Over emotional & trying to sort it all out.

[Waterfaerie]

Today has been a good day and a bad one. On the good side I made a few steps further on our TTC journey. I did my Day 3 blood work and scheduled my appointment for the HSG. However, DH is dragging his feet for the SA saying if my tests come back with problems then he wont have to do it. Why am I doing all of this if he isn't going to put in his contribution.

On the bad side. After getting the blood work done and making my appointment I had a major emotional backlash from the steps forward I made. It was everything I could do to hold myself together today and finish work without . I don't know why but the some where deep inside starting the fertility testing feels like I am going down a totally different path than I ever thought I would be on. I am normally not an anxious person. I am typically your get it done, can't stop me, I can take on the world type of person. But I am so anxious that everything seems to be weighing down on me. It was one of those please don't look at me or I might start crying days. Why is this so different and why can't I seem to get a grip on what I am feeling.

DH is upset because I am upset but he doesn't understand it and doesn't know what to do about it. So he just kind of is letting it run its course. Unfortunately I got off course and I think I am lost in the woods. I tried talking to him last night and a little bit today but I think that my level anxiety is making it harder on him. He pretty much resigned himself to it being totally my decision as to how far to take this and when enough is enough.

Why does this step seem so hard? Am I going to have the strength to keep on trying if this turns some thing up? How did you handle these emotions? Is there a snowballs chance in hell that I can get DH to understand any of the emotional crap that the women go through? Should I even try? And Why do men expect us to make all the big decisions?

 

[Deb111]

I don't know why but the some where deep inside starting the fertility testing feels like I am going down a totally different path than I ever thought I would be on.

I totally get it hun! People tell me everything 'will be fine' - I just want to shout and scream ... none of this is fine, none of this is ok and none of this is how it was ever supposed to be and it definitely is NOT fair.

Speaking as someone who got some of the most devastating news nearly 5 months ago, it's hard to tell anyone how to cope with it, but somehow you do - there really isn't a lot of choice. Somehow your body deals with it. Initially when you get 'bad' news, you go through all sorts of emotions - shock, grief, anger, fear ... and it's all totally normal. You will have bad days like today but you will have days where you deal with it all and feel much more positive about it all.

The importnant thing is not to bottle it up. Talk to someone if you can and if not come on here and have a rant! It has been a lifesaver for me.

In terms of hubby; I'm sure there are plenty who will disagree, but in my experience, hubby wont really understand, but then without the monthly cycles, hormones, biological clock etc, how can they?

We are at the stage now where hubby is getting to understand my periods of upset and frustration better now, but we have both accepted that that is more in terms of "I don't know how you feel and what you are going through, but I can see that it's upsetting you and I am aware of that and will do what I can to support you and cheer you up" rather than "I know how you feel".

Sorry for the essay lol

I hope you start to feel more positive soon - you have taken some big steps towards getting your and should be proud of yourself! xx

 

[Waterfaerie]

Thank you for your essay Deb.

I am not going crazy and lost in the woods. My BnB Buddies are wandering around out here with me. lol

The Words "It will be fine" should be banned. Yes I know in the end I will be ok. But right now I am not and it is not. Lucky I have two wonderful friends that "Get it". One lives across the country but she has been there. She has a wonderful little girl through IVF. The other is my sister in all ways but birth. Many times it is her hugs I need more than my DH. And she can give me strength when he might make me come unglued.

Right now more than anything I am just trying to feel normal. I am starting to realize that this very scary, gut wrenching, emotional roller coaster that I can't seem to get off of is normal. If it wasn't so difficult then that wouldn't be normal.