OH's unrealistic expectations...

Discussion in 'Pregnancy - Second Trimester' started by candycrush, Oct 14, 2013.

  1. candycrush

    candycrush Pregnant with #1

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    My hubby has been uber supportive during my pregnancy so far, I really can't complain. However, we had a discussion whilst out walking our dog yesterday that has made me a little concerned about his expectations for impending fatherhood. We were talking paternity leave and he said he will probably split it, a week during the first week of the babies birth and a week about a month later when the stream of visitors and helpers has calmed down - this sounds fine to me. However he was going on about how it was also an opportunity to study and train at the gym (making me wonder what he thinks will be happening at home as he swans off to do that!) and when I mentioned housework and cooking being a struggle for a few weeks he said 'why? You'll be at home with the baby?' making me think he genuinely believes the baby is going to be straightforward and easygoing straight away...
    I'm thinking about getting him a book to try and prepare him, but since he works with so many dads I can't believe he is appearing so naive about how much work our wee baby is going to be. Anyone else wondering about how their partner will cope or is it just me?
     
  2. CantWaitToTTC

    CantWaitToTTC Well-Known Member

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    He definitely sounds like he has NO idea how hard it will be - esp. on YOU!! My husband took 2 weeks off after Harry got here and during that he logged onto his laptop a few times a day and took a few calls, which was hard enough! If it wasn't for my husband I wouldn't have eaten for the first two weeks hehe.

    Tell him that (on average), the new baby will sleep through the first day, but this is wasted in hospital. Then after they will wake at least every two hours, take up to 45 minutes to feed (if you choose breast), and this is THROUGHOUT the day and night. So imagine - you will be up at night every two hours and half of that time you will need to be awake and concentrating. So you will be a zombie for the first few weeks (for me it was for the first 5 weeks).

    My husband NEVER got up with me during the night. Which I found hard, but saying that, during the first 2 weeks he cleaned the dishes, fed me and bless him - between 9pm and midnight he would hold our son while I napped (Harry would only sleep for longer then the time in between feeds (hour and 15 mins from end of one feed till he was up crying for next) IF he was being held - so this 3 hour window was my nights sleep lol.

    Tell your husband all this. But allow for him to not completely understand it till it happens. My husband didn't quite 'get it', till baby was home and crying all the time and I was dead and not eating.

    Good luck!!!!!!!
     
  3. dreamer_x

    dreamer_x Ava's Mummy

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    The gym?! Oh dear, if he really thinks he's going to have time to go to the gym, you do need to do something!
    My OH's nearly 25 but he's still so immature for his age, I'm only 20 but I feel older than he is, so I'm worrying how he's going to cope too. I've seen how he is with my mums puppy and it's quite worrying. He's fine playing with her and entertaining her, but when he'd arrive at the house and let her out of the kitchen, he wouldn't think about the necessary things - checking if she'd made a mess, opening the back door for her, when he'd feed her, he'd forget to change her water etc, so thinking about all that, I wonder whether he's going to remember to check the baby's nappy or keep to a feeding schedule! I've voiced my concerns though so now all I can do is wait and see really.
    I'd have a word hun, or like you said, get him a book. We went to a book shop when I wanted a name book and he picked up a 'pregnancy for dads' or something so I bought it him and he actually read it, it was full of little tips for dads-to-be during pregnancy so I might get a baby book for dads for him for Christmas!
     
  4. Storm1jet2

    Storm1jet2 Well-Known Member

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    Oh bless he really doesn't have a clue - my DH was lucky to escape to walk the dog at the start - tbh I wouldn't worry about it too much, just say 'I don't think it will be like that' - it will be a shock when the baby is born but he will just have to adapt!
     
  5. freddie

    freddie Mum of 3

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  6. jenniferttc1

    jenniferttc1 mommy of 1 baking #2

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    No way in hell would I have let my husband go off and get a work out while he was on paternity leave :haha:
    My husband only had 3 days off while I was at the hospital and 1 day off while I was at home. It was hard, but manageable, but I had to make it work. Now if he would have been home, he would have been making lunches, dinners, vaccum here and there, and some dishes while I nursed our son, woke up 10 times a night to feed, and take 20 mins to sit down in a position that didn't feel like my vagina would have exploded from giving birth.
     
  7. AC1987

    AC1987 Mom of 2 DD's

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    My dh was CLUELESS even after him buying himself books, it wasn't til she was born that he realized how HARD it is to watch a baby, I just gave up on housework I literally was in too much pain and no energy too, it wasn't til my mom came that it started getting done. :haha:
     
  8. candycrush

    candycrush Pregnant with #1

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    Thanks ladies - sounds like he is as I suspected BLISSFULLY CLUELESS! As a FTM I'm sure it's gonna be a hell of a shock to the system for me too, but I am trying to be realistic in preparing myself for the next few months, whereas I don't think he fully appreciates how hard it is going to be...

    Thanks for the link to the book, I think I'm going to get it for him. Also may encourage him to chat with his bro-in-law, hopefully he can give him some frank, realistic advice on how his life is going to change :haha:
     
  9. wannabenewmum

    wannabenewmum Well-Known Member

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    My husband was only planning in taking a week and I am having a c- section plus have 5 kids already(,and yes they his so I wud think he already knows) 2 need walking to school and one will only be 2.5 so i had to sent him straight I cud almost understand the niavity if it's yr first
     
  10. StarlitHome

    StarlitHome Tropigoth Mama to Two

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    This is why with our first, we took a birthing/early parenthood class that was taught by a couple with children. The husband was phenomenal and explained to the daddies-to-be all about what the first while after birth is like and how much the moms will rely on them.
    For us, my mom and sister came the day I came home from hospital, and helped out for two weeks. It was a life-saver as TM couldn't get time off work (thank GOD he is not in that job anymore) but he was a big help whenever he was home and I credit the class we took for that :)
     
  11. candyem

    candyem Well-Known Member

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    I got this for my husband too. He loved it and it made him so much more understanding. I would recommend it too!
     
