Overwhelming Desire

[2J0S09]

I guess I just came here to vent because it is so hard for me to open up to people I know about what is going on with me. Just as I type this tears are flowing down my face.

I am almost 26 years old, a college graduate and I have been in a committed relationship for over 7 years. I want a baby, like more than anything in life but my partner isn't on-board and doesn't want to even begin to start thinking about kids until our 30's. I try and sit here with a smile and pretend I am okay with waiting but over the past few months, i just haven't been okay with it.

I have an overwhelming desire to be a mother, a feeling that i CANNOT kick! We got a dog back in December and it helped mask the urge for a few months but now it is back and stronger than ever. As of June 1st i stopped taking my birth control..don't think Im crazy..i told my boyfired (lol)..we have used the "pull out method" almost our whole relationship and I had only been on bcontrol since Oct 2015 to help with complications i have.

Not one day, probably not even one hour within 24 hours goes by that i dont think about babies. I have our kids names picked out, i have 3 pinterest boards dedicated to my non-exisitant child, i ordered a onsie online because I just had to and now I have it hidden from my boyfriend. I spend hours of my time looking up baby infomation, reading about mother hood, reviewing top products, browsing thru baby clothes, i am LOSING IT!

Everyone around me is pregnant from my best friend to boss and multiple cousins. I admit i get jealous and I HATE THAT! I sit here and wonder when will it be my time? Is waiting really worth it? What if i wait too long and cant have kids? Why do i want this so bad?

Having a baby right now would not be a bad thing..in fact i actually think it would push us harder to get out of our current situation. We make decent money for being a young couple ($80k combined/year), we just live in a tiny one bedroom and are working on repairing our credit. I am ready NOW, i want this NOW but how do i accept the fact that i wont be having a child for another 4 years (if i even get prego ASAP) once again as i conclude this post..i am balling..the fact that I am on my period does not help. I get sooo angry when it comes and severely depressed while on it.

Hopefullly i am not the only women dealing with this...it is really beginning to break me.

 

[BB1982]

I'm so sorry you are feeling so low. I can totally understand why you feel that way. I'm 34 this year, and I spent almost all of my 20's single. My friends all got married and brought homes and started families. Some of my closest friends even had multiple relationships with multiple 'benchmarks' and there was me, still single. I desperately wanted a partner and I desperately wanted all those things, but there was nothing I could do. I felt very alone and sad. I did my best to enjoy being 'young and single' travelling (which my friends with kids were incredibly jealous of) and just having fun and being reckless! Then 3 years ago I met my partner, now awaiting our wedding in a few months and then straight on with trying for a child. I'm desperate. What if I can't? What if through no fault of my own I've left it to long? I too have baby things hidden away which I've purchased over the past 18 months. My OH knows about a few of them but not all!! I was even tempted to buy a maternity dress today which was in the sale! Ridiculous. Nothing can stop that desperate feeling when all you want is a child. I can only suggest you sit down your partner and explain exactly how you feel (if you haven't already) and see if there isn't some negotiation to be had over when you try. Good luck. Please don't feel alone. There are lots of people in your boat, crying quietly in private. It's the most natural emotion and craving to want a child.

 

[Amygdala]

I came here by accident but since I'm here...
I know exactly how you feel. I was you 7 years ago. I was a postgrad student so we didn't do anywhere near as well financially as you guys but other than that, I could have written your post more or less word for word. The bad news is, I can't tell you how to make the broodiness ease up. All you can do is talk to your partner and keep yourself busy. If your man is anything like mine, talking about it will help him get used to the idea. We actually ended up having a huge big talk one day, tears and everything, and it brought to light a lot things that were holding him back. Things he was afraid he couldn't achieve in life if he didn't do it before having kids and also expectations he assumed I'd have once we were parents. I was able to reassure him that kids wouldn't be the end of life as we know it (and they haven't been!) and it just clicked for him and we decided to start trying a few months down the line. I think for men, the idea of having kids can be a lot more abstract than it is for us. So I think talking about your feelings and plans etc will help both of you.
Secondly though, even though it's a cliche, I'd say enjoy your time as just a couple while you have to wait. Go on dates, have long lie-ins at the weekend, socialise with friends, travel, be spontaneous! Being a parent is awesome in so many ways but it's also the hardest thing you'll ever do as a couple. It'll be good to have a store of happy memories to look back on, especially in those early sleepless weeks when it feels like you don't have a second for yourself or each other. My oldest is nearly 5. Both her daddy and I love parenthood and wouldn't change a thing but we do sometimes get nostalgic for the days when we could go on exciting holidays or see a movie without having to organise babysitting two weeks in advance or even just wake up in the same bed after 6:30am on a Saturday morning. I'm glad we did those things before because it's reassures me that we're not just mummy and daddy.
All the best to you! Ttc will come around before you know it!

