Please don't judge me or think badly of me for what I am about to say, but something has been eating me up a lot and I need to tell someone how I am feeling. Before I say it, please understand that I don't begrudge anyone any happiness, or healthy children, as it might not come out right. I know bitterness isn't a nice trait, but there are times when I am particularly low where I find myself getting all wound up and angry, then I hate myself afterwards for feeling like I do. In my family there are 5 of us who are cousins (female). Out of all of us, I am the only one who hasn't had an abortion, and I am the only one who hasn't got any children and who has suffered 2 miscarriages. They have all 2 healthy children each which they got pregnant with no problem and no losses. Of course, I would never wish otherwise on them, nor do I begrudge them it (even if it sounds like I do), but I just get so jealous that I could cry. I could cry because I am hurting that I am going through hell trying to have a child and they have all had 2 each no problems; I could cry because I am angry at the unfairness of it all, (not that I am saying anyone who has had an abortion shouldn't go on to have healthy children!) but I am the only one who hasn't had an abortion and I am the one who keeps losing any pregnancy I do get, while seeing them posting family photos on facebook and hearing my mum and my aunties raving about how motherhood really suits them . I could also cry because I hate myself for thinking this I feel like such a horrible person. I am not one of those people who judges women who have abortions as I do understand that everyone makes their own choices, and I do realise that it wouldn't have been a decision taken lightly or something that they'll ever forget, but it is still a very bitter pill to swallow with trying to conceive and grieving over losses. What hasn't helped is, not one of my cousins have bothered to ask how I am or shown one bit of interest. One of them sent me an invitation to her little boy's 2nd birthday party within a week of my second miscarriage, not even acknowledging the fact I was miscarrying. Thank you for listening and not judging me. I hope you can see where I am coming from, and understand that I don't like feeling how I do. I just needed to let it out.