OH is a @#!@$%... so angry!!!

[Sparkes]

I hope you won't be offended cause I am totally on your side but... Do you honestly think he will change? Why should he?

Exactly, if he thinks he can get away with it- he's not going to change.

 

[Amygdala]

I agree with others, it sounds like you need to leave for a while and find out what you want for yourself and your boys. You don't even need to leave in anger if you're not up for more confrontation. Just arrange to visit family or friend's for a week or two (so you have enough time to really think about your situation). Best of luck!

 

[MummytoSummer]

I don't know. I don't even know if I'm confusing love with something else

I think sometimes if you've been with someone a long time (I'm not sure how long you've been with your oh), you just become so used to the relationship and the companionship that you might not even realise you're no longer in love.

It can kind of just become habit to be with them and then it's the fear of the unknown, of being alone again that keeps you in the relationship.

I've had it happen to me with an ex, I was just so used to being with him, and couldn't imagine leaving. It wasn't until a friend asked me if I actually loved him anymore that I took a step back and realised I didn't. I cared for him obviously as we'd been together a while, but it hit me then that no, I wasn't in love with him. Once I'd had that realisation I had to leave, I arranged to move back with my parents and left straight away.

It was so hard and something I never thought I'd have the strength to do but I did.

My advice is to really try to take some time out to evaluate all aspects of your relationship, from the physical side, to friendship, what he brings to the relationship, and if it helps draw up a pros and cons list of staying/leaving etc. if you find that you're beginning to think you and your boys would be better off on your own then gain the support of your family and friends and do what you need to do to leave. If however you think the relationship is worth saving and fighting for then you need to set some rules, he needs help for his anger whether it's down to some sort of depression or simply that he has anger issues, either way it needs addressing before he does any psychological damage to your sons. If he refuses to get help or jointly go to counselling etc then leave, no arguments. You have to be strong on that, your boys deserve more and if he isn't willing to try then he isn't fit to be their dad right now. Sometimes tough love is the only thing left to try.

Good luck hun and

X

 

[erikab922]

I am totally late to this conversation and probably can't add much to it, but I just wanted to say that I'm looking at the avatar of you and your little boy and he is so lovely and I just want to pick him up and give him a big hug (and you too!).

 

[pinklightbulb]

I don't know if he will change. He wasn't like this to start with. I always knew he had a temper but things were never bad, he treated me like gold. When we moved across the country back to my home state, things started to change a bit. And then Eamon was born and he started getting to be how he is now.

He doesn't trust me at all. Once we had Eamon I was the enemy because I have more power than him in regards to everything and by his own admission he can't stand that. He hates not havig control and he knows legally I can kick his ass over the boys.

Why is he so afraid of that fact... because he has had no access to his first boy for nearly six years now. He spent thousands taking MOB to court for access and ran out of money in the end. Now this will sound like I'm making excuses-- but MOB is not a nice woman. I used to be her very best friend, so I know she had no intentions of letting OH see their son. She just used him for sperm and child support.

So this turned him bitter about access and the like forever. He will never trust me, but I didn't know that till after Eamon It makes me so upset... he doesn't trust me with my own kids and their best interests.

 

[pinklightbulb]

I am totally late to this conversation and probably can't add much to it, but I just wanted to say that I'm looking at the avatar of you and your little boy and he is so lovely and I just want to pick him up and give him a big hug (and you too!).

Thank you hun I need all the hugs I can get.

 

[chasemanzmum]

Sounds like a case of the "I need to be in charge and if you don't like it then suffer". Seriously for your sake talk to a couselor or someone who can give you advice. And if it starts getting waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay worse then for gawsh's sake don't stay. You and both your kids deserve better. My mom went through that when I was a kid. And oh goodness do I resent the fact that she still hasn't left yet (I had waaay too many issues over that then and now).Set a goal for yourself. That if he isn't better/getting better by 6 months in the future (sounds like a nice round number at the worst). Have an emergency cash stash, that way if he isn't you may have a little to live on if you had to.

 

[youngmommy2]

It sounds like he is afraid to bond with his son because he's scared that you'll take him away from him.. that and sleep deprivation can make a nice person into a demon. I'd still take a bit of a break from him though.. I know if anyone said that shit to me about my son I would probably be in prison. Big HUGE hugs hun.

 

[pinklightbulb]

It sounds like he is afraid to bond with his son because he's scared that you'll take him away from him.. that and sleep deprivation can make a nice person into a demon. I'd still take a bit of a break from him though.. I know if anyone said that shit to me about my son I would probably be in prison. Big HUGE hugs hun.

Exactly this, he said the very same thing himself. He's only just bonded with Eamon in the last few months

 

[pinklightbulb]

Sounds like a case of the "I need to be in charge and if you don't like it then suffer". Seriously for your sake talk to a couselor or someone who can give you advice. And if it starts getting waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay worse then for gawsh's sake don't stay. You and both your kids deserve better. My mom went through that when I was a kid. And oh goodness do I resent the fact that she still hasn't left yet (I had waaay too many issues over that then and now).Set a goal for yourself. That if he isn't better/getting better by 6 months in the future (sounds like a nice round number at the worst). Have an emergency cash stash, that way if he isn't you may have a little to live on if you had to.

