Neighbour boy played "doctor" on my daughter!

[CeliaM]

So we had a situation here today.

My son who's 5 often plays with the boy next door who's 7. He's a bit unruly, and tries to get my kids to be sneaky and get away with stuff, but generally not a bad kid. He has no siblings, so he's here a lot to play.

Anyways, today he, my daughter who just turned 3, and my son were playing in his room. Usually there is quite a bit of squabbling, as they will often play games trying to exclude my daughter. The lack of noise made me wonder what was going on in there, so I went in, and my daughter was dressed a bit off, with her skirt tucked into her tights. I could smell that her underwear had been off (she's had a yeast infection and doesn't smell so sweet down there!) Shocked, I asked what was going on. The neighbour boy grinned and hid his face, so I asked my daugher. "Looking at bums", she said. I tried to get more out of her but she wouldn't say other than he was seeing if she was going to have a baby.

So I took my son aside and asked him. He told me that the neighbour boy was looking at Elsha's pee-pee and giving her "shots" there and her bum with their toy needle from their play doctor set. Shocked, I took all 3 kids outside and called my husband and the neighbour's father over to help me deal with the situation. My son explained again, saying that they were looking for babies, as the neighbour boy grinned. His dad asked him if he was smiling because he'd told my son not to tell, which I believe was correct. He knew he was doing wrong and tried to get my kids to keep it secret. Seeing as my kids think babies come out of belly buttons, I know that this was his doing.

What would your thoughts be about this? We of course had talks with all 3 about what parts cannot be shown to people other than parents and real doctors, and my kids seem unscathed by the episode. I'm quite sure the neighbours dad will give him a good talking to tonight about it as well. Do you think this is just normal behaviour from a 7yr old who's never been around sibling nudity and is just curious?

 

[sleepinbeauty]

Don't leave them behind closed doors. This is how huge problems begin.

I've seen "doctor" banned in a few homes. It wasn't allowed at the daycare I worked at either.

 

[ampersandme]

My friend once told me a story about when she was little and at a friends house and they played doctor and her friend, who was another female, made her lie on her back and opened her vagina up with fiddle sticks and made my friends little brother pull his pants down.. (sorry if tmi/too graphic).

I think these kind of games are quite common, but I don't think they are right. Children need to explore their curiosity in healthier ways...

Maybe explain to your children its not ok to make someone take of your clothes or touch you in those places/or make you do anything you don't want to. Explain that some places on your body are private and if anyone ever asks to touch those parts to tell mummy or daddy straight away! And if they ever have questions about their private parts or anything else to ask you...

I myself dont ever remember playing doctor games that went beyond listening to heart beats or pretending to have a tropical diseases or pretending to have babies.... Although growing up I had a brother and a sister and we ran around our backyard naked alot, so the naked body wasnt shocking or interesting to me. It was just there. Is the neighbour an only child? Perhaps he is curious about how girls look or has been too deeply educated on where babies come from and is overly curious.

 

[cupcake]

I remember doing this when I was little too, I think its natural and that kids know its naughty , you are right to stop it and the kids learn the boundaries, I don't think its anything more than that. The kids were laughing cos they know its rude, obviously they would tell each other not to tell because they know its wrong and they are not allowed.
Just make sure they know its a game they are not allowed to play and thats it, you could say we can play doctor on dolls or stuffed animals only but not on people.

 

[lozzy21]

Sorry but i dont think that is normal for a boy of 7. Its usaly 3 or 4 that they want to know about the differance in boys and girls. He obviouly knows about sex and how babys are made so its not as innocent as some people may think.

 

[Wombat]

Sorry but i dont think that is normal for a boy of 7. Its usaly 3 or 4 that they want to know about the differance in boys and girls. He obviouly knows about sex and how babys are made so its not as innocent as some people may think.

That is what I think... If it came out of a 4 year old is one thing. But 7 is a bit off...

 

[Whisper]

Very dodgy grounds i agree with the others. I knew at 7 years old about where babies come from and things that adults did with one another, so unless he is completely naive (by the giggling and hiding his face i would guess not) i think he knew perfectly well what he was doing with your daughter, she is too young to know what is right or wrong but i believe he completely took advantage of her.

I do believe you handled it very well, lets just hope his father tells him how wrong he was to behave that way.

