he is feeling when he comes back. I can also totally see how the chat room and the dress up made you mad, i know i would be but the dress up could be a comfort thing. If i were you i would try and encourage him to get some help.

(((((hugs)))))

 

[donna79]

You are both still grieving and it does affect everyone differently, this has obsviously had a major impact on both of you.
Is joining a gay website a chance to escape the pain and hurt he feels and pretend to be someone else?
You are right to be angry and upset.
Sit him down and get him to tell you everything no matter how bad it is, you need to know why he is acting like this.xxx

 

[Mummy of Ange]

Thanks girls. Im not a horrible person and im willing to support him. My main concern was he has cheated on me but he swears he hasnt. He said he feels dirty and horrible now about what he has done and ashamed.

Im going to speak to him tonight and see what he says x

 

[Futuremommy1]

Wow. I'm also of the mindset he should speak to someone. It helps. I've seen a therapist most of my adult life and most people are shocked. We all handle grief differently and it's great you are understanding. Have you tried Going to see a therapist yourself? And then suggesting he come in with you. My dh hates going. But he'll go if he thinks I need him there

 

[Mummy of Ange]

I dont feel i need one. It was destroying what happened to us but i feel that life goes on and you cant dwell over what has happened. He has suggested in the past seeing a grief counsellor, but never actually went through with it.

Will see what he says tonight, i cant even think straight x

 

[Futuremommy1]

I meant just seeing one in general. Or even now seeing one to deal with this not necessarily for your losses. I felt the same after my losses as well

 

[defobsess]

I'm so sorry for your loss and now this deception from your mate. I think he is confused and needs help BUT the loss of children has no bearing on ones sexuality, he is what he is regardless. Unfortunately you don't know what he identifies at this moment and I'm sorry but you can't trust what he says at this moment. I think you both need to seek counseling to get to the truth as well as heal. Again so sorry that you have to go through this trauma after such a tragic loss.

 

[Mummy of Ange]

Thanks everybody for your kind and understanding words. Im leaving work now to face the music. Im not going home to rant and rave but to sit and see what he has to say.

I dont believe grief affects your sexuality i believe you are what you are, i think its all just a massive shock xx

 

[Brookegarrett]

I'm so sorry for ur loss.. I hope things get worked out.. All u can do is talk to him and see where it goes I wish u tha best

 

[mom and ttc]

i am very sorry for your losses

wow, i am sorry to hear that. other then the other ladies i do not think the gay club has anything to do with the grieve about the babies.
i am sure he should see a counsler for his grieve and you should go to couples therapy and figure out how come he does it and if he is gay and just didnt wanna admit it or why he would do it if he isnt.
i am not a therapist but cant see a relation between this.
i hope you guys work this out, my personal opinion is that there is no different if he is sending "naked" pics to guys or girl, it is cheating and he should understand that.

good luck, keep us updated please. i hope you guys can talk!

 

[Mon_n_john]

Wow, you poor thing. Didn't want to read & run. I would have to agree with others here, I can't imagine how his grief could have persuaded him to join a gay website. I have a psychology degree and that does not sound like a typical coping mechanism. He sounds confused and could probably benefit from therapy right now. Try to support him in any way you can. You are a remarkable woman going through a remarkable situation. Hang in there.

 

[Mummy of Ange]

Well I spoke to him last night and he was a mess. He didn't really he any answers for me.

He says 150% he is not gay or bi and could not even watch gay porn it repulses him. I asked did he get off on their pictures he said no.

He has moved back to his dads for a few days to try and get his head straight but said he doesn't want to loose me. If he isn't gay I'm happy to stay with him and stand by him if he seeks help. My only worry is can I trust him.

He said he would never have met these guys but suppose I will never know.

Thanks for all your advice xx

 

[Mon_n_john]

I could be wrong but it sounds like he is afraid to admit he may feel confused, which of course is normal in this kind of situation. I feel something drove him to seek that kind of outlet and it's important to get to what that reason was.

The problem is that he probably has no idea why he did what he did and he's probably even more confused than you are right now. Would it be possible to find a counselor in your area that has experience with these types of issues? I would recommend finding one and going in by yourself at first and that counselor can help guide you in your next steps. I'm sure your OH is in a delicate stage right now and it's important to be careful and sensitive in how this is approached.

It sounds like you are being very empathetic and strong. You sound like a lovely person and I wish you nothing but the best.

 

[mrsmax]

I'm so sorry hon - what a nasty shock after what you have already been through. I agree with everyone else - it would really help to get some counselling. His feelings need to be explored and be out in the open. You want to be really solid before conceiving again and talking everything through will give you both some answers and hopefuly some comfort.

 

[NorthStar]

Hi Mummy of Ange, my heart really went out to you reading your post, your first priority here has been your partner, but in my mind you need to look after yourself, and deserve better than partner who is so conflicted about their sexuality, he cannot hang on to you and leave you in limbo whilst he explores this side of his sexuality.

 

[Mummy of Ange]

He is home at the moment and still told me is he not gay at all. Worrying thing is, i did a pregnancy test this morning (6 weeks since chemical and still no AF) and there was a very very slight line.

I love him with all my heart but im worried to death he is going to hurt me again and i dont know how to trust him.

I just dont know how a man can be 100% straight yet do that, but he swears on the babies graves, he has no interest in men.

xx

 

[MermaidMom]

He is home at the moment and still told me is he not gay at all. Worrying thing is, i did a pregnancy test this morning (6 weeks since chemical and still no AF) and there was a very very slight line.

I love him with all my heart but im worried to death he is going to hurt me again and i dont know how to trust him.

I just dont know how a man can be 100% straight yet do that, but he swears on the babies graves, he has no interest in men.

xx

Losing a child or children is devastating and can really mess someone up. Is it a possibility that he reached out to a gay community in an attempt to protect himself from gettign hurt like that again? gay men dont have to worry about pregnancy or miscarriage. im not trying to excuse him... maybe just offer up a possible topic of discussion? i hope he does not hurt you again, and i hope you guys dont have to miscarry again either.

 

[Mummy of Ange]

He is going to the doctors today and going to explain everything. Told him that i dont want him coming home telling me he couldnt tell him the truth. He said he is too ashamed.

I offered to go with him but he said he is best on his own. Hopefully the doctors will give him some answers.

Deep down i dont want to loose him, we have been through so much together, but i know its going to take a lot of work from both parties for us to get through this x

 

[Mon_n_john]

So glad to hear that you two are on the path to healing. He will feel better once he talks about it. I'm sure he's really confused but talking it out should help him sort through his feelings.