OH is a @#!@$%... so angry!!!

[Amygdala]

I don't know if he will change. He wasn't like this to start with. I always knew he had a temper but things were never bad, he treated me like gold. When we moved across the country back to my home state, things started to change a bit. And then Eamon was born and he started getting to be how he is now.

He doesn't trust me at all. Once we had Eamon I was the enemy because I have more power than him in regards to everything and by his own admission he can't stand that. He hates not havig control and he knows legally I can kick his ass over the boys.

Why is he so afraid of that fact... because he has had no access to his first boy for nearly six years now. He spent thousands taking MOB to court for access and ran out of money in the end. Now this will sound like I'm making excuses-- but MOB is not a nice woman. I used to be her very best friend, so I know she had no intentions of letting OH see their son. She just used him for sperm and child support.

So this turned him bitter about access and the like forever. He will never trust me, but I didn't know that till after Eamon It makes me so upset... he doesn't trust me with my own kids and their best interests.

I think this actually changes things. In this situation, I wouldn't leave unless I knew I was done with the relationship. Leaving will only make him worse. Is he a nice person otherwise? Is he worth fighting for as a partner for you and a dad for your boys? Unless the answer is clearly "no", I would try this first:
Sit him down in a calm moment when you're not fighting. If you can without lying, tell him you love him and you want things to work. Then tell him you're worried that your relationship is going a bad way and that you think his relationship with his sons is in danger too. Say that you want your boys to have their dad and for him to be happy as well. Then suggest going to see a counsellor together (get contacts and if possible an appointment beforehand but make sure he has some time to get used to the idea, ie an appointment a week later, not the next day). If he refuses, tell him you understand that he had a terrible experience but it would be awful to let that come between him and the boys or between him and you. Tell him that even of you didn't work out, you wouldn't stop him from seeing the boys but that you'd much rather be together and live happily as a family.
I agree that you and your boys deserve so much better but it sounds like with counselling and a lot of hard work and understanding on both sides, this can still turn out ok. It won't be easy but I really don't think he's "just an ass", I think he's coping very badly with a very difficult situation. Coping can be learned though.

 

[nickyXjayno]

people who want kids can't have them & then dicks like him have them & are wankers.
threads like this are ridiculous, how any self respecting woman can live with a man like that I don't know.
I do know what I'm talking about as I left my son's father for his lack of support.

 

[pinklightbulb]

I'm going to sit him down over the weekend and we're going to sort something out. He's definitely an ass but he can also be NOT an ass... I don't know, I know everyone is right and I should just leave again even if only for a while till he gets his shit together. But then I feel I'm doing just as I said I never would and using the boys against him. I know logically I'm not but he will see this as a power play, not me wanting him to get help. I know the man I fell in love with is still there. I see him every so often and I want him back so much but I don't want to put up with everything I get when he isn't there

 

[LannieDuck]

I'm going to sit him down over the weekend and we're going to sort something out. He's definitely an ass but he can also be NOT an ass... I don't know, I know everyone is right and I should just leave again even if only for a while till he gets his shit together. But then I feel I'm doing just as I said I never would and using the boys against him. I know logically I'm not but he will see this as a power play, not me wanting him to get help. I know the man I fell in love with is still there. I see him every so often and I want him back so much but I don't want to put up with everything I get when he isn't there

Ohh... please be careful with this line of thinking. You can't leave him because he'll be upset? Yes, he probably will be... but was he worried about making you upset when he said those horrible things about your children? No, and he didn't even care when you raised it again the next morning. And reading between the lines, he's done it repeatedly... with both boys.

Don't get yourself into a headspace where you feel you can't leave because it would be letting him down. That's hugely manipulative on his part. You're allowed to have your own thoughts and feelings and needs; not everything is about him.

The only one using the boys in any sort of power play at the moment is him. He's belittling them so that he can feel more in control. And he's threatening to fight you for custody if you dare to leave him.

I understand you wanting to talk it all through with him, and I think it's an admirable aim. But please don't feel that you can't leave him because it would letting him down. If you do decide to leave, he's brought it on himself.

 

[Natsku]

I agree with LannieDuck, don't let him manipulate you in that way. Thats exactly what my ex did to me, said I was taking his daughter away from him and using her as a weapon against him by leaving and he still constantly tries to manipulate me and make me feel guilty for leaving. Don't let your OH do that to you You have to put your boys first, even if it upsets him (and even if it upsets you too - because it will upset you to leave him if thats what you have to do).