I would probably make sure he is not left alone with your daughter though, even with her brother around, curiousity just from one things leads onto another. I know it sounds a bit OTT but i would rather that than something happen (my personal opinion)

 

[ChloesMummy]

My eldest daughter is 3 and just the thought of a 7yr old doing that to her turns my stomach. I think you handled the situation as best you could (better than me), but under no circumstances would I allow your little girl to play with them again. I would not be encouraging the friendship between your son and the boy either, I would think a 7yr olds know better especially by the way he was laughing and hiding. x

 

[CeliaM]

The age difference was my biggest concern. He's just turned 7, and I would certainly think that this type of behaviour would end maybe at 5 at the latest. On the other hand, I've seen signs from him that he's not seen much nakedness, as he is an only child. He's seemed surprised and giggled when he's seen my son naked as well. So I'm not sure that it extends beyond curiousity.

I have given them all the talk about privacy - don't show others parts that your bathing suits cover. And definately they won't be allowed anywhere together where they're not in my direct sight. Despite that I'm upset about what he did, I think it might be too harsh to not allow him over anymore. If it was simple curiosity, he needs to be taught the boundries, but not shamed as that could lead to an unhealthy infactuation perhaps? I don't know. Regardless, I'll be watching very closely when he's over!

 

[apple_20]

i think at the age of seven this child should know better (as a student teacher i have met many seven year olds) even if it is curiosity it doesnt make it okay. I think you handled it well and it's not over reacting not wanting the boy on his own with your daughter. as a mother it's up to you and I'm sure as his parents already know they wouldnt blame you for keeping an eye on him.
x

 

[Rachiebaby24]

It wouldnt stop me from allowing the boy over to play, but would make me uneasy enough not to let him out of my sight.

 

[Minstermind]

Wow, what a controversial subject as there are so many ways to look at it...innocent curiosity versus over the line behavior. Especially at such young ages, even for the 7 year old. It's hard to really know if he was inwardly doing something he knew was very very wrong versus doing something based on the same kind of ''energy'' that leads kids to moon eachother or someone in general and have a giggle out of ''seeing their butts''. There are other levels at work here, too....one of them is to help children, through our reactions, to not shame the body or natural curiosity. However, on the other side, there is protection of our children and drawing boundaries that prevent them from getting into situations where either themselves or someone else gets taken advantage of in a bad way.

I personally would opt, like the others have suggested, with not allowing them to play unsupervised in the future now that you know this boy is (hopefully) going through this phase. Also, it will help put a lid on the other host of behaviors he is engaged in, like getting them to lie or be sneaky about things. If they are being supervised, then the chances diminish significantly that he can get away with it. This may also help prevent those bad behaviors to get rubbed off on your own children, who could easily learn from him and start doing the same things whether he's around or not, ya know?

I've had a similar situation with the neighbors two doors down. There were two boys around my son's age and they played, and do play, together, quite often. They're good buddies now and everything is going well between them. But last summer I had been allowing them to play upstairs on their own (my first child and not been around many children, so been learning as I go), and I overheard them playing ''sex'' with the stuffed animals. I made sure I did not overreact but you can imagine I was very shocked and curious just what ''sex'' meant to them. I know it was the older of the neighbor boys who brought that game to the table, and so I asked in such a way that they didn't feel threatened, and it came out that ''sex'' meant taking their clothes off and kissing eachother. Innocent enough of an understanding but obviously I didn't want to further this game any more. I found out the older boy heard about ''sex'' from the 13 year old boy across the road, and of course through school and whatever other influences, I think kids start to understand ''sex'' equals something kinda secret or naughty, even though they may not fully understand. ''Secret and naughty'' to an innocent child can seem like a lot of fun, I suppose.

Anyway, I gave some thought to how I would handle it, starting of course with more direct supervision/spying on their play, but also sat down with them and explained that while there was nothing wrong with sex itself, it was something meant for grownups and not a game for children to play, and said I wanted them to choose other games instead. I tried to say it in a kind, matter of fact way, without sounding punishing or anything. I'm grateful the approach worked as they moved on to other things. I did have to remind them a few times when I listened in on them trying to be sneaky about it. The energy behind it was really very innocent, but in the end, it's really something that's best dealt with by supervising their play, and this can ensure no one is getting violated or things don't go beyond ''innocent curiosity''.

I wish you the best with your situation.