OH's unrealistic expectations...

[Blessedbaby]

my DH was also so clueless in the start and was already thinking of having another baby ... until his cousin had her baby and he saw how she struggled with having a baby, cleaning, cooking, laundry etc ...

he now has got me a helper and unfortunately only get 3 days paternity leave ... but its ok as his mom will be there to help as well but will only do day visits ...

 

[supertabby]

Oh dear! I would show him this thread.

There are a few who've said it's really not that hard, and yes all babies are different, but the most likely experience is going to be feeds every hour at least, exhaustion, crying (baby crying, you crying....). I needed my hubby to make sure I ate and drank, even when he put food and drink in front of me he had to keep coming back to encourage me to actually consume it as I lost my appetite. He held Isobel for a few hours each evening while I napped before the night ahead (babies often won't sleep except when being held at first). My husband was my absolute rock - yes we had supportive family and friends but as your life partner and father of your child this is the time you absolutely need him to step up and be there.

And while I've painted a scary picture above, it does get easier after a few weeks and although I didn't know it at the time (not everyone gets that rush of happiness you see on tv) she is worth it a billion times over - she's so wonderful and your lo will be wonderful too.

 

[fashionqueen]

I know a guy who unbelievably in his late 30s thought that about 4 weeks after the birth they could go on a little holiday somewhere & said he was on holiday websites looking up flights etc a few weeks before! Lol

I cracked up laughing when he told me this.

Needless to say when the baby arrived he was brought down to reality with a bang. And it was a Big Bang as his wife got PND.

My DH luckily is not that naive. He's also seen my friends husband looking like he could just lie down on the pavement and sleep after a bad night with their baby, so he knows what to expect in that sense.

 

[SwissMiss]

It really depends on your baby, and how you parent. My husband took a week off with DD, and to be honest it was nice, because we got to travel to my parents for them to see the little one (4 hour drive), and it was nice as I did have a csection.

But to be honest, when it came to the baby, there really wasn't much for him to do. I breastfeed on demand, and don't believe in bottle feeding (for us). She would only sleep when I was around, as she needed to be nursed to sleep. The only thing he REALLY could do was bath, or change her diaper.

Since I used cloth diapers, it took him awhile to adjust to them, and for the most part I have changed all her diapers.

As for the bathing part, while... she got one bath in that time and it was 4 days after she was born.. So again, not really much he got too do, since all she really did was eat sleep and poop.

Having said that, we had pre-made meals, and our laundry and everything was already in order. So our house was keep in order, so not much needed to be done either. So for him, it was nice having him home, but he was useless in the sense of the baby...

Honestly, he used this week of too fix little things around the house, and get our garage in order (we just built a house, his dad was here, so he took advantage of that opportunity during that time).

Again, he's taking a week off, but again I really don't foresee him being helpful lol. He didn't really become helpful till she was 6 months, and wasn't soley on breastmilk.

Each family, each child, each parenting choice is going to be different. Play it by ear.

Pretty much, this (apart from I use disposable diapers )
Men only get, like, three days paternity leave here; DH will take it of course but it's my MUM who is going to be my 'helper' for the first 3 weeks with 3 kids. She was here right after my other two as well, and since she is a WOMAN, she SEES what needs doing and does it. My DH I'd have to spend more energy and time showing/telling him what and how that I might as well do it myself... I also bf, so there's nothing for him to do there. I baby wear so lo sleeps 90% of the time in the ergo while I'm doing cooking/cleaning/kid stuff... I too was a zombie the first few weeks with my daughter but that was b/c my ol' bod got a shock from going from 10hrs of sleep a night to MAYBE 4hrs... But there really wasn't anything DH could do! No point in both of us being the Walking Dead...
This year, we are going on ski holiday 4 weeks after the last possible day my 3rd could come! Just to give you an idea...

I would also say, play it by ear...
xxx

 

[Jonesy25]

I was in hospital 3 days after my first and could hardly move off the sofa for a week after that If my OH wasnt around i would have been lost, he did everything!

 

[sun]

Nolansmom, I think it depends on the baby.

My first had colic and reflux. He basically cried for 6 months straight. And the only way he would sleep for more than 20 minutes at a time was if he was in my arms. For the first 6 months I wasn't able to have a shower until DH returned from work at about 8pm. And any meal I ate needed to be something I could eat one handed while jiggling and singing to settle DS!

So I think the OP has a good point about managing her husband's expectations. She may get a really easy baby and trips to the gym etc might be perfectly reasonable. But then again, she may not.

