Need guidance...input...reassurance please

[Johnnysmum]

Hi ladies.
I've been here before when in was expecting my first child. A lot has changed since and I need some guidance.
Here's my story.
Without getting in-depth about my past...I have a 2 year old son with my ex...who was also extremely abusive towards us both. I escaped in March 2014.
I met an amazing guy about a year after and as my son has a no contact order with my ex...as he was a victim to abuse...my new man has more than taken over the dad role for my son.
Because my son was a victim to abuse...I have always felt like it was all my fault. I feel like I didn't do enough and to this day I don't believe I did. I was trying to hard to make it work that I should have left and didn't. I feel I put him second...I feel like a terrible mother.
Well tonight I found out we are expecting. Not planned...At first I was excited. Now I don't know how to feel. I feel like I haven't had enough time to live my son...just my son. And I feel like what if I don't love the new baby as much as my son?
These are horrible thoughts. I know. Please don't judge. I do think I suffer from PTSD and depression. Sometimes I'm ok. Others...I know I'm not. I just can't help feeling like...shit. I wish I could get back the last two years. I feel like I've lost them. I'd do anything to go back.
I guests I just need some reassurance. Maybe from women in my position or who have felt this way at some point. I literally choke back tears when I think about not being able to give my son 100% of my attention anymore. And what if it doesn't work out with this guy?? I'm so lost...

 

[lovemybubba]

Hi, big hugs Hun.
You need to see it from another point of view. Mothers have enough love in their hearts to share it equally. If you're worried about not spending enough time with your son, then you need to make a conscious effort to do more. So maybe once a week or so when the baby is born, you have a mummy and son day, where you do something with your son without the baby, just you and him. A trip to the park, little things.
Your son will most probably love having a little brother and sister because it means he'll have someone to play with.
I have a 3 year old boy and I see how bored he gets without other children around.

Also get your son involved with the baby, ask him to help you change a nappy, feed the baby etc, he'll love it.

It's normal to have these worries, I felt the same about a year ago. I think it's because at 2, they're still quite dependent on you and little, trust me, once your son hits 3 you'll notice that he will want to start doing more for himself etc.
Don't be so hard on yourself about the past. Maybe you could of done more, maybe you couldn't of. The past is the past for a reason. Just use to to learn for the future and not to torment yourself.
X

 

[Misscalais]

Big hugs.
You taking your child out of that situation makes you a good mum, not a horrible one
My 1st son was only 14 months when little brother arrived. I still spent as much time with him as i did before DS2 arrived.
You're in a good place now with a loving OH, sounds lile everything will be fine.

 

[LaughOutLoud]

I think you stayed because you wanted your son to have a Father? It's not easy leaving an abusive relationship, also if it involves emotional abuse? It's also harder when you have a little one because its difficult to know where to go unleSs you have family and friends. That said you finally dis the right thing and got out so well done. As mothers we always feel guilty for things we did/didn't do for our children. I have guilt over stuff and that my child's life could have been better(didn't involve abuse but it it's still guilt). I made choices, had to fight for it and flourished my daughter with everything i wanted to do and make things right. You can still do that. You are giving a sibling which is the greatest gift you can give. Talk to him about it, about being a big brother. You will love both your children but there will always be that special spot for your son because of what you both went through. Be determined to not let the past shAdow your happiness. I hope I haven't offended you in anyway and maybe what I've said are presumptions but I wish you all the best. Enjoy your family x

 

[hellojello25]

Don't forget that you are a victim too! Both you and your son are victims and you got away from him, that's all that matters. You're a great mom for that, not a bad one. No one would ever judge you badly for that and if they do, they are not good people. But you are. Don't let anyone bring you down for that.

Now with regards to your second child, I think your son will be happy to have a sibling. I have a younger brother and anytime I try to imagine my life without him, it feels very lonely. He and I are best friends and I'm actually the first person in my family he came out to. I never felt unloved by my parents because he was around, or that he got more attention than me. My nephew was just born about a year ago and my niece is still over the moon about him. She never feels unloved or anything like that.