 

[zoe2010]

I know exactly how you feel. My husband and I were married when I was 25 and I immediately wanted to start trying for a baby but my husband wanted to wait until we were in our 30s. I was devastated. But We decided to put our marriage first and travel and just take time for ourselves. We did fun stuff and I was able to put my feelings aside and think of the positives that I wouldn't be able to do if I were pregnant. I am now 30 and we are going to start trying in December. It goes by really fast especially if you are enjoying yourselves If you ever need to talk feel free to private message me.

 

[soehlerking]

I'm with you, friend. I feel like a crazy person--browsing through items to put on baby registries, looking up parenting advice online...and then taking my birth control. I'm 29, and DH has agreed to try this Fall. But I just want to toss the BC out the window. I'm impatient. It's good that we have a tentative date, but man, it's all I can do to keep trucking through summer.

 

[DobbyForever]

Just wanted to share some solidarity. I knew I wanted to be a mother from the first time I laid eyes on my baby brothers when I was 8. Everything I have done in my life was to be a mom. But it's never been the right time. I own a 3 bedroom condo, I hold a MS degree, and my fiance and I pull in over 200k together. But according to him and my mother we're not ready. We were and then I lost them, so now we are back at not even ready to talk about it. Meanwhile, my cousin (who is a high school dropout, on welfare, and lives in one bedroom at her parents' house with her boyfriend and has taught her 18m old how to YouTube s* because God forbid she read to the kid) is pregnant again. And my other cousin who abandoned her three kids (all different fathers) to move in with a guy who brags about serial cheating on her to her face and also has 3 kids from other women, are trying. But no no... I have to wait.

Be careful breaking the seal on buying things. I told myself I was just making fake registries. Then I bought one onesie... now I have an entire wardrobe's worth of clothing. I won't need clothes until my kid is wearing 6m.

The only thing that helps me is repeating constantly that every AF that comes and goes is one more month I am better prepared for this baby, and when that baby comes it will be so loved and people will smile and be genuinely happy for me and not faking it like they do with my cousins. So hang in there. Hugs.

 

[MontyMad]

*hugs* I feel exactly the same way. It's like being in constant physical pain for me. I want to say my heart is always bleeding, that's what it feels like at least. And being autistic, I guess, doesn't make it any easier. I am terrible when it comes to my emotions.

This need for my little men (or girls) has got worse lately. I just lost my v-card a few weeks ago and having sex a little more regularly now. You can hate me all you want, but sometimes I imagine the condom breaking, slipping off or something stupid like that. My boyfriend and I have talked about what we would do if that ever happens, and I told him I'd take the morning after pill under duress. (Bad experience once, and I didn't even need it. Stupid teenage me!!) Anyways... He knows that I want kids. We joke about it, he thinks it's cute that I have names already picked out. But I don't think he quite understands how hard it is for me. He's always been very supportive of me, he's had to put up with a lot, and I want him to be the father of my baby boys. It absolutely pains me when he says we shouldn't. I know he's right -- I'm still living with my mum, I have no consistent job. He's barely scraping by and he wants to move back to his hometown. I can't help but feel overwhelmed with these feelings that I have no control over.

 

[awnmyown]

My story is similar to BB, and yours too. I was with a guy all through my 20s, really wanted kids, he wasn't even ready for marriage. In the end, the relationship ended when I was 27 and I thought "Well that's that. No babies for me." Wondered if I should have just gotten pregnant when I had the chance.

Then I met my husband, and instantly knew that waiting (as horrible as it was) was the right choice for me. Having your partner supportive of having children with you is an amazing feeling. No, it's not necessary and no it doesn't mean they'll be a good dad or not. But I valued that he committed to child rearing WITH me. Same as marriage.

Like BB, the day of our wedding all holds were off and we started TTC. Took 3 months, but I can honestly say, waiting that long, as much as it sucks, definitely makes it amazingly special now. I waited this long, that I want to bask in every moment of it as long as I can

It sucks, but search for your patience. Look after your friends' kids, or try out new hobbies you won't get to do when you have kids, and just love on your man. Sleep in. Remind yourself that your time is coming.

 

[2J0S09]

Thank you so much for your reply! I haven't logged in since my original post and seeing so many other women out there in my position helps ease some of the attention. I think i am going to sit down and have another talk..but this time im going to be prepared, im not going to do it all out of emotions...i want my plan to seem ideal.

 

[2J0S09]

Thank you! See, if we were more spontanious and did more I don't think I would even be this crazy right now. But thats not really the case...my bf works 40+ hours a week at a manual labor job and he just wants to "relax" on the weekend. So i am cooped up, inside watching all these babies on tv, seeing social media flooded with them. Its just hard...i wish i was living but im just not! I love my bf more than life so i just try to be understanding......

 

[2J0S09]

Thank you so much for your reply! OMG i teared up just reading it...its good to know i am not alone in this world...its good to know other women are told they arent ready when people who shouldnt have kids are priased on bringing another child into this world.


I just keep telling myself..its going to be okay, waiting is making me a better mother, teaching my patients (that i lack)..

 

[2J0S09]

I cried reading your reply....sometimes i feel like my current bf isnt going to be the one...idk if he wants them as bad as me.