Not sure where to post - help and advice please :(

[avgabcon5]

Hello everyone
I wasn't really sure where to post this but as I'm 37 the over 35 postings seemed appropiate enough!
My story in brief - I had a missed miscarriage in June of this year. It was a planned for baby and it was devastating to find out what I thought was my 13th week to be told there was am empty sac. So it had happened very early on. I knew something didn't add up as I had such strong pregnancy symptoms and had a huge bump. Anyway, 3 weeks later I found out I'd had a partial molar pregnancy (quite rare). This meant I couldn't try again for at least 6 months and have been having fortnightly tests to make sure my HCG levels are falling and staying down (complicated to explain about molars but bascically cyst like cells growing which if don't go can turn into a cancerous type thing). Anyway, so this has all been really hard and the only thing keeping me sane is the long countdown to trying again. My husband and I have been taking prenatal vitamins etc. Well, the other night my husband told me, completely out the blue and very matter of fact that he didn't want any more children. (we have 3 but have ALWAYS agreed on 4). I couldn't believe it and he just said 'I've said no' and expected that to be the end, no discussion, we just carry on as normal. Anyway, what followed was a week of fierce rows and now I feel really betrayed - it was truly the worst thing he could have said to me. He has since apologised for the way he said it (he isn't very good with 'emotions') but is still adamant. I don't kbow what to do. Two weeks ago I was getting excited that the last 6 months would soon be over and we could put it all behind us. My due date is in about 4 weeks so I think his timing was awful. I don't see how he let me get so far to tell me.Any advice would be great - I don't have a choice if he is adamant - there is no compromise. I just don't think I can truly forgive him and I don't know what to do.
Thanks for reading
E x

 

[oldmamamia]

hi E, so sorry to hear about your sad loss and problems with hubby, i havnt really got any advice im afraid just wanted to send a hug.
i had a m.c at 8wks last march which they let me lose naturally, no d and c and i had 3wks of pain , bleeding and numerous trips to hospital and i know it really affected my hubby ( i have 2 children from my 1st marriage but this was our 1st together) i was the one in tears all the time and the person who got the calls, flowers and sympathy from friends and i think people forgot that he was hurting too and he's lost his baby also. Initally he said thats it, i cant watch you go through that again i dont want to try again, lets be happy with what weve got, if i tried to talk to him it was like hitting a brick wall he just didnt want to know but as the months went by he softened and we started talking about babies again, we didnt make a plan to try i just stopped taking my contraceptive and about 4mths later i was pregnant, i knew within days but was too scared to tell him at 1st, i took a test every couple of days and it took me a couple of weeks to tell him and he was scared but over the moon, every week that passed and baby stayed put we relaxed more and more and this pregnancy turned out fine.
really hope your hubby may change his mind you need to try and keep talking, if hes saying no for definate then he needs to be able to tell you exactly why, sorry im not trying to be a marriage counceller! hope things get better for you xx

 

[avgabcon5]

Thanks oldmamamia
It's a really difficult one - my last pregnancy (before the m/c) was worrying and complicated - I bled heavily from 20 weeks and was in hospital until our son was born at 27 weeks and he was in hospital for 12 weeks so i think part of it is that he is worried about that happening again although all the consultants have said there is absolutely no reason why it would happen again - we were just unlucky (as with the molar pregnancy in June). And it was worth it to have out gorgeous son.But also the other day, our youngest 2 were crying once they'd gone to bed and he said all frustrated 'Now you see why i don't want anymore'.
To me, the time of sleepless nights is such an insignificant part of a child's life and it's soon over and I just can't imagine the future being different to we planned it and how I've imagined it. We've just put our house on the market (before he told me) to look for a 5 bedroomed one, we bought a 7 seater car earlier this year (before the m/c).
I think I'm going to try not mention it for a couple of months (get xmas and my due date out the way) and then approach him again gently.
To me, the balance of who would be the unhappiest not getting the outcome they want, is an importnat factor too. We'll see but thanks very much for your reply - I appreciate it x

 

[oldmamamia]

sorry i wasnt very helpful, think youve both had a really tough time lately, having your little boy so early and him spending all that time in hospital must have been such a worry and emotional time and then your m.c in june, maybe he just needs more time although i know for us girls time isnt always on our side, we all have stressful days with the kids, ive had a few moments of what was i doing having another baby but im sure he didnt mean it when he snapped. I cant imagine having your dreams and plans taken away from you and im sure you are really upset and feeling resentful towards him right now, like you say maybe let it drop for now, enjoy your other 3 and broach the subject in the new year, hopefully he'll come round xx

 

[Sunshine12]

Im so sorry for your loss. I cant imagine what you must have gone through. Im also sorry to hear that your husband doesnt want any more children. I wonder if he has waited so long to tell you because he wasnt sure how to and now that time to try again is drawing nearer he is maybe panicking about how to tell you which is why he blurted it out and maybe couldnt tell you before because he felt it was too soon after your miscarriage to put you through the stress of knowing. I guess there isnt really anything you can do if he doesnt change his mind as it has to be something you both want and Im sure you wouldnt want him just going along with it because you do if his heart isnt in it. That would probably cause even more arguments in the long run. I hope he changes his mind hun but I think he has to have as much say in the decision as you do. Hugs. x

 

[Claireyb1]

 

[avgabcon5]

Just to give you all a quick update - my husband has had a change of heart again and as from Christmas we are TTC again! I am so, so relieved. I don't know what made him say what he did in the first place but I think it was a last minute panic/worry/blip...... I'm not asking him too much about it, just being happy that we are now trying again! Thanks for all your support and kind messages -i really needed them at the time xx

 

[Sunshine12]

Thats fab news! Hope you get your BFP soon!!! x

 

[BeachComber]

That is really wonderful news and I will be praying that you get a sticky BFP very soon! Please keep us posted on how you are doing!

 

[Junebug_CJ]

Awwww wonderful news hun, hoping for that soon for you!