My first was similar. He was very colicky and I had to bounce him all day while he screamed. I couldn't put him down and actually wore earplugs while carrying him in my arms or a wrap because by the end of the day my ears would ring from the constant screaming. It was absolute hell and lasted about 6 months. My OH didn't have any time off at all, so it was super tough. With my second my OH had 3 days off and he spent it doing fun things with my son. My daughter was so so easy in comparison. She had a "witching hour" in the evening when she would cry, but apart from that I just carried her in a wrap and she dozed on and off all day. Easy peasy! I'm hoping this one is similar lol

 

[candycrush]

wow so many different experiences!! One thing is patently obvious though, we are so lucky that hubby is entitled to 2 weeks paternity leave!!! xxx

 

[sun]

wow so many different experiences!! One thing is patently obvious though, we are so lucky that hubby is entitled to 2 weeks paternity leave!!! xxx

We have amazing pat leave here (we can split a year of leave between us) but he had recently started a new job and couldn't just leave. It would have been so nice to have OH home for a 4-5 months though! Also hopefully your OH is right and he CAN pop out to the gym!! I have met many babies who are easy and their mamas can go out for coffee, read, clean, relax etc with no problems at all. That would be pretty sweet!

 

[candycrush]

wow so many different experiences!! One thing is patently obvious though, we are so lucky that hubby is entitled to 2 weeks paternity leave!!! xxx

We have amazing pat leave here (we can split a year of leave between us) but he had recently started a new job and couldn't just leave. It would have been so nice to have OH home for a 4-5 months though! Also hopefully your OH is right and he CAN pop out to the gym!! I have met many babies who are easy and their mamas can go out for coffee, read, clean, relax etc with no problems at all. That would be pretty sweet!

here's hoping! However as she's our daughter I'm guessing she'll be opinionated, stubborn and a bit of a party animal ;-)

 

[SwissMiss]

wow so many different experiences!! One thing is patently obvious though, we are so lucky that hubby is entitled to 2 weeks paternity leave!!! xxx

We have amazing pat leave here (we can split a year of leave between us) but he had recently started a new job and couldn't just leave. It would have been so nice to have OH home for a 4-5 months though! Also hopefully your OH is right and he CAN pop out to the gym!! I have met many babies who are easy and their mamas can go out for coffee, read, clean, relax etc with no problems at all. That would be pretty sweet!

here's hoping! However as she's our daughter I'm guessing she'll be opinionated, stubborn and a bit of a party animal ;-)

Ours is the opinionated and stubborn bit for SURE! But she was still a rel easy baby; the toddler/kid years are proving a TAD more challenging at times..

 

[sun]

wow so many different experiences!! One thing is patently obvious though, we are so lucky that hubby is entitled to 2 weeks paternity leave!!! xxx

We have amazing pat leave here (we can split a year of leave between us) but he had recently started a new job and couldn't just leave. It would have been so nice to have OH home for a 4-5 months though! Also hopefully your OH is right and he CAN pop out to the gym!! I have met many babies who are easy and their mamas can go out for coffee, read, clean, relax etc with no problems at all. That would be pretty sweet!

here's hoping! However as she's our daughter I'm guessing she'll be opinionated, stubborn and a bit of a party animal ;-)

Ours is the opinionated and stubborn bit for SURE! But she was still a rel easy baby; the toddler/kid years are proving a TAD more challenging at times..

Oh yes - we had a relatively easy baby girl who now at almost 2 is definitely opinionated and stubborn! Such a joy, but definitely a challenge when she hears the word no lol

 

[DSM]

My hubby has been uber supportive during my pregnancy so far, I really can't complain. However, we had a discussion whilst out walking our dog yesterday that has made me a little concerned about his expectations for impending fatherhood. We were talking paternity leave and he said he will probably split it, a week during the first week of the babies birth and a week about a month later when the stream of visitors and helpers has calmed down - this sounds fine to me. However he was going on about how it was also an opportunity to study and train at the gym (making me wonder what he thinks will be happening at home as he swans off to do that!) and when I mentioned housework and cooking being a struggle for a few weeks he said 'why? You'll be at home with the baby?' making me think he genuinely believes the baby is going to be straightforward and easygoing straight away...
I'm thinking about getting him a book to try and prepare him, but since he works with so many dads I can't believe he is appearing so naive about how much work our wee baby is going to be. Anyone else wondering about how their partner will cope or is it just me?

This sounds very familiar!!!

My OH only took 1 week with my first (now 14mnths) & 1 week a month later, it was ok - although I wasn't get much housework done!!

My OH also goes training a lot (at the time he was preparing for a half ironman triathlon) but now we are expecting our 2nd in april when our 1st will be 20 months!! So I've asked him to take the first 2 weeks off (we can't afford for him to take paternity as the pay is too low, so he has to take holiday on full pay & he says "I don't want to use half my years allowance"!) so I can spend the first week getting to know the baby & breastfeeding etc & the 2nd week he can help me get into a routine as I will still be walking our 2 dogs for 1hr a day with the 2 children from when he goes back to work ............

