Please don't judge me, I just need to let it out

[shirlls]

Please don't judge me or think badly of me for what I am about to say, but something has been eating me up a lot and I need to tell someone how I am feeling.

Before I say it, please understand that I don't begrudge anyone any happiness, or healthy children, as it might not come out right. I know bitterness isn't a nice trait, but there are times when I am particularly low where I find myself getting all wound up and angry, then I hate myself afterwards for feeling like I do.

In my family there are 5 of us who are cousins (female). Out of all of us, I am the only one who hasn't had an abortion, and I am the only one who hasn't got any children and who has suffered 2 miscarriages. They have all 2 healthy children each which they got pregnant with no problem and no losses. Of course, I would never wish otherwise on them, nor do I begrudge them it
(even if it sounds like I do), but I just get so jealous that I could cry.

I could cry because I am hurting that I am going through hell trying to have a child and they have all had 2 each no problems; I could cry because I am angry at the unfairness of it all, (not that I am saying anyone who has had an abortion shouldn't go on to have healthy children!) but I am the only one who hasn't had an abortion and I am the one who keeps losing any pregnancy I do get, while seeing them posting family photos on facebook and hearing my mum and my aunties raving about how motherhood really suits them . I could also cry because I hate myself for thinking this I feel like such a horrible person.

I am not one of those people who judges women who have abortions as I do understand that everyone makes their own choices, and I do realise that it wouldn't have been a decision taken lightly or something that they'll ever forget, but it is still a very bitter pill to swallow with trying to conceive and grieving over losses. What hasn't helped is, not one of my cousins have bothered to ask how I am or shown one bit of interest. One of them sent me an invitation to her little boy's 2nd birthday party within a week of my second miscarriage, not even acknowledging the fact I was miscarrying.

Thank you for listening and not judging me. I hope you can see where I am coming from, and understand that I don't like feeling how I do. I just needed to let it out.

 

[aviolet]

I see what you're saying, and this is a safe place to let out these feelings. I'm sorry for your struggle. Many thoughts to you

 

[twinkle458]

What you're feeling is totally normal hon. My best friend chose the due date of my angel to announce her pregnancy. Big hugs xxxx

 

[eve21]

Wat ur feeling is normal & i think most of the ladies here are thinkin the same because i no i do! Its such a terrible thing that we have went through & its so unfair. The people that have never had a m/c just really dont understand. I think they think we can just move on & forget about it. But we can never forget about it.. We lost our babies its unfair that the people who want a baby more than anything are the ones that are let down..

Im here if u wanna talk, our babies are always with us

xx

 

[Mellybelle]

Its just so unfair sometimes.

 

[scoobydrlp]

So sorry you're hurting, life does seem so unfair at times.

 

[Mammatotwo]

I know what you mean. This is a safe place free to grieve and not to be judged.

I really never thought people can be so clueless, selfish and so self absorbed that they would ignore a lady who has confided a miscarriage to them. BUT so many people would rather just sweep it under the rug and ignore it.
My good friend announced her pregnancy by putting a scan up of her 12 week scan, I burst into tears when I saw it and wanted to throw up. She knew the pain I was going through as I told her and this was how she chose to announce it to me. Lovely. All I could see was a reminder of what I should of seen at that scan and how excited I was before they told be the baby had no heartbeat. Mind you when she was taking a bit longer to get pregnant I was very respectful when I fell pregnant. I rang her to let her know and did not flash scan pic all over facebook.
I was so upset with her it took me a week to message her congrats. I was happy for her and she will be a wonderful mum to her 2nd child , but I really wanted to delete her from my friends, but then I realized she does not get it, sadly until you have gone through it people are a bit clueless and self centered.

 

[shirlls]

Thank you so much ladies, everything you all said is so true. People who haven't been through it just don't have a clue.

Hugs and baby dust to you all

xxxxx

 

[amotherslove]

i feel the exact same way... why do people who ARENT going to be good parents getting accidentally pregnant and treating their kids poorly all over the world too? when i was trying, i wanted my baby.. and i know i'd be one amazing parent?

 

[ClaireRSA]

I know just how you feel. And It's normal. i have lost 2 babies, one at 20 weeks and for a long time I resented my friend with their healthy babies, I couldn't even walk around the mall and see pregnant ladies or babies, I would just get so upset. I think by sharing your feeling and being mad it help you to heal...so rant away, this is the right place to do that! We really do know how you feel!!

 

[shirlls]

Thanks for understanding, it is a very unfair world. I think what is getting to me most, is after my heartache at losing my 2 pregnancies to miscarriage, and reading so many similar and worse stories on here, I find it hard to take that some people choose to end their pregnancies when I see it as such a blessing (not that I wish anything bad on them). I also hae a close friend who has had an abortion and sometimes when I talk about my miscarriages, she makes comparisons with her abortion. That really grates me as she had the choice and I didn't (sorry if that sounds harsh!)