 

[mummylove]

If my OH said that to me about his child i would be gone with the kids

 

[pinklightbulb]

Dad just rang. He wants to bring me home and wants me to leave him, I've just spent the last half an hour a total mess I feel so torn in half and don't know what to think anymore, I know everyone is right and why do I feel so guilty for wanting to go... just spoke to OH as well and he's behaving like nothing happened at all. Maybe that's making it so much harder, he thinks there's nothing wrong at all right now and I'm planning to leave. Why do I feel awful for it when he started it... I think I'm going to crack up soon

 

[mummylove]

Its ur decision what u do but could u really stay with someone that thinks so little of there own blood and something they half made

 

[pinklightbulb]

Dad's really upset, I told him everything and he wants me out of here. I know it isn't healthy to stay here but I don't know how to get out

 

[mummylove]

If u really want to go just get the stuff u need and go and if u av anything like furniture that is urs im sure some of ur family would get it

 

[Natsku]

Just go to your dad's. It doesn't have to be forever but you'll be able to think things through clearer when you're away from him.

 

[kaths101]

Just go to your dad's. It doesn't have to be forever but you'll be able to think things through clearer when you're away from him.

^^ go to your dads! Then just tell your OH you are going to spend a few weeks away. Tell him what's wrong, if he doesn't realise that calling his baby useless is wrong then tell him and go!
I know it's hard, go and have a good talk with your dad, he sounds lovely and obviously wants whats best for you! Exactly how dads should be, caring and loving their children ... Unlike your OH!!!!
it doesn't have to be a long term thing.

 

[creatingpeace]

"powerplay" these words and thinking are not rational. You are to leave to protect your children from verbal abuse. This has nothing to do with "using the children against him". You don't know how to get out" you have the support of your Dad, he is making it simple. You are making it complicated with your emotions. You don't want your boys to grow up without a Dad...so having a cold, hard, mean, abusive Dad is better. Making excuses for him only justify your own actions. Again I am being harsh...but you need to hear it one way or another. Unless your "man" gets help things are not going to get better.

 

[venusrockstar]

There is no way in hell that I would ever put up with my husband saying anything like that to my children. Ever. My children are my whole world and I can't imagine any mother just sweeping something like that under the carpet and pretending things are fine. His ass would be kicked to the curb and he wouldn't be allowed back until he got professional help as to why the hell he would say something like that.

Seriously, do not allow him to get away with what he said, with that way of thinking, whose to say he wouldn't hurt your baby sometime because they won't stop crying etc? Go to your dads and hopefully he wakes the hell up in the meantime.

 

[AngelUK]

Your not leaving is typical for someone who is being abused, verbally or physically. I know that and I understand it cause I too used to be that codependent to a raging, hatefilled, abusive man. And therefore I know this: he will NEVER EVER EVER change! He would have to first see that he has a problem and I am betting my most expensive shoes on it that he does not. No, not even if he says he knows he is the one with the problem. Cause that sort of man uses emotions like the carrot and the whip. If he wasn't occasionally nice he would have no hold over you. So you wait and try your best to bring out the nice side and blame yourself or your babies (!!!!!) for when he is being mean. You make excuses and try harder. Why should he change? If love for you didn't do it and love for his kids didn't do it then what on earth will make him change?
I am leaving this thread now cause I find it too upsetting. I hope you will sort yourself out and that you will put the wellfare of yours kids first. I send you loads of hugs in the meantime. xxx

 

[pinklightbulb]

I'm sorry if I upset everyone, my head is all over the place

 

[Natsku]

 

[kissesandhugs]

aww hun. What a terrible situation I know how hard it is to KNOW you HAVE to leave but just can't. You don't have to go to your dads forever, maybe just a few days or weeks and maybe it'll push your OH into reality as in This is real, buck up or we're out.

 

[LannieDuck]

You haven't upset anyone on here. But think about what it means when we're all worried about you, and your family is worried about you.

If you go to your Dad's, it doesn't have to be forever. It'll just give you an opportunity to think. What's the downside? You get time to think, your OH gets a reality check. You can work out what happens after that later.

 

[Pocky]

Not trying to compete, but my OH said much worse early on I don't know how they can do it.

He's smitten with Alex now, but I still think about what he said and feel physically sick