However trying to make my OH understand this is what I need is like trying to build a fire guard out of chocolate!! Lol - I've now just said your doing it because I said so

Maybe if you explain to your OH how hard it will be for the first few weeks he will understand?? Best of luck to you

 

[patch2006uk]

My OH had 6 weeks off, one week before and 5 weeks after. He saved his annual leave for the year and used it all in one go. I couldn't have coped without him - after my c-section I could barely stand, let alone tend to a baby. It took about 3 weeks for me to feel human again, and even then it was a much, much more tired human than I'd ever been before!

DS was not a happy baby - he had hideous wind, so he fed (once he eventually started BFing right, which took 10 days of expressing hell!) and then screamed for up to 90 mins before doing a tiny burp, sleeping for 30 mins or so and then waking for his next feed.

OH did everything basically except feed the baby for those first weeks. He did most nappy changes, he did the winding and the walking round trying to console, he did the getting up to pass me the baby (because it took me as long to try and sit up in bed as it did for him to walk around the room, get DS, jiggle him for 5 and then pass him to me).

Yes, some babies are easy. But those first 6 weeks are pretty hard for the average, and there are babies that are much worse than average! I'd at least try to manage his expectations a little tbh. No point him expecting your loves to basically stay the same, when they're going to be fundamentally changed and all your priorities shifted!

 

[BadMamaJAMA]

So this thread reminds me of a related stressor I'm dealing with.

My LO is due in the dead of winter. That would be all good - perfect, even (what better time to hole up inside?) - except for the fact that I have a 7-year-old stepdaughter.

When I'm on maternity leave, we figured it'd be silly to pay for her to go to daycare after school, as she could just take the bus home. The bus drops off at the building next to hours, so I'll have to walk out there, get my stepdaughter, and walk back in.

So here's my question... what do you think would be the best way to navigate this? I imaging getting baby into a sleep state and into the stroller and warm and bundled would be sort of an ordeal. Would it work better if I were wearing her?

I'm not comfortable leaving her (sometimes the bus is late). My other option would be to make friends with the other moms and see if one can drop my kiddo off...

 

[patch2006uk]

So this thread reminds me of a related stressor I'm dealing with.

My LO is due in the dead of winter. That would be all good - perfect, even (what better time to hole up inside?) - except for the fact that I have a 7-year-old stepdaughter.

When I'm on maternity leave, we figured it'd be silly to pay for her to go to daycare after school, as she could just take the bus home. The bus drops off at the building next to hours, so I'll have to walk out there, get my stepdaughter, and walk back in.

So here's my question... what do you think would be the best way to navigate this? I imaging getting baby into a sleep state and into the stroller and warm and bundled would be sort of an ordeal. Would it work better if I were wearing her?

I'm not comfortable leaving her (sometimes the bus is late). My other option would be to make friends with the other moms and see if one can drop my kiddo off...

Sling, definitely. Either a ring sling or a stretchy wrap that you can leave on and just pop LO in and out as needed

 

[BadMamaJAMA]

So this thread reminds me of a related stressor I'm dealing with.

My LO is due in the dead of winter. That would be all good - perfect, even (what better time to hole up inside?) - except for the fact that I have a 7-year-old stepdaughter.

When I'm on maternity leave, we figured it'd be silly to pay for her to go to daycare after school, as she could just take the bus home. The bus drops off at the building next to hours, so I'll have to walk out there, get my stepdaughter, and walk back in.

So here's my question... what do you think would be the best way to navigate this? I imaging getting baby into a sleep state and into the stroller and warm and bundled would be sort of an ordeal. Would it work better if I were wearing her?

I'm not comfortable leaving her (sometimes the bus is late). My other option would be to make friends with the other moms and see if one can drop my kiddo off...

Sling, definitely. Either a ring sling or a stretchy wrap that you can leave on and just pop LO in and out as needed

Thank you!!

 

[Storm1jet2]

Slings, baby carriers etc are great - I didn't get mine until DD was 4 months old - what was I thinking - if I'd known how much I would use it I would have had it from birth!

 

[FeistyMom]

I know what you mean about slings/carriers. I had a Baby Bjorn with DD1 and DD2, and a Snugli. But with DS1 I got a Moby wrap.... It was even MORE comfy for me (although DS was a fall baby, so I didn't have to worry about heat like I did with DD1...) I didn't really know how to use it so I don't think I even had it on until DS was 3 months old, and also thought WHAT WAS I THINKING! Shoulda been using it the entire time

 

[sun]

Agree with the sling. I exclusively carry my babies (no stroller) and I don't know what I would do without it. My wrap saved my sanity with my colicky son and made life with 2 so so so so much easier. Now that I'm expecting #3, I wouldn't even consider not using one. With my second I wrapped her in hospital at only 1.5hours old and went to get some dinner!