 

[TaraLynn]

I think many of us here can relate to all youa re saying and feeling, and I don't think you need to worry about anyone judging you. In the past I found myself in a very similar situation to you. I am so sorry for all the hurt you are going through, I know you must be feeling alone and feel like life isn't fair at all. I felt that way and I remember how horrible it was. Nothing anyone could say would make me feel differently. I know it sounds horrible but can you hide their posts on FB so you don't see them? Can you try to avoid seeing the people that are making you feel worse during such a hard time in your life? I know its hard to write family off, but if they aren't there to support you, maybe you can try to avoid them in the meantime? Can you flat out tell them how you are feeling about their total disregard for your feelings?

 

[shirlls]

Thanks TaraLynn, yes I agree with you, I think distancing myself from people who make me feel worse at the moment probably is the best thing to do. I will probably need to hide posts on facebook from my cousins, and anything baby-related for the moment until I can start to deal with that again.

If I am ever lucky enough to have a baby, from my own experience at the moment, I think I would tone down a bit what I put on Facebook. Obviously there is nothing wrong with saying the occasional thing, or putting photos on your facebook page of your baby, however some people can be a little ott. I have had to hide posts from a girl I know as her facebook page is a shrine to her baby. There was 3 posts a day along the lines of how great it is being a mum, photos of him eating, sleeping, and just about every 'funny' thing he did. I know she is just proud of her baby however it is total overkill. She had 2 mcs before having him so I'd have thought she would have a bit more awareness that not everyone wants a 4 times a day update on her baby! Anyway, I went off on a rant there lol!

Basically, you are totally right, and I will from now on distance myself as much as poss from things that could upset me.

 

[TaraLynn]

It sucks to have to do - but I have had to do the same myself. not everything is in your control - but that is something you can do to help a little bit. I pray one day you get your sticky little bean. Please keep hope and believe miracles do happen. I gave up all hope, 100% knew I would NOT get pg...and 4 years later it did happen. So keep hope and faith that it can, and try your hardest to limit anything that causes you more stress than you need to bear right now.

 

[snowflakes120]

I completely understand. My cousin in currently pregnancy with her 2nd. She will have her 2 kids under the age of 2. No one in my entire family has ever had a miscarriage. Just me. It is hard.

I also work around the corner from an abortion clinic. I have to drive by it every day - multiple times a day. It is a constant reminder that I just had a miscarriage and that I wanted this baby so bad.

It is so unfair sometimes.

 

[lisacn]

we are not here to judge and what you are feeling is normal, it is difficult to see other with their babies and not feel jealous or cheated by life, this is a great website to let our your feelings x

 

[mumwannabe]

I totally understand Shirlls. I have a FB friend who talks none stop about her little one and I made a comment in her wall one day along the lines of maybe it will happen for me one day and she commented back about getting on with it becuase it's the best thing blah blah (we were both career girls before she got preg). It really upset me!!! After I had calmed down (actually several weeks later), I sent her a private message letting her know that I had been trying but it wasn't meant to be just yet. She was so apologetic and even said that she should think before she put comments like that on other peoples walls. I think she really did appreciate it. People can get so wrapped up in their own bubble that they don't realise what affect it has on others. Maybe you could send a private message to the family? xxx

 

[Meaggers]

After being diagnosed with PCOS 13 years ago, somehow having a miracle pregnancy, and then after hearing a heart beat, 2 1/2 weeks later going back expecting to see and hear yourr baby only for them to tell you it died the day after seeing the original heartbeat, and you've been carying it around inside without knowing, life seems cruel and unfair. This was us yesterday. I know what its like to want it so badly, see other women get it, and feel what you feel. you're not alone in this, and you're not a bad person for feeling this way. It's 100% natural and unfortunately most people who have had no issues don't understand what it's like. If you ever need anyone to just listen/read Im here. I think this forum is one of the we're all sisters here and share a common bond.

 

[POASFiend]

I'm sorry you have so much pain. Your feelings are natural, you are not bitter, just hurting. I have a lot of pain too. It's terrible but your feelings are YOUR feelings. Feel free to have a good cry over it. It may feel good.

 

[Andypanda6570]

I know exactly how you feel and you will NEVER be judged here and if you are I will kick that posters ASS Only kidding.
Your feelings are totally normal and life is not fair and let me tell you this, you will have a beautiful baby one day and make an outstanding mother also..Please have hope and know this will happen for you, I know it..
If you ever need to talk I am here..Andrea