OH performance anxiety - 6 BFPs so far!!!!

[SaraJewel]

Hello, I'm new here and looking for a bit of support............ I've spoken to women in other forums, but I think my situation is made even more stressful being over 35...........

We've been ttc for 7 months. Every since we stopped using birth control (condoms), my OH has only been able to "finish" once. Once in 7 months??? I can hardly believe it myself. We occasionally had this problem before ttc, but not too frequently and it never really caused us any issues.

We discussed this a couple of months ago, and he said I was putting us under too much pressure. I had been talking about how much I wanted a family a lot and how much having a baby means to me. I think he is right, I was putting us under a lot of pressure and I don't think I realised how much it was affecting him.

I reassured him and a few days later, everything was fine in bed! I was so happy, I hadn't realised how much our problem had been affecting me. But since then, things have gone back to how they were................

I don't however use OPKs, however keep an eye on my CM to get an idea as to when I might be most fertile, but don't share this with him and never have done. In fact we don't talk about ttc at all now.

I'm going to be 39 next month, my OH is 41 and feel that time is running out for us, however I also feel I can't talk to him about it as it will put him under even more pressure, so I keep it to myself and cry on my own a lot. I don't know how much longer I can carry on like this, it feels like a stupid and impossible situation.

I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced this, if anything helped and how long they left it before thinking of getting help e.g. from counselling, Drs or even using home fertilisation.

Thank you and I suddenly feel a bit better already getting this off my chest!!

 

[l8bloomer]

Sarah, I also have a difficult spouse. I think minimizing TTC talk is a good idea. Our situation is loads better now that I've stopped updating him on every little TTC development or info I come across on BnB.

 

[SaraJewel]

I am keeping my fingers crossed I don't need to do anything apart from be patient! I think there is a lot of pressure on guys, like everything centres around them "finishing" and I think the more they think about this, the less likely this is to happen!

I would love to just sit down with him and talk about it but think this is likely to make things worse rather than better. On the other hand, I feel like I haven't much time to be patient, aaaaaaaargh!!!

 

[l8bloomer]

I am keeping my fingers crossed I don't need to do anything apart from be patient! I think there is a lot of pressure on guys, like everything centres around them "finishing" and I think the more they think about this, the less likely this is to happen!

I would love to just sit down with him and talk about it but think this is likely to make things worse rather than better. On the other hand, I feel like I haven't much time to be patient, aaaaaaaargh!!!

Just try to not let him know you're upset. I know it's difficult but it is counter-productive. I had 'THE TALK' with mine. He says the not 'finishing' made him feel less than a man so knowing that you're upset just piles on the pressure. It will work out. Try not to stress.

 

[SaraJewel]

Wow, thank you, it's good to know that other people are out there with the same problem, it makes such a difference to know you're not on your own! Good luck and let me know when you get your BFP!

 

[sienasmama]

Same problem here, although not as severe. At least half the time, he doesn't finish, and when he does, it takes 30+ minutes, and that's if he doesn't get a sex headache and have to stop. He has no trouble finishing on his own, which makes me wonder if it's me, even though in my head I know it's not. We're going to IUI next month, but as far as trying at home, I now keep cups and a few 10ml oral syringes around, just in case. He was a little uncomfortable with it at first, but now, no big deal. We can have fun together, and if he needs to finish on his own, he can and I won't be insulted, and his guys get where they need to be one way or another. LOL. Not very romantic, but you've gotta do what you've gotta do.

 

[SaraJewel]

I was paranoid for the first few months that it he wasn't into me any more but we did have a talk about this and it is nothing to do with that, it is the pressure of having to finish. Actually we have moved on over the past 4 months, when we first started trying, he couldn't get started because the whole situation was so new and strange. I guess you don't realise what a big deal it is until you start trying. I foolishly assumed we would just stop using condoms, it would be more pleasurable and our sex life would be even better!!!!

We have to stay positive, not stress out (at least not to OH) and let nature take its course................. I know we are all worried about time running out, but 2 of my friends have given birth aged 38 over the past 6 months and one was an accident!

 

[marie44]

I wonder if it would help if you could tell him ov was a different time or just downplay your desire to get pg right now. My dh had issues a few times but it was mostly when i told him we had to bd that night & it was so important. Once i told him i stopped keeping track of my cycle & it will happen when it happens, he didn't have any issues anymore. I do feel bad for guys in general bc it is a lot of pressure for them. GL & keep us updated!

 

[Zeri]

My DH has had issues with this too. It's a difficult situation! I reallly feel for you!