And this too.... My way or nothing is how he sees it

 

[Ozzieshunni]

Just popping in to offer some hugs. It's never easy having kids and I hope he sees sense and gets help

 

[sandilion]

So he is basically being a complete coward and punishing you and your child for what his ex has done? Well it just gets even better. PND or not he sounds mentally unstable. His way of thinking is not rational. If he is as bad as what you say then why stay and have your children exposed to such a bitter nasty person? It sounds like you have somewhere to go.... i think you need to take action now and tell him its because of how he treats your children and yourself.

And like what has been said - he wont change, he doesn't have to because you're going to continue staying with him with the way things are. Its emotional abuse he is projecting onto you and your children, especially your little baby. I think its horrible he see's your baby as 'useless' - he is more of a useless excuse of a man than what your baby ever could be.

You need to harden up and make a stand for the sake of your children! I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but my mother never stepped in and took action when my father was being a prick to me and i will always remember she never did.

I think im going to not continue to read this thread anymore as i am finding it pretty upsetting. When i look at my LO, i don't care who it is - if anyone spoke horribly about him they would be history.

 

[Randianne]

I'm a little confused about the 'useless' comments. What exactly does he want your son to do? Is he only going to love his children if they can do something that benefits him?

Honestly, he sounds very manipulative. He knows how to push you just far enough so that he maintains control, but not so far that you leave him. I understand that previous issues can make someone less likely to trust again, but your OH chose this. He chose you and he chose to have a baby. Having issues bonding with a child is normal. Verbally abusing both you and your four week old is not. And it's not okay. I'm also going to go out on a limb here and say that he's said horrible things about your other child too.

Your OH is the one that needs to change. He needs a serious attitude adjustment. And it sounds like he wants to blame everyone else for his problems. There is nothing you can do about that. If he wants to become more than a 'useless' father, he needs to want to change. And then he needs the help of experienced professional.

Get your boys out of there before he does serious psychological damage to them. You are their mother, and you are the only one who can protect them from this. Make him get help before you consider coming back. You clearly ARE a strong woman, and don't let him tell you otherwise. Good luck hon. Your baby is adorable.

 

[BabyBoo36]

Please love, just leave. Stop thinking about it, stop finding excuses for him to behave this way. Just go. Your own family have told you to go. I doesn't matter how he was treated in the past, if he won't get help for it, he won't change.

 

[pinklightbulb]

I know everyone is speaking so much sense to me. I do make excuses and that's true... and yes he has said horrible things about E as well. It is so hard to know what to do, I see other threads like this and I'm the first to say leave, but when it's me taking my own advice is not so easy. I feel like I'm cheating my boys out of a father if I go.

 

[BrandysBabies]

I feel like I'm cheating my boys out of a father if I go.

Oh yes, because it is SO much better to have an abusive father that wished you didn't exist than no father at all!

 

[kaths101]

I agree you are not cheating them out of a father, you are removing them from an abusive situation.. It can then go 2 ways, he sorts himself out or doesn't change and you go your separate ways, even if you just go for a few weeks and do some thinking and so he can do some thinking..The first initial move is the worst but once you've done it you will feel so much better..

Come on girl you've done it once, you can do it again. Think of little Liam and the vile Nasty things he said about him. Go back to your first post and see how angry you were! Don't let him get away with it Hun

 

[sandilion]

Oh yes, because it is SO much better to have an abusive father that wished you didn't exist than no father at all!

My thoughts exactly.

I feel so sorry for the poor baby... he has no choice in the matter at all. He is being forced to be exposed to a man like that, hating him and calling him useless. My god if anyone spoke to/about my child like that they better then start running. I would unfortunately end up in jail. There should be ZERO tolerance for it.

Your baby is so adorable as well... it really would only take a cruel cold hearted person to say such terrible things. I don't know how anyone could look at an adorable baby and call them useless. If he doesn't have PND and just a prick like you say, then it's unforgivable.

Alright im out, i wish you the best of luck!

 

[AngelUK]

I agree with Sandilion. He has no incentive to change. Why should he when you take all his abuse and anger onto yourself? Even when he attacks the most precious beings in your world, your sons, do you not immediately leave. What would make you leave? If he hit them? Or only if he hit them hard enough to scar them? Thing is, if you stick around he will scar them, maybe not physically but psychologically. Besides teaching them that disrespecting their mother and therefore women is ok. You can ask any number of people if they would have preferred growing up with an absent father or one who is abusive - you'd get the same answer.

 

[Vesta]

Please hun, leave. If you can't do it for yourself then do it for your boys. No one deserves to be raised in such a toxic enviroment.