And if for some reason it doesn't work out with your boyfriend, then you already know he'll still be a great dad because he's already that for your son. I'm in kind of the same boat in this situation. I'm not married or even engaged and my boyfriend and I are expecting. And he's been with me every step of the way and supported me when I was crying over stupid things, or needed something at 2 am because I was starving. So try and think positive hun. Being married is never a guarantee either. So try to be happy and not think about the bad stuff, which is easier said than done.

 

[Johnnysmum]

Thank you all for your kind words. Of does help. I think I'm still just a little shocked.
I doubt myself a lot...which I know is an after effect from the violence.
I have 4 sisters so I know what its like to have them around. I couldn't imagine life without them and I'd be absolutely heart broken if anything ever happened to one of them.
Reason I didn't leave sooner...my ex has a now 7 year old son who he used to beat the ever living crap out of. I was afraid if I left and left him behind...my ex would kill him. I stayed until I could leave safely with both boys.
It's just starting to sink in and there are so many thoughts and doubts in my mind. Christ things were so much easier before him. I took my happy.. Easier life before him for granted for sure.

 

[DobbyForever]

This is coming from the child's perspective:

My biological father was raised in a bi-polar family, and my grandfather encouraged him to "put his wife in her place". He was very abusive to my mom because it was all he knew. When my mom was pregnant with me, my dad had my mom pinned to the ground with a gun to her head. She ended up grabbing my 3 year old brother and jumping out of the window to get away. She put my dad in jail, and I was born month early in a battered women's shelter. Because my mom did what she did, she ensured our safety. My dad got therapy, and he became the best dad and husband ever. He died saving another man's life when I was 5.

How does this relate to you:
You say you didn't do enough to protect him, but you did. At the end of the day, the world is full of evil and malice. You can't protect your children from everything. I've been in abusive relationships, ones where I was the emotional abuser and ones where I was emotionally (and occasionally sexually and physically) abused. Whether you walked away at the first sign or years into it, you walked away. You escaped and you saved your son. You protected him. That is what matters. You found someone who is good and kind and a true man to be a role model to your son. You did enough. You're a good mom because you feel like that isn't enough. Because you want the world for your son. Ease up on yourself.

As for your new children:
My mom was done having kids after me. She had her son and her daughter, and she was scared having children with my stepdad would cause problems because how could he love us the way she did. My mom also thought she couldn't love more children after us. Well, how wrong is she. She loves my little brothers (twins) more than life. And guess what? It did not subtract from her love for my older brother and myself. She loves us all for the things that make each of us unique.

As for my relationship with my brothers, keep in mind I am 9 years older but I love my brothers. Yes, brothers. Call them my half brothers and hell will break loose. I am so glad my mom had them. Even if I wasn't sick, I would have called out sick today to go to my brother's homecoming parade since he is on court. I love them so, SO much.

As for my relationship with my stepdad, he's a great dad and in his own way I am sure he loves me. I appreciate him, but I don't love him. He's been in my life since I was 5 going on 6. I never loved him because it was very apparent to me growing up that he loved my brothers in a way very different from the way he claimed to love my older brother and myself. The way he treats his children from his previous marriage and my younger brothers compared to my older brother and myself... we have an inside joke in the family that it's because we're stepchildren but it's really not a joke. It's true. I accept what it is, just like he accepts I don't love him the way I love my dad. This might not be the case with your man, but just my experience.

So the point:
You are a great mom. You will love this child in a different but equal way than you love your son. Your son will love having a sibling. Your family will be connected and strong and happy. Congrats

 

[Katie_A]

It is absolutely NOT your fault. You got out, which is SO SO hard to do. Most women in abusive relationships take years, and try many many times, before they are able to leave for good. What incredible courage it must have taken for you to leave! What an amazing mother you are to your son for taking him away from that situation, keeping him safe, and loving him as much as you clearly do.

It does sound like you're really struggling with the aftermath of trauma, and I'm sure you do suffer from PTSD which is very painful and challenging. I strongly encourage you to look into counselling, as symptoms of trauma need treating. Just like physical injuries, if we leave our psychological injuries untreated they will only get worse with time.

I'm sure you will continue to be a wonderful mother to your son and any other children you choose to bring into the world now or in the future. I hope you are able to find some support in your life.

You might consider calling Backline -- they are a really good support line for people struggling with pregnancies and parenting: https://yourbackline.org/find-support/talkline/