Is it possible you could have him 'finish' into a receptacle - and then inseminate it? I've heard women doing this before and getting pregnant. You may have to do some more research on it to see how it's really done, though. But maybe a situation like that (masturbating in private) might take off some of the performance pressure?

 

[SaraJewel]

Thanks for all the responses! I've been playing the whole thing down about pregnancy, and.......... it's started to work! I think we will still run into problems in the future but I am hopeful that things will improve. And if things don't then I think looking at artificial methods of insemination would be my next step.

I think the key was that we both needed to relax and stop putting so much pressure on ourselves. Easier said than done though!

 

[HPMINI]

Definitely have the same issue! I avoided telling him about relevant dates but then got frustrated on those vital dates which always coincided with "I'm tired"!
I also have an issue (especially when I haven't stressed the importance) that he doesn't finish because he is trying hard to hold on to give me more pleasure and then gets more tired. Arghhh!

 

[SaraJewel]

Yes, I am wondering if this is going to happen to us too! I am hoping that we will get lucky and bd on the vital dates without having to make a big issue out of it!

I think my OH hangs on for me too through force of habit, he is not a selfish lover but at this stage, I wouldn't mind!

Are you still telling him about your ovulation dates then HPMINI?

 

[threebirds]

Hi good luck ladies. My OH is told when im fertile coz otherwise we wouldnt get to dtd a few times at the right time. It is stressful, so a few mnths back i explained about softcups and how some people use them for insemination. That has taken a good bit of pressure off. Next cycle we used only softcups AI, now we're at half and half (maybe 2 bd and 2 softcup goes during my fertile window). I let him decide.
Anyway, hope things get easier x

 

[SaraJewel]

How do you use softcups?

 

[threebirds]

Hi Sarah
Some people put them in after dtd to keep the swimmers up there.

We, like others who use them for AI put the semen directly in the cup, I insert preseed then insert the cup and keep it in place for a few wks. There are lengthy threads on here but not sure where. Will post link if I find them. Softcups are normally used for menstruation. There are other similiar products like mooncups but apparently the softcup sits higher on the cervix so is the one to use. Try googling softcup & ttc.
Good luck x

 

[threebirds]

Haha oops typo alert- keep it in for a few HRS not WKS!!!
I thought OH would never go for it but coz he was so stressed about 'performing on demand' he totally went for it. Now I try and make it the backup plan. So if bding isnt really wrking then the softcups come out.

 

[SaraJewel]

Thanks! Something to keep up my sleeve! Ha Ha, I thought Weeks was a bit extreme!!!

 

[SaraJewel]

Feel the need to vent! I hope someone out there is listening...........

So we managed to DTD successfully (i.e. with OH finishing) once last month and it was around the time of ovulation I think (judging by CM). I was elated!!!!

Then followed the longest 2 weeks of my life I think............... I managed to convince myself I was pregnant. I felt I had all these symptoms I had never had before and that I must be pregnant. But AF came today (CD30). Oh I feel so foolish, have had a little cry, but am trying hard not to have my own pity party.

Feels like a steep hill to climb to start all over again worrying about whether he's going to finish, whether we'll have sex at the right time (I can't tell him when is the right time as that'll add to the stress of it all!) and then if we do, if I will even get pregnant.

How do you girls keep going????

 

[l8bloomer]

Feel the need to vent! I hope someone out there is listening...........

So we managed to DTD successfully (i.e. with OH finishing) once last month and it was around the time of ovulation I think (judging by CM). I was elated!!!!

Then followed the longest 2 weeks of my life I think............... I managed to convince myself I was pregnant. I felt I had all these symptoms I had never had before and that I must be pregnant. But AF came today (CD30). Oh I feel so foolish, have had a little cry, but am trying hard not to have my own pity party.

Feels like a steep hill to climb to start all over again worrying about whether he's going to finish, whether we'll have sex at the right time (I can't tell him when is the right time as that'll add to the stress of it all!) and then if we do, if I will even get pregnant.

How do you girls keep going????

I have a difficult one as well. Hope keeps me going and I know there's reason to hope because my aunt had her first baby at 45 naturally, after many months of trying as well as 2 unsuccessful IVF cycles. Her happy and healthy little one is now 3.

It will happen.

 

[SaraJewel]

It will happen! I am feeling better now I've gotten over the initial disappointment. This was the first month since ttc (past 7 months) that we were actually in with a chance.

Thank you, how are you doing anyway? Have you had a good month? How long have you been ttc?

Wow, you're over in Canada, never been there but always wanted to.

I want to insert some baby dust but don't know how!!!!