Nursery had a 'word' with me today :-(

[Blondie2008]

God i feel terrible this evening! When i went to collect Beth from Creche tonight they took me aside and had a chat about her behaviour. Apparently she has been hitting the other children and pulling hair etc also she was grabbing toys and saying 'mine' because she didnt want to share.

I feel like a really bad parent!! They want us to try some sort of discipline method with her that they do in the creche.

I came out of there vowing to give up work and keep her home with me. lol. Not really an option but thats how it made me feel.

Anyone else had experience of this??

 

[DaisyBee]

As a daycare provider I can assure you that you ARE NOT A BAD PARENT!!! A lot of kids go through this kind of thing at that age. Its a tough age - they cant express what they want - esp in the heat of the moment - so they hit, bite, or pull hair,etc. Its how they are trying to express their feelings. Kids at this age have a really hard time sharing toys. I've spent ages w/ kids talking about and showing/teaching about taking turns & how does it make so & so feel when you hit them, etc.

What kind of discipline are they talking about? Most kids at this age need guidance and help to share and shown other ways of dealing w/ the anger and confusion that they have. They need to learn the tools so that the hitting, etc arent what they turn to. Are they trying to teach these communcation skills? It is easier for them to deal w/ this problem there if this is the only place she is doing these things. If she is an only child and never deals w/ this at home it is hard for you to really teach her about sharing - it needs to be right when she's trying to take a toy or unwilling to take turns.

 

[smelly07]

i totally agree with daisybee, i work with chidren and I actually cant believe they have spoke to you about a 19 months old 'bad' behaviour! You are not a bad parent at all. children in general dont grasp the concept of sharing until they are a lot older and they also do not have the verbal ability to communicate hence the pulling hair,pushing hitting, biting, shouting, crying screaming etc
shame on them for making you feel bad x

 

[duffers]

As said by the ladies above. Surely toddlers lack the cognitive reasoning skills to understand sharing. The whole world belongs to them!

 

[Blondie2008]

Thanks guys.

They are saying that when she hits out the best thing to do is ignore her for a while and then go back and talk to her about what she's done. They adopt a 'kind hands' approach in the creche. They ask the child to show their kind hands and say that these hands dont hurt or push anyone etc. I have to be honest and say that i was a bit confused about it all. Might have to ask them to clarify.

Just disappointed that it happened at all xx

 

[Mum2b_Claire]

That sounds odd to me. Surely people running a creche would know that you can't expect a 19 month old to share. That they would actually have a word with you about her 'behaviour' is mad.

Sounds like she is just doing normal, age appropriate, toddler things...

 

[Phantom]

That sounds odd to me. Surely people running a creche would know that you can't expect a 19 month old to share. That they would actually have a word with you about her 'behaviour' is mad.

Sounds like she is just doing normal, age appropriate, toddler things...

Better to nip it in the butt before it gets out of hand, though. Pulling hair and hitting isn't "appropriate" and it sounds like they are doing their jobs well.

 

[Mum2b_Claire]

That sounds odd to me. Surely people running a creche would know that you can't expect a 19 month old to share. That they would actually have a word with you about her 'behaviour' is mad.

Sounds like she is just doing normal, age appropriate, toddler things...

Better to nip it in the butt before it gets out of hand, though. Pulling hair and hitting isn't "appropriate" and it sounds like they are doing their jobs well.

I said 'age appropriate' not appropriate. Different.

 

[coccyx]

Well as a parent i would want to know if my child was hitting and pulling hair. She may be getting frustrated but also needs to know that behaviour is unacceptable. They are hoping you will support them in the way they deal with it. Whats wrong with that?
No, a 2 year old may not have the skills to deal with concept of sharing but not all kids react in such a violent manner

 

[Blondie2008]

Yeah i have to agree here. I told them that i was glad that they had come to me and told me. I guess it shows that they really care!!
We will work with them to try and sort out the situation. Thanks for your responses everyone xxx

 

[smelly07]

That sounds odd to me. Surely people running a creche would know that you can't expect a 19 month old to share. That they would actually have a word with you about her 'behaviour' is mad.

Sounds like she is just doing normal, age appropriate, toddler things...

Better to nip it in the butt before it gets out of hand, though. Pulling hair and hitting isn't "appropriate" and it sounds like they are doing their jobs well.

I said 'age appropriate' not appropriate. Different.

I agree with mum2be_claire. Its age appropriate behaviour!
There is no need to 'nip it in the bud' as she gets older the more she will understand and communicate and therefore the behaviour will usually stop.
Not all children act that way thats because all children are different and for someone to state that this child is behaving in a 'violent manner' made me laugh you will be giving her an asbo next.