  12. nolansmom

    nolansmom Guest

    Sorry but maybe I am like your OH and blissfully clueless as well.

    I do not remember Ds being a whole bunch of work at all.. I bottle fed which I may be leaning toward this time as well. So he slept for 4+ hours at a time.. Rarely cried (the deafening kind anyway) and other than that he pooped and slept.

    His clothes weren't excessive so not much extra laundry at all. I was alone with Ds and expect to be alone for the most part with Lo and Ds and am not the least bit worried about time management as it's a fixed schedule that I go over and over in my mind even now. I may keep Ds home for a few days once Lo is here so he can bond with his baby sister... As long as you have everything that you need I don't think it should be an excessive amount of work at all. Babies actually require so little as compared to older children IMHO - but that could just be me.. :) Also, "allowing" OH to head to the gym might just be what you need as that exchange could mean you leave and go to lunch with a friend for a few hours a couple of days a week. :)
     
  13. wishuwerehere

    wishuwerehere dh, me and 2dds

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    I would point out that you going on maternity leave (assuming you are working and taking it) is not an opportunity for you to go workout/catchup with your reading!
     
  14. Mummymoo_x

    Mummymoo_x Well-Known Member

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    Oh dear! I think its pretty much the same thing with my OH he has been supportive but as its his first I think its going to hit him hard..(I'm sure I wont find it easy either) luckily I'll have my mums support at the begining so he will be having full nights sleep every night...& it bugs me that he thinks it will be easy.

    I think with most guys they think just because we'll be off work we'll be chilling out all day, with our feet up! HA HA. :)
     
  15. BadMamaJAMA

    BadMamaJAMA Well-Known Member

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    I worry about this, too. From the sound of it, DH's first daughter was a super-easy baby... and they were living with his mom at the time she was born, so they had some built-in help. He seems to have this idea that it's NBD.

    And maybe this one will be easy-going as well.

    ...Probably not. She is my daughter. :)
     
  16. Ashla

    Ashla Well-Known Member

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    Nolansmom, I think it depends on the baby.

    My first had colic and reflux. He basically cried for 6 months straight. And the only way he would sleep for more than 20 minutes at a time was if he was in my arms. For the first 6 months I wasn't able to have a shower until DH returned from work at about 8pm. And any meal I ate needed to be something I could eat one handed while jiggling and singing to settle DS!

    So I think the OP has a good point about managing her husband's expectations. She may get a really easy baby and trips to the gym etc might be perfectly reasonable. But then again, she may not.
     
  17. FeistyMom

    FeistyMom 3 DDs, 1 DS & Preggers

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    As PPs have said, babies run the range in terms of needs and demands. Plus, for the initial recovery, it also depends on how labor and delivery go. Good to try to prepare him a bit in advance if things end up being really intense.

    As for men sharing information with each other... it just doesn't seem like they really talk that much about life outside of work, beyond sports and sometimes politics. Around here, one of the guys I work with *every* day, and even socialize with occassionally GOT MARRIED without anyone in the office knowing. We kind of knew he was engaged, or at least serious, but hey - guys just don't share as much info. Doesn't even dawn on them.
     
  18. JessPape

    JessPape Myself, Husband, DD

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    It really depends on your baby, and how you parent. My husband took a week off with DD, and to be honest it was nice, because we got to travel to my parents for them to see the little one (4 hour drive), and it was nice as I did have a csection.

    But to be honest, when it came to the baby, there really wasn't much for him to do. I breastfeed on demand, and don't believe in bottle feeding (for us). She would only sleep when I was around, as she needed to be nursed to sleep. The only thing he REALLY could do was bath, or change her diaper.

    Since I used cloth diapers, it took him awhile to adjust to them, and for the most part I have changed all her diapers.

    As for the bathing part, while... she got one bath in that time and it was 4 days after she was born.. So again, not really much he got too do, since all she really did was eat sleep and poop.

    Having said that, we had pre-made meals, and our laundry and everything was already in order. So our house was keep in order, so not much needed to be done either. So for him, it was nice having him home, but he was useless in the sense of the baby...

    Honestly, he used this week of too fix little things around the house, and get our garage in order (we just built a house, his dad was here, so he took advantage of that opportunity during that time).

    Again, he's taking a week off, but again I really don't foresee him being helpful lol. He didn't really become helpful till she was 6 months, and wasn't soley on breastmilk.

    Each family, each child, each parenting choice is going to be different. Play it by ear.
     
  19. ssjad

    ssjad Well-Known Member

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    I think it depends on your oh. Mine is a machine and worked out every day, spring cleaned the house, relaxed and made sure I rested with Bubby everyday etc. it was very smooth!
     
  20. sjwebb

    sjwebb Well-Known Member

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    I have to agree with some of the previous posters, my kids weren't really much of a handful. I just had to learn to prioritize...like I would do dishes one day, and then laundry the next, you don't need to do it all in one day. Pick up a few things around the house but don't over do it. And invest in a sling or some sort of baby wearing device. I can not stress it enough haha. I never had one with my son but when my daughter came along I needed to tend to him and it was just easier to put her in the sling, and I could clean, cook, help my son, whatever I needed to do when my husband wasn't around.
     

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