Yes parents should be told but reassured that this is normal age appropriate behaviour.

 

[rosie272]

Well, I'm going through it right now with Charlie - and the rest of the nursery class it seems! One day he's bitten someone, next day he's been bitten or scratched! It's a nightmare My key worker gently exlplained to me that it IS age appropriate behaviour, and unfortunately something that is very common. I felt the way you do OP, chucking my job and spending my days with Charlie (this wouldn't benefit either of us realistically).
My nursery's policy is to remove the child from the situation for a few minutes and sit with another staff member with no toys, tell them it's 'not nice' and wait until things have calmed down then they go back to play again!
It is an awful feeling, but I agree they are learning (hopefuly) that this behaviour is wrong - it's just going to take a while to sink in to our toddlers!! You're not a bad parent in any way

 

[kellyharrison]

Our childminder pulled me aside the other day to tell me another child has started regularly hitting and pushing my daughter. I was obviously a bit taken a back and was thinking of my poor kiddy being upset , but after some thought, realise that all of these social experiences are all good in the long run, and my childminder has spoken to the childs mom and they have arranged an approach to discipline.

 

[Abz1982]

Emma seems to be at this stage, but we try to teach her to be 'nice' and she does have 'nice hands' and if you ask her what nice is she will come up and stroke you with the back of her hands and say 'nize'. It seems to be working and she knows what people/things she needs to be nice with - like babies and other humans and animals.

She does still act out violently though when she gets frustrated, as well, she doesnt know any other outlet for it yet as she doesnt understand HOW to express it. When she talks properly and can explain then I can get her to explain to me why she is upset. But she does understand if you are trying to calm her down, but I have always worked on the assumption that they have to learn by doing, and so she needs to learn that if is not nice to act out and that she will suffer - either through lack of cuddles or by removal of bunny. Hopefully soon though she will stop slapping herself when she is frustrated.

 

[charlotteb24]

It is age appropriate behaviour wheter its good or bad behaviour is irrelivant, every child goes through a stage of thinking that the world belongs to them, how long it lasts depends on how it is dealt with. Making a child aware that it is wrong to do what they have done isn't always easy! my son went to kiss a baby on the head when he was 18 months old and as he pulled away dragged his teeth along the babies scalp, i was mortified and told him off and they mother was fuming and insisted he said sorry, he couldn't say the word sorry he was too young! but I tried to show him that the baby was crying and it wasn't nice!

They were right to tell you it had happened and i would say that there isnt much they can do to discipline her at 19 months other than to say it makes people sad when you snatch or bite and it makes me happy when you take turns and to remove her from a stiuation when they see shes angry of fustrated to calm down to prevent her biting or hitting.

 

[Cattia]

that must have been a horrible experience!
I think it is good that they told you how they're dealing with it though, because that way you can be consistent with her, if you see her doing it to other children when you are with her at a group or something, then you can use the same methods that they use so that she gets a consistent message, or if you would rather use a different method, then talk to the nursery about it and see if they will agree to do things your way so that she's getting the same treatment from everyone. We have not had this with Abigail yet, but I anticipate she'll be going through this stage just when the new baby arrives

 

[redpoppy]

I am currently reading so many parenting books and have to agree with many others that although it is sort of good they told you it is however TOTALLY age appropriate behaviour plus other than some forms of encouraging discipline there won't be much you can do. Positive reinforcement may work or simple distraction and maybe you can discuss methods with the nursery but it is most definitely not a reflection on you as a parent and any parent thinks so is in my opinion delusional.

I have quite a good memory of my childhood and remember being about three and going to nursery and feeling very hurt that a girl I was trying to play with wouldn't do as I was demanding she do this made me so miserable along with I'm sure some other things that I ran away from nursery!!! It isn't the same as hitting but a child at that age has no concept of reason or different points of view. Their sense of right or wrong is based on impulse and emotion. That will change when it is time to.

I hope you figure something out and don't feel bad.

 

[Mum2b_Claire]

You know, a little boy kept hitting Ruby at toddler group yesterday, his mum was mortified and kept apologising which was nice but unnecessary, it's not like he's doing it spitefully, as redpoppy says, they're acting on impulses and they aren't able to control them yet.

 

[_Vicky_]

oh god thats ridiculous!!! Fynns best game atm is 'hitting and biting brother' Sam bless him just strokes him back. xxx big hugs hun xx